A Desperate Plea to Myself
Question:
ELLEN~~ I finished writing the following poem about my own 22 years of hell with bulimarexia just moments before reading your post. I too have looked the wrong way for far too long allowing relapse after relapse to bring me back to this dark place. i know faith is a touchy issue, but I wrote this for myself and would like to share my lesson with you!! Hold on……this thing isn’t as strong as you think!!! Robin as I walk this path of self-destruction, and ultimate death, i feel alone and abandoned. how have I been abandoned? who told me to die? a voice with no face? a world with no knowledge of me? or God Almighty Himself???? I feel abandoned by God, as do all those who base their beliefs on what they can see, what they can touch….. or on what prayers are answered immediately and to their liking. I feel abandoned by God. I question why His love allows me to fall to certain death…. why his love lets me hurt each day I can’t let go of the past. I feel abandoned by God. how can His unfaltering love allow the voices of Hell to dominate one of His children? How can He allow me to fight alone when I am so greatly overpowered by this evil? And I feel abandoned by ME!! How can I question God’s love when I see it everyday? How can I question His intentions for my life, when it’s His hand that catches me each day as I stumble in mortal sin? I am the one who has failed!!! In the face of evil, I let go to the path easiest to follow. I allowed my faith to be swayed by unwholesome promises of love, friendship, success…and all were mine if I’d just let go of my God. I abandoned God. I followed what my eyes could see, ignored what my heart cried out to be an injustice to my Heavenly Father…. and allowed myself to be led and imprisoned in the land of the damned. Why? Why did I turn my back on the Father of all creation? Why was I so weak? Why was I so human? Why was I so scared to believe when His love DEMANDS belief? I have no answers. I’ve abandoned all the questions…. and I pray I have not pushed My Father beyond my own redemption. I am again able to see that His love felled His son on my behalf….. that His love has carried me not along the path of death, but held me back from reaching its fiery end. I am able to see that any loneliness I am feeling is my choice… as God has held me close to Him despite my clear defiance. I pray now. Not for an end to my affliction, but for an end to my insecurity of my worth to His Holiness. I pray that I can make amends for my choices, learn from them… and teach the lessons God allowed me to learn when He could have let me die! As a mere man, I no longer ask why me? I ask , why wouldn’t it be me? My Father has brought me back to Him using the only lesson plan I could learn from…… my own sins. I still stand on that path of death, and the battle for my life still hangs before me….. I am weak and worn from my sins, but God has kept His promise~~ He stands beside me, around me, above me…… and accepts this war as His own….. because He loves me!! I guess I do have worth…… God doesn’t waste His time on lost causes….. and I know He doesn’t make junk!!!! ~~R. Palmer 3/15/98
Response:
I have come so far in the last year. Yet the last two months or so I continue to slip backward. I pick myslef up again and again. I try to apply the "tools" I learned at Renfrew. I give myself constnat pep talks and reminders. Even the visual images I created no longer keep me safe. I feel I am becoming more and more consumed by this disease as the freedoms I was learning to enjoy continue to slip away. I cannot believe that someone as motivated as myself can lose to such a self-destrucitve disease. A disease I can control. An illness for which I have been given every possible opportunity to recover. Tonight I left a party to go home and purge. This represents yet another transgression for me. I can barely tolerate any food. Everyhting I eat feels like too much. Often when I do eat it is too much. I feel the same old insecurities surrounding me. I fear doing things on my own. Everything feels like such an incredible risk and challenge. The isolation phase of this disease seems to take a stronger hold. I am really truly scared the disease is starting to win. The stresses of my challenging life are really starting to take their toll on me. I look pale and withdrawn. I always feel tired. I am running out of new ways to make my next attempt at recovery new and inspirational. I hear the clock ticking. Please, if there is anyone out their who has beat this thing or can help me beat it, I am ready. I will take in all you say like a sponge. I am not ready to call it quits. Still, after so much transgression, I believe I can become well again one day. I am so utterly sorry for my negativity of late. I try with all of my power to be stronger and to start anew. I am searching for new strength to restart my journey. I know this strength must come from within. Ellen
Response:
Hi, Ellen! The thought occurs to me is that is what is happening to you is that after years and years and years of "control," you finally decided to go to treatment….and during that time, a few of the internal demons suddenly erupted from the internal Pandora’s Box that you had safely tucked away, which was bad enough, upsetting enough — but when you came home, there was a whole new situation awaiting you: the precarious status of your marriage. It is no wonder that in the past several months you have been going through such a rough time! Of course you have been suffering intensely, caught by the battle of your newly-released emotions and newly-discovered perceptions! There is a struggle going on between the "old" unknowing Ellen, and the "new" Ellen…. There are a lot of those emotions, previously suppressed, which have no doubt been bouncing around at a more conscious level recently.. things which have been carefully suppressed, pressed-down, restricted-down (or purged-out) for years and years….have suddenly been stirred-up, possibly exposed….and that must be terrifying. (No, let me back up here — that IS terrifying. I know. I’ve had that experience.) The situation at home, the marriage relationship, which may have been based on the (false) perceptions that both you and your husband had about what was actually "real" in the relationship, has proven itself to be on shaky ground…and you are, understandably, on shaky emotional ground as well. Of course, resorting to old, familiar, comfortable behaviors (i.e,, purging) is going to be something which would happen. It’s a life-raft in a sea which is cold and dark…. I don’t think it is the disease, the ED, which is consuming and overwhelmng you so much right now — it is all those emotions which were so carefully covered-over for so long, for so many years, which are now emerging and making themselves more visible to you. The ED, for those many years, has served you as a protective device to overshadow those other things. Easy to overlook those other things, those too-painful emotions and feelings, when one can concentrate on the ED. When one can restrict or can purge away those feelings… It must be very, very scary, and very overwhelming when those feelings spring up, and they won’t be ignored, won’t be purged away won’t be starved away — so of course it would seem to be very natural to resort to old behaviors to find relief. But somehow, those old behaviors are not working as well as they did before, eh? –Connie
Response:
Connie, You are right on track as usual. The feelings I held within so long are flooding open and I do not know how to tolerate them. The feeling is of utter panick. I cannot find any place of comfort. I cannot reassure myself. And then of course I am forced to look at someone who I love very much who cannot help me even on the most basic of levels. I am starving for his comfort. I feel I have done this alone for so long. I have tried to be patient. I know he needs his space to sort things out. Today when we went to the movies he held my hand and it nearly broke my heart. I just want him to tell him about my experiences at Renfrew, to listen to how hard I am trying to get better to tell me he will support me unconditionally. It seems so hard to do this alone. I know I am not actually alone. First of all I have ASED. I also have a handful of people who know the gist of my dilemma. I am truly fortunate. People have demonstrated infinite generosity to my predicament. But somehow my friends cannot provide me with the comfort I need. It is the love of a husband or parent I need right now. The unconditional kind of love and support reserved for those nearest and dearest for the worst of life’s challenges. I hear your strong suggestions about going inpatient again. I am listening. I am considering your advise. To be honest, a hospital stay sounds quite appealing to me right now. I would adore to be taken care of. You know how hard it is to go out each day and fool the world with my act of togetherness. This acting is eating me up inside. And all the lies and pretending. I am so sick of assuring my parents I am great. I hate hiding from neighbors for fear they will notice we are separated. Every single time the phone rings I dread answering, for fear I will have to pretend I am happy. Because right now I feel like I cannot get much lower. I know I am permitting myself infinite self-pity. I am deeply ashamed. I am also ashamed of what I do to perpetuate my sad state. The purging repulses me beyond belief. I am repulsed by myself!!! I am also so very ashamed that I have potentially failed at my marriage. I guess I don’t take my shortcomings lightly. My game plan right now is to find a way to tolerate the feelings that overwhelm me. I started taking BusPar today for the anxiety. I know it takes a while for the drug to go into effect. I hope it offers some relief. Another plan I am seriously considering is having a good friend, who knows the a to z’s of my situation, to move in with me until I get back on my feet. She has expressed unconditional willingness to stay here and take care of me. Because my hectic work schedule would make it extremely tough to go inpatient right now, I see this as a good alternative. Perhaps I can reevaluate a hosptial stay in a few weeks after I fulfill my obligations. These are not obligations I can pass onto someone else. Believe me, if I could simply call in sick I would. But I am self-employed and the buck stops with me. Connie, you are very patient with me. I greatly appreciate your seemingly endless supply of wisdom and support. But still, I hear very little about ~you~!!!!!! How are you holding up? Are you taking care of yourself? Don’t leave yourself behind. Ellen
Response:
Dana, Do you think I approach recovery with too much intensity? Do you think I need a vacation from trying too hard to recover? Perplexed, A Hyper Ellen asks Dana
Response:
Ellen, Far be it for me to answer your question with any kind of experience to back it up, but I have heard of people who whereas they once obsessed over calories, weight, and all of those issues, instead begin to obsess on the recovery side of it all. Whereas once you may have been a failure in your own mind in regards to weight loss, control, and all those other ED-issues, you may now regard yourself as a failure or not "the perfect person in recovery." I’m not saying this is a BAD thing, necessarily, but perhaps if you acknowledge that there is allowed imperfection in recovery as there should have been in your eating-disordered life, things might go a bit better for you…. Like I said, I have no evidence of my owo to back this up, but having been a member of the newsgroup for quite some time I must say that while your efforts towards recovery are AMAZINGLY commendable and life-affirming, you do tend to be a bit hard on yourself when you have minor slip-ups, and maybe are still seeking that perfection in recovery that you sought during the illness. I hope this doesn’t sound patronizing. That’s not at all what I mean. I just mean that you really should be gentle with yourself, as generally recovery is more painful and difficult that the descent INTO the disorder. If I can analogize–coming up from drowning is often more difficult than drowning itself. We are all here to buoy you back up to the surface, but you too need to swim upwards slowly, as there is a lot of (water) pressure on top of you from which to emerge from…. You’ll do GREAT, I know it. Be gentle with yourself sweet Ellen, Laurie
Dana, : Do you think I approach recovery with too much intensity? Do you think I need : a vacation from trying too hard to recover? : Perplexed, : A Hyper Ellen asks Dana
Response:
Dearest Ellen, I want you to know how much I value your posts and how much I respect and support your committment to the journey of recovery. Your process inspires and challenges me to pursue my own goals (in all things). with support and love, Sydney.
Response:
(PedersonDC) writes: I am really truly scared the disease is starting to win. The stresses of my challenging life are really starting to take their toll on me.
Perhaps an oasis lies in the middle of your life could be found if there wasn’t such a preponderance of effort to find it? Wondering, Dana sends thoughts
Response:
Dearest Ellen, The important thing to remember is that you have come so far. If you are expecting to recover one day you will be disappointed. The recovery process evolves over many days and it includes the backsliding as well as the forward movement. You don’t have to find the strength only within yourself. You can rely on the kindness of strangers and friends who love you to add their strength to your fight. Keep posting because we are here for you. Lean on us and rest a bit before you pick up your burden again. Mary – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I have come so far in the last year. Yet the last two months or so I continue to slip backward. I pick myself up again and again. I try to apply the "tools" I learned at Renfrew. I give myself constant pep talks and reminders. I am really truly scared the disease is starting to win. The stresses of my challenging life are really starting to take their toll on me. I look pale and withdrawn. I always feel tired. I am running out of new ways to make my next attempt at recovery new and inspirational. I hear the clock ticking. Please, if there is anyone out their who has beat this thing or can help me beat it, I am ready. I will take in all you say like a sponge. I am not ready to call it quits. Still, after so much transgression, I believe I can become well again one day. I am so utterly sorry for my negativity of late. I try with all of my power to be stronger and to start anew. I am searching for new strength to restart my journey. I know this strength must come from within.
Response:
Do you think I approach recovery with too much intensity? Do you think I need a vacation from trying too hard to recover?
Ellen, Far be it from I to know these answers of you, yet answer you may of yourself. That you think enough to ask should raise your own suspicion. Know I do the ellusivness of any golden ring intensely sought. Not to say it is not achievable, just ellusive. Many times in life, that which we seek comes with patience, that trying too hard can cause our desires to slip from our grasp. Riding The Merrigoround, Dana sends dizzily
Response:
Filed under: Fight Loneliness
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