Lonely Loneliness

failure

Question:

x-no-archive: yes plse scroll for dialogue

x-no-archive: yes i’m not offended just confused about what you think is scary and why you think i will understand because i don’t but i would be happy to read about why or the explaining or whatever You said, "In thrpy I work on eliminating those barriers." That sounds close enough to int*gration to be scary. We think we need more barriers and work on making them stronger. We know there are others here who feel the same way and thought you would have been aware of them.

    sure, i know that some people think that the "i" thing is to be avoided. also, it seems to me that some regard it, or the suggestion of it, as a sort of political oppression of people who dissociate.  i’m not picking a fight w/ anyone.  i’m just saying that i don’t enjoy being dissociative.  it hinders me in accomplishment of my goals, it wastes a lot of my time, and it confuses me.  but, those being my feelings about my state of mind, aren’t intended to scare anyone, nor are they meant to imply that others should share them.     i sometimes feel that groups of people who dissociate sometimes get together and create a sort of cult around the whole phenomenon.  i don’t want to be any part of that.  i just want to get my mind organized and focused and continue with my work. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – and please in the future whenever you write anything to me here or write anything that includes anything that i’ve written already please use the no archive thing first because someone stalks me here and uses stuff i say to hurt me it has happened more than once i know that the no archive thing doesn’t keep me totally safe but i do know that by using it my words will disappear after a little while giving the person who hurt me and can still hurt me less chance of doing so unless someboday saves the words for that person which is something else that i get afraid of sometimes but i can only limit myself so much in fear Now I’m confused. This message and the one I’m replying to both had an "X-No-Archive: Yes" header. I have double checked just now, and it’s not on Google. Our program automatically adds that header whenever it’s replying to one with it set. We might forget, but the program never does.

okay.  i can’t see it, but i believe you.  i haven’t checked the archives recently.  thanks for telling me. but please, anyway, please use it We did.

really, i believe you trill – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – jp trill x-no-archive: yes  Once I explained my d.i.d. to someone who was argumentative about not being able to understand it like this: "Just as you are able to hold more than one opinion in your mind at one time and contemplate them all in order to choose one or meld them or decide or something like that, so do I, only I have a problem of having barriers in my own consciousness that prevent me from realizing all of my different opinions and consequent behaviors. In thrpy I work on eliminating those barriers." I find this insightful, interesting, and (if you will not be offended) a little scary. Not bad scary, and I think you can understand? jp trill someone inside reacted strongly to one thing you said, so we didn’t finish reading. gonna try to get that person to talk. think it’s a kid. <snip ok. spoilered for graphic disgusting descriptions of s.i. jp’s writing this while not being sure that it’s a good idea, or if it’s another form of s.i., so sie’s very comfortable with no one reading this. I don’t feel it’s a form of s-h. I think it’s a way of making the s-h that already occurred seem less unreal so I don’t have to do more right away. If that makes sense. The whole reason I’m not sure if it’s for reading is I thought this sort of thing too likely to be gross to those who don’t si and triggery to those who do. So don’t read unless you’re safe and OK with that. Not that I mind if people read, either. fwiw, imho this is an excellent spoiler warning. the entire purpose of a spoiler is to give people enough info to make an informed choice about whether to read something. thanks. amending spoiler to include frank description of a non-vanilla way to s.i. pete, please use caution. a a a a a a a a a a a a a please feel free to write anything you want here. Yeah, I think talking like that did help some. Thank you for the opportunity. It ended up not being as graphic as it could have been but it’s not at all pretty. i s.i.’d yesterday, for the first time in awhile…as long as one doesn’t consider my persistant use of bdsm fantasies to make sx bearable as si. *sigh* Sorry. punched a metal cabinet door, twice with the right hand, once with the left. have obvious bruising on the right hand, and a couple of marks on the left. it was really satisfying to do it. *really* satisfying. hands hurt a lot when i was done. i’m not weak. Yeah. It’s hard sometimes not to just punch brick walls and suchlike full force, just at random as I walk past. Sometimes we have to hit them just a little to hold back the rest. It’s not an impulse to damage other things, it’s because I know the wall won’t be hurt at all but I could be hurt quite badly. damn, i wanna go do it again. considered heading down to the punching bag i have hanging in the basement for precisely this reason (ie: so i don’t have to si to punch something really hard), but the decision in my head is that i’m not sposta, cuz it’ll hurt my hands more. Wow. Didn’t know anybody else did punching as self-h*rm. i pretty much do/did everything but cut. i read up on mental illnesses in my teens, and the common signs and symptoms, and then scrupulously avoided those things. voices? nope. i don’t hear voices. self harm? nope. i don’t cut. i just punch brick walls and get ppl to spank me with 2×4’s. amending spoiler. ok, your turn. Um, when push comes to shove I guess I’m not sure if I can really talk about it. But I’ll try, because I want to. I guess the first thing is that we work very hard to keep it and everything else d*pression-ish completely secret, because it feels like as soon as somebody sees the marks or whatever I’d be doing it for attention instead of because it "really" hurt. Like it’d be fake. gonna try to switch now. cuz it’s bad to make ppl feel sorry for you, right? cuz my mommy usta say stuff that maked me feel like dat. i gotta fix de words cuz dey wrong n my daddy gonna yell, n… huh. da big person, he showd me in my hed what daddy’s like now, n *he* not gonna yell at me. No, he’s not. is hard, still bein scared i’m gonna get in truble like i did when i was little… Yes, it is. ther’es a howling loneliness in the soul when ya do something to the body cuz it hurts so much inside, but then you make sure nobody knows. a feeling of being trapped alone… clawing and scratching at the completely smooth impenetrable surface that keeps you separated from people who might care. Because hurting feels safer and more comfortable than that fake-plastic-life-lie. cuz they might not care. and that would be worse. I don’t want them to care. they might jeer or scorn or call u crazy or say you’re bad… there’s a child crying behind the howling aloneness…please find the child. *please* find her and pick her up and hold her and tell her she’s safe and it’s ok and you’re going to take care of her and the bad ppl won’t ever find her, cuz she’s all grown up now, into *you*…and you can make sure no one gets to *her*…even if somehow they got to you

… read more »

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x-no-archive: yes plse scroll for dialogue x-no-archive: yes i’m not offended just confused about what you think is scary and why you think i will understand because i don’t but i would be happy to read about why or the explaining or whatever You said, "In thrpy I work on eliminating those barriers." That sounds close enough to int*gration to be scary. We think we need more barriers and work on making them stronger. We know there are others here who feel the same way and thought you would have been aware of them.   sure, i know that some people think that the "i" thing is to be avoided. also, it seems to me that some regard it, or the suggestion of it, as a sort of political oppression of people who dissociate. i’m not picking a fight w/ anyone. i’m just saying that i don’t enjoy being dissociative. it hinders me in accomplishment of my goals, it wastes a lot of my time, and it confuses me. but, those being my feelings about my state of mind, aren’t intended to scare anyone, nor are they meant to imply that others should share them.   i sometimes feel that groups of people who dissociate sometimes get together and create a sort of cult around the whole phenomenon. i don’t want to be any part of that. i just want to get my mind organized and focused and continue with my work.

Well, I don’t know about any of that. You wrote me something I found insightful and a bit scary, and I that’s all I really meant. I didn’t think you would mean to scare or whatever, because you strike me as a basically decent person. The "i" thing scares us because some here h*te themselves and/or fear a concept of self so much. jp – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – and please in the future whenever you write anything to me here or write anything that includes anything that i’ve written already please use the no archive thing first because someone stalks me here and uses stuff i say to hurt me it has happened more than once i know that the no archive thing doesn’t keep me totally safe but i do know that by using it my words will disappear after a little while giving the person who hurt me and can still hurt me less chance of doing so unless someboday saves the words for that person which is something else that i get afraid of sometimes but i can only limit myself so much in fear Now I’m confused. This message and the one I’m replying to both had an "X-No-Archive: Yes" header. I have double checked just now, and it’s not on Google. Our program automatically adds that header whenever it’s replying to one with it set. We might forget, but the program never does. okay. i can’t see it, but i believe you. i haven’t checked the archives recently. thanks for telling me.

Does your newsreader have an "original message/format" or "view all headers" option? If you click that you’ll see all kinds of technical gobbledygook including our xna-ing. JL

Response:

Filed under: Fight Loneliness

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