Lonely Loneliness

Jennifer's dairy entry 01

Question:

Thanks for posting. I’m crying really bad because of what you suffered a year ago and wrote about this year. P.S. the woman I love was born on Jun.01 also, but 28 years ago.

Response:

Posted and Mailed rc wrote: > JENNIFER’S BIRTHDAY > June 1 1999

    Hi, Jennifer.  <smile>  I’ve read all your posts and I’ve read the advice that Frans and Jem gave to you, too.   I think they both gave you some real good advice, darlin’.     Jennifer, I have a 12 year old.  She just turned 12 last month so she’s pretty near your age.  I’m not her birth Mom, but I couldn’t love her and want her anymore than if I were.  She has a lot of problems because of the things that happened to her when she was younger and she has times when she hates her birth Mom and her Dad because she feels they didn’t love her enough to take care of her properly and not to hurt her.     She spent a lot of years in counseling.  Since she was six years old. Sometimes, she hurts real bad from all the feelings she has about her parents and those times, she cries and yells at me that she hates her whole life and me, too.  I don’t think she truly hates me, though.  <smile>  I think the feelings that she has make her feel so awful……so hurt, that she just has to hate everybody and everything.  It doesn’t make her feel better to do that and she’s real sorry when she calms down.     Darlin’……..your counselor can help you with these bad feelings if you will let her.  Would you think about maybe showing her the posts you’ve made here?  If you didn’t keep them, I’d be glad to send them to you so you can.  You don’t have to answer right now, but please do think about it.     We have a Children’s Home here in Texas where I live, Jennifer.  I see those young people quite a bit and I listen to them and I try to help them. Lots of them hate their parents, too.  So, I’ve known a lot of y’all that feel that way.  I used to hate my mother, too, when I was younger.  So, I can understand some of the feelings that you’re having, darlin’.     Jennifer, you might try asking your Mom to buy some Pamperin for you to help with those cramps around the time of your period.  I’m sure you’ve learned in health class in school or from other girls or your Mom that around that time, your feelings on most things are a lot stronger than at other times.  When you’re feeling bad, you’re feeling real bad.  More than you normally would.     Jennifer, I hope you will keep telling us how you feel and if you’re feeling that you need to "talk" to someone more than just here in the group, you can e-mail me, too.  I wish I could give you a real hug, darlin’, so you’d know for real that we care about you here, even though we just met you.  <smile>  I can’t do that, Jennifer, but I can send you some cyber hugs……..so here are some BIG TEXAS HUGS from me to you………..Jae

Response:

JENNIFER’S BIRTHDAY June 1 1999 My name is Jennifer. I am 11 years old My birthday is June 1 1988. I was born in New York City I have no brothers or sisters. I had a sister but she was struck by a hit and run driver and killed one year ago today. This is why im writting this. Im writting this dairy because im still so sad and i have no one to talk to about it. My parents think that im not sad anymore but i am. I dont want them to know that im still sad because they will laugh at me. They hate me. They got this computer for my birthday last year but i never used it because it was supposed to my sisters and mine and she was going to teach me how to use it Iv been scared to  use it because i know it will make me even sadder. But maby if i talk to someone who understands me maby i wont be unhappy any more. My sisters name was Denise. We shared a bedroom not because we dident have the room but because when i was little i couldent sleep alone in my room so Denise said that she would sleep in my room with me which then became our room. Now im alone in my room again and i wish she was here with me because i get so scared here by my self at night. My mom and dad said that it shouldent hurt any more but it does and the hurt isnt gtoing away. Sometimes at night when im drifting off to sleep right before im sleeping i can feel her in the bed next to me and i would remember when we would chitchat befor going to sleep. We would talk about all kinds of things i thought it was cool that even though she was older and had her own friends she still talked to me like i was one of them. We would talk untill we fell asleep. Sometimes i makebelive shes still in the bed next to me even when im awake. Sometimes i still here her wispering to me knowing im alseep but stilol talking to me anyway. Then im sad because i know when i wake up shell be gone. I hate this room now and im unhappy all the time in it. Its very lonley here without her I wish this was a dream that i can wake up to and shell be here. I cant tell my parents this because thell laugh at me and tell me im a big girl and that i should get over it. They took me to a therapist for a wile because i flipedout when it happened she gave me pills that i dump down the toilet because i dont like the way they make me feel. If i talk about this maby i wont be sad anymore. Nobody would understan me anyway. SO at night i cry myself to sleep but i know it wont bring her back i have no other friends to talk to because they would laugh at me Denise was hit by a car on my birthday wile riding her bike home from her friends house two cars were racing and one lost control and ploughed through a fence and hit her as she was leaving the driveway. the cars left and the police never found the cars or the driver. Denise was tsaken to the hosptial and put into icu I was watching tv waiting for her to come home so i could open my presents. thats when my mom told me was happened. at first i thought she was all right and we were going to visit her. I took a card i made her because we had a real bad fight the day before abd i wanted to make up with her I hated fighting with her but we allways made up when we did and everything was all right. When we got to the hosptial they told me to wait in the lobby and that i wanent aloud to see her i sat there and cried until my mom asked the nurse to let me in to see her. When i went in to her room there were doctors all around her and wires and tubes attached to her and i was realy scared because i knew she wasent all right. i sat next to her and held her hand and talked to her but she wasent awake so i talked anyway because i knew she would here me. She had a tube in her mouth so she could breath. I resad the card to her and i hoped that i could read it to her again once she was awake. It was hard to read because i was cring so bad. I wished she would wake up so much. the nurse in the room was real nice and told me that when she wakes up she read the card to her if i wasent there. when it came time to leave i dident want to leave because i diident want her to be scared when she woke up. But i went home anyway because they wouldent let me stay. Latter that night i couldent sleep because i was so scared that i would never see again and i sat up and cried all night I never opened my presents because i wanted her to be there whan i did. Eary that morning i awoken to my parents cring. they told me that Denise had gone to heaven which ment that she had died. she had a clot in her brain. the doctors tried to operate but they were too late. No matter how fast they were she couldent be saved. thats all i remember. i cant write any more today….

Response:

Dear Jennifer, Welcome to Alt.Support.Loneliness (ASL) There are some fine people here and within a day or say you will see many responses to your very good writing. We do understand what you talk about and why you are writing. I am a (Dutch) male and have only one son, age 31 now, so you’ll have to wait for responses of some of us who know better to speak to a lady like you. That is why I left your message below mine. Not every one gets all messages from the Usenet (this news is not Internet, but Usenet). In the mean time let me give you some advise I know is good. I do understand your parents like you to stop crying about Denise, but I whisper in your ear: Crying is not bad to do, so please cry, as long as you also think about the very nice moments you had with your sister. Those good memories must be more often in your head than this "feeling alone". Remember what both of you have done and the good times you had together. About the Usenet. As I told you I am from the Netherlands. People from all over the world read these news letters. All kind of people, also the not-so-good. Please keep in mind to never tell any person in cyberspace your second name (sir name), your address or telephone number. Not ever! Not even me, and I am a good guy (but so say all!!!). If any person hurts you with words, keep in mind it is just a writing, they don’t really ‘hurt’ you, just skip later messages from that person, ignoring is the very best you can do than. Also remember that, while you learned all men could be dangerous, there could also be dangerous ladies and, for sure, many men who are not dangerous at all. But we cannot see that from writing, can we? Here on ASL are two more Jenniffer’s. One signs with the name Jenn and her e-mail address begins with Jeneve23, but most of us call her Jennifer. So if you read about her, they not necessary mean you. What ever you like to write about, is okay with all of us. And you wrote well, for such a young Lady. I do hope your sadness will be fly away, with all the friends you are going to find here, and many laughs will come. Frans Jennifer writes>… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->JENNIFER’S BIRTHDAY >June 1 1999 >My name is Jennifer. I am 11 years old My birthday is June 1 1988. I was >born in New York City I have no brothers or sisters. I had a sister but >she was struck by a hit and run driver and killed one year ago today. >This is why im writting this. Im writting this dairy because im still so >sad and i have no one to talk to about it. My parents think that im not >sad anymore but i am. I dont want them to know that im still sad because >they will laugh at me. They hate me. They got this computer for my >birthday last year but i never used it because it was supposed to my >sisters and mine and she was going to teach me how to use it Iv been >scared to  use it because i know it will make me even sadder. But maby >if i talk to someone who understands me maby i wont be unhappy any more. >My sisters name was Denise. We shared a bedroom not because we dident >have the room but because when i was little i couldent sleep alone in my >room so Denise said that she would sleep in my room with me which then >became our room. Now im alone in my room again and i wish she was here >with me because i get so scared here by my self at night. My mom and dad >said that it shouldent hurt any more but it does and the hurt isnt >gtoing away. >Sometimes at night when im drifting off to sleep right before im >sleeping i can feel her in the bed next to me and i would remember when >we would chitchat befor going to sleep. We would talk about all kinds of >things i thought it was cool that even though she was older and had her >own friends she still talked to me like i was one of them. We would talk >untill we fell asleep. Sometimes i makebelive shes still in the bed next >to me even when im awake. Sometimes i still here her wispering to me >knowing im alseep but stilol talking to me anyway. Then im sad because i >know when i wake up shell be gone. I hate this room now and im unhappy >all the time in it. Its very lonley here without her I wish this was a >dream that i can wake up to and shell be here. I cant tell my parents >this because thell laugh at me and tell me im a big girl and that i >should get over it. >They took me to a therapist for a wile because i flipedout when it >happened she gave me pills that i dump down the toilet because i dont >like the way they make me feel. If i talk about this maby i wont be sad >anymore. Nobody would understan me anyway. SO at night i cry myself to >sleep but i know it wont bring her back i have no other friends to talk >to because they would laugh at me >Denise was hit by a car on my birthday wile riding her bike home from >her friends house two cars were racing and one lost control and ploughed >through a fence and hit her as she was leaving the driveway. the cars >left and the police never found the cars or the driver. Denise was >tsaken to the hosptial and put into icu I was watching tv waiting for >her to come home so i could open my presents. thats when my mom told me >was happened. at first i thought she was all right and we were going to >visit her. I took a card i made her because we had a real bad fight the >day before abd i wanted to make up with her I hated fighting with her >but we allways made up when we did and everything was all right. >When we got to the hosptial they told me to wait in the lobby and that i >wanent aloud to see her i sat there and cried until my mom asked the >nurse to let me in to see her. When i went in to her room there were >doctors all around her and wires and tubes attached to her and i was >realy scared because i knew she wasent all right. i sat next to her and >held her hand and talked to her but she wasent awake so i talked anyway >because i knew she would here me. She had a tube in her mouth so she >could breath. I resad the card to her and i hoped that i could read it >to her again once she was awake. It was hard to read because i was cring >so bad. I wished she would wake up so much. the nurse in the room was >real nice and told me that when she wakes up she read the card to her if >i wasent there. when it came time to leave i dident want to leave >because i diident want her to be scared when she woke up. But i went >home anyway because they wouldent let me stay. >Latter that night i couldent sleep because i was so scared that i would >never see again and i sat up and cried all night I never opened my >presents because i wanted her to be there whan i did. Eary that morning >i awoken to my parents cring. they told me that Denise had gone to >heaven which ment that she had died. she had a clot in her brain. the >doctors tried to operate but they were too late. No matter how fast they >were she couldent be saved. thats all i remember. i cant write any more >today….

Response:

Filed under: Fight Loneliness

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