Lonely Loneliness

alone in the dark

Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – For the past few weeks I’ve had this almost overwhelming feeling of loneliness.  I feel like I’m all by myself in the world.  Having people around isn’t really helping any.  There are always people around the apartment, but it still feels like I’m by myself. I know that feeling well.  When my marriage was ending, it was the loneliest time of my life.  And the loneliness was *worst* when I home surrounded by my family. Even my children made me feel lonely – not because I felt distant from them, I didn’t.  But because what I was feeling was not something they could understand, and neither did I want them to. They also didn’t *know* the marriage was ending, not until quite a bit later.

For years, I tried to explain my home life to others.  To explain how I felt, what I needed.  No ne ever believed me.  Well,  few did, but they really had no idea what I meant or how I really felt.  It sounds awful to someone who’s never experienced abuse and they assume you’re exaggerating.  Mostly I write my feelings now.  Poems or just descriptions of the way I see the world around me. It’s not a bad alternative to telling others.  When all else fails, I just write down all of my feelings on a piece of paper and pretend it’s a letter to someone else.  It’s still not like having a real person there to listen and understand. I wonder when it was I began to feel so isolated.  I wonder when it was I first noticed.  I’ve had this off and on for the last 14 years.  It started when I was 5, but it’s never been this constant. It just feels like there’s no one to talk to.  That no one would understand what I had to say anyway. That I think is the key.  It doesn’t matter how many people are around you, it’s the feeling that you cannot communicate what you most need to.  It’s like being in a city where no one speaks your language. I was lonelier around my family because they made me *need* to communicate what I was feeling more.  When I was really alone, the need to let it out was less.

I get lonely around my friends.  They’re all so happy.  I don’t remember how to be happy, but how do you explain that to someone who hasn’t been through anything like what I have.  Some of them really do try, but it doesn’t make much difference. So I keep all the thoughts rushing around in my mind until I think my head will burst wide open. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, and I’m scared.  There’s no one there to tell. I’m left all alone to face those fears that only come at night.  I’m afraid I’m sinking into some dark well and I’m desperately trying to claw my way out.  I don’t know, I guess I just wish there was someone to listen to me.  Sometimes I just feel like screaming just to get it out of my system. I’m just afraid to be alone forever. Well, one thing that helps sometimes is to kick away words like forever and focus on right now.  Change is the one thing you can *always* rely on.  No matter how rigid a pattern you perceive yourself locked into, it’s an illusion.  It comes I think from our natural tendency to try to organise and make sense of the universe.  We map everything to a pattern and think we’ve discovered a law of nature.  Like if it rains 8 days in a row, it becomes hard to conceive that tomorrow the rain may end.

True.  My whole life I thought the pain would never end and that I would be stuck there forever.  I felt I owed my life to my family.  I’ve changed a lot in the last few years.  I know now that my life is my own. I have a chance to live for myself and to run free if I want.  I’m not afraid ALL the time anymore.  I even gave up goint to college right away.  My father wanted to pay for it and I refused to let myself get into a position where I could ever feel that I owed my life or success to him. I will make it eventually, on my own.  Change IS happening all the time. You’re very right.  I’m stronger now than I ever thought I could be, and I’m still growing inside.  I am the champion of my own heart now and I have the courage to fight for what is mine. The other thing that helps specifically with loneliness is to try to locate people who have had comparable experiences to whatever is troubling you.  That’s why support groups work so well.  You discover that, amazingly, there *are* other people who understand, to a varying degree.

I have had a few friends over the years that have understood.  Now I seem to have found many.  I’m sorry for all of your pain at the ending of your marriage. Loneliness is something no one should ever have to feel.  We all deserve so much better. Be well.

Response:

For the past few weeks I’ve had this almost overwhelming feeling of loneliness.  I feel like I’m all by myself in the world.  Having people around isn’t really helping any.  There are always people around the apartment, but it still feels like I’m by myself.

I know that feeling well.  When my marriage was ending, it was the loneliest time of my life.  And the loneliness was *worst* when I home surrounded by my family. Even my children made me feel lonely – not because I felt distant from them, I didn’t.  But because what I was feeling was not something they could understand, and neither did I want them to. They also didn’t *know* the marriage was ending, not until quite a bit later. I wonder when it was I began to feel so isolated.  I wonder when it was I first noticed.  I’ve had this off and on for the last 14 years.  It started when I was 5, but it’s never been this constant. It just feels like there’s no one to talk to.  That no one would understand what I had to say anyway.

That I think is the key.  It doesn’t matter how many people are around you, it’s the feeling that you cannot communicate what you most need to.  It’s like being in a city where no one speaks your language. I was lonelier around my family because they made me *need* to communicate what I was feeling more.  When I was really alone, the need to let it out was less. I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, and I’m scared.  There’s no one there to tell. I’m left all alone to face those fears that only come at night.  I’m afraid I’m sinking into some dark well and I’m desperately trying to claw my way out.  I don’t know, I guess I just wish there was someone to listen to me.  Sometimes I just feel like screaming just to get it out of my system. I’m just afraid to be alone forever.

Well, one thing that helps sometimes is to kick away words like forever and focus on right now.  Change is the one thing you can *always* rely on.  No matter how rigid a pattern you perceive yourself locked into, it’s an illusion.  It comes I think from our natural tendency to try to organise and make sense of the universe.  We map everything to a pattern and think we’ve discovered a law of nature.  Like if it rains 8 days in a row, it becomes hard to conceive that tomorrow the rain may end. The other thing that helps specifically with loneliness is to try to locate people who have had comparable experiences to whatever is troubling you.  That’s why support groups work so well.  You discover that, amazingly, there *are* other people who understand, to a varying degree. Peace and strength, Tide Rider — Home is within you.

Response:

at the risk of being more than predictable, you are not alone.  everything takes time and there are plenty of comforting arms to offer hugs, and plenty of open ears to offer compassion and understanding.  someone will understand you…don’t give up the fight.

It may be predictable, but it’s always nice to hear.  Hugs?  oh yeah.  I kinda remember those.  I keep hoping someone will understand, and now it seems maybe I’ve found the right place.  I’m a fighter, always have been.  Someday I’ll get through it.  Thanks for the encouragement.  And for listening.

Response:

I feel this way too.. especially around the holidays. Silly question maybe, but.. with the ppl you say are around, do you talk to them?  do you *really* talk to them? (like, not just ‘nice day we’re having’ type stuff)  Maybe some of them, underneath, are feeling lonely too.                                  –Susan – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – For the past few weeks I’ve had this almost overwhelming feeling of loneliness.  I feel like I’m all by myself in the world.  Having people around isn’t really helping any.  There are always people around the apartment, but it still feels like I’m by myself.  I wonder when it was I began to feel so isolated.  I wonder when it was I first noticed.  I’ve had this off and on for the last 14 years.  It started when I was 5, but it’s never been this constant.  It just feels like there’s no one to talk to. That no one would understand what I had to say anyway.  I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, and I’m scared.  There’s no one there to tell. I’m left all alone to face those fears that only come at night.  I’m afraid I’m sinking into some dark well and I’m desperately trying to claw my way out.  I don’t know, I guess I just wish there was someone to listen to me.  Sometimes I just feel like screaming just to get it out of my system. I’m just afraid to be alone forever.

Response:

Hi Vamp Girl… First of all, I will listen.  Anytime.

Thank you.  I appreciate anyone who is willing to listen.  I have met few people who have ever really listened to what I’ve said or tried to say. A great deal of people have either ignored what I’ve said or chosen not to believe me because my family looked so happy on the outside. I understand loneliness.  For most of my life, I have had a fear of being *alone*…not because it necessarily made me feel any less lonely, but because at least sometimes, when someone was around, I could deceive myself a little bit that it made any kind of difference.

I guess I can of use people to the extent that I let them distract me and try to use them to keep my mind off of my difficulties.  If I keet happy people around me I somehow trick myself into thinking I can ignore all the pain.  I’m afraid to be alone to let it all catch up with me.  It’s usually when I’m alone that the memories start to come back.  I’m very very afraid to remember.  But even surrounded by people I’m alone because I don’t share the joy or the happiness around me.  I always know sooner or later I won’t be able to outrun despair. At times I think about F. Scott Fitzgerald’s (?) "dark night of the soul".        Feels like I’ve been going through that most of my life.  But in the last six months or so, it  has gotten better.  Not great, by any means, but measurably better.  That’s enough for me, for now.

I’ve gotten a lot better since I moved out of my parents’ house last January. The therapy that I’ve gotten into has done some help for me, and I may be about to enter group therapy.  I’m happy that I’m making some progress, but it feels like sometimes for every step forward I slip two steps back. Unfortunately, no matter how many people are around, no matter how close we are to someone, the issues that survivors have to deal with are the type that really can only be faced alone.  Others can help, support, care, whatever, but you are still alone with them.  Even with aar (which has helped me more than I can say, and probably more than I even realize….certainly more than any rl friend or therapist or dr. ever has), I have had to accept that I am still, essentially anyway, alone with the demons in the dark.

I know I’m alone with them, and I think that’s why I’ve always tried so hard to hide from them.  I have some vague impressions of what my younger years were like, and I’m afraid to be left alone to really remember.  I’m not sure I’m ready yet.  I do have the support of one person.  The only other person who stood behind me died several years ago.  But mostly, I’m still on my own.  It feels like my whole life has been that way. But but but but….knowing that I’m not alone in the feeling, alone with the experience, has helped me.     I hope it helps you.  And like I said, if you need someone to listen, I’m here.  Post or email, doesn’t matter.

Thank you, just for listening to me.  It’s sad to think that others have had to endure what I have or worse, but there is comfort in knowing I’m *not* alone in everything.  I have spent my whole (granted it’s been a rather short life so far) relying on myself.  It’s nice to know there are people who care. Take good care of yourself.

Response:

I feel this way too.. especially around the holidays.

The holidays have been bad so far this year.  It’s my first year not living with the parents and they keep calling me to tell me how upse they are I’m not there. I actually start to feel guilty at first, but now I think maybe it’s mostly that they miss being able to smack me around and not me for myself.  Did that make any sense at all?  I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing for Xmas.  I may be by myself, I may spend part of it with friends.  I’m spending part of it with the folks so I can be around my mom for awhile.  Hopefully nothing too terrible will happen. Silly question maybe, but.. with the ppl you say are around, do you talk to them?  do you *really* talk to them? (like, not just ‘nice day we’re having’ type stuff)  Maybe some of them, underneath, are feeling lonely too.

You mean like in depth, real conversation stuff?  Sometimes, and only with a few select people.  Mostly right now there is only one person that I really have any trust in.  I talk to him about as much stuff as I feel comfortable saying, but it’s not much.  I’m hoping to get better.  I know that he cares, it’s just hard for me to talk at all.  I know that’s a big part of why I feel so alone, I just don’t know what to do about it. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – For the past few weeks I’ve had this almost overwhelming feeling of loneliness.  I feel like I’m all by myself in the world.  Having people around isn’t really helping any.  There are always people around the apartment, but it still feels like I’m by myself.  I wonder when it was I began to feel so isolated.  I wonder when it was I first noticed.  I’ve had this off and on for the last 14 years.  It started when I was 5, but it’s never been this constant.  It just feels like there’s no one to talk to. That no one would understand what I had to say anyway.  I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, and I’m scared.  There’s no one there to tell. I’m left all alone to face those fears that only come at night.  I’m afraid I’m sinking into some dark well and I’m desperately trying to claw my way out.  I don’t know, I guess I just wish there was someone to listen to me.  Sometimes I just feel like screaming just to get it out of my system. I’m just afraid to be alone forever.

Response:

Hi Vamp Girl… First of all, I will listen.  Anytime. I understand loneliness.  For most of my life, I have had a fear of being *alone*…not because it necessarily made me feel any less lonely, but because at least sometimes, when someone was around, I could deceive myself a little bit that it made any kind of difference. At times I think about F. Scott Fitzgerald’s (?) "dark night of the soul".     Feels like I’ve been going through that most of my life.  But in the last six months or so, it  has gotten better.  Not great, by any means, but measurably better.  That’s enough for me, for now. Unfortunately, no matter how many people are around, no matter how close we are to someone, the issues that survivors have to deal with are the type that really can only be faced alone.  Others can help, support, care, whatever, but you are still alone with them.  Even with aar (which has helped me more than I can say, and probably more than I even realize….certainly more than any rl friend or therapist or dr. ever has), I have had to accept that I am still, essentially anyway, alone with the demons in the dark. But but but but….knowing that I’m not alone in the feeling, alone with the experience, has helped me.  I hope it helps you.  And like I said, if you need someone to listen, I’m here.  Post or email, doesn’t matter. Take care, Laurie Goff For the past few weeks I’ve had this almost overwhelming feeling of loneliness.  I feel like I’m all by myself in the world.  Having people around isn’t really helping any.  There are always people around the apartment, but it still feels like I’m by myself.  I wonder when it was I began to feel so isolated.  I wonder when it was I first noticed.  I’ve had this off and on for the last 14 years.  It started when I was 5, but it’s never been this constant.  It just feels like there’s no one to talk to. That no one would understand what I had to say anyway.  I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, and I’m scared.  There’s no one there to tell. I’m left all alone to face those fears that only come at night.  I’m afraid I’m sinking into some dark well and I’m desperately trying to claw my way out.  I don’t know, I guess I just wish there was someone to listen to me.  Sometimes I just feel like screaming just to get it out of my system. I’m just afraid to be alone forever.

Response:

Fear not gentle lady – keep working your recovery; you will get all you want and beyond your wildest dreams.  Its a trip how that works out. Trust your process. Besides what is it that brings up so much anger. Not getting your way ? I still struggle with that one myself. I hate it when I dont get my way. Then I have to work though new stuff to find the love. Also that buttery cotton deep plush flannel sheets – during the winter they are my safest funnest bedbuddie protectors.  Feels so gooooddd in there. I finally made the money happen for a natural skin sheep fleece fitted mattress cover – I giggled myself to sleep for three days before I got used that. I spend well over a third of my life in bed – I put some energy into making it my den of safety.  Have you tried Indian sage smudging of the room and house ? Ciao SumBuddie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – For the past few weeks I’ve had this almost overwhelming feeling of loneliness.  I feel like I’m all by myself in the world.  Having people around isn’t really helping any.  There are always people around the apartment, but it still feels like I’m by myself.  I wonder when it was I began to feel so isolated.  I wonder when it was I first noticed.  I’ve had this off and on for the last 14 years.  It started when I was 5, but it’s never been this constant.  It just feels like there’s no one to talk to.   That no one would understand what I had to say anyway.  I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, and I’m scared.  There’s no one there to tell. I’m left all alone to face those fears that only come at night.  I’m afraid I’m sinking into some dark well and I’m desperately trying to claw my way out.  I don’t know, I guess I just wish there was someone to listen to me.  Sometimes I just feel like screaming just to get it out of my system.   I’m just afraid to be alone forever.

Response:

For the past few weeks I’ve had this almost overwhelming feeling of loneliness.  I feel like I’m all by myself in the world.  Having people around isn’t really helping any.  There are always people around the apartment, but it still feels like I’m by myself.  I wonder when it was I began to feel so isolated.  I wonder when it was I first noticed.  I’ve had this off and on for the last 14 years.  It started when I was 5, but it’s never been this constant.  It just feels like there’s no one to talk to.   That no one would understand what I had to say anyway.  I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, and I’m scared.  There’s no one there to tell. I’m left all alone to face those fears that only come at night.  I’m afraid I’m sinking into some dark well and I’m desperately trying to claw my way out.  I don’t know, I guess I just wish there was someone to listen to me.  Sometimes I just feel like screaming just to get it out of my system.   I’m just afraid to be alone forever.

Response:

at the risk of being more than predictable, you are not alone.  everything takes time and there are plenty of comforting arms to offer hugs, and plenty of open ears to offer compassion and understanding.  someone will understand you…don’t give up the fight.              *                    *                *           * Debbie Stone )             all i can do is hold on to what i have * Carleton U *       *    * why did it change?, i liked it how it was                               i’m without you, the world spins without me   *                        *     *          i wish you were here with me  *                         *                   *                       *

Response:

Filed under: Happiness Loneliness

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