Lonely Loneliness

Contemplating divorce

Question:

My husband and I have recently separated.  This is 2nd marriage for both of us (married 2 years).  There hasn’t been any adultery or abuse. We both still love each other, have no desire to date other people, still enjoy each other’s company for the most part. Our problems mainly stem from children from previous marriages.  He has 5; I have 2.  Our beliefs about child rearing are EXTREME opposite.  He is constantly bailing his kids out of trouble, letting his kids manipulate him because of his guilt at divorcing their mother (over 6 yrs ago).  He has always been involved in their lives – more so than their mother.  In the 2 yrs we’ve been married, 4 of his children have lived with us at different times (moving in and out/back and forth).  The youngest has already been threatened with "I’m sending you to live with your dad (she makes it sound like straight to hell!)"   I have stood by him as he has had to go to court each time for custody and try to get some support while he has these kids.  I have spent countless hours with his children helping with homework, taking them shopping, listening to their problems, getting them to school, etc. IMHO, he has always put the children first over our marriage.  While I have worn myself, and in some cases, alienated my own children, trying to be fair and good to his children, he has not met my emotional needs.  When we first got married, he would sit up til midnight with his 16 yr old son, leaving me alone.  When I asked him why, he said, "He needed me. I was bonding with him."  Shouldn’t he have been trying to bond with me? After all, who did he plan to spend the rest of his life with – me or his kids? His kids have been in trouble with the law, and he has acted as if it were someone else’s fault.  His kids? – Oh, they’re perfect little angels – they never meant to do anything wrong. My kids are sick to death of the whole situation – they have no respect for him because he never disciplines his children.  There are no limits, no responsibilities. If we could even find a compromise, I’d try to stay and work it out – but his answer is, "I want to raise my children the way I want to and it’s none of your business!"  My time, energy, income, resources have been used to take care of these children – shouldn’t I have some say in what goes on?   It is not a solution to try to stay married and let him do what he wants. It all impacts my life too much.  Believe me – I tried! I’m angry and bitter right now, but still trying to find solutions.  We’ve been to counseling in the past and I’m continuing for my own sake.  Any suggestions (but not flames!!!) are welcome.

Response:

Kelly,          This is a tough call.  I think if the kids are in your house you have a say in how they are deciplined.  On the otherhand,  I also believe your husband should put his children first,  in front of  the marriage. Would you really love a man who didn’t care about his kids?  I think kids are the most important thing in any adults life and should be a priority.         But if he gives in to there every whim,  and  doesn’t descipline for whatever reason,  he is doing more than putting them first.  He is probably not doing them any favors in the long run.   Maybe you too can go together to a parenting class.  They are for all kinds of people.   If he went to counseling with you,  He might be willing to do this too. good luck When God sends the dawn,  He sends it for all.   –  Cervantes Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength C.T. Boom

Response:

Tam, It is really sad when we have to acknowledge differences with our mate that are so diverse they threaten our relationships.  We had an old mule once that had a mind of his own; one day my grandfather whopped him upside the head with a piece of wood and got his attention.  He was fairly compliant after that.  Now I’m not suggesting an actual whopping, but sometimes we need a rude awakening to see things more clearly.  For many it is the actual reality that they are about to lose someone they love.  I would say do what feels right in your heart.  It really isn’t selfish to put yourself first when you have made every effort.  Give him his rude awakening, and if he still balks, do what you have to do to find happiness.  Happiness is one of the few things we have left that is a God-given right. — Gentleman Jim A Country Boy and Refined Southern Gentleman Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of divorce, I will feel no loneliness: for I am with me. The song never ends with the singer, the truth outlives a lie, the dream lives on when the dreamer is gone, and true true love never dies. …Conway Twitty – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m new here, and thought I’d hang out for awhile. I’ve been married now for about 4 1/2 years and for the last three of them, we’ve had a lot of troubles. I think we’re both to blame, actually. Anyway, I’ve gone to counseling (husband refuses to, says there’s nothing wrong with him), and between that and a lot of "soul-searching", I’m pretty much left at no options except for divorce.

Response:

Sounds like your case is pretty easy.  No kids, no deep connections, very strongly differing values.  Getting a divorce now is the best thing for the both of you.  And, whatever you do, either stop having sex with each other or make sure you have at least two forms of birth control in effect.  The *last* thing you need to do is to bring an infant into the hostile household you describe!   – John

Response:

I’m sorry you’re going through so much right now Tamara (((hug))).  Sad to say when a couple can’t agree on whether or not to have children especially when one does and one doesn’t, and religion too, it’s probably not too good that the marriage will survive.  I’m sorry for all the pain you are going through.  Post here, we’re a good bunch of kids and will help you with anything you need to talk about. Daisy Visit the ASD "Who’s Who" Web page at: http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Cape/6475/ To include yourself send picture and brief biography to: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m new here, and thought I’d hang out for awhile. I’ve been married now for about 4 1/2 years and for the last three of them, we’ve had a lot of troubles. I think we’re both to blame, actually. Anyway, I’ve gone to counseling (husband refuses to, says there’s nothing wrong with him), and between that and a lot of "soul-searching", I’m pretty much left at no options except for divorce. In the last year–since I started counseling–I’ve tried very hard to work on the marriage but it’s difficult when only one person is working on it. We’re just roommates anymore. We don’t hate each other, but I think he’s unhappy and I *know* I am. I’m having a difficult time with this, since I really believe in the "death do us part" in the marriage vows. However, I feel that things are not tolerable anymore. I could go into a myriad of reasons why, but one main one is this: before we were married, he said he wanted to have kids (I’ve *always* wanted to have children). He "changed his mind" as soon as the ring went on my finger. He told me about a week after the wedding he had really never wanted children. My heart was broken. Yes, there are other things…I told him I would never *force* him to go to church but that I wanted to be free to attend church without ridicule. I didn’t go to church for about the first year of our marriage. In fact, we didn’t go much of anywhere. I told him while we were dating that I really love my music and theatre activities, that I needed to do them. He promised he wouldn’t interfere. Fast forward to now: I now am joining a church here in town, I really love going there. I never force him to go, yet he almost ridicules me for spending time reading and researching the Bible. I decided to do some shows, he gets angry with me EVEN THOUGH he works nights and wouldn’t be home during the times I rehearse anyway. I could get into a lot more, but suffice to say that even as I was willing to work on the marriage, my counselor (and other professionals) were supportive of me ending the marriage. Sum it all up…NEITHER of us are happy. When I am home, he’s constantly underfoot (I mean almost like "Sleeping with the Enemy" underfoot…he doesn’t abuse me physically but it’s almost a mental abuse) and doesn’t trust me. Example: I got the romantic lead in "Pirates of Penzance" and he was asking me SEVERAL times if the guy playing opposite me was happy in his marriage. Please! I told him "That doesn’t matter. You have to trust me." Because I have told him that no matter what, I would never cheat on him. Yeah, right…I need to complicate matters more than they are already? So now, after realizing that (1) I can’t change him nor would I really want to anyway, (2) I love him but not the way I should love him, and (3) I am very unhappy…I want to ask for a divorce. Now, maybe this isn’t appropriate for this group, as I notice most messages seem to indicate that your ex spouses left you…please don’t think I’m cruel. I have tried but I feel I’m dying inside. At this point, though, I don’t have the guts. I have a brother who was divorced a couple years ago, and he knows what my husband is like, and probably would’ve supported a decision like this back then…but now he says, "You can’t do that! You have to stay with him!" Fine, I guess I won’t ask him to help me with the divorce then (he’s a lawyer). Sorry for the long spiel, but I just feel so alone and wanted to type to someone…. Tam

Response:

It sounds like you have done everything you yourself can do to work on your marriage.  If the other person isn’t participating in the effort, there is only so much you can do.  Whatever you do, keep up the counseling to help you get through this.  Two books that might help you are Crazy Time and Uncoupling.  They talk about divorce from both sides.  Kate

Response:

I know what you mean about feeding your creative needs.  I had denied my creative side for most of my life.  Recently, an artist friend of mine got me started painting in watercolors.  Lo, and behold, I found out that I have talent.  I felt so good about finding that part of me.  I love to paint.  It relaxes me and takes my mind off my current problems.  I like to paint when I’m starting to get down because it gives me a great pick up. Unfortunately, I forgot that this past week.  I’m back at again though and much happier again.  Kate

Response:

before we were married, he said he wanted to have kids (I’ve *always* wanted to have children). He "changed his mind" as soon as the ring went on my finger. He told me about a week after the wedding he had really never wanted children. My heart was broken.

He betrayed and tricked you with something that is major in any marriage – the decision whether or not to have children.  That’s a very heavy strike against any marriage, but especially a new marriage. I can’t imagine starting out a marriage with someone I knew I couldn’t trust. Yeah, I’d agree. This is actually grounds for annulment in the Catholic Church, and I think it’s pretty dispicable. songoman The Vatican police speak Pig-Latin

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m new here, and thought I’d hang out for awhile. I’ve been married now for about 4 1/2 years and for the last three of them, we’ve had a lot of troubles. I think we’re both to blame, actually. Anyway, I’ve gone to counseling (husband refuses to, says there’s nothing wrong with him), and between that and a lot of "soul-searching", I’m pretty much left at no options except for divorce. In the last year–since I started counseling–I’ve tried very hard to work on the marriage but it’s difficult when only one person is working on it. We’re just roommates anymore. We don’t hate each other, but I think he’s unhappy and I *know* I am. I’m having a difficult time with this, since I really believe in the "death do us part" in the marriage vows. However, I feel that things are not tolerable anymore. I could go into a myriad of reasons why, but one main one is this: before we were married, he said he wanted to have kids (I’ve *always* wanted to have children). He "changed his mind" as soon as the ring went on my finger. He told me about a week after the wedding he had really never wanted children. My heart was broken. Yes, there are other things…I told him I would never *force* him to go to church but that I wanted to be free to attend church without ridicule. I didn’t go to church for about the first year of our marriage. In fact, we didn’t go much of anywhere. I told him while we were dating that I really love my music and theatre activities, that I needed to do them. He promised he wouldn’t interfere. Fast forward to now: I now am joining a church here in town, I really love going there. I never force him to go, yet he almost ridicules me for spending time reading and researching the Bible. I decided to do some shows, he gets angry with me EVEN THOUGH he works nights and wouldn’t be home during the times I rehearse anyway. I could get into a lot more, but suffice to say that even as I was willing to work on the marriage, my counselor (and other professionals) were supportive of me ending the marriage. Sum it all up…NEITHER of us are happy. When I am home, he’s constantly underfoot (I mean almost like "Sleeping with the Enemy" underfoot…he doesn’t abuse me physically but it’s almost a mental abuse) and doesn’t trust me. Example: I got the romantic lead in "Pirates of Penzance" and he was asking me SEVERAL times if the guy playing opposite me was happy in his marriage. Please! I told him "That doesn’t matter. You have to trust me." Because I have told him that no matter what, I would never cheat on him. Yeah, right…I need to complicate matters more than they are already? So now, after realizing that (1) I can’t change him nor would I really want to anyway, (2) I love him but not the way I should love him, and (3) I am very unhappy…I want to ask for a divorce. Now, maybe this isn’t appropriate for this group, as I notice most messages seem to indicate that your ex spouses left you…please don’t think I’m cruel. I have tried but I feel I’m dying inside. At this point, though, I don’t have the guts. I have a brother who was divorced a couple years ago, and he knows what my husband is like, and probably would’ve supported a decision like this back then…but now he says, "You can’t do that! You have to stay with him!" Fine, I guess I won’t ask him to help me with the divorce then (he’s a lawyer). Sorry for the long spiel, but I just feel so alone and wanted to type to someone….

Hello, and believe me, I know that feeling. I can’t offer you very much, as you seem to have thought about all of the various aspects of your marriage, and, while I was a " dumpee ", I wouldn’t say that *everyone* ought to stay in a marriage, if one person’s not participating in it. You’re quite correct in that you can’t change him, nor get him to change himself, if he doesn’t want to. Nor would it be reasonable for either spouse to have to mutate themselves into something profoundly not them, just to please the other. marriage is about loving your chosen spouse, and that means all of them. Pick wisely before, for with the donning of that ring, you lose the " right " to complain about any trait that you knew about, before. As he hid his true intentions from you, on matters very core in a marriage, I would call that him dishonouring his vows to be true to you. It’s not possible to make that vow, and lie about somethings as important as religious choice, and having children. You will have to figure out how to do what needs be done, if you do decide that the marriage can’t have him actively participate in it, and in a loving way.   I will admit to being curious about what he thinks ought to be happening in his part of the marriage… Tam

Keep us informed, and we hope that we can be of help to you. Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness "                                          David Gelernter, " 1939 "

Response:

I’m new here, and thought I’d hang out for awhile. I’ve been married now for about 4 1/2 years and for the last three of them, we’ve had a lot of troubles. I think we’re both to blame, actually. Anyway, I’ve gone to counseling (husband refuses to, says there’s nothing wrong with him), and between that and a lot of "soul-searching", I’m pretty much left at no options except for divorce. In the last year–since I started counseling–I’ve tried very hard to work on the marriage but it’s difficult when only one person is working on it. We’re just roommates anymore. We don’t hate each other, but I think he’s unhappy and I *know* I am. I’m having a difficult time with this, since I really believe in the "death do us part" in the marriage vows. However, I feel that things are not tolerable anymore. I could go into a myriad of reasons why, but one main one is this: before we were married, he said he wanted to have kids (I’ve *always* wanted to have children). He "changed his mind" as soon as the ring went on my finger. He told me about a week after the wedding he had really never wanted children. My heart was broken. Yes, there are other things…I told him I would never *force* him to go to church but that I wanted to be free to attend church without ridicule. I didn’t go to church for about the first year of our marriage. In fact, we didn’t go much of anywhere. I told him while we were dating that I really love my music and theatre activities, that I needed to do them. He promised he wouldn’t interfere. Fast forward to now: I now am joining a church here in town, I really love going there. I never force him to go, yet he almost ridicules me for spending time reading and researching the Bible. I decided to do some shows, he gets angry with me EVEN THOUGH he works nights and wouldn’t be home during the times I rehearse anyway. I could get into a lot more, but suffice to say that even as I was willing to work on the marriage, my counselor (and other professionals) were supportive of me ending the marriage. Sum it all up…NEITHER of us are happy. When I am home, he’s constantly underfoot (I mean almost like "Sleeping with the Enemy" underfoot…he doesn’t abuse me physically but it’s almost a mental abuse) and doesn’t trust me. Example: I got the romantic lead in "Pirates of Penzance" and he was asking me SEVERAL times if the guy playing opposite me was happy in his marriage. Please! I told him "That doesn’t matter. You have to trust me." Because I have told him that no matter what, I would never cheat on him. Yeah, right…I need to complicate matters more than they are already? So now, after realizing that (1) I can’t change him nor would I really want to anyway, (2) I love him but not the way I should love him, and (3) I am very unhappy…I want to ask for a divorce. Now, maybe this isn’t appropriate for this group, as I notice most messages seem to indicate that your ex spouses left you…please don’t think I’m cruel. I have tried but I feel I’m dying inside. At this point, though, I don’t have the guts. I have a brother who was divorced a couple years ago, and he knows what my husband is like, and probably would’ve supported a decision like this back then…but now he says, "You can’t do that! You have to stay with him!" Fine, I guess I won’t ask him to help me with the divorce then (he’s a lawyer). Sorry for the long spiel, but I just feel so alone and wanted to type to someone…. Tam

Response:

Filed under: Happiness Loneliness

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