I'm sorry (sp, self-indulgent whine, maybe guns if I get around to it)
Question:
In anything you do, if you focus on the down side, you’ll get little done. Focus on the positive side, having someone to do things with. Obviously you dont have to stay with someone, that why we go out with different people. Good luck, take a dive in the pool– maybe it’s a little cold but you’ll get used to it and have a good time. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – to it) I want to either die, or go live on some island by myself. By myself. What a laugh. You idiot, you will always be by yourself. Nobody will ever love you. I know that feeling. But it’s not because I think I’m a bad person. I’ve just never invested the effort to start a relationship. I’ve had only one semi-long (8 months) relationship since high school, and that’s been over 30 years now. I don’t know what it is. I guess part of it is that I’m scared of what a relationship can bring. I’ve seen plenty of people torn apart and made miserable by arguments, lost love, and the incredibly painful breakup of long term relationships. Loneliness can be bad even when you’re used to it, but try it after 20 years of marriage. That’s gotta suck big time. Even on the one 8 month relationship I did have, that only happened because she called me. She remembered me because we had dated in high school for a while. She was just finishing with a divorce and really needed someone to fill the vacuum left by the breakup. Our relationship went pretty well most of the time, but she had a life plan to move to another state where her sister lived, and that goal eventually won over me. I was devastated for a long time. Perhaps that fear keeps me from ever trying. After all, does a relationship really offer so much that it more than compensates for the occasional pain, and the crushing blow of breaking up? Is being lonely worse than that? It being alone really all that bad? That’s always been a tough call for me, probably because I’ve had so few relationships to compare with. But if I could find someone that I get along with most of the time (I HATE arguments), I would take the risk again in a heartbeat. Unfortunately for me, it’s hard to find that person without looking and I never actively look. Work is virtually all male, and all my friends are either male or married. So waiting for circumstances to introduce me to someone, isn’t working at all. I have this overwhelming feeling that I’m really missing out on the best aspects of life, but the uncertainties and laziness keep me from ever finding out. As a result, I’m always depress when I think about what might have been, but never was. I definitely think I could be loved (so could you) but I seemed to be cursed to view other’s happiness through a window, forever wondering what life would have been for me had I chosen another path, and wondering what my future will be like if I continue to exist only for myself. Pretty bleak I imagine. So while we might be lonely for different reasons, I know what it’s like to say "you idiot". About 10 times a day in fact. Bruce.
Response:
I hope it gets better, Kathleen, and I will I could help in a more substantial way. Nina
Thanks for your kind words, Nina. Kathleen
Response:
Please take care of yourself. Those imaginings of what people say about you can be difficult to deal with…
Thanks, Angela. Kathleen
Response:
I used to not think so. Actually, I’ve been reaching out to people lately, and in doing so, they keep pointing out to me my singleness. I used to kinda take pride in my ability to do things by myself, now it seems like I have to be ashamed of me.
Yep, that describes me exactly. It really hurts to think that the source of my pride has become the source of my pain. Hopefully we’ll both eventually find happiness in life. Bruce.
Response:
And I think that, ultimately, we can move past these things if we want to enough, if we persist long enough, if we keep reminding ourselves that these things are not the truth; they are just old and ultimately unneeded baggage. It’s hard to let those things go because they are familiar and safe even if bad. But eventually, we can and will. That’s what I think, although it might not make sense to anyone but me. Nina
Nina, You’re so patient and thoughtful, thank you. See, for a while, I was beginning to shed my inner gloom. I had to act "as if" and eventually the feelings caught up. I was, well, I had peace of mind. Sure, there were bad days, but overall, I was making progress. Now, I just don’t care. And I don’t care that I don’t care. I really can’t see anything that interests me, and I have no hope for the future. That’s the evil one. Hope, even stupid hope, will keep us above water. I’m drowning now, and I am oh so tired of throwing my own life-lines into the water. Again, thanks for listening and validating my feelings. I hate to sound so needy, but I think that for once in my life, I should be able to be heard. That’s what I like about this place. Kathleen
Response:
I don’t know what it is. I guess part of it is that I’m scared of what a relationship can bring. I’ve seen plenty of people torn apart and made miserable by arguments, lost love, and the incredibly painful breakup of long term relationships. Loneliness can be bad even when you’re used to it, but try it after 20 years of marriage. That’s gotta suck big time.
This used to be what I told myself. And, of course, I don’t want to be in a bad relationship just for the sake of. Having said that, when people ask me now if I’m married or whatever, I feel like saying to them, "Uh, don’t you know? I don’t have a choice anymore. They’re not picking me, ’cause I ain’t good enough." That’s the truth, and it hurts. I was devastated for a long time.
I’m sorry, I do understand the pain. You couldn’t have gone with her? Is being lonely worse than that? It being alone really all that bad?
I used to not think so. Actually, I’ve been reaching out to people lately, and in doing so, they keep pointing out to me my singleness. I used to kinda take pride in my ability to do things by myself, now it seems like I have to be ashamed of me. I definitely think I could be loved (so could you) but I seemed to be cursed to view other’s happiness through a window, forever wondering what life would have been for me had I chosen another path,
This is me in a nutshell. I feel like I wasn’t given a ticket for admission to life. And that I’m stuck watching everyone else–while everyone else is telling me how great I am and how lucky I am and yada yada yada crap. Thanks for listening to me, Bruce. Kathleen
Response:
I don’t believe this, not for a minute. Your own perceptions are lying to you. I know so well how this is; you know I’ve been there, done that. But it’s a state of mind, not reality, even though it seems like reality at the moment.
I used to think that. But what if the darkness is me? I’m truly beginning to believe that. I am the joke of life. Some people are, right? Why not me? Unanswerable questions, I know. Thanks for trying and listening. Kathleen
Response:
I want to either die, or go live on some island by myself. By myself. What a laugh. You idiot, you will always be by yourself. Nobody will ever love you.
I know that feeling. But it’s not because I think I’m a bad person. I’ve just never invested the effort to start a relationship. I’ve had only one semi-long (8 months) relationship since high school, and that’s been over 30 years now. I don’t know what it is. I guess part of it is that I’m scared of what a relationship can bring. I’ve seen plenty of people torn apart and made miserable by arguments, lost love, and the incredibly painful breakup of long term relationships. Loneliness can be bad even when you’re used to it, but try it after 20 years of marriage. That’s gotta suck big time. Even on the one 8 month relationship I did have, that only happened because she called me. She remembered me because we had dated in high school for a while. She was just finishing with a divorce and really needed someone to fill the vacuum left by the breakup. Our relationship went pretty well most of the time, but she had a life plan to move to another state where her sister lived, and that goal eventually won over me. I was devastated for a long time. Perhaps that fear keeps me from ever trying. After all, does a relationship really offer so much that it more than compensates for the occasional pain, and the crushing blow of breaking up? Is being lonely worse than that? It being alone really all that bad? That’s always been a tough call for me, probably because I’ve had so few relationships to compare with. But if I could find someone that I get along with most of the time (I HATE arguments), I would take the risk again in a heartbeat. Unfortunately for me, it’s hard to find that person without looking and I never actively look. Work is virtually all male, and all my friends are either male or married. So waiting for circumstances to introduce me to someone, isn’t working at all. I have this overwhelming feeling that I’m really missing out on the best aspects of life, but the uncertainties and laziness keep me from ever finding out. As a result, I’m always depress when I think about what might have been, but never was. I definitely think I could be loved (so could you) but I seemed to be cursed to view other’s happiness through a window, forever wondering what life would have been for me had I chosen another path, and wondering what my future will be like if I continue to exist only for myself. Pretty bleak I imagine. So while we might be lonely for different reasons, I know what it’s like to say "you idiot". About 10 times a day in fact. Bruce.
Response:
I don’t think that this sounded like a self-indulgent whine. What it did sound like was someone who is in alot of pain and distress. I feel so badly. I know so well where you are coming from and I hope that you chose to live rather than die. We all fucked up lives in one respect or another but for everyday we live and survive it is a hard won accomplishment and it defeats depression. I know how hard it is to deal with things going on around us. I wish I could give you some advice on this. I just don’t have any. It is something we have to find inside ourselves and draw on. It is so damned hard. It is even harder to try and find a reason to make it to the next day. I don’t think you are a freak. Right I don’t know you and I probably will never see you but from what you have written I don’t see FREAK showing up anywhere. I see a human being just like me who hurts and who wants the pain to end. I wish I could take some of your pain. Please know that my email and IMs are always open. Becky Safe in the womb Of an everlasting night You find the darkness can Give the brightest light Safe in your place deep in the earth That’s when they’ll know what you’re really worth Forgotten while you’re here
Response:
Please take care of yourself. Those imaginings of what people say about you can be difficult to deal with… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Well, The truth is, I am ashamed of my existance. I don’t deserve to be alive. I’m so embarrassed of just me. And I don’t even feel at home in my own skin. I want to die. I’m so sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really fucked up this life, and now, people know it. I can’t hide it anymore. When people see me, they know that I’m not worthy. It’s so fucking obvious. What do they say about me behind my back? God I hope she leaves us alone. Who does she think she’s kidding? She even looks like a freak. And I am a freak. When someone says, (and they always feign incredulity, yeah right) You don’t have a boyfriend? Why not? All I can think is It’s glaringly obvious to me, you’ll catch on soon enough. I’m a fucking freak. That’s what they call people like me. I want to either die, or go live on some island by myself. By myself. What a laugh. You idiot, you will always be by yourself. Nobody will ever love you. And the real reason I don’t support the second ammendment? ’Cause if I had a gun right now, it’d be resting under my chin. And I don’t have what it takes to stop myself from firing. Please, god, you can take me. I would kill myself if I had the guts. I don’t care about burning in hell forever. I’m already in hell.
Response:
Well, The truth is, I am ashamed of my existance. I don’t deserve to be alive. I’m so embarrassed of just me. And I don’t even feel at home in my own skin. I want to die. I’m so sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really fucked up this life, and now, people know it. I can’t hide it anymore. When people see me, they know that I’m not worthy. It’s so fucking obvious. What do they say about me behind my back? God I hope she leaves us alone. Who does she think she’s kidding? She even looks like a freak. And I am a freak. When someone says, (and they always feign incredulity, yeah right) You don’t have a boyfriend? Why not? All I can think is It’s glaringly obvious to me, you’ll catch on soon enough. I’m a fucking freak. That’s what they call people like me. I want to either die, or go live on some island by myself. By myself. What a laugh. You idiot, you will always be by yourself. Nobody will ever love you. And the real reason I don’t support the second ammendment? ’Cause if I had a gun right now, it’d be resting under my chin. And I don’t have what it takes to stop myself from firing. Please, god, you can take me. I would kill myself if I had the guts. I don’t care about burning in hell forever. I’m already in hell.
Response:
Filed under: Happiness Loneliness
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