Lonely Loneliness

My girlfriend of 4 months told me she's married!!

Question:

In article <38bd92ab.6499297@news>,   jrsey…@yahoo.com (Mark) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m in America, she’s in Russia. We met online and fell in love. We > met in person last month in Finland. We talked very much about getting > married, and her moving to America. Well, two days ago, she told me > she’s married!! I don’t know what to do! She was married for 1 1/2 > years and they seperated 1 1/2 years ago. Only after our meeting in > Finland, she decided to finalize the divorce and it should be final at > the end of March. I’m confused now because she’s kept such a big > secret hidden from me for so long. Could I trust her in the future? > I’m also concerned about the fact that she waited until she found > someone else (me) before she finalized the divorce. I had many ideas > about how I will ask her to marry me, now it seems that it won’t be as > exciting for her because she’s already heard those words before > (anyone who has re-married, please tell me about your experience). > There’s also the stories about Russian women only wanting a free > ticket to America, and the stories about Russian-American marriages > rarely working out. I’ve always believed that marriage should only > happen once in someone’s life (except rare circumstances). She’s > already been married, and soon divorced, so sometimes I fear that we > will become another "My Russian Bride" statistic. We agreed that I > won’t tell anyone about it because she wants to forget everything when > she comes to America. We don’t want her to be asked any questions > about it by friends, family, etc. So, that’s why I’m here! I have > nobody else to talk to about it! Any help would be greatly > appreciated. I don’t know, maybe I’m worrying too much. > –Mark

"Ah… You big strong American Joe.  I wuv you wong time.  You take me to America where I do your cooking and cleaning and be your wife.  I fucky-wucky you every night." Heard those words before?  They aren’t a joke.  You’re being taken for a ride, buddy.  She better break off the other relationship and be out of it for awhile before you make such a commitment.  She is using you for a free ride to America. If nothing else think of it this way: even in your hometown jumping from one marriage to another without some real self-introspection time in between stinks of impending doom.  Why would you do it from thousands of miles away? bad — Visualize whirled peas. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

In article <38bd92ab.6499297@news>, jrsey…@yahoo.com (Mark) writes: >She’s >already been married, and soon divorced, so sometimes I fear that we >will become another "My Russian Bride" statistic. We agreed that I >won’t tell anyone about it because she wants to forget everything when >she comes to America. We don’t want her to be asked any questions >about it by friends, family, etc.

This has disaster written all over it! She’s not been honest with you from the beginning, and now she wants you to basically lie to your friends and family about her past. Don’t you wonder what else might be lurking out there that she just hasn’t happened to mention yet? Could it possibly be that she is just using you to be able to come to this country? You should seriously consider running, not walking, as far away from this relationship as you can get. There are a lot of honest women out there that want relationships with loving men. Don’t rush into this out of loneliness or a feeling like this is your only chance at happiness…it’s not, believe me.

Response:

The thread started a month ago, but here I go… Mark, I had the same situation 2.5 yrs ago, long distance love.  She told me that news 4 months later after we officially started the relationship.  The latter went on a bit different, but anyhow, it was hard at first, but for me, the more I understand her, the more I appreciated her honesty and committment.  "We" solved the problem when she decided to do the divorce process. I think there are many more views that just the issue of being married and hide it from someone.  1st of all, she barely knew you back then, so it might be that she didn’t feel comfortable to tell a stranger about her personal life. 4 months or so was about right.  There are more justified reasons, but you have to figure that for yourself. FYI. my gf broke up w/ me a few weeks ago. I never regret I got to know such a wonderful lady as she is. you live and learn, you die then forget it all. Life isn’t always fair at least in this life. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m in America, she’s in Russia. We met online and fell in love. We > met in person last month in Finland. We talked very much about getting > married, and her moving to America. Well, two days ago, she told me > she’s married!! I don’t know what to do! She was married for 1 1/2 > years and they seperated 1 1/2 years ago. Only after our meeting in > Finland, she decided to finalize the divorce and it should be final at > the end of March. I’m confused now because she’s kept such a big > secret hidden from me for so long. Could I trust her in the future? > I’m also concerned about the fact that she waited until she found > someone else (me) before she finalized the divorce. I had many ideas > about how I will ask her to marry me, now it seems that it won’t be as > exciting for her because she’s already heard those words before > (anyone who has re-married, please tell me about your experience). > There’s also the stories about Russian women only wanting a free > ticket to America, and the stories about Russian-American marriages > rarely working out. I’ve always believed that marriage should only > happen once in someone’s life (except rare circumstances). She’s > already been married, and soon divorced, so sometimes I fear that we > will become another "My Russian Bride" statistic. We agreed that I > won’t tell anyone about it because she wants to forget everything when > she comes to America. We don’t want her to be asked any questions > about it by friends, family, etc. So, that’s why I’m here! I have > nobody else to talk to about it! Any help would be greatly > appreciated. I don’t know, maybe I’m worrying too much. > –Mark

Response:

>It has to do with my grandparents’ family values they brought with >them from Poland, and how I’m attracted to women of that part >of the world for their beauty, nature, and values.

Ya know, Mark, not to be a downer or anything, but, from first being the military myself and now married to a military member, I’ve seen *lots* of intercultural marriages and one of the reasons that a lot of the men (and women) who marry someone from a- nother country do that is just what you have mentioned. They like the values, the attitudes, the whole social/cultural difference in their mates. There comes a problem after the marriage. The new spouse is *no longer* in their own culture/society and, suddenly, they are bombarded with our culture and society. And what happens is that they realize that there *is* a different way of doing things. In a large amount of instances, the new spouse, instead of bringing their own ‘Old World’ values into the marriage, ends up eagerly embracing their ‘new world’s’ values and their spouse is left to wonder who the heck they actually married. I took a break to try to figure out how to say this next part without offending anyone. I know this is a multi-national forum and I’m not dissing anyone, really. Take this next part in the spirit it was meant, please. I think the biggest mistake that Americans (and people from other industrialized, free countries) make when they decide they want to marry someone from another country is that they expect that person and their outlook on marriage/kids/money/etc., to stay the same. They like the ‘Old World’ values, the ‘Old World’ way of looking at life, but, in a lot of cases, those values and outlooks on life are based on the way life is in their particular country. And, when those people are taken out of that country and living in the US or Britain or Australia or Canada, suddenly, they can come to realize that there are different ways of thinking and, more importantly, if they *do* decide to think/ believe in that different way, they are not facing the horrible conse- quences they *would* have in their own country. Look at it this way: Four years ago, when we were definitely headed for a divorce, I *knew* that I had options. Getting a divorce, while painful and sure to cause turmoil in my and our children’s lives, really didn’t affect our chances of survival and, when looked at from a social point of view, wouldn’t have had a devastating effect there either. We wouldn’t have been ostracized, we wouldn’t have felt ‘looked down upon’ because I was divorces. I was able to make the decision to stay in my marriage *without* the pressure of poverty/possible star- vation/death/social ‘pariahship’ staring me in the face. Now, if I had lived in a country where the loss of my husband through divorce would possibly entail all of those things, I have a feeling that divorce would not have been on my list of options at the time. When our values/belief systems are established with death as a possible/ probable consequence to going against that value system, we tend to stick with it. When death is taken out of the loop, our value system can change. I guess my whole point of this is that when you bring/take someone to a different culture/society, don’t expect them to bring it with them. They will embrace *yours* and that will probably mean that the values that you appreciate might change. — Tracey — "Oh, bother,’ said Pooh, as the Borg assimilated Piglet. "B-B-B-But, P-p-p-p-p-pooh! Re-Re-Re-s-s-s-sistance is f-f-f-f-f-f-futile!" said Piglet.

Response:

First, thanks to everyone who replied. Here’s a little more info for those who want it. I’m 29, she’s 24. We talked about many things before our meeting in Finland, and after our meeting we feel even closer. That’s why the news of her marriage was so surprising to me. We have a lot in common and share many of the same interests and views about life, family, etc. We not only Email every day, but IM for about 2 – 3 hours almost every night, and talk on the phone. It’s a long story about why I wanted to meet someone from Eastern Europe. It has to do with my grandparents’ family values they brought with them from Poland, and how I’m attracted to women of that part of the world for their beauty, nature, and values. She doesn’t have any kids and her husband is very cooperative with the divorce. The divorce will be final at the end of the month. –Mark

Response:

You’re right, she was married a total of 3 years. –Mark – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -On Thu, 2 Mar 2000 17:58:24 -0600, i…@Algebra.Com (Igor) wrote: >Thanks, Tamara. >igor >TYounger <bo…@mindspring.com> wrote: >* > Igor said… >* > Mark <jrsey…@yahoo.com> wrote: >* > * I’m in America, she’s in Russia. We met online and fell in love. We >* > * met in person last month in Finland. We talked very much about getting >* > * married, and her moving to America. Well, two days ago, she told me >* > * she’s married!! I don’t know what to do! She was married for 1 1/2 >* > * years and they seperated 1 1/2 years ago. Only after our meeting in >* > >* > I am confused, she was married for 1.5 years and separated for all >* > that time? >* >* I took it that she’s been married a total of three years. >* >* Tamara >– >————————————————————————– — >char*p="char*p=%c%s%c;main(){printf(p,34,p,34);}";main(){printf(p,34,p,34) ;} >            "It’s never too late to have a happy childhood." >                     http://www.algebra.com/~ichudov  

Response:

> Igor said… > Mark <jrsey…@yahoo.com> wrote: > * I’m in America, she’s in Russia. We met online and fell in love. We > * met in person last month in Finland. We talked very much about getting > * married, and her moving to America. Well, two days ago, she told me > * she’s married!! I don’t know what to do! She was married for 1 1/2 > * years and they seperated 1 1/2 years ago. Only after our meeting in > I am confused, she was married for 1.5 years and separated for all > that time?

I took it that she’s been married a total of three years. Tamara

Response:

Hi all, This Russian bride thing has been bothering me.  My sympathetic post yesterday was kind of my first response, but I’m beginning to have deeper concerns. My first question was: why didn’t she tell you she was married? My next question would be something like: is there anything else that you have a right to know?  Does she have any children?  Will her mother be moving in with you? In marriage you will have lots of problems, but there’s nothing like honest communication for solving them and, thus far, this is nothing like honest communication. The thing itself is a kind of transaction: a bride for a citizenship.  To expect every one of these to transcend its origins seems a tiny bit unrealistic, which isn’t to say that some might not.  Still, I think you are feeling romantic, while she is likely to be being pragmatic.  She has definitely put her best side forward, but you can’t marry just a veneer. In all marriage, I would say take some time to think before you do it! Regards, Ian

Response:

On 02 Mar 2000 08:46:26 EST, numbat_ex…@hotmail.com (Jenni) wrote: <snip> >Florida, if this brings Kirby on our heads, I’m holding you responsible! I >don’t know that I’d suggest anyone read the long winded rantings of a >misogynist lunatic for any reason – he’s far from enlightening. You’re not >suggesting all Russian women are like Mrs. Ex-Kirby, are you?

You never know where Kirby will pop up … has he actually been in this group before other than through crossposting?    Reminds me of those Harry Potter books where people will not say you-know-who’s name Long-distance relationships are risky … long-distance relationships crossing cultural and language boundaries are even more risky.  Seems like an almost certain recipe for disaster to me. I suspect a great many of those ads we see here representing Russian women are by companies/people exploiting those women … probably charging them for access to the net while dangling the carrot of a better life outside Russia and the former Soviet Union while minimizing the challenges such relationships will face, if consumated. I am relatively confident Russian women are no more evil or good than any other women (this said without having met any myself) … I do not trust anyone, male or female, who needs to go to the net to find personal relationships where great distances are involved …using the net to meet people locally is quite another matter and can make great sense for those who are not having any luck with the "old fashioned" ways (churches, bars, work, etc). BTW, I have female netfriends in places like Malaysia, Australia, New Zealand, California, Sweden, etc who I know well enough to invite to use my guestroom if they came to the States or who I would visit if I found myself in their part of the world but these are not those cybersex relationships so often discussed here … instead these friendships have arisen over years of e-mail communication. Floridanewbie

Response:

Hi Mark, Maybe she didn’t want to tell you until she was sure about things. Possibly, it was better to stay married in Russia than divorce. I do have to say that I’ve known, and know, lots of people who are separated for years and never bother divorcing, even when they are in long-term relationships with other people.  Legally this is very unwise. There was an amusing episode of the British TV series, "Cold Feet," the other night.  The couple moved in together and he found what he thought was a joke wedding certificate with her name on it.  The certificate was real and she had forgotten to mention being previously married. The question that most needs to be asked is: why didn’t she tell you before?  The right answer to this question should be a step forward.  An affronted, self-righteous response should indicate that you are well off out of it! How similar are your future plans?  Can you cultivate interests together? Even if she was only marrying you to get to America, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she won’t be totally committed to the marriage.  Many of us have worked out what we want before we meet potential partners and this is just one major thing on her list. You do need to know her better though. Best regards, Ian

Response:

On Wed, 01 Mar 2000 22:45:34 GMT, jrsey…@yahoo.com (Mark) wrote: >I’m in America, she’s in Russia. We met online and fell in love. We >met in person last month in Finland. We talked very much about getting >married, and her moving to America.

<snip> Head over to alt.support.divorce and take a look at all the marriages that are ending or have ended where the people actually knew each other for years of dating in the same city and/or living together before getting married.    These people thought they knew what they were doing and had up close and personal evidence they were right. You are thinking of living a fantasy … what do you realistically think the odds are that your marriage will survive longer than it takes for her to get permanent status here…. unless you are very wealthy, in which case you may meet an untimely end or get hit with a large settlement to be rid of her. Hey Igor, you know something about Russia … what do you think? Although I cannot stand his posts, while checking in ASD, take a look at J. Kirby Inwood’s posts about his lovely Russian bride and what she is alleged to have done to him.   If Kirby was sane before, he sure gives quite the opposite impression now… and that happened something like thirteen years ago! Have you ever been in love with anyone who lived in your town or who went to school with you?   If not, I’d say you need a lot more experience in the game of life and are selling yourself short.  You are going to get hurt if you go through with this.  Don’t do it. Floridanewbie

Response:

I probably have a different take on this than others who are likely to respond. I think it is commendable that she told you about this. It sounds like she could easily have hidden it from you, but that it was important for her not to have any remaining secrets between you at the beginning of your marriage. I can’t help but wonder at your motivation in seeking out a foreign bride, though…. "Mark" <jrsey…@yahoo.com> wrote in message

news:38bd92ab.6499297@news… | I’m in America, she’s in Russia. We met online and fell in love. We | met in person last month in Finland. We talked very much about getting | married, and her moving to America. Well, two days ago, she told me | she’s married!! I don’t know what to do! She was married for 1 1/2 | years and they seperated 1 1/2 years ago. Only after our meeting in | Finland, she decided to finalize the divorce and it should be final at | the end of March. I’m confused now because she’s kept such a big | secret hidden from me for so long. Could I trust her in the future? | I’m also concerned about the fact that she waited until she found | someone else (me) before she finalized the divorce. I had many ideas | about how I will ask her to marry me, now it seems that it won’t be as | exciting for her because she’s already heard those words before | (anyone who has re-married, please tell me about your experience). | There’s also the stories about Russian women only wanting a free | ticket to America, and the stories about Russian-American marriages | rarely working out. I’ve always believed that marriage should only | happen once in someone’s life (except rare circumstances). She’s | already been married, and soon divorced, so sometimes I fear that we | will become another "My Russian Bride" statistic. We agreed that I | won’t tell anyone about it because she wants to forget everything when | she comes to America. We don’t want her to be asked any questions | about it by friends, family, etc. So, that’s why I’m here! I have | nobody else to talk to about it! Any help would be greatly | appreciated. I don’t know, maybe I’m worrying too much. | –Mark |

Response:

dont do it

Response:

sounds like she wants a ticket to America

Response:

Mark wrote: > I’m in America, she’s in Russia. We met online and fell in love. We > met in person last month in Finland. We talked very much about getting > married, and her moving to America. Well, two days ago, she told me > she’s married!! I don’t know what to do!…

Suckerrrrrrr — "No matter how badly the idiots may outnumber you, they’re still the idiots" – Daria

Response:

>From: jrsey…@yahoo.com  (Mark) >I’m in America, she’s in Russia. We met online and fell in love.

I say go back to Jersey and find someone who your gut instinct says you can trust.  To start off with a lie is asking for trouble.  There are lots of fish in the sea…and some of them are honest  Good luck.

Response:

comments inline Mark <jrsey…@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:38bd92ab.6499297@news… > I’m in America, she’s in Russia. We met online and fell in love. We > met in person last month in Finland. We talked very much about getting > married, and her moving to America.

You don’t really know her.  The cultural differences alone would take longer to understand and overcome.  You’re probably infatuated with your idea of who she should be.  Four months of only online communication means next to nothing in a marital relationship. >Well, two days ago, she told me > she’s married!! I don’t know what to do!

Bolt.  Now.  She lied to you to start your ‘relationship’. >She was married for 1 1/2 > years and they seperated 1 1/2 years ago. Only after our meeting in > Finland, she decided to finalize the divorce and it should be final at > the end of March. I’m confused now because she’s kept such a big > secret hidden from me for so long. Could I trust her in the future?

Probably not. > I’m also concerned about the fact that she waited until she found > someone else (me) before she finalized the divorce.

You should be. >I had many ideas > about how I will ask her to marry me, now it seems that it won’t be as > exciting for her because she’s already heard those words before > (anyone who has re-married, please tell me about your experience).

Doesn’t matter.  Forget this questionable person and find a woman in your area you can trust and actually get to know one on one. > There’s also the stories about Russian women only wanting a free > ticket to America,

I know a fellow who does business in Russia.  He tells me this is very common these days. >and the stories about Russian-American marriages > rarely working out. I’ve always believed that marriage should only > happen once in someone’s life (except rare circumstances). She’s > already been married, and soon divorced, so sometimes I fear that we > will become another "My Russian Bride" statistic. We agreed that I > won’t tell anyone about it because she wants to forget everything when > she comes to America. We don’t want her to be asked any questions > about it by friends, family, etc.

She started off by lying to you, and now wants you to start Your New Life Together by lying to your family and friends.  There are so many red flags here.  I really get the feeling from this post that this person is using you, and you’re going to end up financially broken and heartbroken, too. From what you write, you’d be so much better off in the long run by forgetting this whole idea and starting off new with someone you can trust and with whom you can build an honest, trusting, fullfilling life. >So, that’s why I’m here! I have > nobody else to talk to about it! Any help would be greatly > appreciated. I don’t know, maybe I’m worrying too much.

You aren’t.  Really. > –Mark

– manfred

Response:

I’m in America, she’s in Russia. We met online and fell in love. We met in person last month in Finland. We talked very much about getting married, and her moving to America. Well, two days ago, she told me she’s married!! I don’t know what to do! She was married for 1 1/2 years and they seperated 1 1/2 years ago. Only after our meeting in Finland, she decided to finalize the divorce and it should be final at the end of March. I’m confused now because she’s kept such a big secret hidden from me for so long. Could I trust her in the future? I’m also concerned about the fact that she waited until she found someone else (me) before she finalized the divorce. I had many ideas about how I will ask her to marry me, now it seems that it won’t be as exciting for her because she’s already heard those words before (anyone who has re-married, please tell me about your experience). There’s also the stories about Russian women only wanting a free ticket to America, and the stories about Russian-American marriages rarely working out. I’ve always believed that marriage should only happen once in someone’s life (except rare circumstances). She’s already been married, and soon divorced, so sometimes I fear that we will become another "My Russian Bride" statistic. We agreed that I won’t tell anyone about it because she wants to forget everything when she comes to America. We don’t want her to be asked any questions about it by friends, family, etc. So, that’s why I’m here! I have nobody else to talk to about it! Any help would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know, maybe I’m worrying too much. –Mark

Response:

Filed under: Happiness Loneliness

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