Lonely Loneliness

soulmates

Question:

In article <90b3mm$9d…@nnrp1.deja.com>,   g…@my-deja.com wrote: > Here’s a question for everyone: Do you think soulmates exist?

Guby: yes I do.  And my belief is that we have several in this world.  The trick is having the patience to (and luck) to find at least one of them. And if you’re really lucky, finding more than one. > Let me back up a second and define what I mean by soulmate. Despite > the use of the word ’soul’, I’m not trying to bring any religious > definition of love in. Nor am I trying to refer to a soul as some > separate entity of yourself which will continue after your death. You > see, I’m somewhat of an agnostic/atheist. My use of the word > "soul"mate is intended to refer to someone who, while they may not > be completely identical to you, is able to understand you at a level > that few other people, if any, can. It’s someone with whom you will > always have something to talk about, and even when your not talking > about something, just being in the same room with them makes you feel > different … makes you feel like things are more right.

This is a very good definition of a soulmate.  This is exactly what I think of as a soulmate.  I know a person like this.  She’s my ex-girlfriend (as of a few weeks now) and the loss has overwhelmed me.  So if we’re soulmates, why are we no longer together?  Because it was a long distance relationship, and she decided she could no longer be monogamous.  She thought we could have an open relationship and if we were "meant to be" that we would survive it and eventually be together.  However, I think it’s impossible without a commitment. But this is getting off subject here, so I’ll stop rambling. > I’m not > trying to define romantic love either. No Romeo and Juliet love at > first sight here. The feeling of "rightness" I’m trying to get at > is not "excitement", which is what is felt in "Romantic" romeo-juliet > type love. Not that there wouldn’t be any excitement in the relationship > but just that it doesn’t DEFINE it.

Exactly.  My ex-girlfriend and I didn’t experience love at first sight, and in fact, I think THAT is something that doesn’t exist. If anything, you get infatuated with people at first, that’s all. And it’s certainly not the basis for a good relationship. > Anyways, > so maybe there’s imperfect relationships out there which resemble > very closely the ideal of a relationship with a soulmate. Imperfect > doesn’t mean "bad", but just "realistic". > Do you think that exists?

Yes, most definitely.  And don’t settle for anything less. > Now I’m alone again, and I’m falling into the same > rutt as I was in before, believing that I’m a lonely sob who won’t > meet anyone.

Me too. > Before I just wanted to affirm my > self worth by being in a relationship. Now I’m lonely, and I’m looking > for more than just to remove that loneliness. I’m looking for a > soulmate. Does anyone else here know what I mean?

Yes.  YES!!! > I’m sure what I’m looking for is very very difficult to find.

No answers there.  I think my last find was pure luck. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

Guby: Well, you raise a number of points and I wish i had the time adn energy to answer them all.  Here are three brief points: I believe that soulmates exists, btu that doesnt mean that they always find each other for marriage.  (maybe some find each otehr too late for marriage adn maybe some never fidn each other) Soul mates are not the SAME as you are, they provide that perfect "Otherness" that completes you FULLY, whereas other others (that is intentional) add to your completeness but not as much. Lastly, you can have a very fulfilling relationship and even marriage with someone who is not your soulmate. How is taht for food for thought. IronicMN

Response:

Your parents definitely sound like you would have to make an effort to get along with them. My parents aren’t quite that way … well, I guess I think that now, since I don’t live with them anymore. I wouldn’t want to move back home for all them money in the world, though! As for my ex. Well, I don’t think there was much apologizing for her … or me, for that matter … to do. I think it was just that we weren’t a match and weren’t meant to be. Thinking back on that one incident that I described below about her talking to her friend right in the middle of me saying something, she did actually apologize for that and seemed genuinely worried that it upset me. But like I said, the excuse that she made for it, why it happened, was flimsy. I dunno. We just weren’t the best suited couple, I guess. Hopefully the future will bring me together with someone who’s personality and mine click a lot more. I know it’s going to be hard to meet someone like that, though. Oh, well. I just don’t want to get stuck in a rutt where my negative thinking overpowers my … less negative thinking. (You thought I was going to say positive thinking … me, a positive thinker? Ha.) guby. In article <90n4ne$jp…@nnrp1.deja.com>,   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> In article <90mopg$ad…@nnrp1.deja.com>, >   g…@my-deja.com wrote: > > In article <90juqk$11…@nnrp1.deja.com>, > >   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: > > > I thought I was for a while there, but I’m not so sure now it was. > > Hindsight is evil. Never pay any attention to it. Really. > I dunno. It’s not bad if you can learn from your mistakes, not that > many human beans are any good at that > > > The one thing that bugged me more than anything else about my ex was > > > his childishness. He made a point of finding things that annoyed me > > and > > > went out of his way to do them, he actually admitted to doing this > > > after we split up without any prompting from me. One perfect > expample > > > of this is when we were driving somewhere, me driving him in the > > > passenger seat, he would reach over and hit the horn. My peripheral > > > vision isn’t the best and so having the horn suddenly blaring > without > > > any warning really gave me a shock and almost caused more than a few > > > accidents. It got to the point where I would immediately pull over > to > > > the side of the road and make him walk home no matter where we were > or > > > what time of day it was. I felt like a real bitch doing this but he > > > didn’t really give me any alternative. > > > It’s actually kind of funny looking at it now > > > He was also very manipulative. Not long after I had told him that I > > > felt we would both be happier away from each other. He turned up on > my > > > doorstep one day looking utterly miserable, he’s one of those people > > > who do the "sad-eyed dog" look fairly well, but not convincingly. I > > > felt sorry for him when I saw him like that and so we stood at the > > door > > > talking for a while. Then he started crying and put his hands over > his > > > face. At first I believed that he was really crying, but when he > > > seperated his fingers and pulled his head up to see if I was > watching > > > and then put his head down and put some extra effort into > the "crying" > > > I didn’t know whether I wanted to laugh at him or slam the door in > his > > > face more. I still feel angry when I think about this incident. > > Yikes. I’m not sure if I’m the only one who thinks this (anyone else > > reading the thread want to back me up?), but what you describe above > > (both with the honking the horn, and the fake crying) sounds like > > genuine Jerk ™ behaviour. I think a lot of people would find that > > stuff intolerable, not just you. > That’s a relief. I often felt like I was bitch of the century trying to > deal with this stuff and then ending the relationship. > > > You’re possibly right in saying that I might be more tolerant of the > > > right person’s faults. Maybe… I’ve become a little more tolerant > of > > > my parent’s faults. I either tolerate them, I ignore them or I walk > > > away > > What is it about your parents’ that bug you? (When I lived with my > > parents I felt sometimes like I was living in the Simpson household. > > Somewhat of an exaggeration… my dad wasn’t quite as bad as Homer > > Simpson … and no sibblings either). > LOL where to start?! My mother belches in public and laughs about it, > she smokes around me even though she knows it aggravates a cough I’ve > had since I had pneumonia 4 years ago, she’s ALWAYS arguing with > SOMEONE in her family, she’s ALWAYS bitching about someone, she points > out faults in everyone else and insists that they change their ways not > realising or admitting that she has a lot of those same faults herself > (ie calling her boyfriend an alchoholic, which she also is, and > insisting that he cut down his drinking) using the threat of committing > suicide to get her own way etc etc etc > My father is VERY critical, he’s told me on more than one occasion that > I’m a disappointment to him, I can’t remember the last time either of > them said that they loved me or hugged me unless they had an ulterior > motive (it’s a relief to see that he hugs and encourages my half > brother and sister), he’s criticised me for complaining or > procastinating when he’s asked me to do things for him and yet I NEVER > did until recently, he procrastinates or manages to talk his way out of > doing things for me, he and my stepmother often talk down to me unless > they want something from me, they organise for my little brother and > sister to go and play with friends when I’ve made prior arrangements to > take them to the zoo or elsewhere, they often invite my older brother > to go camping with them etc but exclude me etc etc etc I could go on > (and on and on) but I think I’ll leave it there > > > What about you doesn’t your ex understand? Do you think you could > have > > > done more to enable her to understand and know you better? Are you > > > absolutely certain she was agreeing with you just for the sake of > > doing > > > so? I’ve been accused of doing this, even though I really did agree > > > with what the other person was saying and wasnt aware of any feeling > > of > > > agreeing for the sake of agreeing. > > While my ex and I had similar experiences growing up (both teased and > > bullied a lot at school growing up, neither of us had a real > > relationship before), I don’t know if she really understood what I > went > > through. Not that she didn’t understand what she went through, and > what > > she went through was similar … but she just didn’t understand *my* > > perspective of what I went through. Does that make sense? The kind of > > stuff I dealt with growing up left a mark on me, and it made me shy > and > > paranoid. Paranoid that when I initially meet people that they hate > me, > > and that they’d rather I wasn’t around. When I started a new job when > > we were going out, I would tell her that I was afraid I was going to > be > > fired because my boss hated me. I explained to her why I thought this, > > and she would always try to reassure me, but it felt like empty > > reassurance. She tried, and it pained me that I couldn’t find any more > > comfort in what she was trying to do, but it almost seemed like she > was > > only going through the motions. That there was no real connection > > there. > > I remember one time we were in a store, and one of her friends was > > there as well, and I was relating some funny incident to her. You > know, > > nothing serious. Just a story I had remembered because of something we > > saw/said had triggered it. And in the middle of me telling her this > she > > turned and started talking to her friend. I hadn’t even finished > > talking. I stopped in mid-sentence because there was no point of me > > going on. I was thinking: what the hell? Don’t you even care what I’m > > saying? I confronted her afterwards about this and judging from her > > response, she didn’t even realize she had done that. She made some > > flimsy excuse that she just gets that way when she’s with a friend. > > And that’s just one example. In other conversations, both personal, > and > > about life/religion in general, I never sensed that we understood each > > other. Actually, our religious beliefs were a major obstactle. She was > > Christian (practicing), and I’m an Atheist. That didn’t exactly mix. > Ouch that’s painful stuff. I can relate to heaps of that, especially > being bullied at school and it effecting present relationships. Did > your girlfriend apologise at all for any of the stuff you described or > did she just offer you the pitiful excuse? > > I don’t know what more I could have done to try to establish > > a "connection" to be honest. > > Anyways, > > Take care, > > guby. > > > In article <90hfm2$h…@nnrp1.deja.com>, > > >   g…@my-deja.com wrote: > > > > In article <90h9k8$rf…@nnrp1.deja.com>, > > > >   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: > > > > > I know, I know. I sometimes just get this feeling that I’m meant > > to > > > be > > > > > alone, that I couldn’t possibly do anyone silly enough to be in > a > > > > > relationship with me anygood (I’m cringing even as I type this) > > I’m > > > > not > > > > > sure that I can even feel anything akin to love for anyone. I > > liked > > > my > > > > > ex, I enjoyed his company for a while but I sometimes feel that > > > > > relationships and I don’t mix. Maybe it’s just that old cliche > of > > > not > > > > > having found the right person, or maybe I’m not as tolerant of > > > others > > > > > as I think I am and want to be. I was certainly very intolerant > of > > > my > > > > > ex’s faults. > > > > You said you enjoyed your ex’s company for a while. Wouldn’t you > say > > > at

… read more »

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<g…@my-deja.com> wrote in message news:90mopg$adq$1@nnrp1.deja.com… > In article <90juqk$11…@nnrp1.deja.com>, >   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: > > I thought I was for a while there, but I’m not so sure now it was. > Hindsight is evil. Never pay any attention to it. Really. > > The one thing that bugged me more than anything else about my ex was > > his childishness. He made a point of finding things that annoyed me > and > > went out of his way to do them, he actually admitted to doing this > > after we split up without any prompting from me. One perfect expample > > of this is when we were driving somewhere, me driving him in the > > passenger seat, he would reach over and hit the horn. My peripheral > > vision isn’t the best and so having the horn suddenly blaring without > > any warning really gave me a shock and almost caused more than a few > > accidents. It got to the point where I would immediately pull over to > > the side of the road and make him walk home no matter where we were or > > what time of day it was. I felt like a real bitch doing this but  he > > didn’t really give me any alternative. > > It’s actually kind of funny looking at it now > > He was also very manipulative. Not long after I had told him that I > > felt we would both be happier away from each other. He turned up on my > > doorstep one day looking utterly miserable, he’s one of those people > > who do the "sad-eyed dog" look fairly well, but not convincingly. I > > felt sorry for him when I saw him like that and so we stood at the > door > > talking for a while. Then he started crying and put his hands over his > > face. At first I believed that he was really crying, but when he > > seperated his fingers and pulled his head up to see if I was watching > > and then put his head down and put some extra effort into the "crying" > > I didn’t know whether I wanted to laugh at him or slam the door in his > > face more. I still feel angry when I think about this incident. > Yikes. I’m not sure if I’m the only one who thinks this (anyone else > reading the thread want to back me up?), but what you describe above > (both with the honking the horn, and the fake crying) sounds like > genuine Jerk ™ behaviour. I think a lot of people would find that > stuff intolerable, not just you.

Ditto! I wouldnt have stopped to make them get out and walk tho. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > You’re possibly right in saying that I might be more tolerant of the > > right person’s faults. Maybe… I’ve become a little more tolerant of > > my parent’s faults. I either tolerate them, I ignore them or I walk > > away > What is it about your parents’ that bug you? (When I lived with my > parents I felt sometimes like I was living in the Simpson household. > Somewhat of an exaggeration… my dad wasn’t quite as bad as Homer > Simpson … and no sibblings either). > > What about you doesn’t your ex understand? Do you think you could have > > done more to enable her to understand and know you better? Are you > > absolutely certain she was agreeing with you just for the sake of > doing > > so? I’ve been accused of doing this, even though I really did agree > > with what the other person was saying and wasnt aware of any feeling > of > > agreeing for the sake of agreeing. > While my ex and I had similar experiences growing up (both teased and > bullied a lot at school growing up, neither of us had a real > relationship before), I don’t know if she really understood what I went > through. Not that she didn’t understand what she went through, and what > she went through was similar … but she just didn’t understand *my* > perspective of what I went through. Does that make sense? The kind of > stuff I dealt with growing up left a mark on me, and it made me shy and > paranoid. Paranoid that when I initially meet people that they hate me, > and that they’d rather I wasn’t around. When I started a new job when > we were going out, I would tell her that I was afraid I was going to be > fired because my boss hated me. I explained to her why I thought this, > and she would always try to reassure me, but it felt like empty > reassurance. She tried, and it pained me that I couldn’t find any more > comfort in what she was trying to do, but it almost seemed like she was > only going through the motions. That there was no real connection > there. > I remember one time we were in a store, and one of her friends was > there as well, and I was relating some funny incident to her. You know, > nothing serious. Just a story I had remembered because of something we > saw/said had triggered it. And in the middle of me telling her this she > turned and started talking to her friend. I hadn’t even finished > talking. I stopped in mid-sentence because there was no point of me > going on. I was thinking: what the hell? Don’t you even care what I’m > saying? I confronted her afterwards about this and judging from her > response, she didn’t even realize she had done that. She made some > flimsy excuse that she just gets that way when she’s with a friend. > And that’s just one example. In other conversations, both personal, and > about life/religion in general, I never sensed that we understood each > other. Actually, our religious beliefs were a major obstactle. She was > Christian (practicing), and I’m an Atheist. That didn’t exactly mix. > I don’t know what more I could have done to try to establish > a "connection" to be honest. > Anyways, > Take care, > guby. > > In article <90hfm2$h…@nnrp1.deja.com>, > >   g…@my-deja.com wrote: > > > In article <90h9k8$rf…@nnrp1.deja.com>, > > >   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: > > > > I know, I know. I sometimes just get this feeling that I’m meant > to > > be > > > > alone, that I couldn’t possibly do anyone silly enough to be in a > > > > relationship with me anygood (I’m cringing even as I type this) > I’m > > > not > > > > sure that I can even feel anything akin to love for anyone. I > liked > > my > > > > ex, I enjoyed his company for a while but I sometimes feel that > > > > relationships and I don’t mix. Maybe it’s just that old cliche of > > not > > > > having found the right person, or maybe I’m not as tolerant of > > others > > > > as I think I am and want to be. I was certainly very intolerant of > > my > > > > ex’s faults. > > > You said you enjoyed your ex’s company for a while. Wouldn’t you say > > at > > > that time you felt something akin to love? As for being intolerant > of > > > your ex’s faults… what were they? Who knows, maybe it would be > hard > > > for a lot of people to be tolerant of such faults. > > > I think one of the big things for me in my relationship was that I > > > didn’t feel like my ex understood me. I mean, if I told her > something, > > > she would always try to empathize, and in certain respects we had > > > similar experiences in our past, but … I don’t know … I just > never > > > felt like she understood me. That one thing made me not try as hard > as > > > I might’ve in a relationship with someone who I felt was more of a > > > kindred spirit. > > > So maybe if you met the right person you might make more of an > effort > > > about being tolerant of their faults (which *everyone* has) … I > > > dunno. I’m just throwing out ideas, some that might be nothing more > > > than hot air. > > > I hope you find what you’re looking for, though. And I hope you > won’t > > > let bitter past experiences dictate what you think should be your > > > future. That’s too easy of a rutt to fall into — been there, done > > > that. > > > Take care, > > > guby. > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > Before you buy.

Response:

In article <90mopg$ad…@nnrp1.deja.com>,   g…@my-deja.com wrote: > In article <90juqk$11…@nnrp1.deja.com>, >   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: > > I thought I was for a while there, but I’m not so sure now it was. > Hindsight is evil. Never pay any attention to it. Really.

I dunno. It’s not bad if you can learn from your mistakes, not that many human beans are any good at that – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > The one thing that bugged me more than anything else about my ex was > > his childishness. He made a point of finding things that annoyed me > and > > went out of his way to do them, he actually admitted to doing this > > after we split up without any prompting from me. One perfect expample > > of this is when we were driving somewhere, me driving him in the > > passenger seat, he would reach over and hit the horn. My peripheral > > vision isn’t the best and so having the horn suddenly blaring without > > any warning really gave me a shock and almost caused more than a few > > accidents. It got to the point where I would immediately pull over to > > the side of the road and make him walk home no matter where we were or > > what time of day it was. I felt like a real bitch doing this but  he > > didn’t really give me any alternative. > > It’s actually kind of funny looking at it now > > He was also very manipulative. Not long after I had told him that I > > felt we would both be happier away from each other. He turned up on my > > doorstep one day looking utterly miserable, he’s one of those people > > who do the "sad-eyed dog" look fairly well, but not convincingly. I > > felt sorry for him when I saw him like that and so we stood at the > door > > talking for a while. Then he started crying and put his hands over his > > face. At first I believed that he was really crying, but when he > > seperated his fingers and pulled his head up to see if I was watching > > and then put his head down and put some extra effort into the "crying" > > I didn’t know whether I wanted to laugh at him or slam the door in his > > face more. I still feel angry when I think about this incident. > Yikes. I’m not sure if I’m the only one who thinks this (anyone else > reading the thread want to back me up?), but what you describe above > (both with the honking the horn, and the fake crying) sounds like > genuine Jerk ™ behaviour. I think a lot of people would find that > stuff intolerable, not just you.

That’s a relief. I often felt like I was bitch of the century trying to deal with this stuff and then ending the relationship. > > You’re possibly right in saying that I might be more tolerant of the > > right person’s faults. Maybe… I’ve become a little more tolerant of > > my parent’s faults. I either tolerate them, I ignore them or I walk > > away > What is it about your parents’ that bug you? (When I lived with my > parents I felt sometimes like I was living in the Simpson household. > Somewhat of an exaggeration… my dad wasn’t quite as bad as Homer > Simpson … and no sibblings either).

LOL where to start?! My mother belches in public and laughs about it, she smokes around me even though she knows it aggravates a cough I’ve had since I had pneumonia 4 years ago, she’s ALWAYS arguing with SOMEONE in her family, she’s ALWAYS bitching about someone, she points out faults in everyone else and insists that they change their ways not realising or admitting that she has a lot of those same faults herself (ie calling her boyfriend an alchoholic, which she also is, and insisting that he cut down his drinking) using the threat of committing suicide to get her own way etc etc etc My father is VERY critical, he’s told me on more than one occasion that I’m a disappointment to him, I can’t remember the last time either of them said that they loved me or hugged me unless they had an ulterior motive (it’s a relief to see that he hugs and encourages my half brother and sister), he’s criticised me for complaining or procastinating when he’s asked me to do things for him and yet I NEVER did until recently, he procrastinates or manages to talk his way out of doing things for me, he and my stepmother often talk down to me unless they want something from me, they organise for my little brother and sister to go and play with friends when I’ve made prior arrangements to take them to the zoo or elsewhere, they often invite my older brother to go camping with them etc but exclude me etc etc etc I could go on (and on and on) but I think I’ll leave it there – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > What about you doesn’t your ex understand? Do you think you could have > > done more to enable her to understand and know you better? Are you > > absolutely certain she was agreeing with you just for the sake of > doing > > so? I’ve been accused of doing this, even though I really did agree > > with what the other person was saying and wasnt aware of any feeling > of > > agreeing for the sake of agreeing. > While my ex and I had similar experiences growing up (both teased and > bullied a lot at school growing up, neither of us had a real > relationship before), I don’t know if she really understood what I went > through. Not that she didn’t understand what she went through, and what > she went through was similar … but she just didn’t understand *my* > perspective of what I went through. Does that make sense? The kind of > stuff I dealt with growing up left a mark on me, and it made me shy and > paranoid. Paranoid that when I initially meet people that they hate me, > and that they’d rather I wasn’t around. When I started a new job when > we were going out, I would tell her that I was afraid I was going to be > fired because my boss hated me. I explained to her why I thought this, > and she would always try to reassure me, but it felt like empty > reassurance. She tried, and it pained me that I couldn’t find any more > comfort in what she was trying to do, but it almost seemed like she was > only going through the motions. That there was no real connection > there. > I remember one time we were in a store, and one of her friends was > there as well, and I was relating some funny incident to her. You know, > nothing serious. Just a story I had remembered because of something we > saw/said had triggered it. And in the middle of me telling her this she > turned and started talking to her friend. I hadn’t even finished > talking. I stopped in mid-sentence because there was no point of me > going on. I was thinking: what the hell? Don’t you even care what I’m > saying? I confronted her afterwards about this and judging from her > response, she didn’t even realize she had done that. She made some > flimsy excuse that she just gets that way when she’s with a friend. > And that’s just one example. In other conversations, both personal, and > about life/religion in general, I never sensed that we understood each > other. Actually, our religious beliefs were a major obstactle. She was > Christian (practicing), and I’m an Atheist. That didn’t exactly mix.

Ouch that’s painful stuff. I can relate to heaps of that, especially being bullied at school and it effecting present relationships. Did your girlfriend apologise at all for any of the stuff you described or did she just offer you the pitiful excuse? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I don’t know what more I could have done to try to establish > a "connection" to be honest. > Anyways, > Take care, > guby. > > In article <90hfm2$h…@nnrp1.deja.com>, > >   g…@my-deja.com wrote: > > > In article <90h9k8$rf…@nnrp1.deja.com>, > > >   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: > > > > I know, I know. I sometimes just get this feeling that I’m meant > to > > be > > > > alone, that I couldn’t possibly do anyone silly enough to be in a > > > > relationship with me anygood (I’m cringing even as I type this) > I’m > > > not > > > > sure that I can even feel anything akin to love for anyone. I > liked > > my > > > > ex, I enjoyed his company for a while but I sometimes feel that > > > > relationships and I don’t mix. Maybe it’s just that old cliche of > > not > > > > having found the right person, or maybe I’m not as tolerant of > > others > > > > as I think I am and want to be. I was certainly very intolerant of > > my > > > > ex’s faults. > > > You said you enjoyed your ex’s company for a while. Wouldn’t you say > > at > > > that time you felt something akin to love? As for being intolerant > of > > > your ex’s faults… what were they? Who knows, maybe it would be > hard > > > for a lot of people to be tolerant of such faults. > > > I think one of the big things for me in my relationship was that I > > > didn’t feel like my ex understood me. I mean, if I told her > something, > > > she would always try to empathize, and in certain respects we had > > > similar experiences in our past, but … I don’t know … I just > never > > > felt like she understood me. That one thing made me not try as hard > as > > > I might’ve in a relationship with someone who I felt was more of a > > > kindred spirit. > > > So maybe if you met the right person you might make more of an > effort > > > about being tolerant of their faults (which *everyone* has) … I > > > dunno. I’m just throwing out ideas, some that might be nothing more > > > than hot air. > > > I hope you find what you’re looking for, though. And I hope you > won’t > > > let bitter past experiences dictate what you think should be your > > > future. That’s too easy of a rutt to fall into — been there, done > > > that. > > > Take care, > > > guby. > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > Before you buy.

– The missing and not to be taken seriously under any circumstances garden gnome. ~~fairies are able to fly because they take themselves lightly~ Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

In article <90juqk$11…@nnrp1.deja.com>,   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: > I thought I was for a while there, but I’m not so sure now it was.

Hindsight is evil. Never pay any attention to it. Really. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> The one thing that bugged me more than anything else about my ex was > his childishness. He made a point of finding things that annoyed me and > went out of his way to do them, he actually admitted to doing this > after we split up without any prompting from me. One perfect expample > of this is when we were driving somewhere, me driving him in the > passenger seat, he would reach over and hit the horn. My peripheral > vision isn’t the best and so having the horn suddenly blaring without > any warning really gave me a shock and almost caused more than a few > accidents. It got to the point where I would immediately pull over to > the side of the road and make him walk home no matter where we were or > what time of day it was. I felt like a real bitch doing this but  he > didn’t really give me any alternative. > It’s actually kind of funny looking at it now > He was also very manipulative. Not long after I had told him that I > felt we would both be happier away from each other. He turned up on my > doorstep one day looking utterly miserable, he’s one of those people > who do the "sad-eyed dog" look fairly well, but not convincingly. I > felt sorry for him when I saw him like that and so we stood at the door > talking for a while. Then he started crying and put his hands over his > face. At first I believed that he was really crying, but when he > seperated his fingers and pulled his head up to see if I was watching > and then put his head down and put some extra effort into the "crying" > I didn’t know whether I wanted to laugh at him or slam the door in his > face more. I still feel angry when I think about this incident.

Yikes. I’m not sure if I’m the only one who thinks this (anyone else reading the thread want to back me up?), but what you describe above (both with the honking the horn, and the fake crying) sounds like genuine Jerk ™ behaviour. I think a lot of people would find that stuff intolerable, not just you. > You’re possibly right in saying that I might be more tolerant of the > right person’s faults. Maybe… I’ve become a little more tolerant of > my parent’s faults. I either tolerate them, I ignore them or I walk > away

What is it about your parents’ that bug you? (When I lived with my parents I felt sometimes like I was living in the Simpson household. Somewhat of an exaggeration… my dad wasn’t quite as bad as Homer Simpson … and no sibblings either). > What about you doesn’t your ex understand? Do you think you could have > done more to enable her to understand and know you better? Are you > absolutely certain she was agreeing with you just for the sake of doing > so? I’ve been accused of doing this, even though I really did agree > with what the other person was saying and wasnt aware of any feeling of > agreeing for the sake of agreeing.

While my ex and I had similar experiences growing up (both teased and bullied a lot at school growing up, neither of us had a real relationship before), I don’t know if she really understood what I went through. Not that she didn’t understand what she went through, and what she went through was similar … but she just didn’t understand *my* perspective of what I went through. Does that make sense? The kind of stuff I dealt with growing up left a mark on me, and it made me shy and paranoid. Paranoid that when I initially meet people that they hate me, and that they’d rather I wasn’t around. When I started a new job when we were going out, I would tell her that I was afraid I was going to be fired because my boss hated me. I explained to her why I thought this, and she would always try to reassure me, but it felt like empty reassurance. She tried, and it pained me that I couldn’t find any more comfort in what she was trying to do, but it almost seemed like she was only going through the motions. That there was no real connection there. I remember one time we were in a store, and one of her friends was there as well, and I was relating some funny incident to her. You know, nothing serious. Just a story I had remembered because of something we saw/said had triggered it. And in the middle of me telling her this she turned and started talking to her friend. I hadn’t even finished talking. I stopped in mid-sentence because there was no point of me going on. I was thinking: what the hell? Don’t you even care what I’m saying? I confronted her afterwards about this and judging from her response, she didn’t even realize she had done that. She made some flimsy excuse that she just gets that way when she’s with a friend. And that’s just one example. In other conversations, both personal, and about life/religion in general, I never sensed that we understood each other. Actually, our religious beliefs were a major obstactle. She was Christian (practicing), and I’m an Atheist. That didn’t exactly mix. I don’t know what more I could have done to try to establish a "connection" to be honest. Anyways, Take care, guby. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> In article <90hfm2$h…@nnrp1.deja.com>, >   g…@my-deja.com wrote: > > In article <90h9k8$rf…@nnrp1.deja.com>, > >   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: > > > I know, I know. I sometimes just get this feeling that I’m meant to > be > > > alone, that I couldn’t possibly do anyone silly enough to be in a > > > relationship with me anygood (I’m cringing even as I type this) I’m > > not > > > sure that I can even feel anything akin to love for anyone. I liked > my > > > ex, I enjoyed his company for a while but I sometimes feel that > > > relationships and I don’t mix. Maybe it’s just that old cliche of > not > > > having found the right person, or maybe I’m not as tolerant of > others > > > as I think I am and want to be. I was certainly very intolerant of > my > > > ex’s faults. > > You said you enjoyed your ex’s company for a while. Wouldn’t you say > at > > that time you felt something akin to love? As for being intolerant of > > your ex’s faults… what were they? Who knows, maybe it would be hard > > for a lot of people to be tolerant of such faults. > > I think one of the big things for me in my relationship was that I > > didn’t feel like my ex understood me. I mean, if I told her something, > > she would always try to empathize, and in certain respects we had > > similar experiences in our past, but … I don’t know … I just never > > felt like she understood me. That one thing made me not try as hard as > > I might’ve in a relationship with someone who I felt was more of a > > kindred spirit. > > So maybe if you met the right person you might make more of an effort > > about being tolerant of their faults (which *everyone* has) … I > > dunno. I’m just throwing out ideas, some that might be nothing more > > than hot air. > > I hope you find what you’re looking for, though. And I hope you won’t > > let bitter past experiences dictate what you think should be your > > future. That’s too easy of a rutt to fall into — been there, done > > that. > > Take care, > > guby.

Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

I thought I was for a while there, but I’m not so sure now it was. The one thing that bugged me more than anything else about my ex was his childishness. He made a point of finding things that annoyed me and went out of his way to do them, he actually admitted to doing this after we split up without any prompting from me. One perfect expample of this is when we were driving somewhere, me driving him in the passenger seat, he would reach over and hit the horn. My peripheral vision isn’t the best and so having the horn suddenly blaring without any warning really gave me a shock and almost caused more than a few accidents. It got to the point where I would immediately pull over to the side of the road and make him walk home no matter where we were or what time of day it was. I felt like a real bitch doing this but  he didn’t really give me any alternative. It’s actually kind of funny looking at it now He was also very manipulative. Not long after I had told him that I felt we would both be happier away from each other. He turned up on my doorstep one day looking utterly miserable, he’s one of those people who do the "sad-eyed dog" look fairly well, but not convincingly. I felt sorry for him when I saw him like that and so we stood at the door talking for a while. Then he started crying and put his hands over his face. At first I believed that he was really crying, but when he seperated his fingers and pulled his head up to see if I was watching and then put his head down and put some extra effort into the "crying" I didn’t know whether I wanted to laugh at him or slam the door in his face more. I still feel angry when I think about this incident. You’re possibly right in saying that I might be more tolerant of the right person’s faults. Maybe… I’ve become a little more tolerant of my parent’s faults. I either tolerate them, I ignore them or I walk away What about you doesn’t your ex understand? Do you think you could have done more to enable her to understand and know you better? Are you absolutely certain she was agreeing with you just for the sake of doing so? I’ve been accused of doing this, even though I really did agree with what the other person was saying and wasnt aware of any feeling of agreeing for the sake of agreeing. In article <90hfm2$h…@nnrp1.deja.com>, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -  g…@my-deja.com wrote: > In article <90h9k8$rf…@nnrp1.deja.com>, >   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: > > I know, I know. I sometimes just get this feeling that I’m meant to be > > alone, that I couldn’t possibly do anyone silly enough to be in a > > relationship with me anygood (I’m cringing even as I type this) I’m > not > > sure that I can even feel anything akin to love for anyone. I liked my > > ex, I enjoyed his company for a while but I sometimes feel that > > relationships and I don’t mix. Maybe it’s just that old cliche of not > > having found the right person, or maybe I’m not as tolerant of others > > as I think I am and want to be. I was certainly very intolerant of my > > ex’s faults. > You said you enjoyed your ex’s company for a while. Wouldn’t you say at > that time you felt something akin to love? As for being intolerant of > your ex’s faults… what were they? Who knows, maybe it would be hard > for a lot of people to be tolerant of such faults. > I think one of the big things for me in my relationship was that I > didn’t feel like my ex understood me. I mean, if I told her something, > she would always try to empathize, and in certain respects we had > similar experiences in our past, but … I don’t know … I just never > felt like she understood me. That one thing made me not try as hard as > I might’ve in a relationship with someone who I felt was more of a > kindred spirit. > So maybe if you met the right person you might make more of an effort > about being tolerant of their faults (which *everyone* has) … I > dunno. I’m just throwing out ideas, some that might be nothing more > than hot air. > I hope you find what you’re looking for, though. And I hope you won’t > let bitter past experiences dictate what you think should be your > future. That’s too easy of a rutt to fall into — been there, done > that. > Take care, > guby. > > In article <90g89t$tl…@nnrp1.deja.com>, > >   g…@my-deja.com wrote: > > > In article <3a2b693c.593…@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>, > > >   nospamwil…@2000cn.com.au (Willow2000) wrote: > > > > I’m not so sure I agree with that either. Have you heard those > > stories > > > > of couples who couldn’t stand each other for maybe a year after > they > > > > met. They would have laughed at anyone who suggested that they > might > > > > be in a relationship together at some point. And yet these often > > seem > > > > to be the strongest relationships. There do also seem to be some > > > > arranged marriages that work out in a similar way, despite all the > > bad > > > > publicity that they get. > > > This almost seems like a counterargument for you having broken up > with > > > your boyfriend. Below you say you can’t stand him. > > > > Do you feel horrible at all knowing that you were in the > > relationship > > > > with your ex? > > > No. In fact, I’m trying to remain in touch as friends with her > (which > > > was her suggestion when we initially broke up), but now she says > > > I had hurt her too much for her to be friends with me and that she > > > needs/needed time to heel. She was saying this 9 months after we > broke > > > up. > > > > I sometimes see my ex around where I live and always > > > > feel really guilty because although I knew it wasn’t working and > we > > > > were both pretty miserable, he still kept insisting that > everything > > > > was ok despite the arguments and misunderstandings and general > > feeling > > > > that things were going nowhere. It was getting to the point where > I > > > > couldn’t stand to be anywhere near him (I still feel horrible at > the > > > > sight of him), felt the need to change him (I get frustrated when > > > > others base a relationship on the assumption that they can change > > > > their partner) and couldn’t make him see that it was important for > > me > > > > to spend some time alone rather than being with him 24hrs a day. > > > > That’s obviously an exageration, but it was almost as bad as that. > > > > Just the fact that I felt and feel that I have to justify my > actions > > > > in ending the relationship… I don’t think I’ll bother with > > > > relationships anymore, I think I’ll just find a house that allows > me > > > > to have a dog > > > I don’t think I’ve quite reached that level of thinking yet. > > > I think different relationships affect different people in different > > > ways. When I broke up with my girlfriend, I was really sad (ie: > > crying) > > > for about 2 days (yes, even myself being the one who initiated the > > > breakup). I was kind of melancholy for a week or two after that. And > > > after that I was back to normal. All the time I realized, though, > that > > > what happened was for the best. I learned *a lot* from the > > > relationship — not just about my girlfriend, or about being in a > > > relationship, but about myself. What I wanted and what I didn’t > want. > > > Why I had wanted a relationship in the first place (I was > approaching > > > my mid twenties without having ever had one). What doesn’t kill me, > > > just makes me stronger. (Now, I just have to learn to think like > that > > > when I get really down on myself and I’m not in such a good mood as > I > > > am now. > > > I think taking the point of view that you describe below (in your > > > previous message) about having gained something from the > relationship, > > > even if it didn’t work out, is good. Do you really want to resign > > > yourself to "getting a house so that you can buy a dog"? There’s 8 > > > billion people on this planet. The chances are you’re compatible > (even > > > if they’re not your soulmate) with at least a few of them. > > > And that’s my 2 cents — and like you commented about yours, that’s > > > about all it’s worth, too! > > > > On Mon, 04 Dec 2000 01:23:31 GMT, g…@my-deja.com wrote: > > > > >In article <3a29330e.358…@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>, > > > > >  nospamwil…@2000cn.com.au (Willow2000) wrote: > > > > >> I think it’s wrong for people to hold off on happiness, on > > > > >> relationships, in the hope of finding a soulmate. I personally > > > don’t > > > > >> think there’s any such thing, but that may be because I have no > > > > >> experience with the phenomenon either personally or with > people I > > > know > > > > >> in their relationships. > > > > >I’m not suggesting people should hold off on happiness to achieve > > > some > > > > >eternal bliss that might come with having a soulmate, which may > or > > > > >may not exist. However, what I am wondering is if people rush > into > > > > >relationships too fast not because they are with someone who will > > > > >make them happy, but because they are with someone. Period. And > the > > > > >fact that they are with *someone*, regardless of who, makes > people > > > think > > > > >they will be happy. It’s the idea of happiness that a person has > > > > >pursued in this case, not the person him/herself. > > > > >> Although my one and only relationship to-date was with a person > > who > > > > >> although I enjoyed his company and who treated me well enough, > we > > > > >> weren’t really all that compatible, we had more differences > than > > we > > > > >> had similarities, I still feel it was important for me to have > > the > > > > >> experience as it’s helped me a little with my lack of self- > > > confidence. > > > > >> I’ve still got a LONG way to go, but I no longer feel that I am > > > > >> totally unworthy of love or even appreciation. The ignorance > and > > > > >> carelessness in the way that

… read more »

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<g…@my-deja.com> wrote in message news:90he19$v3l$1@nnrp1.deja.com… > In article <rDmW5.1$al3….@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>, >   "yp" <shane@/nospam/2000cn.com.au> wrote: > > No i dont think that there is such a thing as a soulmate nor do i > believe in > > love at first site. Love is one of those things that is i think > totally > > confussed > > in these times. With the hollywood "Perfect Relationships" that we are > > bombarded with day after day it is understandable why people judge > > themselves harshly. How can we live up to the perfect relationship > that > > is portrayed on the big screen? We are human, and to err is human. > Certainly there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. But then how > do we know, what criteria do we use, to distinguish our imperfect > relationships from one’s that are good and one’s that are bad? I’m not > looking for any hard and fast rules, but, I mean… how can a person > know? Obviously an abusive relationship (either physical or emotional) > would be an example of one’s that’s bad. But what about the joe-average > relationships. Is this the person you want to wake up beside for the > rest of your life? How can you tell? Is it just a gut instinct that > tells you that this is the "one"? Then isn’t that gut instinct > something that I tried describing as akin to what one would feel with a > soulmate (at least my definition)?

I would say that there are lot of people that would love to know the answers to the questions you raise. How do we know if that someone is the one we want to wake up next to for the rest of our lives? I guess in a way finding that person is possibly like finding your soulmate in a broad sense. Maybe the meaning of the word has been lost over time and the new interpretation is way off the mark. You make a good point… > Don’t mind me, just thinking aloud … .

You may be thinking aloud but you make some good points. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >  I have only been in one serious relationship in my 32 > > years on this earth and that was not meant to be. We were not in love > > but rather in lust with each other. Needless to say that relationship > went > > nowhere. I have since then only had feelings for one other and they > seem > > to get stronger each time we communicate. I dont know why this is the > case > > as when I made my feelings known to her about a year ago she wasnt > > interested and I accept that. I went through a tough period after > that and > > slowly regained my self composure. Im pleased that we are still > friends yet > > I wonder why it is that I feel even stronger feelings for her now > than ever > > before. > > I am coping with the feelings well enough, yet after I catch up with > her im > > like > > on a high for hours and then I come sinking back down to reality with > the > > knowledge that she is not interested in me in that way. Have I picked > up a > > sign or is this my mind/heart/self conscious playing tricks on me. I > dont > > know > > the answer to this or most of lifes other questions yet i do know > that id > > rather > > feel this way and have a good friend than feel like I did in my one > serious > > relationship. > That’s definitely rough. But the attitude you have is the right one. > Did you ask her why she didn’t feel the same way about you? (There > could be a tonne of reasons … some of which may give you reason to > hold out hope that she could change her mind).

Yes at the time she was interested in somebody else and she also felt that we didnt have anything in common. I think thats how she put it. Its a while ago now but im pleased that we have remained friends and im sure that we are better friends now than we were before. Im also certain that she would let me know somehow if she wanted to take things further than a friendship. However until then or even if it never happens, I will remain a loyal friend who will do almost anything possible for her. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >  I guess what im saying is that there is something I think inside us > > all that grows the feelings of love/trust/friendship when we meet the > right > > one for > > us. We just have to get to know them first and not allow the opinions > of > > others, > > especially Hollywood, get in our way. My grandfather told me that he > chased > > my grandmother for almost three years before she consented to his > > persistence > > and went out with him on a date. They remained happily married for > over 50 > > years > > before my grandmother passed away. I guess there is something in that > for us > > all > > and I know that I feel better knowing it. > That sounds like an encouraging story. My parents tell me that the > culture they grew up in (Eastern European) in relationships it was > actually the norm for a girl to say no the first 10 times a guy asked > her out, even if she was interested…. go figure.

A very lost trait in many now days. Sometime I wonder if we would not be better reverting to the values of times gone by. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Anyways, best of luck. > guby. > > Anyway thats enuf ramble from me for now. > > <g…@my-deja.com> wrote in message news:90b3mm$9d2 > $…@nnrp1.deja.com… > > > Here’s a question for everyone: Do you think soulmates exist? > > > I look at the statistics of how many marriages end up in divorce — > > > what is it, like 1 in 2? — and think: did these people who end up > > > divorced believe at one point they had found their soulmate, or did > > > they have nagging doubts at the back of their mind whether they > should > > > get married? Did they end up getting married anyways because of > > > fear of loneliness, because of societal pressure, or just the belief > > > that the nagging feeling would go away once they were married? > > > It’s been almost a year since I broke up with my girlfriend (first > and > > > only girlfriend I’ve ever really had). We were together for a little > > > over a year, and what scares me, is that I think had I pretended > > > things were okay and didn’t start distancing myself from her the > > > more I doubted the relationship, I’m quite sure if I asked her to > > > marry me, she would have said yes. But I didn’t want to end up in > > > a marriage that wasn’t with someone who was my soulmate. (BTW, I > > > should probably point out I’m in my mid twenties). > > > Let me back up a second and define what I mean by soulmate. Despite > > > the use of the word ’soul’, I’m not trying to bring any religious > > > definition of love in. Nor am I trying to refer to a soul as some > > > separate entity of yourself which will continue after your death. > You > > > see, I’m somewhat of an agnostic/atheist. My use of the word > > > "soul"mate is intended to refer to someone who, while they may not > > > be completely identical to you, is able to understand you at a level > > > that few other people, if any, can. It’s someone with whom you will > > > always have something to talk about, and even when your not talking > > > about something, just being in the same room with them makes you > feel > > > different … makes you feel like things are more right. I’m not > > > trying to define romantic love either. No Romeo and Juliet love at > > > first sight here. The feeling of "rightness" I’m trying to get at > > > is not "excitement", which is what is felt in "Romantic" romeo- > juliet > > > type love. Not that there wouldn’t be any excitement in the > relationship > > > but just that it doesn’t DEFINE it. > > > I know the above definition is very vague. I’ve never experienced it > > > myself, so I’m only speculating in very abstract terms what it could > > > be like. > > > Does something like that exist? Nothing in this world is perfect, > > > but to allude to Plato, he believed that there were perfect Forms > > > in existence that humans could only see imperfect examples of. > > > (And just because I’m alluding to Plato doesn’t mean I’m trying to > > > bring his whacked defintion of Love into the picture). Anyways, > > > so maybe there’s imperfect relationships out there which resemble > > > very closely the ideal of a relationship with a soulmate. Imperfect > > > doesn’t mean "bad", but just "realistic". > > > Do you think that exists? > > > Like I said above, I’ve only been in one real relationship with > > > someone, and I know for a fact they weren’t my soulmate. Despite > > > the fact that she was my first girlfriend, and before that I had > > > been terrified I would never meet anyone, I decided to end the > > > relationship. Now I’m alone again, and I’m falling into the same > > > rutt as I was in before, believing that I’m a lonely sob who won’t > > > meet anyone. But even if I do meet someone, now I have the added > > > … experience, for lack of a better word … to make me question > > > whether it is the right person. Before I just wanted to affirm my > > > self worth by being in a relationship. Now I’m lonely, and I’m > looking > > > for more than just to remove that loneliness. I’m looking for a > > > soulmate. Does anyone else here know what I mean? > > > I’m sure what I’m looking for is very very difficult to find. What > > > makes it harder is not knowing if it even exists. I guess that’s > > > why some people refer to it as the search for the holy grail. Harlan > > > Ellison had a story about a man who spent his whole life searching > > > for love, called "Grail". > > > Anyways, just wanted to let my thoughts out on the subject. > > > guby > > > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > > > Before you buy. > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > Before you buy.

Response:

In article <90h9k8$rf…@nnrp1.deja.com>,   willow2000 <willow2…@my-deja.com> wrote: > I know, I know. I sometimes just get this feeling that I’m meant to be > alone, that I couldn’t possibly do anyone silly enough to be in a > relationship with me anygood (I’m cringing even as I type this) I’m not > sure that I can even feel anything akin to love for anyone. I liked my > ex, I enjoyed his company for a while but I sometimes feel that > relationships and I don’t mix. Maybe it’s just that old cliche of not > having found the right person, or maybe I’m not as tolerant of others > as I think I am and want to be. I was certainly very intolerant of my > ex’s faults.

You said you enjoyed your ex’s company for a while. Wouldn’t you say at that time you felt something akin to love? As for being intolerant of your ex’s faults… what were they? Who knows, maybe it would be hard for a lot of people to be tolerant of such faults. I think one of the big things for me in my relationship was that I didn’t feel like my ex understood me. I mean, if I told her something, she would always try to empathize, and in certain respects we had similar experiences in our past, but … I don’t know … I just never felt like she understood me. That one thing made me not try as hard as I might’ve in a relationship with someone who I felt was more of a kindred spirit. So maybe if you met the right person you might make more of an effort about being tolerant of their faults (which *everyone* has) … I dunno. I’m just throwing out ideas, some that might be nothing more than hot air. I hope you find what you’re looking for, though. And I hope you won’t let bitter past experiences dictate what you think should be your future. That’s too easy of a rutt to fall into — been there, done that. Take care, guby. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> In article <90g89t$tl…@nnrp1.deja.com>, >   g…@my-deja.com wrote: > > In article <3a2b693c.593…@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>, > >   nospamwil…@2000cn.com.au (Willow2000) wrote: > > > I’m not so sure I agree with that either. Have you heard those > stories > > > of couples who couldn’t stand each other for maybe a year after they > > > met. They would have laughed at anyone who suggested that they might > > > be in a relationship together at some point. And yet these often > seem > > > to be the strongest relationships. There do also seem to be some > > > arranged marriages that work out in a similar way, despite all the > bad > > > publicity that they get. > > This almost seems like a counterargument for you having broken up with > > your boyfriend. Below you say you can’t stand him. > > > Do you feel horrible at all knowing that you were in the > relationship > > > with your ex? > > No. In fact, I’m trying to remain in touch as friends with her (which > > was her suggestion when we initially broke up), but now she says > > I had hurt her too much for her to be friends with me and that she > > needs/needed time to heel. She was saying this 9 months after we broke > > up. > > > I sometimes see my ex around where I live and always > > > feel really guilty because although I knew it wasn’t working and we > > > were both pretty miserable, he still kept insisting that everything > > > was ok despite the arguments and misunderstandings and general > feeling > > > that things were going nowhere. It was getting to the point where I > > > couldn’t stand to be anywhere near him (I still feel horrible at the > > > sight of him), felt the need to change him (I get frustrated when > > > others base a relationship on the assumption that they can change > > > their partner) and couldn’t make him see that it was important for > me > > > to spend some time alone rather than being with him 24hrs a day. > > > That’s obviously an exageration, but it was almost as bad as that. > > > Just the fact that I felt and feel that I have to justify my actions > > > in ending the relationship… I don’t think I’ll bother with > > > relationships anymore, I think I’ll just find a house that allows me > > > to have a dog > > I don’t think I’ve quite reached that level of thinking yet. > > I think different relationships affect different people in different > > ways. When I broke up with my girlfriend, I was really sad (ie: > crying) > > for about 2 days (yes, even myself being the one who initiated the > > breakup). I was kind of melancholy for a week or two after that. And > > after that I was back to normal. All the time I realized, though, that > > what happened was for the best. I learned *a lot* from the > > relationship — not just about my girlfriend, or about being in a > > relationship, but about myself. What I wanted and what I didn’t want. > > Why I had wanted a relationship in the first place (I was approaching > > my mid twenties without having ever had one). What doesn’t kill me, > > just makes me stronger. (Now, I just have to learn to think like that > > when I get really down on myself and I’m not in such a good mood as I > > am now. > > I think taking the point of view that you describe below (in your > > previous message) about having gained something from the relationship, > > even if it didn’t work out, is good. Do you really want to resign > > yourself to "getting a house so that you can buy a dog"? There’s 8 > > billion people on this planet. The chances are you’re compatible (even > > if they’re not your soulmate) with at least a few of them. > > And that’s my 2 cents — and like you commented about yours, that’s > > about all it’s worth, too! > > > On Mon, 04 Dec 2000 01:23:31 GMT, g…@my-deja.com wrote: > > > >In article <3a29330e.358…@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>, > > > >  nospamwil…@2000cn.com.au (Willow2000) wrote: > > > >> I think it’s wrong for people to hold off on happiness, on > > > >> relationships, in the hope of finding a soulmate. I personally > > don’t > > > >> think there’s any such thing, but that may be because I have no > > > >> experience with the phenomenon either personally or with people I > > know > > > >> in their relationships. > > > >I’m not suggesting people should hold off on happiness to achieve > > some > > > >eternal bliss that might come with having a soulmate, which may or > > > >may not exist. However, what I am wondering is if people rush into > > > >relationships too fast not because they are with someone who will > > > >make them happy, but because they are with someone. Period. And the > > > >fact that they are with *someone*, regardless of who, makes people > > think > > > >they will be happy. It’s the idea of happiness that a person has > > > >pursued in this case, not the person him/herself. > > > >> Although my one and only relationship to-date was with a person > who > > > >> although I enjoyed his company and who treated me well enough, we > > > >> weren’t really all that compatible, we had more differences than > we > > > >> had similarities, I still feel it was important for me to have > the > > > >> experience as it’s helped me a little with my lack of self- > > confidence. > > > >> I’ve still got a LONG way to go, but I no longer feel that I am > > > >> totally unworthy of love or even appreciation. The ignorance and > > > >> carelessness in the way that I’m often treated by other people > > doesn’t > > > >> hurt me as much as it used to. I just hope that our relationship > > > >> helped my ex in someway too. It would be nice to think we both > > gained > > > >> something out of it. > > > >I had a similar experience as you. I was with someone for a while > > with > > > >whom I wasn’t very compatible. Although she was a very nice person > > and > > > >treated me well, we never had much to talk about and in the end we > > > >broke up. However, I do not regret the experience at all. She was > my > > > >first real girlfriend, and she helped me a lot towards making me > > realize > > > >that I may not be as much of a loser as I originally had thought I > > was. > > > >Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > > > >Before you buy. > > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > > Before you buy. > — > The missing and not to be taken seriously under any circumstances > garden gnome. > ~~fairies are able to fly because they take themselves lightly~ > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > Before you buy.

Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

In article <rDmW5.1$al3….@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>,   "yp" <shane@/nospam/2000cn.com.au> wrote: > No i dont think that there is such a thing as a soulmate nor do i believe in > love at first site. Love is one of those things that is i think totally > confussed > in these times. With the hollywood "Perfect Relationships" that we are > bombarded with day after day it is understandable why people judge > themselves harshly. How can we live up to the perfect relationship that > is portrayed on the big screen? We are human, and to err is human.

Certainly there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. But then how do we know, what criteria do we use, to distinguish our imperfect relationships from one’s that are good and one’s that are bad? I’m not looking for any hard and fast rules, but, I mean… how can a person know? Obviously an abusive relationship (either physical or emotional) would be an example of one’s that’s bad. But what about the joe-average relationships. Is this the person you want to wake up beside for the rest of your life? How can you tell? Is it just a gut instinct that tells you that this is the "one"? Then isn’t that gut instinct something that I tried describing as akin to what one would feel with a soulmate (at least my definition)? Don’t mind me, just thinking aloud … . – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->  I have only been in one serious relationship in my 32 > years on this earth and that was not meant to be. We were not in love > but rather in lust with each other. Needless to say that relationship went > nowhere. I have since then only had feelings for one other and they seem > to get stronger each time we communicate. I dont know why this is the case > as when I made my feelings known to her about a year ago she wasnt > interested and I accept that. I went through a tough period after that and > slowly regained my self composure. Im pleased that we are still friends yet > I wonder why it is that I feel even stronger feelings for her now than ever > before. > I am coping with the feelings well enough, yet after I catch up with her im > like > on a high for hours and then I come sinking back down to reality with the > knowledge that she is not interested in me in that way. Have I picked up a > sign or is this my mind/heart/self conscious playing tricks on me. I dont > know > the answer to this or most of lifes other questions yet i do know that id > rather > feel this way and have a good friend than feel like I did in my one serious > relationship.

That’s definitely rough. But the attitude you have is the right one. Did you ask her why she didn’t feel the same way about you? (There could be a tonne of reasons … some of which may give you reason to hold out hope that she could change her mind). – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->  I guess what im saying is that there is something I think inside us > all that grows the feelings of love/trust/friendship when we meet the right > one for > us. We just have to get to know them first and not allow the opinions of > others, > especially Hollywood, get in our way. My grandfather told me that he chased > my grandmother for almost three years before she consented to his > persistence > and went out with him on a date. They remained happily married for over 50 > years > before my grandmother passed away. I guess there is something in that for us > all > and I know that I feel better knowing it.

That sounds like an encouraging story. My parents tell me that the culture they grew up in (Eastern European) in relationships it was actually the norm for a girl to say no the first 10 times a guy asked her out, even if she was interested…. go figure. Anyways, best of luck. guby. > Anyway thats enuf ramble from me for now. > <g…@my-deja.com> wrote in message news:90b3mm$9d2

$…@nnrp1.deja.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > Here’s a question for everyone: Do you think soulmates exist? > > I look at the statistics of how many marriages end up in divorce — > > what is it, like 1 in 2? — and think: did these people who end up > > divorced believe at one point they had found their soulmate, or did > > they have nagging doubts at the back of their mind whether they should > > get married? Did they end up getting married anyways because of > > fear of loneliness, because of societal pressure, or just the belief > > that the nagging feeling would go away once they were married? > > It’s been almost a year since I broke up with my girlfriend (first and > > only girlfriend I’ve ever really had). We were together for a little > > over a year, and what scares me, is that I think had I pretended > > things were okay and didn’t start distancing myself from her the > > more I doubted the relationship, I’m quite sure if I asked her to > > marry me, she would have said yes. But I didn’t want to end up in > > a marriage that wasn’t with someone who was my soulmate. (BTW, I > > should probably point out I’m in my mid twenties). > > Let me back up a second and define what I mean by soulmate. Despite > > the use of the word ’soul’, I’m not trying to bring any religious > > definition of love in. Nor am I trying to refer to a soul as some > > separate entity of yourself which will continue after your death. You > > see, I’m somewhat of an agnostic/atheist. My use of the word > > "soul"mate is intended to refer to someone who, while they may not > > be completely identical to you, is able to understand you at a level > > that few other people, if any, can. It’s someone with whom you will > > always have something to talk about, and even when your not talking > > about something, just being in the same room with them makes you feel > > different … makes you feel like things are more right. I’m not > > trying to define romantic love either. No Romeo and Juliet love at > > first sight here. The feeling of "rightness" I’m trying to get at > > is not "excitement", which is what is felt in "Romantic" romeo- juliet > > type love. Not that there wouldn’t be any excitement in the relationship > > but just that it doesn’t DEFINE it. > > I know the above definition is very vague. I’ve never experienced it > > myself, so I’m only speculating in very abstract terms what it could > > be like. > > Does something like that exist? Nothing in this world is perfect, > > but to allude to Plato, he believed that there were perfect Forms > > in existence that humans could only see imperfect examples of. > > (And just because I’m alluding to Plato doesn’t mean I’m trying to > > bring his whacked defintion of Love into the picture). Anyways, > > so maybe there’s imperfect relationships out there which resemble > > very closely the ideal of a relationship with a soulmate. Imperfect > > doesn’t mean "bad", but just "realistic". > > Do you think that exists? > > Like I said above, I’ve only been in one real relationship with > > someone, and I know for a fact they weren’t my soulmate. Despite > > the fact that she was my first girlfriend, and before that I had > > been terrified I would never meet anyone, I decided to end the > > relationship. Now I’m alone again, and I’m falling into the same > > rutt as I was in before, believing that I’m a lonely sob who won’t > > meet anyone. But even if I do meet someone, now I have the added > > … experience, for lack of a better word … to make me question > > whether it is the right person. Before I just wanted to affirm my > > self worth by being in a relationship. Now I’m lonely, and I’m looking > > for more than just to remove that loneliness. I’m looking for a > > soulmate. Does anyone else here know what I mean? > > I’m sure what I’m looking for is very very difficult to find. What > > makes it harder is not knowing if it even exists. I guess that’s > > why some people refer to it as the search for the holy grail. Harlan > > Ellison had a story about a man who spent his whole life searching > > for love, called "Grail". > > Anyways, just wanted to let my thoughts out on the subject. > > guby > > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > > Before you buy.

Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

I know, I know. I sometimes just get this feeling that I’m meant to be alone, that I couldn’t possibly do anyone silly enough to be in a relationship with me anygood (I’m cringing even as I type this) I’m not sure that I can even feel anything akin to love for anyone. I liked my ex, I enjoyed his company for a while but I sometimes feel that relationships and I don’t mix. Maybe it’s just that old cliche of not having found the right person, or maybe I’m not as tolerant of others as I think I am and want to be. I was certainly very intolerant of my ex’s faults. In article <90g89t$tl…@nnrp1.deja.com>, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -  g…@my-deja.com wrote: > In article <3a2b693c.593…@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>, >   nospamwil…@2000cn.com.au (Willow2000) wrote: > > I’m not so sure I agree with that either. Have you heard those stories > > of couples who couldn’t stand each other for maybe a year after they > > met. They would have laughed at anyone who suggested that they might > > be in a relationship together at some point. And yet these often seem > > to be the strongest relationships. There do also seem to be some > > arranged marriages that work out in a similar way, despite all the bad > > publicity that they get. > This almost seems like a counterargument for you having broken up with > your boyfriend. Below you say you can’t stand him. > > Do you feel horrible at all knowing that you were in the relationship > > with your ex? > No. In fact, I’m trying to remain in touch as friends with her (which > was her suggestion when we initially broke up), but now she says > I had hurt her too much for her to be friends with me and that she > needs/needed time to heel. She was saying this 9 months after we broke > up. > > I sometimes see my ex around where I live and always > > feel really guilty because although I knew it wasn’t working and we > > were both pretty miserable, he still kept insisting that everything > > was ok despite the arguments and misunderstandings and general feeling > > that things were going nowhere. It was getting to the point where I > > couldn’t stand to be anywhere near him (I still feel horrible at the > > sight of him), felt the need to change him (I get frustrated when > > others base a relationship on the assumption that they can change > > their partner) and couldn’t make him see that it was important for me > > to spend some time alone rather than being with him 24hrs a day. > > That’s obviously an exageration, but it was almost as bad as that. > > Just the fact that I felt and feel that I have to justify my actions > > in ending the relationship… I don’t think I’ll bother with > > relationships anymore, I think I’ll just find a house that allows me > > to have a dog > I don’t think I’ve quite reached that level of thinking yet. > I think different relationships affect different people in different > ways. When I broke up with my girlfriend, I was really sad (ie: crying) > for about 2 days (yes, even myself being the one who initiated the > breakup). I was kind of melancholy for a week or two after that. And > after that I was back to normal. All the time I realized, though, that > what happened was for the best. I learned *a lot* from the > relationship — not just about my girlfriend, or about being in a > relationship, but about myself. What I wanted and what I didn’t want. > Why I had wanted a relationship in the first place (I was approaching > my mid twenties without having ever had one). What doesn’t kill me, > just makes me stronger. (Now, I just have to learn to think like that > when I get really down on myself and I’m not in such a good mood as I > am now. > I think taking the point of view that you describe below (in your > previous message) about having gained something from the relationship, > even if it didn’t work out, is good. Do you really want to resign > yourself to "getting a house so that you can buy a dog"? There’s 8 > billion people on this planet. The chances are you’re compatible (even > if they’re not your soulmate) with at least a few of them. > And that’s my 2 cents — and like you commented about yours, that’s > about all it’s worth, too! > > On Mon, 04 Dec 2000 01:23:31 GMT, g…@my-deja.com wrote: > > >In article <3a29330e.358…@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>, > > >  nospamwil…@2000cn.com.au (Willow2000) wrote: > > >> I think it’s wrong for people to hold off on happiness, on > > >> relationships, in the hope of finding a soulmate. I personally > don’t > > >> think there’s any such thing, but that may be because I have no > > >> experience with the phenomenon either personally or with people I > know > > >> in their relationships. > > >I’m not suggesting people should hold off on happiness to achieve > some > > >eternal bliss that might come with having a soulmate, which may or > > >may not exist. However, what I am wondering is if people rush into > > >relationships too fast not because they are with someone who will > > >make them happy, but because they are with someone. Period. And the > > >fact that they are with *someone*, regardless of who, makes people > think > > >they will be happy. It’s the idea of happiness that a person has > > >pursued in this case, not the person him/herself. > > >> Although my one and only relationship to-date was with a person who > > >> although I enjoyed his company and who treated me well enough, we > > >> weren’t really all that compatible, we had more differences than we > > >> had similarities, I still feel it was important for me to have the > > >> experience as it’s helped me a little with my lack of self- > confidence. > > >> I’ve still got a LONG way to go, but I no longer feel that I am > > >> totally unworthy of love or even appreciation. The ignorance and > > >> carelessness in the way that I’m often treated by other people > doesn’t > > >> hurt me as much as it used to. I just hope that our relationship > > >> helped my ex in someway too. It would be nice to think we both > gained > > >> something out of it. > > >I had a similar experience as you. I was with someone for a while > with > > >whom I wasn’t very compatible. Although she was a very nice person > and > > >treated me well, we never had much to talk about and in the end we > > >broke up. However, I do not regret the experience at all. She was my > > >first real girlfriend, and she helped me a lot towards making me > realize > > >that I may not be as much of a loser as I originally had thought I > was. > > >Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > > >Before you buy. > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > Before you buy.

– The missing and not to be taken seriously under any circumstances garden gnome. ~~fairies are able to fly because they take themselves lightly~ Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

In article <3a2b693c.593…@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>,   nospamwil…@2000cn.com.au (Willow2000) wrote: > I’m not so sure I agree with that either. Have you heard those stories > of couples who couldn’t stand each other for maybe a year after they > met. They would have laughed at anyone who suggested that they might > be in a relationship together at some point. And yet these often seem > to be the strongest relationships. There do also seem to be some > arranged marriages that work out in a similar way, despite all the bad > publicity that they get.

This almost seems like a counterargument for you having broken up with your boyfriend. Below you say you can’t stand him. > Do you feel horrible at all knowing that you were in the relationship > with your ex?

No. In fact, I’m trying to remain in touch as friends with her (which was her suggestion when we initially broke up), but now she says I had hurt her too much for her to be friends with me and that she needs/needed time to heel. She was saying this 9 months after we broke up. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I sometimes see my ex around where I live and always > feel really guilty because although I knew it wasn’t working and we > were both pretty miserable, he still kept insisting that everything > was ok despite the arguments and misunderstandings and general feeling > that things were going nowhere. It was getting to the point where I > couldn’t stand to be anywhere near him (I still feel horrible at the > sight of him), felt the need to change him (I get frustrated when > others base a relationship on the assumption that they can change > their partner) and couldn’t make him see that it was important for me > to spend some time alone rather than being with him 24hrs a day. > That’s obviously an exageration, but it was almost as bad as that. > Just the fact that I felt and feel that I have to justify my actions > in ending the relationship… I don’t think I’ll bother with > relationships anymore, I think I’ll just find a house that allows me > to have a dog

I don’t think I’ve quite reached that level of thinking yet. I think different relationships affect different people in different ways. When I broke up with my girlfriend, I was really sad (ie: crying) for about 2 days (yes, even myself being the one who initiated the breakup). I was kind of melancholy for a week or two after that. And after that I was back to normal. All the time I realized, though, that what happened was for the best. I learned *a lot* from the relationship — not just about my girlfriend, or about being in a relationship, but about myself. What I wanted and what I didn’t want. Why I had wanted a relationship in the first place (I was approaching my mid twenties without having ever had one). What doesn’t kill me, just makes me stronger. (Now, I just have to learn to think like that when I get really down on myself and I’m not in such a good mood as I am now. I think taking the point of view that you describe below (in your previous message) about having gained something from the relationship, even if it didn’t work out, is good. Do you really want to resign yourself to "getting a house so that you can buy a dog"? There’s 8 billion people on this planet. The chances are you’re compatible (even if they’re not your soulmate) with at least a few of them. And that’s my 2 cents — and like you commented about yours, that’s about all it’s worth, too! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On Mon, 04 Dec 2000 01:23:31 GMT, g…@my-deja.com wrote: > >In article <3a29330e.358…@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>, > >  nospamwil…@2000cn.com.au (Willow2000) wrote: > >> I think it’s wrong for people to hold off on happiness, on > >> relationships, in the hope of finding a soulmate. I personally don’t > >> think there’s any such thing, but that may be because I have no > >> experience with the phenomenon either personally or with people I know > >> in their relationships. > >I’m not suggesting people should hold off on happiness to achieve some > >eternal bliss that might come with having a soulmate, which may or > >may not exist. However, what I am wondering is if people rush into > >relationships too fast not because they are with someone who will > >make them happy, but because they are with someone. Period. And the > >fact that they are with *someone*, regardless of who, makes people think > >they will be happy. It’s the idea of happiness that a person has > >pursued in this case, not the person him/herself. > >> Although my one and only relationship to-date was with a person who > >> although I enjoyed his company and who treated me well enough, we > >> weren’t really all that compatible, we had more differences than we > >> had similarities, I still feel it was important for me to have the > >> experience as it’s helped me a little with my lack of self- confidence. > >> I’ve still got a LONG way to go, but I no longer feel that I am > >> totally unworthy of love or even appreciation. The ignorance and > >> carelessness in the way that I’m often treated by other people doesn’t > >> hurt me as much as it used to. I just hope that our relationship > >> helped my ex in someway too. It would be nice to think we both gained > >> something out of it. > >I had a similar experience as you. I was with someone for a while with > >whom I wasn’t very compatible. Although she was a very nice person and > >treated me well, we never had much to talk about and in the end we > >broke up. However, I do not regret the experience at all. She was my > >first real girlfriend, and she helped me a lot towards making me realize > >that I may not be as much of a loser as I originally had thought I was. > >Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > >Before you buy.

Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

I’m not so sure I agree with that either. Have you heard those stories of couples who couldn’t stand each other for maybe a year after they met. They would have laughed at anyone who suggested that they might be in a relationship together at some point. And yet these often seem to be the strongest relationships. There do also seem to be some arranged marriages that work out in a similar way, despite all the bad publicity that they get. I wasn’t really saying that you were suggesting that, that seems to be the accepted assumption. Do you feel horrible at all knowing that you were in the relationship with your ex? I sometimes see my ex around where I live and always feel really guilty because although I knew it wasn’t working and we were both pretty miserable, he still kept insisting that everything was ok despite the arguments and misunderstandings and general feeling that things were going nowhere. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t stand to be anywhere near him (I still feel horrible at the sight of him), felt the need to change him (I get frustrated when others base a relationship on the assumption that they can change their partner) and couldn’t make him see that it was important for me to spend some time alone rather than being with him 24hrs a day. That’s obviously an exageration, but it was almost as bad as that. Just the fact that I felt and feel that I have to justify my actions in ending the relationship… I don’t think I’ll bother with relationships anymore, I think I’ll just find a house that allows me to have a dog – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -On Mon, 04 Dec 2000 01:23:31 GMT, g…@my-deja.com wrote: >In article <3a29330e.358…@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>, >  nospamwil…@2000cn.com.au (Willow2000) wrote: >> I think it’s wrong for people to hold off on happiness, on >> relationships, in the hope of finding a soulmate. I personally don’t >> think there’s any such thing, but that may be because I have no >> experience with the phenomenon either personally or with people I know >> in their relationships. >I’m not suggesting people should hold off on happiness to achieve some >eternal bliss that might come with having a soulmate, which may or >may not exist. However, what I am wondering is if people rush into >relationships too fast not because they are with someone who will >make them happy, but because they are with someone. Period. And the >fact that they are with *someone*, regardless of who, makes people think >they will be happy. It’s the idea of happiness that a person has >pursued in this case, not the person him/herself. >> Although my one and only relationship to-date was with a person who >> although I enjoyed his company and who treated me well enough, we >> weren’t really all that compatible, we had more differences than we >> had similarities, I still feel it was important for me to have the >> experience as it’s helped me a little with my lack of self-confidence. >> I’ve still got a LONG way to go, but I no longer feel that I am >> totally unworthy of love or even appreciation. The ignorance and >> carelessness in the way that I’m often treated by other people doesn’t >> hurt me as much as it used to. I just hope that our relationship >> helped my ex in someway too. It would be nice to think we both gained >> something out of it. >I had a similar experience as you. I was with someone for a while with >whom I wasn’t very compatible. Although she was a very nice person and >treated me well, we never had much to talk about and in the end we >broke up. However, I do not regret the experience at all. She was my >first real girlfriend, and she helped me a lot towards making me realize >that I may not be as much of a loser as I originally had thought I was. >Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ >Before you buy.

Response:

In article <3a29330e.358…@wa.nnrp.telstra.net>,   nospamwil…@2000cn.com.au (Willow2000) wrote: > I think it’s wrong for people to hold off on happiness, on > relationships, in the hope of finding a soulmate. I personally don’t > think there’s any such thing, but that may be because I have no > experience with the phenomenon either personally or with people I know > in their relationships.

I’m not suggesting people should hold off on happiness to achieve some eternal bliss that might come with having a soulmate, which may or may not exist. However, what I am wondering is if people rush into relationships too fast not because they are with someone who will make them happy, but because they are with someone. Period. And the fact that they are with *someone*, regardless of who, makes people think they will be happy. It’s the idea of happiness that a person has pursued in this case, not the person him/herself. > Although my one and only relationship to-date was with a person who > although I enjoyed his company and who treated me well enough, we > weren’t really all that compatible, we had more differences than we > had similarities, I still feel it was important for me to have the > experience as it’s helped me a little with my lack of self-confidence. > I’ve still got a LONG way to go, but I no longer feel that I am > totally unworthy of love or even appreciation. The ignorance and > carelessness in the way that I’m often treated by other people doesn’t > hurt me as much as it used to. I just hope that our relationship > helped my ex in someway too. It would be nice to think we both gained > something out of it.

I had a similar experience as you. I was with someone for a while with whom I wasn’t very compatible. Although she was a very nice person and treated me well, we never had much to talk about and in the end we broke up. However, I do not regret the experience at all. She was my first real girlfriend, and she helped me a lot towards making me realize that I may not be as much of a loser as I originally had thought I was. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

No i dont think that there is such a thing as a soulmate nor do i believe in love at first site. Love is one of those things that is i think totally confussed in these times. With the hollywood "Perfect Relationships" that we are bombarded with day after day it is understandable why people judge themselves harshly. How can we live up to the perfect relationship that is portrayed on the big screen? We are human, and to err is human.  I have only been in one serious relationship in my 32 years on this earth and that was not meant to be. We were not in love but rather in lust with each other. Needless to say that relationship went nowhere. I have since then only had feelings for one other and they seem to get stronger each time we communicate. I dont know why this is the case as when I made my feelings known to her about a year ago she wasnt interested and I accept that. I went through a tough period after that and slowly regained my self composure. Im pleased that we are still friends yet I wonder why it is that I feel even stronger feelings for her now than ever before. I am coping with the feelings well enough, yet after I catch up with her im like on a high for hours and then I come sinking back down to reality with the knowledge that she is not interested in me in that way. Have I picked up a sign or is this my mind/heart/self conscious playing tricks on me. I dont know the answer to this or most of lifes other questions yet i do know that id rather feel this way and have a good friend than feel like I did in my one serious relationship.  I guess what im saying is that there is something I think inside us all that grows the feelings of love/trust/friendship when we meet the right one for us. We just have to get to know them first and not allow the opinions of others, especially Hollywood, get in our way. My grandfather told me that he chased my grandmother for almost three years before she consented to his persistence and went out with him on a date. They remained happily married for over 50 years before my grandmother passed away. I guess there is something in that for us all and I know that I feel better knowing it. Anyway thats enuf ramble from me for now. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<g…@my-deja.com> wrote in message news:90b3mm$9d2$1@nnrp1.deja.com… > Here’s a question for everyone: Do you think soulmates exist? > I look at the statistics of how many marriages end up in divorce — > what is it, like 1 in 2? — and think: did these people who end up > divorced believe at one point they had found their soulmate, or did > they have nagging doubts at the back of their mind whether they should > get married? Did they end up getting married anyways because of > fear of loneliness, because of societal pressure, or just the belief > that the nagging feeling would go away once they were married? > It’s been almost a year since I broke up with my girlfriend (first and > only girlfriend I’ve ever really had). We were together for a little > over a year, and what scares me, is that I think had I pretended > things were okay and didn’t start distancing myself from her the > more I doubted the relationship, I’m quite sure if I asked her to > marry me, she would have said yes. But I didn’t want to end up in > a marriage that wasn’t with someone who was my soulmate. (BTW, I > should probably point out I’m in my mid twenties). > Let me back up a second and define what I mean by soulmate. Despite > the use of the word ’soul’, I’m not trying to bring any religious > definition of love in. Nor am I trying to refer to a soul as some > separate entity of yourself which will continue after your death. You > see, I’m somewhat of an agnostic/atheist. My use of the word > "soul"mate is intended to refer to someone who, while they may not > be completely identical to you, is able to understand you at a level > that few other people, if any, can. It’s someone with whom you will > always have something to talk about, and even when your not talking > about something, just being in the same room with them makes you feel > different … makes you feel like things are more right. I’m not > trying to define romantic love either. No Romeo and Juliet love at > first sight here. The feeling of "rightness" I’m trying to get at > is not "excitement", which is what is felt in "Romantic" romeo-juliet > type love. Not that there wouldn’t be any excitement in the relationship > but just that it doesn’t DEFINE it. > I know the above definition is very vague. I’ve never experienced it > myself, so I’m only speculating in very abstract terms what it could > be like. > Does something like that exist? Nothing in this world is perfect, > but to allude to Plato, he believed that there were perfect Forms > in existence that humans could only see imperfect examples of. > (And just because I’m alluding to Plato doesn’t mean I’m trying to > bring his whacked defintion of Love into the picture). Anyways, > so maybe there’s imperfect relationships out there which resemble > very closely the ideal of a relationship with a soulmate. Imperfect > doesn’t mean "bad", but just "realistic". > Do you think that exists? > Like I said above, I’ve only been in one real relationship with > someone, and I know for a fact they weren’t my soulmate. Despite > the fact that she was my first girlfriend, and before that I had > been terrified I would never meet anyone, I decided to end the > relationship. Now I’m alone again, and I’m falling into the same > rutt as I was in before, believing that I’m a lonely sob who won’t > meet anyone. But even if I do meet someone, now I have the added > … experience, for lack of a better word … to make me question > whether it is the right person. Before I just wanted to affirm my > self worth by being in a relationship. Now I’m lonely, and I’m looking > for more than just to remove that loneliness. I’m looking for a > soulmate. Does anyone else here know what I mean? > I’m sure what I’m looking for is very very difficult to find. What > makes it harder is not knowing if it even exists. I guess that’s > why some people refer to it as the search for the holy grail. Harlan > Ellison had a story about a man who spent his whole life searching > for love, called "Grail". > Anyways, just wanted to let my thoughts out on the subject. > guby > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > Before you buy.

Response:

Do you think soulmates exist?     I had a friend who wanted to keep an old friendship going.  He told his wife because she was his soulmate.                                             `___

Filed under: Happiness Loneliness

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