Lonely Loneliness

continuing in darkness

Question:

OK.  I’m not just going to sit in this d*$n tunnel.  I cannot describe my immense frustration at having to work my way out again.  The urge is to sit here and wallow in my stubborn self- pity.  I’ll have to use borrowed courage to even stand up, but I’m gonna have to do it because I refuse to sit here forever. At least I have the possibility of ECT to keep me moving forward.  Oh, I’m so unhappy.  I know you all understand and bless your hearts for being in the same position.  I want to cry and scream and rage at this unfair world.  I want to scratch and kick and hit all those happy people who go about their happy lives without realizing those of us who linger here in quiet, desperate pain.  Sounds like I’m angry.  Maybe I am. Susan (but anger is so childish, Susan; you were always chided for it, never allowed it, always dismissed because of it; anger is bad) Got questions?  Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -i am reading "prozac nation."  wurtzel’s experience is so different than mine, yet i can still feel her pain. my current fight continues.  isolation.  fear.  loneliness. achingly lonely.  afraid to reach out.  needy.  hating myself. wondering what it’s all worth anyway.  no future.  nothing positive.  not for me.  i must be the dreariest person alive. no wonder no one wants to be around me. the meds aren’t working.  i start a new one or a higher dosage and it works for a while, then tapers off into the same drone of nothingness, ineffectiveness, hollowness, emptiness, call it what you will.  i feel toxic.  my body is pumped so full of these medications, i feel toxic.  my own private love canal. i’ve been pondering the idea of ECT.  praying that it might be the answer for me.  wishing my doctor is having a great time on vacation but dammit won’t he get back soon.  i can’t take this much longer.  i’m going crazy.  this depression is pushing me under and i no longer have the strength to fight to come up for air.  i hope i can do ECT.  my dad will be coming down to stay with me for a while.  i hope we can fight this together, that he can lend me some strength.  the only hope i have right now is ECT, so i pray that i will be able to do it. Susan Got questions?  Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com </PRE</HTML

I’am with you. you are not alone..

Response:

it seems to me that not too long ago i was nearing the end of the tunnel and joyously grasping for your hands so you all could come with me into the wonderful light that offered hope and relief from this hell.  how the hell did i end up back here in the depths of the core of this g&^d%%$ tunnel!?!  what happened?  how did i get dragged all the way back here?  i was almost there.  I could feel the warmth of the light.  i could taste it.  but now i sit in the tunnel, not wanting to move. you all move along beside me, go on, i’ll be along eventually. i’m just going to sit here for a while and ponder. Susan Got questions?  Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com

Response:

i am reading "prozac nation."  wurtzel’s experience is so different than mine, yet i can still feel her pain. my current fight continues.  isolation.  fear.  loneliness. achingly lonely.  afraid to reach out.  needy.  hating myself. wondering what it’s all worth anyway.  no future.  nothing positive.  not for me.  i must be the dreariest person alive. no wonder no one wants to be around me. the meds aren’t working.  i start a new one or a higher dosage and it works for a while, then tapers off into the same drone of nothingness, ineffectiveness, hollowness, emptiness, call it what you will.  i feel toxic.  my body is pumped so full of these medications, i feel toxic.  my own private love canal. i’ve been pondering the idea of ECT.  praying that it might be the answer for me.  wishing my doctor is having a great time on vacation but dammit won’t he get back soon.  i can’t take this much longer.  i’m going crazy.  this depression is pushing me under and i no longer have the strength to fight to come up for air.  i hope i can do ECT.  my dad will be coming down to stay with me for a while.  i hope we can fight this together, that he can lend me some strength.  the only hope i have right now is ECT, so i pray that i will be able to do it. Susan Got questions?  Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness Depression

Related Posts

• <21>
• [generation x]
• SweetPest
• Dependence: in-, inter-, co-
• Beauty/Death...what it feels like to die
• Resignation.
• Ringing in the New Year with a Bang (spoiler: sex)
• Crash
• Lonliness misdiagnosed as depression
• Recovery and relapse