Fallout (was: re: my mother….)
Question:
Hi Baccus, i guess the reason i like your posts is because of your style of writing. It’s not that i find your depression or pain entertaining Baccus, it’s because i can see the art in your soul. Being lonely was for a long time a major issue with me. i’ve been alone for so many years now that i guess i have gotten used to it. i know how much tougher it is for someone your age versus someone my age. my heart goes out to you Baccus. Pushing people away and having that wall up is going to make getting someone in your life tougher then it would otherwise be. Growing up gay with all straight friends, i am probably the king of one sided love. The nonsense of "It’s better to have loved and lost……" is a lot of crap. i would have preferred to have never loved than to have felt the pain of never being loved back over and over again. Writing seems to be such a personal thing that it’s rather surprising that anyone shares their works. i’m not a great writer by any stretch of the imagination but i still enjoy doing it. i share an occasional poem but not much more. i liked your lyrics and would love to hear the music that went with them. i really like these two lives the most. "But I could never see the truth for what it was My eyes were in the way " i can relate to those lines in a big way. i started my reply as i was reading your post and got to the last paragraph where you ask if i can understand what you wrote about your eyes getting in the way. By the time i got there i had already found those two lines to be my favorite because they had the most meaning for me. So, yep, i can understand. You are an artist all right Baccus, it’s written all over you like a billboard. Take care Baccus and keep posting. tom
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x-no-archive: yes Hi Baccus, i always enjoy reading your posts, this was no exception. I ponder the concept, since I only write what comes to mind. If anyone likes that, well, it can’t be all that bad I guess. Friends that truly accept us for who we are are rare, you are very lucky or they might be the lucky ones come to think of it. Yes, I am very lucky. Still, it’s not enough I’m afraid. When you drink and get quite Baccus, what’s going through your mind at that time? All the thoughts which gathers in my head until the moment I start drinking. Or in other words, all the shit. I might sometimes speak when I am drunk, but that is quite seldom nowadays. As a result, I try not to drink much. Is there something in particular that is troubling you or is it depression in general? Well. My loneliness is a big obsession. I’m so very tired of not being able to have someone in my life. That must surely be a priviliege beyond dreams. General depression for me is like a cloud that follows me and an oppressive sense of despair. Quote: "Once the cloud that’s raining over your head Dissapears The noise that you’ll hear Is the crashing down of hollow years" This is set in a context of suicide. It’s not by me. Even that is better than it used to be so, woohoo ! The fact that you have been hurt by love interests suggests to me that you are a soft hearted guy that has been willing to love but has been betrayed in some way. Oh many times. I’ve never ever gotten any girl I’ve ever loved. It isn’t many, but those I have loved has been profound and true. It’s a terrible feeling to think of the incredible feeling. Complicated is my middle name (weird huh? one of many), when you are ready, tell us/me some of the complications if you feel that it may ease your burden a bit. Oh yeah, whining is allowed here if you ever feel like it but so far i haven’t heard you whine one time. I always seems to be whining. At least to myself. Are you hurting from the love experiences that you’ve had ? Not really. I’m not in love and have no problems thinking about what’s going on in my emotional life. Which, basically, isn’t much beyond depression and despair. i know that things are complicated but sooner or later you might feel like filling in some details. See? i knew you were an artist Baccus, i was a musician for a long time too and i completely understand what you mean about it being too painful to pick things up again. As we talk i’ll fill you in about my past in that area and you can fill me in. i haven’t written a lot of songs but a few, mostly poetry and short stories. It sounds like you write deeper material than i do but i would love to read some of your writings some day if you feel like sharing, I’ve shared some throughout the years. Nothing big, as I do not consider myself to be a great writer of any kind. I’m actually quite embarrassed to even think the thought of sharing what I’ve written with someone else. Still, I seem to do it on occation. I can quote some of my shitty stuff if you like. It’s not that I don’t know that I won’t make a fool out of myself. Two verses from part 3 of an epic songtext I wrote for a good friend some years ago. The song, had I written music to it, would probably clock in above 20 minutes. These verses from part three, called Inner Rebel, deals with the outbursts of despair which sometimes manifests physically. My inner rebel takes control I wish it wasnt so obvious My endless fights with myself The endless banging on the walls My head going round and round It’s like being in a out worn Prison, inside my hell I can not explain What my heart tells me to do But I know a charade when I see one And I am looking at myself In a fainted mirror The glass have broken Long ago To give another example from the same song. This is from part 5. The part is called Revealment, and that particular verse deals firstly with the ways of escaping pain and despair through alcohol and apathy. The last three lines deals with how to overcome the problem. The broken promises, the easy life The mindless hunt of a cheap bottle You have nowhere to hide anymore Do tell me your story And you might live And this is typical me, in my more extreme despairing moments. Going around every day, like a zombie’s teacher Minds tweaker, body’s shaker Sing for me now on the dying eve A quiet afternoon outside in the spring While inside the autumn of my chaos lives I can hear its song, I can hear its claws Feel its claws, feel its song Those two verses are from another somewhat epical song, which has several parts. The particular part is called Mourning For The Lost Words. I really can’t explain them, because I can’t even remember I wrote them. Let’s just say it’s pitch black. This verse deals with my silence when I’m drunk: Wake up now, think clear Obscureness of drink spawns fear Lump in my throat, what could I possibly say Will I take it to my grave, or tell to live? This is from part one of the aforementioned song. It’s called Regression. Notice I write "tell to live" instead of "live to tell". if not, i understand that too, i haven’t shared but a tiny fraction of what i’ve written. For me it’s rather therapeutic and allows me to say things on paper that i could never get out in real life. It also lets me paint a life for myself that i will never experience in this life. It doesn’t really do much for me. Difficult to explain. I just write what’s in my head. This is a footnote I wrote for the song of which I quoted the first "A story of a young girl lost in the dark memories of her mind. This song is dedicated to someone who holds a special place in my tormented heart, and the more I talk with you, the more I get the feeling that trough all darkness there is a place where we can live in peace with ourselves. To sail into destiny with our heads held high and proud, free of care and troubles, with strong winds coming up from behind and pushes us eternally forward. And we can do what we want to do with our lives. You have showed me that it is possible, but I have yet to find my way." I think it describes my emotions towards painting a life that one can never experience. There’s always a way out of anything, for good or bad. And both can come true. It’s just a matter of willpower. Which life comes true is, sadly, always up to the individual. Please continue to post Baccus, i bet we have some things in common but who knows maybe not, either way it is sure to be interesting. i know you have friends but if you ever need an ear i am your man. Please take care Baccus and write back when you have the time. tom My last quote of myself in this post. I know you probably are laughing now, but I’ll do it anyway: I tried, oh yes I tried To be everything you dreamed of To fulfill my role in a passionate play But I could never see the truth for what it was My eyes were in the way This is a verse from the only lovesong I’ve ever had the heart to write. It’s of course sad, but far from everything else I’ve written. It explains my view towards love, which I wrote about in an earlier post. This is not complicated at all. I cannot see the truth for what it is because my eyes are always in the way. And those eyes are peering at myself. Understand? – Baccus x-no-archive: yes Hi Baccus, i’m sorry it’s taken this long to reply. i know for myself being alone does seem to make things less complicated, there are fewer questions and
… read more »
Response:
Hi Baccus, i always enjoy reading your posts, this was no exception. Friends that truly accept us for who we are are rare, you are very lucky or they might be the lucky ones come to think of it. When you drink and get quite Baccus, what’s going through your mind at that time? Is there something in particular that is troubling you or is it depression in general? General depression for me is like a cloud that follows me and an oppressive sense of despair. Even that is better than it used to be so, woohoo ! The fact that you have been hurt by love interests suggests to me that you are a soft hearted guy that has been willing to love but has been betrayed in some way. Complicated is my middle name (weird huh? one of many), when you are ready, tell us/me some of the complications if you feel that it may ease your burden a bit. Oh yeah, whining is allowed here if you ever feel like it but so far i haven’t heard you whine one time. Are you hurting from the love experiences that you’ve had ? i know that things are complicated but sooner or later you might feel like filling in some details. See? i knew you were an artist Baccus, i was a musician for a long time too and i completely understand what you mean about it being too painful to pick things up again. As we talk i’ll fill you in about my past in that area and you can fill me in. i haven’t written a lot of songs but a few, mostly poetry and short stories. It sounds like you write deeper material than i do but i would love to read some of your writings some day if you feel like sharing, if not, i understand that too, i haven’t shared but a tiny fraction of what i’ve written. For me it’s rather therapeutic and allows me to say things on paper that i could never get out in real life. It also lets me paint a life for myself that i will never experience in this life. Please continue to post Baccus, i bet we have some things in common but who knows maybe not, either way it is sure to be interesting. i know you have friends but if you ever need an ear i am your man. Please take care Baccus and write back when you have the time. tom
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x-no-archive: yes Hi Baccus, i’m sorry it’s taken this long to reply. i know for myself being alone does seem to make things less complicated, there are fewer questions and less stress. You have friends that are glad you are with them even if you aren’t talking. They’re good friends hang onto them. Yes, they are good friends. There’s only 4 people I’ve ever cried in front of. And 1 of them has cried in front of me. She is one of my best friends, and I love her dearly. She’s gone through so much, and I’ve tried to be there for her many times, even though her boyfriend (who is another of those four people) is there for her all the time. He himself got problems, and so we have been very close. I hang onto my best friends for all I’ve got. Without them I’ve got nothing. They accept me for who I am (a rather strange one when I think of it). Not many people do that. Perhaps it’s because I won’t let them know me. Who knows. Would you tell me a bit about the black hole ? We are all so different, for myself a black hole conjures up images of life swirling into an abyss and disappearing before my eyes but what does it mean to you? Yep, being alone is both okay and bad for me too. Before one of my brothers moved in on me i would go for months without talking to another person for more than a few seconds or a few minutes at the most. Like you, i both liked it and hated it. The black hole for me is the depression. It’ve been gnawing away on my soul for many years. I’m tired. But the description you’ve given suits the term good too I suppose. As opposed to you, I talk with a number of people at great lengths each day. At work. At home. When I am with friends. It’s only when I’m drunk that I sink down into silence. Is the reason you won’t allow yourself to feel anything for the women that approach you a way to protect yourself from harm ? Or, is there another reason, you say you won’t degrade yourself, what do you mean by that Baccus? Yes. I cannot afford to be hurt by anyone ever. I’ve been hurt many times. It’s been some devastating experiences. I just cannot do that anymore. It might sound like whining, but it is very complicated. I cannot degrade myself into loving anyone in that way. If you understand what I mean. Degrade might not have been the best word to explain it either. It’s just because it is so damn complicated. I see love as something horrible and damaging. I still do it. As I’ve written above. Again, it is vastly complicated. You seem to be a bright and talented guy Baccus, often along with talent comes a tortured soul, as you have no doubt read here there are a few of us that find it hard to release creative flows when we are not going through a depressive period. You write your posts like an artist and i wonder if you aren’t stuck in the same position as us. We tend to cling to our depression at times for the sake of our chosen art and because it fits us like a security blanket. I don’t hold on to my depression in any way. I don’t have the energy or for the life of me to do that. I’m hurting still, but it’s been alot worse. Alot. Tell me/us a little about Baccus if you would, what are you into? If you are not into some art form i’m gonna have to jump through this screen and force you into one. You definitely have an artist’s soul. tom Tom, I’m into alot of things. First of all: beer. Second, I’m a musician/composer/writer. I used to play a vast amount of instruments. Somehow, I’ve just got a knack for those things. But in the latter years, I haven’t had the energy to keep any skills in any instrument up. Sadly as it might be, I do not feel for starting up again either. It just hurts too much now to do anything with it. Thirdly, I’m a writer. I write philosophical (which borders to linguistic philosophy) texts and articles. I’m a sucker for languages, where they come from, what form they are in, origins of languages, ways to think using different languages and what they mean. I could say much about that, but not now anyway. There’s other topics of philosophy I’m interested in (empiristical philosophy for one) and a whole range of broad subjects. I mentioned I’m a musician. I don’t compose as much as I used to. Which is really a shame because I love doing it. – Baccus x-no-archive: yes All right. I’ve settled down after the weekend and am ready to write just a wee bit. Don’t have much energy to spare tho. Yes, I’m the guy in the corner. Why? Because I choose to be just that. Whenever I go out with friends, I end up getting drunk and then go silent the rest of the evening. It never fails. My friends usually accept my silence, and they’re just happy I’m with them. Whenever I get drunk, I get these thoughts in my head you see. It allows me to feel the black hole on another level than when I am sober. It is both a blessing but also a curse. Things go from worse to even worse when I’m drinking. And still I drink. I wrote I wasn’t with anybody. That happens quite frequently. I like being alone but I also hate it. The girl is just a metaphor (inside the metaphor) for my rejection of the opposite sex. I usually won’t talk to girls. Especially when I’m out drinking. But other times I’m very social and talk with them wherever I happen to be at the time. It’s not because I don’t like girls, I love girls, but I won’t degrade myself to feel anything for anyone beyond normal interest or empathy. The girl asks me the same question you might have thought: "Why do you sit in the corner by yourself?" I tell her because I rather enjoy it, and can you please go away. Then I smile to her. And she wanders off. She was good looking too. – Baccus Hi Baccus, First, thanks for your post, again you write a mean post. Why is that you Baccus? What’s going on behind those eye’s? Why aren’t you with anybody? Who’s the girl? What’d she say ? Tell us/me what’s going in there Baccus. If you ever want or need to you are always welcome to Take care man and please stay in touch. tom Hi, man i love the way you write. i also happen to agree with you Baccus but i really enjoy reading your posts. How are you doing by the way ? Are you okay ? ((((((((((((( Baccus )))))))))))) tom Thank you for those words Tom. If I’m okay. Well. Consider this: You’re together with some friends and you decide to go to a bar to have fun, look at chicks and generally get drunk. You come in, lots of people, a saturday night perhaps and people seems to have a great time. Over in the corner, there’s a dude sitting alone drinking beer and looking sort of perplexed. When you study the guy a bit further, he seems to be staring at nothing. Some girl asks him a question, you can’t hear what she’s saying because of the music blaring out of the
… read more »
Response:
Hi Baccus, i’m sorry it’s taken this long to reply. i know for myself being alone does seem to make things less complicated, there are fewer questions and less stress. You have friends that are glad you are with them even if you aren’t talking. They’re good friends hang onto them. Would you tell me a bit about the black hole ? We are all so different, for myself a black hole conjures up images of life swirling into an abyss and disappearing before my eyes but what does it mean to you? Yep, being alone is both okay and bad for me too. Before one of my brothers moved in on me i would go for months without talking to another person for more than a few seconds or a few minutes at the most. Like you, i both liked it and hated it. Is the reason you won’t allow yourself to feel anything for the women that approach you a way to protect yourself from harm ? Or, is there another reason, you say you won’t degrade yourself, what do you mean by that Baccus? You seem to be a bright and talented guy Baccus, often along with talent comes a tortured soul, as you have no doubt read here there are a few of us that find it hard to release creative flows when we are not going through a depressive period. You write your posts like an artist and i wonder if you aren’t stuck in the same position as us. We tend to cling to our depression at times for the sake of our chosen art and because it fits us like a security blanket. Tell me/us a little about Baccus if you would, what are you into? If you are not into some art form i’m gonna have to jump through this screen and force you into one. You definitely have an artist’s soul. tom
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x-no-archive: yes All right. I’ve settled down after the weekend and am ready to write just a wee bit. Don’t have much energy to spare tho. Yes, I’m the guy in the corner. Why? Because I choose to be just that. Whenever I go out with friends, I end up getting drunk and then go silent the rest of the evening. It never fails. My friends usually accept my silence, and they’re just happy I’m with them. Whenever I get drunk, I get these thoughts in my head you see. It allows me to feel the black hole on another level than when I am sober. It is both a blessing but also a curse. Things go from worse to even worse when I’m drinking. And still I drink. I wrote I wasn’t with anybody. That happens quite frequently. I like being alone but I also hate it. The girl is just a metaphor (inside the metaphor) for my rejection of the opposite sex. I usually won’t talk to girls. Especially when I’m out drinking. But other times I’m very social and talk with them wherever I happen to be at the time. It’s not because I don’t like girls, I love girls, but I won’t degrade myself to feel anything for anyone beyond normal interest or empathy. The girl asks me the same question you might have thought: "Why do you sit in the corner by yourself?" I tell her because I rather enjoy it, and can you please go away. Then I smile to her. And she wanders off. She was good looking too. – Baccus Hi Baccus, First, thanks for your post, again you write a mean post. Why is that you Baccus? What’s going on behind those eye’s? Why aren’t you with anybody? Who’s the girl? What’d she say ? Tell us/me what’s going in there Baccus. If you ever want or need to you are always welcome to Take care man and please stay in touch. tom Hi, man i love the way you write. i also happen to agree with you Baccus but i really enjoy reading your posts. How are you doing by the way ? Are you okay ? ((((((((((((( Baccus )))))))))))) tom Thank you for those words Tom. If I’m okay. Well. Consider this: You’re together with some friends and you decide to go to a bar to have fun, look at chicks and generally get drunk. You come in, lots of people, a saturday night perhaps and people seems to have a great time. Over in the corner, there’s a dude sitting alone drinking beer and looking sort of perplexed. When you study the guy a bit further, he seems to be staring at nothing. Some girl asks him a question, you can’t hear what she’s saying because of the music blaring out of the speakers. But he says something to the girl and smiles faintly. She goes off, and you notice that the guy is sighing deeply and then looks directly at you. Before you look away you see that his eyes seems full of life in one second but in the next, his eyes are empty and lifeless. You continue to peek at the guy throughout the evening, and he just sits there staring at nothing while drinking beer after beer. You think to yourself, "he seems sad and lost", then you forget him and go on having a good time. After some time, your eyes scan the assembled party and you notice that the corner is empty. He’s gone. After another second, the whole thing is forgotten. That guy is me. – Baccus "The longest trip you’ll take is inside.." – Yes ‘94 "The longest trip you’ll take is inside.." – Yes ‘94
Response:
Hi Baccus, Cool, i’m looking forward to your next post. Take care of yourself Baccus, i hope you sleep or have slept well. tom
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x-no-archive: yes Tom, I’ll explain the post tomorrow. It’s so late at night here and I need to sleep. I’ll wake up tomorrow to another day, another day filled with very little meaning. Until then, take care. – Baccus Hi Baccus, First, thanks for your post, again you write a mean post. Why is that you Baccus? What’s going on behind those eye’s? Why aren’t you with anybody? Who’s the girl? What’d she say ? Tell us/me what’s going in there Baccus. If you ever want or need to you are always welcome to Take care man and please stay in touch. tom Hi, man i love the way you write. i also happen to agree with you Baccus but i really enjoy reading your posts. How are you doing by the way ? Are you okay ? ((((((((((((( Baccus )))))))))))) tom Thank you for those words Tom. If I’m okay. Well. Consider this: You’re together with some friends and you decide to go to a bar to have fun, look at chicks and generally get drunk. You come in, lots of people, a saturday night perhaps and people seems to have a great time. Over in the corner, there’s a dude sitting alone drinking beer and looking sort of perplexed. When you study the guy a bit further, he seems to be staring at nothing. Some girl asks him a question, you can’t hear what she’s saying because of the music blaring out of the speakers. But he says something to the girl and smiles faintly. She goes off, and you notice that the guy is sighing deeply and then looks directly at you. Before you look away you see that his eyes seems full of life in one second but in the next, his eyes are empty and lifeless. You continue to peek at the guy throughout the evening, and he just sits there staring at nothing while drinking beer after beer. You think to yourself, "he seems sad and lost", then you forget him and go on having a good time. After some time, your eyes scan the assembled party and you notice that the corner is empty. He’s gone. After another second, the whole thing is forgotten. That guy is me. – Baccus "The longest trip you’ll take is inside.." – Yes ‘94 "The longest trip you’ll take is inside.." – Yes ‘94
Response:
Hi Baccus, First, thanks for your post, again you write a mean post. Why is that you Baccus? What’s going on behind those eye’s? Why aren’t you with anybody? Who’s the girl? What’d she say ? Tell us/me what’s going in there Baccus. If you ever want or need to you are always welcome to Take care man and please stay in touch. tom
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi, man i love the way you write. i also happen to agree with you Baccus but i really enjoy reading your posts. How are you doing by the way ? Are you okay ? ((((((((((((( Baccus )))))))))))) tom Thank you for those words Tom. If I’m okay. Well. Consider this: You’re together with some friends and you decide to go to a bar to have fun, look at chicks and generally get drunk. You come in, lots of people, a saturday night perhaps and people seems to have a great time. Over in the corner, there’s a dude sitting alone drinking beer and looking sort of perplexed. When you study the guy a bit further, he seems to be staring at nothing. Some girl asks him a question, you can’t hear what she’s saying because of the music blaring out of the speakers. But he says something to the girl and smiles faintly. She goes off, and you notice that the guy is sighing deeply and then looks directly at you. Before you look away you see that his eyes seems full of life in one second but in the next, his eyes are empty and lifeless. You continue to peek at the guy throughout the evening, and he just sits there staring at nothing while drinking beer after beer. You think to yourself, "he seems sad and lost", then you forget him and go on having a good time. After some time, your eyes scan the assembled party and you notice that the corner is empty. He’s gone. After another second, the whole thing is forgotten. That guy is me. – Baccus "The longest trip you’ll take is inside.." – Yes ‘94
Response:
Hi, man i love the way you write. i also happen to agree with you Baccus but i really enjoy reading your posts. How are you doing by the way ? Are you okay ? ((((((((((((( Baccus )))))))))))) tom
Thank you for those words Tom. If I’m okay. Well. Consider this: You’re together with some friends and you decide to go to a bar to have fun, look at chicks and generally get drunk. You come in, lots of people, a saturday night perhaps and people seems to have a great time. Over in the corner, there’s a dude sitting alone drinking beer and looking sort of perplexed. When you study the guy a bit further, he seems to be staring at nothing. Some girl asks him a question, you can’t hear what she’s saying because of the music blaring out of the speakers. But he says something to the girl and smiles faintly. She goes off, and you notice that the guy is sighing deeply and then looks directly at you. Before you look away you see that his eyes seems full of life in one second but in the next, his eyes are empty and lifeless. You continue to peek at the guy throughout the evening, and he just sits there staring at nothing while drinking beer after beer. You think to yourself, "he seems sad and lost", then you forget him and go on having a good time. After some time, your eyes scan the assembled party and you notice that the corner is empty. He’s gone. After another second, the whole thing is forgotten. That guy is me. – Baccus "The longest trip you’ll take is inside.." – Yes ‘94
Response:
Filed under: Loneliness Depression
Leave a Comment
XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
TrackBack URL | RSS feed for comments on this post.