Lonely Loneliness

Hi everyone! I'm actually in a decent mood! :)

Question:

Dear Brooke, Well, it didn’t last long, because I didn’t make it to work this morning, I feel like a big shithead, and I’m letting everything consume me, so back to the dog days for me, I can’t take this much longer.

First and foremost You are not a shithead ! You are a very kind caring person that I personally consider a friend. You have been a huge support to me when I felt that things were at rock bottom for me. You have helped me to see that good things do happen. Please can you do me a favour and when you think like this imagine that it is me talking to you and think what you would say to me. Some of the good things that have happened for you: 1. Your Mum is now making time for you. 2. Your Dad is getting a web cam so you can actually "see" him even when he isn’t there. 3. Your boyfriends parents are there for you. 4. You have a very understanding and considerate boyfriend. 5. You have realised that you can get a different job. 6. You have decided to move as soon as you can. These are all good things Brooke. Everything is not as black as you "allow" yourself to believe. I will tell you again, You are a good person and I value your friendship ! Much love from Carol..x

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Well, it didn’t last long, because I didn’t make it to work this morning, I feel like a big shithead, and I’m letting everything consume me, so back to the dog days for me, I can’t take this much longer. The ups and downs when dealing with an anxiety disorder suck! You aren`t a shithead, you`re just a really nice person who has the misfortune of having a really pain in the ass disorder. I will not allow you to beat yourself up like this, you hear? Had I posted today about not being able to go to work because of my anxiety, you would`ve been very supportive and same care and compassion that you give so freely to others. It will get Jackie We cannot be happy if we expect to live all the time at the highest peak of intensity. Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony. ~ Thomas Merton

Dear Jackie,     I guess it’s because I’ve always put too much pressure on myself, and had a lot of "perceived" pressure from my parents and peers to excel, and have always been the type to be early, never late, work extra, not try to take off early, and do everything that was asked of me and then some. (That stupid perfection drive in me.)     I’ve also always been very sympathetic to others problems, and extremely harsh on my own. I’ve never liked "burdening" people with my problems, and sometimes when I feel the "need" to post, it’s like admitting to myself I’m a failure and I can’t deal with these problems on my own, even though I "know" that posting on here is actually helpful because of all the wonderful people that help me feel so incredibly better on the inside, because although you all think of me as a nice person, and I think of myself as a gigantic pain in the rear.     I don’t know what else to do, other than arming myself with a ton of information for my appointment to talk with the doc about meds that I’d like to try or add to , or increase dosages of. I think he’s under-medicating me, and I’ve got to find out what the regulations are on several of these meds… Looks like a fun filled weekend for me… studying medications and studying for my mid-term.     Thank you so very much for the kind words, and I’m desperately trying not to beat myself up about things, but I just feel so poorly, I don’t know what to do. I feel lost when I’m alone, and can’t stop the worrying about *everything*.     You’re a great person Jackie, thank you. for being a wonderful friend Much Love, Brooke

Response:

Hi Brooke, My email and posts are screwed up so I have just caught this. One part of your plan didn’t happen. Remember you had a decent day yesterday. Lots of positive things are starting to happen for you. This job is not a measure of your worth. Take care, love Meryl – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Well, it didn’t last long, because I didn’t make it to work this morning, I feel like a big shithead, and I’m letting everything consume me, so back to the dog days for me, I can’t take this much longer. Hey everyone,     Well, it’s a cold day in hell, because I’ve actually had a decent day and am very much looking forward to making tomorrow very similar (as long as I can get up for work <fingers crossed) work will be relatively easy tomorrow since the boss is "getting arrested" for Jerry’s Kids (MDA) and that happens at 9am, and his son (the other boss) is going with him to take pictures. So, I’ll pretty much alone from 9am till about 1 or 2, and I leave at 3:30, so it should be a relatively peaceful day <fingers crossed.     I did take the day off today (because I had a mid afternoon appointment and it really wasn’t worth it to drive all the way up to work for 3 and 1/2 hours, that I’ll have caught up in no time tomorrow morning.), plus I’d finished EVERYTHING possible that they could have wanted on Monday and had them all prepped for what was happening today, meetings, etc (which was another reason I didn’t feel guilty about not going to work, they both were going to be out of the office in meetings today.)     I’m also dealing with a few of my problems the best way I can. The loneliness issue is something I’m just going to have to face, although my mom is making a point that we’re going out on Friday nights (since the boyfriend, server/bartender, 99.9% of the time works Friday nights) and Saturday afternoons I’m going to spend more time with Mom… until I can cultivate a group of friends of my own… but I won’t shut my mom out. Dad is getting a new digital camera, and sending me money to get a webcam so we can talk to each other over the internet, and see each other, so I think that will help quite a bit. Plus, the boyfriend had a talk with his parents about the problem, and they are coming back to the bedroom more often just to chat for a few minutes just chill, then we go back to whatever we were doing, and a few times the boyfriend’s dad has gathered up all my stuff and relocated me to the living room to be in there with them, especially when I’m not working on the computer.     I called the pdoc’s office for guidance with the meds and got no where. He wants to see me before we increase any dosages (com’on people I feel like they’ve bottomed out on me, it kinda sucks), so I’ve got to wait till my appointment on the 11th, so I’m just hanging on, and the boyfriend and mom are being as supportive as possible until I can get there, thank God.     I’m also working on finding a new job. I’ve decided to slow down a bit, and give myself enough time to make sure everything is perfect, and I’m going to mail them out on Friday so they are on everyone’s desks come Monday morning. Hopefully this is a good plan. I’ve just got to get out of this environment.     Thank you everyone for your support, and for those of you who don’t know my current meds are 100mg of Zoloft per day, 4mg of Xanax per day, and then the car accident stuff is lortab 7.5mg as needed for pain, and Skelaxin 3 times per day. If anyone has any suggestions for me to approach my pdoc with at my appointment I would greatly appreciate it. I’m demanding Ambien for sleep, if I have to scream and holler for it, I’m sick and tired of not getting any freaking sleep! I don’t care about the appetite thing, I could stand to loose another thirty pounds or so. I want the depression and anxiety to calm down… I just don’t know what else to look into. So all help is appreciated.     Hopefully this is the start for a turn for the better, and I’ll be able to be much more supportive around here. I do read the posts, just am running out of time to reply. I hope everything is doing better… Carol, keep that chin up… Jackie, how do you stay so perky?… Cheryl, I know hunny, I know….. and everyone else.. we can get better, I’m trying a new determination technique… we’ll see how long it lasts     Thank you everyone here at ASAP you all are the greatest group of friends anyone could have. Much Love, Brooke

Response:

Hi Brooke, My email and posts are screwed up so I have just caught this. One part of your plan didn’t happen. Remember you had a decent day yesterday. Lots of positive things are starting to happen for you. This job is not a measure of your worth. Take care, love Meryl

Dear Meryl,     I keep trying to tell myself that… I’m just stuck in this horrid rut and can’t get out of it. I’m hoping the appointment on Monday is productive…     Thank you for your wonderful support, as always when needed Much Love, Brooke

Response:

Dear Brooke, First and foremost You are not a shithead ! You are a very kind caring person that I personally consider a friend. You have been a huge support to me when I felt that things were at rock bottom for me. You have helped me to see that good things do happen. Please can you do me a favour and when you think like this imagine that it is me talking to you and think what you would say to me.

    I keep trying to do that…. It’s just not working right now… luckily the boyfriend is starting to help out quite a bit and not get so short with me, and just ignoring my outbursts towards him as personal, and being loving and supportive.. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Some of the good things that have happened for you: 1. Your Mum is now making time for you. 2. Your Dad is getting a web cam so you can actually "see" him even when he isn’t there. 3. Your boyfriends parents are there for you. 4. You have a very understanding and considerate boyfriend. 5. You have realised that you can get a different job. 6. You have decided to move as soon as you can. These are all good things Brooke. Everything is not as black as you "allow" yourself to believe. I will tell you again, You are a good person and I value your friendship ! Much love from Carol..x

I value your friendship very much as well Carol, and as always thank you for the advice. You’re always so wonderful with that. You and so  many others here at ASAP… Thank you everyone! Much Love, Brooke

Response:

Well, it didn’t last long, because I didn’t make it to work this morning, I feel like a big shithead, and I’m letting everything consume me, so back to the dog days for me, I can’t take this much longer.

The ups and downs when dealing with an anxiety disorder suck! You aren`t a shithead, you`re just a really nice person who has the misfortune of having a really pain in the ass disorder. I will not allow you to beat yourself up like this, you hear? Had I posted today about not being able to go to work because of my anxiety, you would`ve been very supportive and care and compassion that you give so freely to others. It will get Jackie We cannot be happy if we expect to live all the time at the highest peak of intensity. Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony. ~ Thomas Merton

Response:

Hey everyone,     Well, it’s a cold day in hell, because I’ve actually had a decent day and am very much looking forward to making tomorrow very similar (as long as I can get up for work <fingers crossed) work will be relatively easy tomorrow since the boss is "getting arrested" for Jerry’s Kids (MDA) and that happens at 9am, and his son (the other boss) is going with him to take pictures. So, I’ll pretty much alone from 9am till about 1 or 2, and I leave at 3:30, so it should be a relatively peaceful day <fingers crossed.     I did take the day off today (because I had a mid afternoon appointment and it really wasn’t worth it to drive all the way up to work for 3 and 1/2 hours, that I’ll have caught up in no time tomorrow morning.), plus I’d finished EVERYTHING possible that they could have wanted on Monday and had them all prepped for what was happening today, meetings, etc (which was another reason I didn’t feel guilty about not going to work, they both were going to be out of the office in meetings today.)     I’m also dealing with a few of my problems the best way I can. The loneliness issue is something I’m just going to have to face, although my mom is making a point that we’re going out on Friday nights (since the boyfriend, server/bartender, 99.9% of the time works Friday nights) and Saturday afternoons I’m going to spend more time with Mom… until I can cultivate a group of friends of my own… but I won’t shut my mom out. Dad is getting a new digital camera, and sending me money to get a webcam so we can talk to each other over the internet, and see each other, so I think that will help quite a bit. Plus, the boyfriend had a talk with his parents about the problem, and they are coming back to the bedroom more often just to chat for a few minutes just chill, then we go back to whatever we were doing, and a few times the boyfriend’s dad has gathered up all my stuff and relocated me to the living room to be in there with them, especially when I’m not working on the computer.     I called the pdoc’s office for guidance with the meds and got no where. He wants to see me before we increase any dosages (com’on people I feel like they’ve bottomed out on me, it kinda sucks), so I’ve got to wait till my appointment on the 11th, so I’m just hanging on, and the boyfriend and mom are being as supportive as possible until I can get there, thank God.     I’m also working on finding a new job. I’ve decided to slow down a bit, and give myself enough time to make sure everything is perfect, and I’m going to mail them out on Friday so they are on everyone’s desks come Monday morning. Hopefully this is a good plan. I’ve just got to get out of this environment.     Thank you everyone for your support, and for those of you who don’t know my current meds are 100mg of Zoloft per day, 4mg of Xanax per day, and then the car accident stuff is lortab 7.5mg as needed for pain, and Skelaxin 3 times per day. If anyone has any suggestions for me to approach my pdoc with at my appointment I would greatly appreciate it. I’m demanding Ambien for sleep, if I have to scream and holler for it, I’m sick and tired of not getting any freaking sleep! I don’t care about the appetite thing, I could stand to loose another thirty pounds or so. I want the depression and anxiety to calm down… I just don’t know what else to look into. So all help is appreciated.     Hopefully this is the start for a turn for the better, and I’ll be able to be much more supportive around here. I do read the posts, just am running out of time to reply. I hope everything is doing better… Carol, keep that chin up… Jackie, how do you stay so perky?… Cheryl, I know hunny, I know….. and everyone else.. we can get better, I’m trying a new determination technique… we’ll see how long it lasts     Thank you everyone here at ASAP you all are the greatest group of friends anyone could have. Much Love, Brooke

Response:

Well, it didn’t last long, because I didn’t make it to work this morning, I feel like a big shithead, and I’m letting everything consume me, so back to the dog days for me, I can’t take this much longer. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey everyone,     Well, it’s a cold day in hell, because I’ve actually had a decent day and am very much looking forward to making tomorrow very similar (as long as I can get up for work <fingers crossed) work will be relatively easy tomorrow since the boss is "getting arrested" for Jerry’s Kids (MDA) and that happens at 9am, and his son (the other boss) is going with him to take pictures. So, I’ll pretty much alone from 9am till about 1 or 2, and I leave at 3:30, so it should be a relatively peaceful day <fingers crossed.     I did take the day off today (because I had a mid afternoon appointment and it really wasn’t worth it to drive all the way up to work for 3 and 1/2 hours, that I’ll have caught up in no time tomorrow morning.), plus I’d finished EVERYTHING possible that they could have wanted on Monday and had them all prepped for what was happening today, meetings, etc (which was another reason I didn’t feel guilty about not going to work, they both were going to be out of the office in meetings today.)     I’m also dealing with a few of my problems the best way I can. The loneliness issue is something I’m just going to have to face, although my mom is making a point that we’re going out on Friday nights (since the boyfriend, server/bartender, 99.9% of the time works Friday nights) and Saturday afternoons I’m going to spend more time with Mom… until I can cultivate a group of friends of my own… but I won’t shut my mom out. Dad is getting a new digital camera, and sending me money to get a webcam so we can talk to each other over the internet, and see each other, so I think that will help quite a bit. Plus, the boyfriend had a talk with his parents about the problem, and they are coming back to the bedroom more often just to chat for a few minutes just chill, then we go back to whatever we were doing, and a few times the boyfriend’s dad has gathered up all my stuff and relocated me to the living room to be in there with them, especially when I’m not working on the computer.     I called the pdoc’s office for guidance with the meds and got no where. He wants to see me before we increase any dosages (com’on people I feel like they’ve bottomed out on me, it kinda sucks), so I’ve got to wait till my appointment on the 11th, so I’m just hanging on, and the boyfriend and mom are being as supportive as possible until I can get there, thank God.     I’m also working on finding a new job. I’ve decided to slow down a bit, and give myself enough time to make sure everything is perfect, and I’m going to mail them out on Friday so they are on everyone’s desks come Monday morning. Hopefully this is a good plan. I’ve just got to get out of this environment.     Thank you everyone for your support, and for those of you who don’t know my current meds are 100mg of Zoloft per day, 4mg of Xanax per day, and then the car accident stuff is lortab 7.5mg as needed for pain, and Skelaxin 3 times per day. If anyone has any suggestions for me to approach my pdoc with at my appointment I would greatly appreciate it. I’m demanding Ambien for sleep, if I have to scream and holler for it, I’m sick and tired of not getting any freaking sleep! I don’t care about the appetite thing, I could stand to loose another thirty pounds or so. I want the depression and anxiety to calm down… I just don’t know what else to look into. So all help is appreciated.     Hopefully this is the start for a turn for the better, and I’ll be able to be much more supportive around here. I do read the posts, just am running out of time to reply. I hope everything is doing better… Carol, keep that chin up… Jackie, how do you stay so perky?… Cheryl, I know hunny, I know….. and everyone else.. we can get better, I’m trying a new determination technique… we’ll see how long it lasts     Thank you everyone here at ASAP you all are the greatest group of friends anyone could have. Much Love, Brooke

Response:

Hi Brooke! You sound really great.  I hope you find another job soon and get out of that place.  It sounds like the *in-laws* are coming around.  This is good too.  Please have a nice day without your boss.  :-)  {{{{{Brooke}}}}} Di – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey everyone,     Well, it’s a cold day in hell, because I’ve actually had a decent day and am very much looking forward to making tomorrow very similar (as long as I can get up for work <fingers crossed) work will be relatively easy tomorrow since the boss is "getting arrested" for Jerry’s Kids (MDA) and that happens at 9am, and his son (the other boss) is going with him to take pictures. So, I’ll pretty much alone from 9am till about 1 or 2, and I leave at 3:30, so it should be a relatively peaceful day <fingers crossed.     I did take the day off today (because I had a mid afternoon appointment and it really wasn’t worth it to drive all the way up to work for 3 and 1/2 hours, that I’ll have caught up in no time tomorrow morning.), plus I’d finished EVERYTHING possible that they could have wanted on Monday and had them all prepped for what was happening today, meetings, etc (which was another reason I didn’t feel guilty about not going to work, they both were going to be out of the office in meetings today.)     I’m also dealing with a few of my problems the best way I can. The loneliness issue is something I’m just going to have to face, although my mom is making a point that we’re going out on Friday nights (since the boyfriend, server/bartender, 99.9% of the time works Friday nights) and Saturday afternoons I’m going to spend more time with Mom… until I can cultivate a group of friends of my own… but I won’t shut my mom out. Dad is getting a new digital camera, and sending me money to get a webcam so we can talk to each other over the internet, and see each other, so I think that will help quite a bit. Plus, the boyfriend had a talk with his parents about the problem, and they are coming back to the bedroom more often just to chat for a few minutes just chill, then we go back to whatever we were doing, and a few times the boyfriend’s dad has gathered up all my stuff and relocated me to the living room to be in there with them, especially when I’m not working on the computer.     I called the pdoc’s office for guidance with the meds and got no where. He wants to see me before we increase any dosages (com’on people I feel like they’ve bottomed out on me, it kinda sucks), so I’ve got to wait till my appointment on the 11th, so I’m just hanging on, and the boyfriend and mom are being as supportive as possible until I can get there, thank God.     I’m also working on finding a new job. I’ve decided to slow down a bit, and give myself enough time to make sure everything is perfect, and I’m going to mail them out on Friday so they are on everyone’s desks come Monday morning. Hopefully this is a good plan. I’ve just got to get out of this environment.     Thank you everyone for your support, and for those of you who don’t know my current meds are 100mg of Zoloft per day, 4mg of Xanax per day, and then the car accident stuff is lortab 7.5mg as needed for pain, and Skelaxin 3 times per day. If anyone has any suggestions for me to approach my pdoc with at my appointment I would greatly appreciate it. I’m demanding Ambien for sleep, if I have to scream and holler for it, I’m sick and tired of not getting any freaking sleep! I don’t care about the appetite thing, I could stand to loose another thirty pounds or so. I want the depression and anxiety to calm down… I just don’t know what else to look into. So all help is appreciated.     Hopefully this is the start for a turn for the better, and I’ll be able to be much more supportive around here. I do read the posts, just am running out of time to reply. I hope everything is doing better… Carol, keep that chin up… Jackie, how do you stay so perky?… Cheryl, I know hunny, I know….. and everyone else.. we can get better, I’m trying a new determination technique… we’ll see how long it lasts     Thank you everyone here at ASAP you all are the greatest group of friends anyone could have. Much Love, Brooke

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness Depression

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