Lonely Loneliness

I don't deserve anything

Question:

Don’t anybody respond to this either, because it doesnt matter what anyone says anyways because I’m the only one here who knows me.  I just need to vent for a few minutes.

If it helps, feel free to do it more often. You don’t only help yourself with it, but others as well. X/X Your Friend – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –  Everything in my life is just fucked up.  Thats all their is to it.  But what else should I expect? Why should I expect to have anything go right for me?  It never has, so why start now.  What made me think that I could cope with this new job.  I’ve only been there two weeks and I feel like I want some time off already.  And I was off for five weeks before this.  Its too much. What made me think that this guy really cared about me.  Why would he? Really.  I should have known that it wasn’t going to last.  But I trusted him and then he crushed me.  I’ve been fighting off tears all day.  I can’t even cry right.  I just want to sleep.  I want to hurt. I can’t even think in a positive light.  I’ll just be happy to die tonight.  I even conned my doctor into giving me some sleeping pills because I’ve been having trouble sleeping.  IM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE IM TOO MUCH OF A CHICKEN!!!!!  Its just nice to know that it is there.  The doctor gave me some samples of Prozac so that I could go back on my meds.  They should last me about two months and then we’ll go from there. It doesn’t matter.  I’m already dead.  Seriously,  I swear, I will never, ever, ever trust another person in my entire life.  I will never give my heart to someone again. Thats over.  Never.  Not that anyone else is going to ask for it. Obviously this person who asked for it didnt’ really want it.  So why should I trust anyone else to want me?  Nobody.  I can’t do this anymore.  Something has to break. I knew that it was coming.  I said just the other night that things were going too good.  I should have braced myself for something, but it came in hurricane sized waves and dragged me under.  Oh well.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I guess it just proves to me that I don’t deserve to have anything good happen to me.  Whatever. jana

Response:

Don’t anybody respond to this either, because it doesnt matter what anyone says anyways because I’m the only one here who knows me.  I just need to vent for a few minutes.  Everything in my life is just fucked up.  Thats all their is to it.

-snip- I know I am not following orders, but, why start now?  True, nobody knows you as well as you do.  However, I can relate quite easily to feeling worthless and woefully inadequate at managing life. I recently split with from a long time relationship and sometimes hurting is the only option for awhile. If you need to vent, talk or just bitch, please feel free to email. bailey

Response:

Don’t anybody respond to this either, because it doesnt matter what anyone says anyways because I’m the only one here who knows me.  I

well, I’m working on my rebel tendencies, so… CAS

Response:

Dear Jana, In regard to, "I don’t deserve anything"–that’s the depression speaking for you.  Didn’t help that you got booted by the mental health (in my opinion) thugs and jilted by another untrustworthy guy.  Remember, Jana, you were the counselor who really tried to help people, and sometimes you really did help?  Memory so short?  That’s because the depression is doing all the talking now.  People who lose jobs unfairly and who get dumped by sweet-talking jerks ALL feel awful for quite awhile.  The difference between them and us is that they do not have the vulnerability to clinical depression like we do. That does not mean that we somehow do not deserve to be treated decently.  It just means we get treated just as bad as all the normal people with career or personal disasters–except we get to pay worse than they do  without our extended suffering from the depression.  And of course, we get dumped on more often because of the stigmatizing of us due to our illness.  Please, let’s try not to stigmatize ourselves.  You are not an unworthy person.  Whatever mistakes you may have made in life–and we all have made lots–it’s a safe bet that you are a far better person than the people who have wronged you the most.  What all this misfortune proves is that you are a person who cares, who feels, who can be hurt deeply.  That’s a pretty good person by most definitions. Jana, you do deserve a lot of good to happen to you.  Take those Prozac faithfully, and if you run out, there are resources for getting more.  Only take those sleeping pills as directed to try to get some better sleep.  No pill though is going to put the guy probably not worth trusting in the first place out of your mind.  You gotta put him aside, boot him off to another mental universe somewhere, and stop blaming yourself for wanting to be cared about sincerely.  So, he wasn’t sincere.  I have known several of those in my 54 years. It hurts like hell when it happens.  It was the book, "Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them," that cured me of a lot of that tendency to be attracted to those types.  I even dumped one before he got a chance to control or dump me–in spite of the looks, the money, the kids he wanted a step-mom for, and my at the time longterm loneliness.  It’s hard to be alone, but it is better than being with the wrong person. Oh well, now I can say that, because I have a wonderful husband–known him since 1991 and married since 1995.  Jana, you were the one wronged by the bosses and the man.  Please, please, Dear, you do deserve just as much as any decent person with depression to have good things happen to you for a change.  You are sincere in your desires to help others and to find a true life partner.  The awful pain you are feeling is not going to disappear immediately of course–and it would not even if you did not have medical depression–but you can and will feel better again.  You deserve it.   Suzanne Nicole "Mental Health Recovery Sources" Website for Mental Health Consumers at — My Home Page – http://members.aol.com/SuzaNicole (free answers available for many practical concerns & links to expert sites online)

Response:

Don’t anybody respond to this either, because it doesnt matter what anyone says anyways because I’m the only one here who knows me.  I just need to vent for a few minutes.  Everything in my life is just fucked up.  Thats all their is to it.  But what else should I expect? Why should I expect to have anything go right for me?  It never has, so why start now.  What made me think that I could cope with this new job.  I’ve only been there two weeks and I feel like I want some time off already.  And I was off for five weeks before this.  Its too much. What made me think that this guy really cared about me.  Why would he? Really.  I should have known that it wasn’t going to last.  But I trusted him and then he crushed me.  I’ve been fighting off tears all day.  I can’t even cry right.  I just want to sleep.  I want to hurt. I can’t even think in a positive light.  I’ll just be happy to die tonight.  I even conned my doctor into giving me some sleeping pills because I’ve been having trouble sleeping.  IM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING BECAUSE IM TOO MUCH OF A CHICKEN!!!!!  Its just nice to know that it is there.  The doctor gave me some samples of Prozac so that I could go back on my meds.  They should last me about two months and then we’ll go from there. It doesn’t matter.  I’m already dead.  Seriously,  I swear, I will never, ever, ever trust another person in my entire life.  I will never give my heart to someone again. Thats over.  Never.  Not that anyone else is going to ask for it. Obviously this person who asked for it didnt’ really want it.  So why should I trust anyone else to want me?  Nobody.  I can’t do this anymore.  Something has to break. I knew that it was coming.  I said just the other night that things were going too good.  I should have braced myself for something, but it came in hurricane sized waves and dragged me under.  Oh well.  I guess.  I don’t know.  I guess it just proves to me that I don’t deserve to have anything good happen to me.  Whatever. jana

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness Depression

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