lack of intimacy…

Question:

I could write volumes of text on what I feel I’m now missing in my life because my husband has walked out, but more often than not, the one thing that keeps coming up to the top of the list is the lack of intimate contact. I don’t mean JUST sex, although that is a huge one, but I miss holding hands and cuddling and touching eachother as we would pass through a room. Sitting close to watch TV. Laying on him in bed to fall asleep… him laying on me. A hug from my brothers is nice, but NOT QUITE THE SAME. Does the longing for physical touch get easier to tolerate as time goes on, or worse?! I certainly don’t want to get involved in another relationship right now because I’m still in love with my husband, but there’s part of me that thinks, "Hmmm… casual sex is soundin’ pretty good!" I’ve been warned left and right that I would feel worse about myself if I did that, but I think about how I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than how my husband made me feel. If the one person on earth I trusted and valued more than any other could use me and betray me, then some casual rendevous couldn’t possibly affect me worse. I couldn’t possibly feel more used than I do right now. Does this absence of physical love become bearable? Or am I actually going to get to the point of climbing the walls?! I’ve never climbed the walls before, but I think I may be heading in that direction! I don’t want to sound like a nymphomaniac, because that’s not what it is. I can’t be the only one who focuses on this aspect. With all the other horrible things involved with a divorce it seems that this should be the last thing on my mind, but I am sooo lonely and I just want to feel good for one minute… well, at least an hour! ;-) Colleene * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful

Response:

This lack of intimate contact certainly had a major impact on me. For the last several years of our marriage, my ex wouldn’t let me touch her. And I mean a touch on the shoulder in the kitchen or run my hand down her arm as we met in the hall. And sex? I had forgotten how good it could be. This is only a part of why I left, but it sure left a big hole in me. My story does have happier side – I have been separated 3 years and a year ago I met a wonderful woman and things have been going great ever since. — Joseph Knecht Magister Ludi

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Response:

Colleene asked: Does the longing for physical touch get easier to tolerate as time goes on, or

worse?! My ex and I were not "initmate" for a long time before we even separated let alone divorced. And, yet, I remember the thing that I missed most, and for the longest time, was having someone to sleep with — not to have sex with but just to be there when I rolled over or reached out in the middle of the night. It was an empty feeling. For me, I had 3 small children to take care of and a demanding full-time job, so I was able to repress those feelings. In time, it got easier. When I met my current husband, I chose someone who is much more cuddly, intimate, touchy-feely than my first husband ever was, and it has been nice. So, I guess, in the long run, it was well worth the wait — for me that wait was 5 years down the line….. And, I agree that "casual sex", while certainly serving certain purposes, is not going to fill the void that you are feeling — that kind of intimacy is only found in a "real" relationship. I did my share of "casual sex" before I met my husband, and it is not the same. Good luck! Didi Mother of 3 (almost 4), step-mother of 1 "A dead thing can go with a stream, only a living thing can go against it." G.K. Chesterton

Response:

Towards the end, I was most missing this from my ex, and we had not even *had* sex, in the last five months of the marriage. Lots of reasons for that, but that’s another topic. A hug from my brothers is nice, but NOT QUITE THE SAME. Does the longing for physical touch get easier to tolerate as time goes on, or worse?! I certainly don’t want to get involved in another relationship right now because I’m still in love with my husband, but there’s part of me that thinks, "Hmmm… casual sex is soundin’ pretty good!" I’ve been warned left and right that I would feel worse about myself if I did that, but I think about how I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than how my husband made me feel. If the one person on earth I trusted and valued more than any other could use me and betray me, then some casual rendevous couldn’t possibly affect me worse. I couldn’t possibly feel more used than I do right now.

A lot of that depends on what you feel for your ex, and what you feel about having such intimate contact with him, were the opportunity to avail itself. If you still want to be that close with him, then, as long as you feel that way, its not likely that you will want to feel that with someone else, for whatever reason. As for casual sex, I am a proponent for it ( and, not just because I am a guy. I’m in a commited relationship now, so nothing that I can " make " happen, by talking about this, can affect my status ), for several reasons. But, the one thing that healthy casual sex, and those engaging in it, have to include is honesty, both in the moment, and in what it may, or may not, mean beyond the moment. If you are with a guy, and both of you want to enjoy each other, and no one lies about the possible duration of the rendezvous, then thats fine. Where casual sex gets it’s black eye from, is from folks who lie about what will, or won’t, come afterwards. " I’ll call you ", f’r instance. If you don’t intend to, then don’t say that. This goes for both men and women, of course. When that area of misunderstanding is removed, then both parties can keep up a friendship, even after their mutual desire to boink has ended. As I value friendship very highly, I think that that makes it possible to have the best of both worlds. Speaking now solely for myself, I had several encounters, over the span of time following my separation. The first ones weren’t very intense, but they were a significant proof to a very battered ego, that even with all that was happening, that a woman could still find me attractive, in a way that is clear to most men. That was a good thing for me, and for my recovery process. Later on, as I was in better shape, I could partake of more involved situations, with no one masking what they felt, or thought, or intended. Thus, I came through all that, with no harm to me, and rather a great benefit as to the meanings of said intimacies, and with no harm to those I was with ( as, in most cases, I was not the initiator ). Does this absence of physical love become bearable? Or am I actually going to get to the point of climbing the walls?! I’ve never climbed the walls before, but I think I may be heading in that direction! I don’t want to sound like a nymphomaniac, because that’s not what it is. I can’t be the only one who focuses on this aspect. With all the other horrible things involved with a divorce it seems that this should be the last thing on my mind, but I am sooo lonely and I just want to feel good for one minute… well, at least an hour! ;-)

Colleene, you’re surely not the only person feeling as you do. ( Even if you were, so what ? Be your feelings common, or not, they are still *your* feelings, and ought to be properly understood ) In some ways, I would say that you feel like " climbing the walls " is to me, a suggestion that you are recovering, as when I was at my deepest points of post-sep depressions, I had very little interest. So, that could be a good thing for you. What it basically comes back to, is what do you want, and what are you prepared to do, in order to get it ? I can’t much help you as to where you might find a good guy, with whom to have some warm and fun times with, but, if my experiences are anything to go by, I’d say that there are plenty of congenial people out there, who are also, at this time, not wanting a full ltr. And, there surely is nothing wrong with a woman acknowledging that she enjoys sex, and wants some, during a time when she is " without ". That doesn’t make you a " nympho ". <g That makes you *healthy*. Apologise not for that. Colleene

Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness " David Gelernter, " 1939 "

Response:

Hi Colleene, As I have said before, casual sex DOES have its place! IMHO, you MUST be up front that you are simply looking for an occassional roll in the hay – no strings. The main problem you are likely to run into is if the men you associate with are either not being honest with you or, possibly, not being honest with themselves! If someone starts to try and force you into any type of situation YOU are not comfortable with, then be prepared to bail – FAST! Also remember SAFE SEX! You can never be too careful! You can also make it clear that you are looking for physical intimacy (ie heavy petting) without going "all the way". Please do NOT be affraid to ask for what you want. Be honest, forthright, and speak with clarity from within. (Note: You may want some councelling to help give you that clarity, OK?) Honestly evaluate the offers you receive, and proceed with caution! You will have to get back in the saddle sometime, no time like the present! If the men cannot handle your honesty or your boundaries, then they do not deserve to be intimate with you in any way! I too, was starved for intimacy in my marriage. Other than the last month or two of the marriage, we had not had sex in over 5 years. If I went to kiss her hello or good-bye, she would screw her face up like she was being given Buckley’s Mixture or something and turning her head to one side so I could not kiss her on the lips. Yet, she insisted that I keep kissing her! I used to rub her feet out of love. When I was tired one day and did not want to do it she flipped! After that, it bacame one of my many chores (like taking the dog for a walk)! Hey, maybe I should have put the leash on her! Hmmmm….. Some people would disagree with me about my advice. However, I will stand my ground here! The first thing my lawyer told me was "Get on with your life! Go have some fun!" I was concerned about being seen with "other women" or dating. He again said "If she want out of town with another man, would you care at this point?". My Answer was "NO". His response "Then why should you care what she may think? Get on with your life!" The reality of single life is that sometimes we do not get all the intimacy we want. This is acute for you now because you had it for so long. As responsible adults, we have to take responsibility for our own needs. I see nothing wrong in seeking out what you need. Try not to hurt anyone and be aware that you may be hurt. Of course you risk great pain. You also risk great joy! It’s sort of like playing the lottery, one thing IS certain – if you do NOT buy a ticket, you CANNOT win! Best of Luck, e-mail any time. Lloyd – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I could write volumes of text on what I feel I’m now missing in my life because my husband has walked out, but more often than not, the one thing that keeps coming up to the top of the list is the lack of intimate contact. I don’t mean JUST sex, although that is a huge one, but I miss holding hands and cuddling and touching eachother as we would pass through a room. Sitting close to watch TV. Laying on him in bed to fall asleep… him laying on me. A hug from my brothers is nice, but NOT QUITE THE SAME. Does the longing for physical touch get easier to tolerate as time goes on, or worse?! I certainly don’t want to get involved in another relationship right now because I’m still in love with my husband, but there’s part of me that thinks, "Hmmm… casual sex is soundin’ pretty good!" I’ve been warned left and right that I would feel worse about myself if I did that, but I think about how I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than how my husband made me feel. If the one person on earth I trusted and valued more than any other could use me and betray me, then some casual rendevous couldn’t possibly affect me worse. I couldn’t possibly feel more used than I do right now. Does this absence of physical love become bearable? Or am I actually going to get to the point of climbing the walls?! I’ve never climbed the walls before, but I think I may be heading in that direction! I don’t want to sound like a nymphomaniac, because that’s not what it is. I can’t be the only one who focuses on this aspect. With all the other horrible things involved with a divorce it seems that this should be the last thing on my mind, but I am sooo lonely and I just want to feel good for one minute… well, at least an hour! ;-) Colleene * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also

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Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I could write volumes of text on what I feel I’m now missing in my life because my husband has walked out, but more often than not, the one thing that keeps coming up to the top of the list is the lack of intimate contact. I don’t mean JUST sex, although that is a huge one, but I miss holding hands and cuddling and touching eachother as we would pass through a room. Sitting close to watch TV. Laying on him in bed to fall asleep… him laying on me. A hug from my brothers is nice, but NOT QUITE THE SAME. Does the longing for physical touch get easier to tolerate as time goes on, or worse?! I certainly don’t want to get involved in another relationship right now because I’m still in love with my husband, but there’s part of me that thinks, "Hmmm… casual sex is soundin’ pretty good!" I’ve been warned left and right that I would feel worse about myself if I did that, but I think about how I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than how my husband made me feel. If the one person on earth I trusted and valued more than any other could use me and betray me, then some casual rendevous couldn’t possibly affect me worse. I couldn’t possibly feel more used than I do right now. Does this absence of physical love become bearable? Or am I actually going to get to the point of climbing the walls?! I’ve never climbed the walls before, but I think I may be heading in that direction! I don’t want to sound like a nymphomaniac, because that’s not what it is. I can’t be the only one who focuses on this aspect. With all the other horrible things involved with a divorce it seems that this should be the last thing on my mind, but I am sooo lonely and I just want to feel good for one minute… well, at least an hour! ;-) Colleene

You sound very normal and lonely… I, too, missed that intimacy DURING my marriage, for over a decade… Longing to be touched, just as you described, and not to mention the daily need for sexual gratification… But it just wasn’t existent in my marriage, and the fact that i WAS married made it impossible to look elsewhere (since i didn’t/don’t believe in cheating)… My therapist told me it took its toll on me and manifested as depression, and a host of other physical problems that followed (including, possibly, cancer).. She explained that it emotionally kills you (loneliness) and then goes for physically… I let it go way too long, i guess.. Don’t you… As for "casual" sex, i felt the same way as you, and when i moved out on my own and became legally separated, i started dating. But i found intimacy without emotional attachment to leave me feeling worse, MORE lonely and empty, afterwards…. But i have known of people, including women, who ARE able to handle these types of encounters… It just depends on you… I won’t judge others in this aspect, but personally, a non-commited, non-monogamous relationship is not for me…

Response:

Didi~ Honestly… did the casual sex you experienced before you met your husband (I’m assuming you mean your new husband) make you feel better about yourself or worse? Honestly. As Andre said in his reply to this post, it made him feel more worthy… that a woman could find him attractive and want to be with him. He said that it helped his recovery. That’s the same way I’m thinking. I KNOW that I have to feel good about myself on my own… but there’s a whole chunk of sexuality in our lives that cannot be dealt with by ourselves. After such rejection, I just want to know that someone else could find me attractive. I don’t feel badly about myself… I don’t feel disgusting… but I don’t feel like all my needs are being met, either. As a woman, how did casual sex affect you? And I’m glad to hear that you’ve found the person you were meant to be with. Congratulations on your upcoming new little person. It gives me hope. Colleene * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful

Response:

I don’t think you would enjoy casual sex. You’re romantic/emotional and you’d bond with a man if you have sex. I think you would bond instantly. The man, on the other hand, would just be using you. I think it would be disastrous. My advice for what it’s worth is to sleep with stuffed animals and masturbate a lot. Also don’t dwell on the stuff you’re missing but focus on new, exciting things you’re doing. Karen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I could write volumes of text on what I feel I’m now missing in my life because my husband has walked out, but more often than not, the one thing that keeps coming up to the top of the list is the lack of intimate contact. I don’t mean JUST sex, although that is a huge one, but I miss holding hands and cuddling and touching eachother as we would pass through a room. Sitting close to watch TV. Laying on him in bed to fall asleep… him laying on me. A hug from my brothers is nice, but NOT QUITE THE SAME. Does the longing for physical touch get easier to tolerate as time goes on, or worse?! I certainly don’t want to get involved in another relationship right now because I’m still in love with my husband, but there’s part of me that thinks, "Hmmm… casual sex is soundin’ pretty good!" I’ve been warned left and right that I would feel worse about myself if I did that, but I think about how I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than how my husband made me feel. If the one person on earth I trusted and valued more than any other could use me and betray me, then some casual rendevous couldn’t possibly affect me worse. I couldn’t possibly feel more used than I do right now. Does this absence of physical love become bearable? Or am I actually going to get to the point of climbing the walls?! I’ve never climbed the walls before, but I think I may be heading in that direction! I don’t want to sound like a nymphomaniac, because that’s not what it is. I can’t be the only one who focuses on this aspect. With all the other horrible things involved with a divorce it seems that this should be the last thing on my mind, but I am sooo lonely and I just want to feel good for one minute… well, at least an hour! ;-) Colleene * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful

Response:

Many other posters have addressed the issue of casual sex, so I won’t add much there, except to says that, IMHO, how you feel *after* a "casual sex" encounter probably depends largely on how you feel beforehand, going into it. If you feel like it’s really something you shouldn’t be doing, but are giving in to your sexual needs, then you’re likely to come out with an overall negative experience. And no one else can tell you whether or not casual sex is "right" for you. The thing I’d like to focus on is, more generally, what broader "needs" are served by MF relationships (casual or serious), and other ways you can fulfill those needs, at least partially, and at least enough to keep from climbing the walls. First–I’d say that it gets easier with time to cope with a sexual dry spell. Not that there aren’t ups and downs, but in general, you *can* learn to live with it (or without it, more accurately). And a few things that help are precisely figuring out how to get sensual pleasure and emotional connections (the broad needs filled by intimate relations) in other, non-sexual ways. For example, this may sound corny, but I try every day to spend at least some time focusing on sensual (which does not mean sexual, but rather "related to the senses") pleasures. Pleasurable smells, like lilacs or fresh coffee. Pleasurable sights, like a blooming flowerbed. Tactile pleasures, like a hug from my children or fresh clean sheets. When you find something that makes you feel good, allow yourself to focus on it for a while, and focus on that good feeling. Look at this as an opportunity to hone your receptiveness to other physical pleasures in the world. And secondly–the other thing that we get from intimate relationships is a sense of human connection. Again, you can look at this as an opportunity to refine your skills in that area, in nonsexual ways. Whether that means taking the time to deepen connections with friends, or with relatives, or your children…if being without a romantic partner makes you feel lonely and isolated, there are ways to combat that that don’t necessarily involve finding another romantic partner. A third thing that many get from intimate relationships is the joy of loving and being loved–taking care of someone and feeling taken care of. My recommendation above covers part of that, but also take the opportunity to practice loving yourself, and taking care of yourself. It’s immensely pleasurable to do something nice for someone else. Discover the immense pleasure in doing something nice for yourself–free of guilt, and recognizing that you *do* deserve to do nice things for yourself. Finally, in the long run, I think you’ll find that the skills and habits you can acquire from this exercise in finding sensual pleasure and human connection in non-sexual ways will definitely serve you well when you get to the point where you are in fact ready to re-enter the world of sexual/intimate relationships. |Kathy Litherland | People make their own history, but No hacemos el amor;|Dept. of Anthro | they do not make it under El nos hace |U. of Illinois | circumstances of their own choosing

Response:

Colleene asked: Honestly… did the casual sex you experienced before you met your husband

(I’m assuming you mean your new husband) make you feel better about yourself or worse? Honestly. It bolstered my self esteem a great deal to know that men found me attractive, but that didn’t solve the initimacy issue. Casual sex partners are not "intimate" relationships — they’re just sex playmates. I yearned for someone to really share and grow with. My situation, however, was that I was a young, divorced mother of 3, so most of the men my age had never been married before and couldn’t relate to the whole parenting scene. It didn’t deter their interest, but they weren’t "realistic" situations. As a woman, how did casual sex affect you?

It felt good, temporarily. I was a virgin when I met my ex, and so there was a whole world out there for me to explore, sexually. But, again, these interactions did not do anything for my feelings of emptiness regarding an intimate relationship. And I’m glad to hear that you’ve found the person you were meant to be with.

Congratulations on your upcoming new little person. It gives me hope. Thank you — I didn’t think that I would ever get married again, but when you meet the "right" person, it just happens… I think that, too, your priorities change when you start looking for "marital" qualities the second time around. This time, I am pretty confident that it is for real. <knock on wood Didi Mother of 3 (almost 4), step-mother of 1 "A dead thing can go with a stream, only a living thing can go against it." G.K. Chesterton

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I could write volumes of text on what I feel I’m now missing in my life because my husband has walked out, but more often than not, the one thing that keeps coming up to the top of the list is the lack of intimate contact. I don’t mean JUST sex, although that is a huge one, but I miss holding hands and cuddling and touching eachother as we would pass through a room. Sitting close to watch TV. Laying on him in bed to fall asleep… him laying on me. A hug from my brothers is nice, but NOT QUITE THE SAME. Does the longing for physical touch get easier to tolerate as time goes on, or worse?! I certainly don’t want to get involved in another relationship right now because I’m still in love with my husband, but there’s part of me that thinks, "Hmmm… casual sex is soundin’ pretty good!" I’ve been warned left and right that I would feel worse about myself if I did that, but I think about how I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than how my husband made me feel. If the one person on earth I trusted and valued more than any other could use me and betray me, then some casual rendevous couldn’t possibly affect me worse. I couldn’t possibly feel more used than I do right now. Does this absence of physical love become bearable? Or am I actually going to get to the point of climbing the walls?! I’ve never climbed the walls before, but I think I may be heading in that direction! I don’t want to sound like a nymphomaniac, because that’s not what it is. I can’t be the only one who focuses on this aspect. With all the other horrible things involved with a divorce it seems that this should be the last thing on my mind, but I am sooo lonely and I just want to feel good for one minute… well, at least an hour! ;-) Colleene You sound very normal and lonely… I, too, missed that intimacy DURING my marriage, for over a decade… Longing to be touched, just as you described, and not to mention the daily need for sexual gratification… But it just wasn’t existent in my marriage, and the fact that i WAS married made it impossible to look elsewhere (since i didn’t/don’t believe in cheating)… My therapist told me it took its toll on me and manifested as depression, and a host of other physical problems that followed (including, possibly, cancer).. She explained that it emotionally kills you (loneliness) and then goes for physically… I let it go way too long, i guess.. Don’t you… As for "casual" sex, i felt the same way as you, and when i moved out on my own and became legally separated, i started dating. But i found intimacy without emotional attachment to leave me feeling worse, MORE lonely and empty, afterwards…. But i have known of people, including women, who ARE able to handle these types of encounters… It just depends on you… I won’t judge others in this aspect, but personally, a non-commited, non-monogamous relationship is not for me…

I feel the same way about it. Sex without the emotional attachment isn’t for me either, but for some women it is. My own daughter calls me "old fashioned" because I don’t sleep around….lol. Sally

Response:

Heh, what do kids know? (spoken as an old expression, not intended literally, as kids know PLENTY!)

Response:

You could be right about Colleen. Then again, you might not. But, I do take issue with the notion that any man who were to have casual sex with Colleen would surely be " using her ". On what do you base that sexist conclusion, about a whole gender ? My advice for what it’s worth is to sleep with stuffed animals and masturbate a lot. Also don’t dwell on the stuff you’re missing but focus on new, exciting things you’re doing.

Just don’t masturbate *with* the stuffed animals… <g – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Karen I could write volumes of text on what I feel I’m now missing in my life because my husband has walked out, but more often than not, the one thing that keeps coming up to the top of the list is the lack of intimate contact. I don’t mean JUST sex, although that is a huge one, but I miss holding hands and cuddling and touching eachother as we would pass through a room. Sitting close to watch TV. Laying on him in bed to fall asleep… him laying on me. A hug from my brothers is nice, but NOT QUITE THE SAME. Does the longing for physical touch get easier to tolerate as time goes on, or worse?! I certainly don’t want to get involved in another relationship right now because I’m still in love with my husband, but there’s part of me that thinks, "Hmmm… casual sex is soundin’ pretty good!" I’ve been warned left and right that I would feel worse about myself if I did that, but I think about how I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than how my husband made me feel. If the one person on earth I trusted and valued more than any other could use me and betray me, then some casual rendevous couldn’t possibly affect me worse. I couldn’t possibly feel more used than I do right now. Does this absence of physical love become bearable? Or am I actually going to get to the point of climbing the walls?! I’ve never climbed the walls before, but I think I may be heading in that direction! I don’t want to sound like a nymphomaniac, because that’s not what it is. I can’t be the only one who focuses on this aspect. With all the other horrible things involved with a divorce it seems that this should be the last thing on my mind, but I am sooo lonely and I just want to feel good for one minute… well, at least an hour! ;-) Colleene

Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness " David Gelernter, " 1939 "

Response:

Let me add to this… It also helped me better understand that I had a lot to offer any good woman, including, but not limited to, sex. As much as my recovery was helped by finding that some women would find me that attractive, it was also a good thing to find out, in a very intimate way, that *I* had a lot to offer to said ladies, too. Mutuality, all around. That’s the same way I’m thinking. I KNOW that I have to feel good about myself on my own… but there’s a whole chunk of sexuality in our lives that cannot be dealt with by ourselves. After such rejection, I just want to know that someone else could find me attractive. I don’t feel badly about myself… I don’t feel disgusting… but I don’t feel like all my needs are being met, either. As a woman, how did casual sex affect you? And I’m glad to hear that you’ve found the person you were meant to be with. Congratulations on your upcoming new little person. It gives me hope. Colleene

Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness " David Gelernter, " 1939 "

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I could write volumes of text on what I feel I’m now missing in my life because my husband has walked out, but more often than not, the one thing that keeps coming up to the top of the list is the lack of intimate contact. I don’t mean JUST sex, although that is a huge one, but I miss holding hands and cuddling and touching eachother as we would pass through a room. Sitting close to watch TV. Laying on him in bed to fall asleep… him laying on me. A hug from my brothers is nice, but NOT QUITE THE SAME. Does the longing for physical touch get easier to tolerate as time goes on, or worse?! I certainly don’t want to get involved in another relationship right now because I’m still in love with my husband, but there’s part of me that thinks, "Hmmm… casual sex is soundin’ pretty good!" I’ve been warned left and right that I would feel worse about myself if I did that, but I think about how I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than how my husband made me feel. If the one person on earth I trusted and valued more than any other could use me and betray me, then some casual rendevous couldn’t possibly affect me worse. I couldn’t possibly feel more used than I do right now. Does this absence of physical love become bearable? Or am I actually going to get to the point of climbing the walls?! I’ve never climbed the walls before, but I think I may be heading in that direction! I don’t want to sound like a nymphomaniac, because that’s not what it is. I can’t be the only one who focuses on this aspect. With all the other horrible things involved with a divorce it seems that this should be the last thing on my mind, but I am sooo lonely and I just want to feel good for one minute… well, at least an hour! ;-) Colleene You sound very normal and lonely… I, too, missed that intimacy DURING my marriage, for over a decade… Longing to be touched, just as you described, and not to mention the daily need for sexual gratification… But it just wasn’t existent in my marriage, and the fact that i WAS married made it impossible to look elsewhere (since i didn’t/don’t believe in cheating)… My therapist told me it took its toll on me and manifested as depression, and a host of other physical problems that followed (including, possibly, cancer).. She explained that it emotionally kills you (loneliness) and then goes for physically… I let it go way too long, i guess.. Don’t you… As for "casual" sex, i felt the same way as you, and when i moved out on my own and became legally separated, i started dating. But i found intimacy without emotional attachment to leave me feeling worse, MORE lonely and empty, afterwards…. But i have known of people, including women, who ARE able to handle these types of encounters… It just depends on you… I won’t judge others in this aspect, but personally, a non-commited, non-monogamous relationship is not for me… I feel the same way about it. Sex without the emotional attachment isn’t for me either, but for some women it is. My own daughter calls me "old fashioned" because I don’t sleep around….lol.

The problem here, is that some see this as an " either/or ", in that you are either intimate ( and, I don’t mean just sex ) with one, or with more than one, at times, when none of them are a committed relationship. I have rarely had sex with *no* emotional attachment, but I have had sex with varying levels of it, and differing types of emotional attachment, too. It depends on how one views this. As I’ve said, I still have passing freindships with some old partners, even though I am with one, now. And, the time will not come where I have to choose. In being a committed partner, my first committment is to my one. All others, former partners or not, come after her. Oh, and one can choose to be choosy with whom to have non marital sex with. Sleeping around implies " anyone will do ", which is surely not the case for anyone who is not my ex ( burn, but a factual one ). Sally

Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness " David Gelernter, " 1939 "

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My advice for what it’s worth is to sleep with stuffed animals and masturbate a lot. Also don’t dwell on the stuff you’re missing but focus on new, exciting things you’re doing. Just don’t masturbate *with* the stuffed animals… <g And why not?

Most of them won’t fit… either going in, or coming out… Do you want to be the one with a kermit toy up your… ? "Tickle-Me-Elmo" makes a particularly delightful snuggle-buddy.

Andre ( who prefers live partners ) — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness " David Gelernter, " 1939 "

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Just don’t masturbate *with* the stuffed animals… <g what about washable ones that vibrate?? (just kidding)

Hey, whetever floats your boat. I’m just worried about the kids, when they find Fluffy looking the worse for wear…<g Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness " David Gelernter, " 1939 "

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Hi Colleene, Casual sex may not take care of the intimate part for you. Casual sex can be just that, sex. No intimacy and that is when it can feel awful after. If there is intimacy be aware that one of you might think it is love. I always equate them and this is dangerous. Also there are so many different sexual partners, beware of knowing who you are with and what they expect as well as telling them what you expect if it is just going to casual. There are limits to peoples sexual adventurism and if there is no intimacy your partner may not respect your limits. Then there is always the concern of STD’s. Always protect yourself and easier said then done, discuss with partner. I find not all men are prepared, even in these days and some don’t even think twice. So come prepared yourself. Actually if they aren’t concerned, cross them off your list. Plus don’t be surprised to how unfulfilling some sexual partners can be. I realize now how very little measures up to 22 yrs of building a sexual relationship between two people. Other then that, we need certain things. I am not sure of your age, but if you are rounding 35 – 40 you may be going through your sexual peak, then we really need it. If you find yourself comfortable with someone why not share this. So is that Tickle me Elmo looking good? Take care and make good, conscious decisions. Have fun. Glos – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I could write volumes of text on what I feel I’m now missing in my life because my husband has walked out, but more often than not, the one thing that keeps coming up to the top of the list is the lack of intimate contact. I don’t mean JUST sex, although that is a huge one, but I miss holding hands and cuddling and touching eachother as we would pass through a room. Sitting close to watch TV. Laying on him in bed to fall asleep… him laying on me. A hug from my brothers is nice, but NOT QUITE THE SAME. Does the longing for physical touch get easier to tolerate as time goes on, or worse?! I certainly don’t want to get involved in another relationship right now because I’m still in love with my husband, but there’s part of me that thinks, "Hmmm… casual sex is soundin’ pretty good!" I’ve been warned left and right that I would feel worse about myself if I did that, but I think about how I couldn’t possibly feel any worse than how my husband made me feel. If the one person on earth I trusted and valued more than any other could use me and betray me, then some casual rendevous couldn’t possibly affect me worse. I couldn’t possibly feel more used than I do right now. Does this absence of physical love become bearable? Or am I actually going to get to the point of climbing the walls?! I’ve never climbed the walls before, but I think I may be heading in that direction! I don’t want to sound like a nymphomaniac, because that’s not what it is. I can’t be the only one who focuses on this aspect. With all the other horrible things involved with a divorce it seems that this should be the last thing on my mind, but I am sooo lonely and I just want to feel good for one minute… well, at least an hour! ;-) Colleene * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find

related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful

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<<You could be right about Colleen. Then again, you might not. Obviously this is my perception of her. I may be wrong but I doubt it. Oh, boy… The million dollar question I’ve been asking myself this evening is whether or not I’m too romantic to engage in casual sex without bonding. I think it’s two separate issues… for me, at least. I AM a romantic. This is for sure. I love romance. Wine and roses (carnations, if you’re wining and dining ME!) Walking hand in hand. Gazing at the moon. All that sappy stuff is right up my alley. But, romance comes after a time of getting to know someone. Romance is part of getting to know someone. I couldn’t bond with someone WITHOUT the romance… without that ‘click.’ A casual encounter would not be about romance and building a relationship. I honestly don’t think that I would be able to project real feelings onto someone if there was not a deeper connection there. I know this sounds absurd… I’m saying that sex is not necessarily a deep connection with someone. It’s the difference between making love and having sex. In a relationship, with the romance and the ‘click’, I would expect to bond during sex. But, without the relationship, it would be just sex. I wouldn’t feel that deep connection to the person. It would be purely physical. I don’t believe that I COULD bond with someone unless I had a whole person to connect with. I don’t know… I’ll let you know what happens if I ever get the opportunity to test my theory! Colleene * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful

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Just don’t masturbate *with* the stuffed animals… <g what about washable ones that vibrate?? (just kidding)

While touring a heritage home a couple weeks ago, I saw a sign posted which is relevant here…. "Masturbation… Because celebacy is NOT an option!" The woman who owns this house also had a "greek statue" light switch bezel in the bathroom. The light switch protruded through the genital area of the statue bezel so that when you turned the switch on…. ROTFL.. Facinating house! Lloyd Before you buy.

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You could be right about Colleen. Then again, you might not.

Obviously this is my perception of her. I may be wrong but I doubt it. But, I do take issue with the notion that any man who were to have casual sex with Colleen would surely be " using her ". On what do you base that sexist conclusion, about a whole gender ?

I base it on the men who would sleep with her casually; not on an entire gender. Many men wouldn’t sleep with her at all because she’s married, has four children, and these men don’t have casual sex either. I think a man who’s willing to have casual sex would be using her. She would also be using him. But she would bond emotionally with him and I doubt he would bond with her. I think this is a reasonable assumption. Karen

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I’ve posted about this a few times myself, and though I wish I could tell you from experience that it gets better with time, for me anyway…it just hasn’t. There are times when I ache to be held. To feel cared for. To feel wanted… I don’t think it’s natural to go without human touch. And I’ve also discovered for the first time in my life that I WANT to have sex. But casual is not for me either. There’s been no other person but my ex up to this point and the next "relationship" with a man is going to have to be a special one. Someone I really connect with…who makes me forget how damn scared I am!!! I wish I had an answer for you but I just don’t. Except someone here told me quite some time ago to "have my eyes wide open for possibilities that come my way." In the mean time..what others have written here is good advice. Just not so sure about those stuffed animals either…even if they ARE machine washable. JA

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Just don’t masturbate *with* the stuffed animals… <g

what about washable ones that vibrate?? (just kidding)

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Lonely Loneliness

You are not alone — Lonely Loneliness

lack of intimacy…

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