Lonely Loneliness

New to the group – how to handle wifes indiscression -sorry a bit long

Question:

You have indicated you were at fault.  I would tell her I’m sorry, send some flowers, go out to a fancy romantic restaurants.  Then discuss some ways you can change and make things better.  Tell her I love you.  You need to get to the heart of the problem since eavesdropping doesn’t solve the problem itself.

Response:

) take care you! sharon – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Jeff Hails wrote: > Truer words have not been spoken!  I’ll be around for a while it seems and > will keep you up to date. > Thanks again, >     Jeff > "Sharon" <shaz…@telus.net> wrote in message > news:3CF03B7C.10503@telus.net… >>  In any case, more time and thought are needed >>I think that is a wise idea… >>trust is a big thing Jeff…once that trust has been removed, it is a >>very hard thing to live with I’m afraid >>good luck Jeff >>keep posted k’? >>with l & l >>sharon >>Jeff Hails wrote: >>>Thanks Sharon, >>>    Giving her time is the only thing I am doing right now.  She tends > to >>>get emotional and start crying when we talk on the phone, but hasn’t > gotten >>>to the point that she can let go and tell me what has been happening and >>>what she wants.   I have always been happy within myself (except for the >>>last few years) and perhaps the years together I allowed myself to rely > on >>>her too much.  I only see three alternative at this point. >>>1     wait until she’s ready to discuss it honestly >>>2    confront her with what I know ( as tactfully as possible) to press > the >>>issue >>>3    decide whether I can go back to a relationship that I cannot be >>>comfortable with >>>In any case, more time and thought are needed >>>Thanks, >>>    Jeff >>>"Sharon" <shaz…@telus.net> wrote in message >>>news:3CEFDD83.8040103@telus.net… >>>>I know the feeling Jeff >>>>I suppose it’s out of your hands? She is the only one that knows what >>>>she is feeling/thinking. You’ve opened up the lines of communication, >>>>that is all that you can do imho.  I believe she has some choices to >>>>make.  Give it some time maybe she just needs to cool down a little. >>>>Stay intouch with your inner-self and all will be okay…honest. You >>>>seem to be a smart man Jeff…take the lesson and learn from it.  Not >>>>all people are meant to be together forever! Lessons my friend lessons > >>>>with l & l be well! >>>>sharon >>>-snipped-

Response:

  In any case, more time and thought are needed I think that is a wise idea… trust is a big thing Jeff…once that trust has been removed, it is a very hard thing to live with I’m afraid good luck Jeff keep posted k’? with l & l sharon – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Jeff Hails wrote: > Thanks Sharon, >     Giving her time is the only thing I am doing right now.  She tends to > get emotional and start crying when we talk on the phone, but hasn’t gotten > to the point that she can let go and tell me what has been happening and > what she wants.   I have always been happy within myself (except for the > last few years) and perhaps the years together I allowed myself to rely on > her too much.  I only see three alternative at this point. > 1     wait until she’s ready to discuss it honestly > 2    confront her with what I know ( as tactfully as possible) to press the > issue > 3    decide whether I can go back to a relationship that I cannot be > comfortable with > In any case, more time and thought are needed > Thanks, >     Jeff > "Sharon" <shaz…@telus.net> wrote in message > news:3CEFDD83.8040103@telus.net… >>I know the feeling Jeff >>I suppose it’s out of your hands? She is the only one that knows what >>she is feeling/thinking. You’ve opened up the lines of communication, >>that is all that you can do imho.  I believe she has some choices to >>make.  Give it some time maybe she just needs to cool down a little. >>Stay intouch with your inner-self and all will be okay…honest. You >>seem to be a smart man Jeff…take the lesson and learn from it.  Not >>all people are meant to be together forever! Lessons my friend lessons >>with l & l be well! >>sharon > -snipped-

Response:

Truer words have not been spoken!  I’ll be around for a while it seems and will keep you up to date. Thanks again,     Jeff "Sharon" <shaz…@telus.net> wrote in message

news:3CF03B7C.10503@telus.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->   In any case, more time and thought are needed > I think that is a wise idea… > trust is a big thing Jeff…once that trust has been removed, it is a > very hard thing to live with I’m afraid > good luck Jeff > keep posted k’? > with l & l > sharon > Jeff Hails wrote: > > Thanks Sharon, > >     Giving her time is the only thing I am doing right now.  She tends to > > get emotional and start crying when we talk on the phone, but hasn’t gotten > > to the point that she can let go and tell me what has been happening and > > what she wants.   I have always been happy within myself (except for the > > last few years) and perhaps the years together I allowed myself to rely on > > her too much.  I only see three alternative at this point. > > 1     wait until she’s ready to discuss it honestly > > 2    confront her with what I know ( as tactfully as possible) to press the > > issue > > 3    decide whether I can go back to a relationship that I cannot be > > comfortable with > > In any case, more time and thought are needed > > Thanks, > >     Jeff > > "Sharon" <shaz…@telus.net> wrote in message > > news:3CEFDD83.8040103@telus.net… > >>I know the feeling Jeff > >>I suppose it’s out of your hands? She is the only one that knows what > >>she is feeling/thinking. You’ve opened up the lines of communication, > >>that is all that you can do imho.  I believe she has some choices to > >>make.  Give it some time maybe she just needs to cool down a little. > >>Stay intouch with your inner-self and all will be okay…honest. You > >>seem to be a smart man Jeff…take the lesson and learn from it.  Not > >>all people are meant to be together forever! Lessons my friend lessons > >>with l & l be well! > >>sharon > > -snipped-

Response:

Thanks Sharon,     Giving her time is the only thing I am doing right now.  She tends to get emotional and start crying when we talk on the phone, but hasn’t gotten to the point that she can let go and tell me what has been happening and what she wants.   I have always been happy within myself (except for the last few years) and perhaps the years together I allowed myself to rely on her too much.  I only see three alternative at this point. 1     wait until she’s ready to discuss it honestly 2    confront her with what I know ( as tactfully as possible) to press the issue 3    decide whether I can go back to a relationship that I cannot be comfortable with In any case, more time and thought are needed Thanks,     Jeff "Sharon" <shaz…@telus.net> wrote in message

news:3CEFDD83.8040103@telus.net… > I know the feeling Jeff > I suppose it’s out of your hands? She is the only one that knows what > she is feeling/thinking. You’ve opened up the lines of communication, > that is all that you can do imho.  I believe she has some choices to > make.  Give it some time maybe she just needs to cool down a little. > Stay intouch with your inner-self and all will be okay…honest. You > seem to be a smart man Jeff…take the lesson and learn from it.  Not > all people are meant to be together forever! Lessons my friend lessons > with l & l be well! > sharon

-snipped-

Response:

Igor,     You are probably right that there is justification for my spying, but I am concerned about making a bad situation worse.  As far as my problems, besides seeing a psychologist for depression, my drinking etc. are curtailed quite a bit.  After doing more research, I may also be dealing with hormonal imbalance.  The primary symtoms pretty well match clinical depression. I won’t know till  I get to the doctor for serious diagnosis.  Unfortunately, my medical coverage is pretty much nil since I’m not in my home area. Jeff "Igor19070" <ignoramus19…@NOSPAM.19070.invalid> wrote in message

news:slrnaf04cr.d0.ignoramus19070@nospam.invalid… > Since you had probable cause to investigate why exactly she is being > secretive and inconsistent, there is nothing morally wrong with > looking more in depth and what exactly she was doing. Being accusatiry > is quite justified. > All that said, you need to get out of depression, stop whatever > behavior you call "destructive", etc. Although it is probably too > late. > igor

-snipped-

Response:

Thanks for your thoughts Roy,     I had tried to bring up the possibility of counseling for both of us, but she didn’t seem at all willing.  I can forgive what has happened, but it makes trust and faith harder to maintain. Jeff "Roy Castaneda" <rcastane…@insightbb.com> wrote in message

news:p6QH8.30352$cQ3.1313@sccrnsc01… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Jeff, > I too was addicted to chat rooms to seek what I could not find at home, > leading to a seperation, I choose to rely finally on my faith to assist me > in discovering the truth about myself and my need to fill that void that was > missing. > I blamed my wife for my unhappiness, but ultimately, realized that it was I > who had clearly gone about it all wrong. > My only suggestion is to possibly attend a marriage counselor, get to the > core of her unhappiness at home, and forgive… > My wife say’s I am forgiven but still has insisted on the seperation. > I now have my faith to get me through the hard times of loneliness, but only > wish I would have taken action early on to have avoided this mess. > The ball is in your court, so you can either forgive and save your marriage, > or move on and wonder what if……. > I hope this helped. > You are in my prayers, > Roy

-snipped-

Response:

I know the feeling Jeff I suppose it’s out of your hands? She is the only one that knows what she is feeling/thinking. You’ve opened up the lines of communication, that is all that you can do imho.  I believe she has some choices to make.  Give it some time maybe she just needs to cool down a little. Stay intouch with your inner-self and all will be okay…honest. You seem to be a smart man Jeff…take the lesson and learn from it.  Not all people are meant to be together forever! Lessons my friend lessons with l & l be well! sharon – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Jeff Hails wrote: > Thanks for your thoughts Roy, >     I had tried to bring up the possibility of counseling for both of us, > but she didn’t seem at all willing.  I can forgive what has happened, but it > makes trust and faith harder to maintain. > Jeff > "Roy Castaneda" <rcastane…@insightbb.com> wrote in message > news:p6QH8.30352$cQ3.1313@sccrnsc01… >>Jeff, >>I too was addicted to chat rooms to seek what I could not find at home, >>leading to a seperation, I choose to rely finally on my faith to assist me >>in discovering the truth about myself and my need to fill that void that > was >>missing. >>I blamed my wife for my unhappiness, but ultimately, realized that it was > I >>who had clearly gone about it all wrong. >>My only suggestion is to possibly attend a marriage counselor, get to the >>core of her unhappiness at home, and forgive… >>My wife say’s I am forgiven but still has insisted on the seperation. >>I now have my faith to get me through the hard times of loneliness, but > only >>wish I would have taken action early on to have avoided this mess. >>The ball is in your court, so you can either forgive and save your > marriage, >>or move on and wonder what if……. >>I hope this helped. >>You are in my prayers, >>Roy > -snipped-

Response:

Peter,     I think the most noticeable change in the relationship started around 2 years ago. My wife was put in the typical position of trying to do more with less at the office and 60hr weeks turned into 80+ hr weeks.  The company I work for was hell bent on self destruction and I was the one expected to solve their problems.  My self detructive release was excessive alcohol useage.  When I would get home from work the first thing I did was grab a bottle of scotch.  If my wife was home, she was busy working and I felt it best not to bother her.     You make a good point regarding getting the issues out in the open, I really wanted to do it face to face but if I word it clearly enough that may be better.  I may also be able to keep i from getting too emotional. Thanks,     Jeff "Peter U" <u…@notexist.com> wrote in message

news:vvQH8.1306$xU5.164015@wards… > "Jeff Hails" <jhai…@hotmail.com> wrote in message > news:khPH8.2642$dS.2252@nwrddc04.gnilink.net…

-snipped- – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> From what you say, you believe your wife is being unfaithful to you by meeting > other people and having relationships with them. You also believe that prior > to that you hurt her by the way you handled (or could not handle) your long > work hours and your depression. I don’t personally believe there’s an > automatic link between those two. So I don’t think you’re being fair on > yourself when you say you drove her to do it. > >     My dillema is that I need to be able to open discussion about this and > > haven’t been able to find a way that will not sound accusatory. > I’m not surprised. The problem is that two wrongs don’t make a right. We don’t > have all the details but in your opinion you have wronged your wife, or at > least hurt her by your "self destructive means of coping with a situation". > But now your wife, in meeting other people and having relationships with them, > is not resolving any wrong you did, but instead she’s now doing wrong herself. > Since you’re worried that talking about it all with your wife could go wrong, > perhaps in the first instance you could use a written note to at least clearly > state what you feel. Say what you’ve found out about her, and what steps you > believe you can each take to begin to resolve things. If you’re needing to > tell her you regret the hurt you caused, and there are steps you can take to > make things better, then say so in the note. But you also need to state that > what she’s doing is wrong too, it’s not going to resolve things, and you need > her to stop. Don’t merge your wrong and her wrong – they are two separate > things. > Hope this helps, > Peter

Response:

Hello to all,     I have been watching the threads in this group and was hoping some of you fine people could offer some advice.  My wife of 21 years has become involved in some of the on-line dating services for discrete married people. Our relationship has not been good for some time, partially due to the stress and long hours of our jobs, partially due to my state of depression and self destructive means of coping with the situation.     I noticed a distinct change in her behavior, and an almost paranoid level of secrecy with everything she does.  It became more apparent when she started clearing her history file and recent documents when ever she was done working on the computer.  If I walked in the room she would close the laptop so I couldn’t see what she was doing.  I asked her to tell me honestly what was going on, but only got BS about being irritated by people in the office looking over her shoulder while she worked.     I am ashamed to admit that I took steps to track what she was doing and found that she has been meeting other people while she was supposedly at work or out with friends, clients or shopping.  Let’s just say the correspondence left little doubt she’s getting her satisfaction everywhere but at home.     At my psychologist’s suggestion and my wifes, I have tken a leave of absence from work and am spending some time with my parents to clear my head and decide what I want to do with my life.  I can understand completely the reasons she has done what she has and that I drove her to it.     My dillema is that I need to be able to open discussion about this and haven’t been able to find a way that will not sound accusatory.  I am of course hurt by her actions, even more so because I drove her to it, but not getting out in the open only prolongs the agony and I find myself obsessing on it.  With that over my head, I can’t sort out my own problems.     Thanks for listening and all serious advice is appreciated. Jeff

Response:

"Jeff Hails" <jhai…@hotmail.com> wrote in message

news:khPH8.2642$dS.2252@nwrddc04.gnilink.net… > Hello to all,

Hi! > My wife of 21 years has become > involved in some of the on-line dating services for discrete married people. > Our relationship has not been good for some time, partially due to the > stress and long hours of our jobs, partially due to my state of depression > and self destructive means of coping with the situation.

[snip wife's suspicious behaviour] So you’ve been married 21 years. How recent are these work, depression and marital problems? What kind of thing did you mean when you referred above to your "self destructive means of coping with the situation"? Coping with which part of the situation? >     At my psychologist’s suggestion and my wifes, I have tken a leave of > absence from work and am spending some time with my parents to clear my head > and decide what I want to do with my life.  I can understand completely the > reasons she has done what she has and that I drove her to it.

From what you say, you believe your wife is being unfaithful to you by meeting other people and having relationships with them. You also believe that prior to that you hurt her by the way you handled (or could not handle) your long work hours and your depression. I don’t personally believe there’s an automatic link between those two. So I don’t think you’re being fair on yourself when you say you drove her to do it. >     My dillema is that I need to be able to open discussion about this and > haven’t been able to find a way that will not sound accusatory.

I’m not surprised. The problem is that two wrongs don’t make a right. We don’t have all the details but in your opinion you have wronged your wife, or at least hurt her by your "self destructive means of coping with a situation". But now your wife, in meeting other people and having relationships with them, is not resolving any wrong you did, but instead she’s now doing wrong herself. Since you’re worried that talking about it all with your wife could go wrong, perhaps in the first instance you could use a written note to at least clearly state what you feel. Say what you’ve found out about her, and what steps you believe you can each take to begin to resolve things. If you’re needing to tell her you regret the hurt you caused, and there are steps you can take to make things better, then say so in the note. But you also need to state that what she’s doing is wrong too, it’s not going to resolve things, and you need her to stop. Don’t merge your wrong and her wrong – they are two separate things. Hope this helps, Peter

Response:

"Jeff Hails" <jhai…@hotmail.com> wrote in message

news:khPH8.2642$dS.2252@nwrddc04.gnilink.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello to all, >     I have been watching the threads in this group and was hoping some of > you fine people could offer some advice.  My wife of 21 years has become > involved in some of the on-line dating services for discrete married people. > Our relationship has not been good for some time, partially due to the > stress and long hours of our jobs, partially due to my state of depression > and self destructive means of coping with the situation. >     I noticed a distinct change in her behavior, and an almost paranoid > level of secrecy with everything she does.  It became more apparent when she > started clearing her history file and recent documents when ever she was > done working on the computer.  If I walked in the room she would close the > laptop so I couldn’t see what she was doing.  I asked her to tell me > honestly what was going on, but only got BS about being irritated by people > in the office looking over her shoulder while she worked. >     I am ashamed to admit that I took steps to track what she was doing and > found that she has been meeting other people while she was supposedly at > work or out with friends, clients or shopping.  Let’s just say the > correspondence left little doubt she’s getting her satisfaction everywhere > but at home. >     At my psychologist’s suggestion and my wifes, I have tken a leave of > absence from work and am spending some time with my parents to clear my head > and decide what I want to do with my life.  I can understand completely the > reasons she has done what she has and that I drove her to it. >     My dillema is that I need to be able to open discussion about this and > haven’t been able to find a way that will not sound accusatory.  I am of > course hurt by her actions, even more so because I drove her to it, but not > getting out in the open only prolongs the agony and I find myself obsessing > on it.  With that over my head, I can’t sort out my own problems. >     Thanks for listening and all serious advice is appreciated. > Jeff

Ask her if she wants to try to start brand new with you and try to build a new, good relationship. If she is wishy-washy about it or says no, then you need to start thinking about moving on. rg

Response:

Jeff, I too was addicted to chat rooms to seek what I could not find at home, leading to a seperation, I choose to rely finally on my faith to assist me in discovering the truth about myself and my need to fill that void that was missing. I blamed my wife for my unhappiness, but ultimately, realized that it was I who had clearly gone about it all wrong. My only suggestion is to possibly attend a marriage counselor, get to the core of her unhappiness at home, and forgive… My wife say’s I am forgiven but still has insisted on the seperation. I now have my faith to get me through the hard times of loneliness, but only wish I would have taken action early on to have avoided this mess. The ball is in your court, so you can either forgive and save your marriage, or move on and wonder what if……. I hope this helped. You are in my prayers, Roy "Jeff Hails" <jhai…@hotmail.com> wrote in message

news:khPH8.2642$dS.2252@nwrddc04.gnilink.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello to all, >     I have been watching the threads in this group and was hoping some of > you fine people could offer some advice.  My wife of 21 years has become > involved in some of the on-line dating services for discrete married people. > Our relationship has not been good for some time, partially due to the > stress and long hours of our jobs, partially due to my state of depression > and self destructive means of coping with the situation. >     I noticed a distinct change in her behavior, and an almost paranoid > level of secrecy with everything she does.  It became more apparent when she > started clearing her history file and recent documents when ever she was > done working on the computer.  If I walked in the room she would close the > laptop so I couldn’t see what she was doing.  I asked her to tell me > honestly what was going on, but only got BS about being irritated by people > in the office looking over her shoulder while she worked. >     I am ashamed to admit that I took steps to track what she was doing and > found that she has been meeting other people while she was supposedly at > work or out with friends, clients or shopping.  Let’s just say the > correspondence left little doubt she’s getting her satisfaction everywhere > but at home. >     At my psychologist’s suggestion and my wifes, I have tken a leave of > absence from work and am spending some time with my parents to clear my head > and decide what I want to do with my life.  I can understand completely the > reasons she has done what she has and that I drove her to it. >     My dillema is that I need to be able to open discussion about this and > haven’t been able to find a way that will not sound accusatory.  I am of > course hurt by her actions, even more so because I drove her to it, but not > getting out in the open only prolongs the agony and I find myself obsessing > on it.  With that over my head, I can’t sort out my own problems. >     Thanks for listening and all serious advice is appreciated. > Jeff

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness Depression

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