Lonely Loneliness

trouble with emotions….please help…

Question:

we’re having a bit of trouble with feeling things…we’re going to spoiler just so that we can speak a bit more freely.  Most of what we need to discuss is *nger, so if you have trouble with that (though it’s not going to be vehement language), be gentle and don’t read….. * * * down down down i wonder how many miles i’ve fallen must be somewhere near the center of the earth maybe i’ll fall right through the earth how funny it will be to come out where the people all walk with their heads downwards…. Okay. Basically, the trouble is this: i can’t get over the fact that there is such anger inside.  I know, cognitively, how deserved this anger is, and that i have a right to feel it, but that doesn’t stop this internal war from raging on and on about how deadly anger is and how it needs to be gotten rid of or it will kill us.   AS a for instance…the people we used to live with professed themselves our best friend.  Then they threw us out in March.  This was a pretty massive betrayal, considering it wasn’t due to anything we’d done but simply to one person’s inability to deal with having any responsibility for her life.  So she threw us out, knowing that at the time we weren’t working and had no way to support ourselves and pay rent.  We’ve had to find a job, find another job because the first one was killing us, and find a place to live, pack and move, and all of this within only four weeks time.  That was back at the beginning of April, and things are settling down a bit….and now we are finding out how angry we are at this woman for throwing us out….and how angry we are at ourself for 1)letting her do this to us and 2)even bothering to feel the anger in the first place. It’s not a question of expressing it; the few times she’s seen any of it it was appropriately and concisely expressed.  WEll…Diamond had a few choice things to say….but there was none of the violence so vehementely desired by several within this body.   It’s a question of permission to feel it.  We know that this woman betrayed us on many fundamental levels.  WE also know that we *knew* she had a history for doing this, and we weren’t immune.  So we are angry at her for doing it and angry at ourself for not having stepped out of the way sooner.  We know that the anger toward her is justified…but yet we still keep trying to find ways to forgive her, to step away from it, to not feel it, to diminish and get rid of it so it’s just not there anymore. Most frequently we keep saying that we don’t like who we are because we sound so bitter when we talk about her.  That’s not healthy and we know it, but we also know that it’s not healthy to not allow the anger to stay. We’re just so terrified of it! I can feel emotion….this being the mind at the front, the alter most everyone sees and who is *really* the person behind the name Maire (i’m no host…i’m just an alter like everyone else in here)… but i can’t and don’t generate it.  If that makes any sense.  Everyone else does the generating of emotions around here.  So i end up feeling totally drowned by others’ emotions only to feel guilty for not letting them feel/express them. This is true for not just anger, but also loneliness and depression, and pretty much any emotion….the three worst are anger, depression, and love.  We can’t seem to give ourself permission to just allow that the anger can be there without hurting us or anyone else….mostly because it’s out of our experience for it to be "harmless."  Anger is *never* harmless.  We don’t want it here because if it stays, it will hurt us, or someone else.  That would be unforgiveable. We don’t know what to do.  We just want to find words for what is happening inside and we can’t seem to reach them, can’t seem to see through the fog anymore, and that’s not helping anything at all.  We feel like we’re groping about in a postapocalyptic smoke and haven’t a clue what direction we’re facing.  There’s three emotions floating around right now that keep overwhelming the mind at the front…anger….loneliness…and a depression so profound there are no words for it.  But we cannot reach those who generate this, at least, not all of them. What to do?  How does one learn to reconcile the knowledge that what a person has done is wrong and the anger is okay with the knowledge that the anger ISN"T okay, could never *BE* okay, and if it stays it will kill someone?  How is it possible to have so damn many different emotions all at once?  Yeah, sure, they all belong to different people inside, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept or to work through, does it? We just don’t know what to do.  Please, if anyone has any ideas, tell us? Maire

Response:

we’re having a bit of trouble with feeling things…we’re going to spoiler just so that we can speak a bit more freely.  Most of what we need to discuss is *nger, so if you have trouble with that (though it’s not going to be vehement language), be gentle and don’t read….. Maire

(This post contains references to God.) Wow, what a teriffic post. Articulate. Emotions are just there. We don’t ask for them. It is crucial  what we do with them. We are to forgive. That does not mean condone the action, or even put up with it again. But forgive the person — "they know not what they do." Saying that, we must forgive ourselves for feeling the negative emotion It’s OK to experience it for a season. We don’t have to give in to it. We can resist acting on it. We can continue to accept the Lord’s grace even while we are experiencing it. That is spiritual warfare. The Lord’s promise is: we can win..

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness Depression

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