Advice please for a soon to be divorced person…

Question:

Exactly how I feel too…it doesn’t compare to a back turned to you at night and all the rest of the mistreatment. I hate the lonliness though. Am definitely not ready for another relationship yet, but can’t bear to think of never having another one. Perhaps I am too dependant on having another person to feel whole. Perhaps I have to feel complete by myself…I don’t really know where or how to start. Perhaps the book will help. Heather — – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have ordered this book also. Funny thing Janie, I am only 48 and I do fear growing old alone. It wasn’t in my life plan and it is one of my biggest hurts. But then, I was alone in the marriage too. Everything hurts. Heather Good for you on ordering the book! It is excellent, after the semester I am going to reread it. As for the aloneness… that is a fear of mine too… but as lonely as I get sometimes now, it doesn’t compare to the loneliness of a back turned to you at night. Or the loneliness of unjust rages at you …. or the loneliness of him always whining about how he doesn’t have any men friends…. developing men friends was always more important… duh, that should have been my first clue.. thought he was just insecure… and what was i? chopped liver? i like it much better now, but would like some company… some friendship. I can’t picture myself ever remarrying right now. It just doesn’t compute. LOL Jp

Response:

Good for you on ordering the book! It is excellent, after the semester I am going to reread it. As for the aloneness… that is a fear of mine too… but as lonely as I get sometimes now, it doesn’t compare to the loneliness of a back turned to you at night. Or the loneliness of unjust rages at you …. or the loneliness of him always whining about how he doesn’t have any men friends…. developing men friends was always more important… duh, that should have been my first clue.. thought he was just insecure… and what was i? chopped liver? i like it much better now, but would like some company… some friendship. I can’t picture myself ever remarrying right now. It just doesn’t compute. LOL Jp

Response:

Thanks for the memory, Heather. I remember all to well that "back turned to you" and attempts to be intimate met with stony silence… Very, very sad that being alone is actually a step *up* isn’t it??? Best, Donna – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Exactly how I feel too…it doesn’t compare to a back turned to you at night and all the rest of the mistreatment. I hate the lonliness though. Am definitely not ready for another relationship yet, but can’t bear to think of never having another one. Perhaps I am too dependant on having another person to feel whole. Perhaps I have to feel complete by myself…I don’t really know where or how to start. Perhaps the book will help. Heather — I have ordered this book also. Funny thing Janie, I am only 48 and I do fear growing old alone. It wasn’t in my life plan and it is one of my biggest hurts. But then, I was alone in the marriage too. Everything hurts. Heather Good for you on ordering the book! It is excellent, after the semester I am going to reread it. As for the aloneness… that is a fear of mine too… but as lonely as I get sometimes now, it doesn’t compare to the loneliness of a back turned to you at night. Or the loneliness of unjust rages at you …. or the loneliness of him always whining about how he doesn’t have any men friends…. developing men friends was always more important… duh, that should have been my first clue.. thought he was just insecure… and what was i? chopped liver? i like it much better now, but would like some company… some friendship. I can’t picture myself ever remarrying right now. It just doesn’t compute. LOL Jp

Response:

I have ordered this book also. Funny thing Janie, I am only 48 and I do fear growing old alone. It wasn’t in my life plan and it is one of my biggest hurts. But then, I was alone in the marriage too. Everything hurts. Heather – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Its been a slow read for me, because it hits too near home too often and I have to leave it be and just live life for days or weeks at a time. But I’m only 42 – I’m not old enough to be so afraid of growing old alone that I have to be in a hurry – to finish the book, or find a mate. Janie Hi all I’m late thirties, male, was married for 3 years and am divorcing now (decided 6 weeks ago). It was her idea, but in the fullness of time I think I will believe it was a good idea, as we weren’t right for each other. I’m going to make you all sick but it has been amicable in every way, so there are no problems associated with the break-up. Now, none of this stops me from feeling very low at the moment. I’m consumed by regrets about what I could have done to make the marriage better, have flash backs to incidents I could have handled differently, etc. ,etc. She played her part in the break-up also, I know it wasn’t all my fault. At the moment I feel like hiding away. I have no interest in social life or women and want to take my time before doing anything else. This doesn’t suprise me — even in an amicable breakup — this is a huge change in your life. Regrets, what-ifs — sure, expect it. Do you have access to a counselor? — It wouldn’t hurt at all. At least u won’t have all the bitterness, and betrayal many others have to work through — but there is still a lot there. Questions: Why did we marry? What could I have done better? Was it a mistake, why did I choose this? on and on ….. This can be a very growing experience for u … take it seriously. Take Care of Yourself — BillBo Any advice for someone like me moving forward in life on my own again? Bill Borsodi .’ ‘. __ http://home.ArkansasUSA.com/bborsodi/ . . -{{_(|8) ICQ: 4673467 AOL IM: BillB0777 ‘ . . ‘ ‘ . . ‘ (__/` alt.support.Divorce Resource List is at: http://home.ArkansasUSA.com/bborsodi/divorcer.html Reply-to e-mail address masked. Replace ? with billbo=real address — There is a vast difference between putting your nose in other people’s business and putting your heart in other people’s problems. To reply via email replace "JLT_ALB" with "janiet" ICQ#22924224

Response:

Trent I thought I saw somewhere that you have a significant other in your life. I realize this is a public forum, but do you have to "hang out" with divorced or divorcing people??? gloria – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – No…as of this morning, I’m reading EVERYBODY’S posts again. But you’re ranting ALREADY? What the hell does what I said about the cat have to do with YOU? It’s been a standard bumper-sticker joke for as long as I can remember. ALREADY I’m stalking you again?! :) Wanna dance? Trent — Never trust a counselor who can’t serve you a shot and a beer. Don’t buy a cat, though! There’s no good use for a live cat! :) Trent What the hell, you can’t read this anyway right? Pretty damn low, you say I’m killfiled but you know I’ve lost my cat and I just wanted you to know by saying that, it has to be one of your lowest Trent. Daisy

Response:

Gloria I’m not sure I’m comfortable in an environment where we pick and choose who can participate. Not much of a Usenet Anarchy that way. Daisy I had no idea you’d lost your cat. I’m terribly sorry. Of course, I do end up sometimes having to just delete threads that are more than 4-5 days old. I guess not all of us read all the posts, and don’t know unless we’re told that something we wrote relates to something another person is experiencing. Janie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Trent I thought I saw somewhere that you have a significant other in your life. I realize this is a public forum, but do you have to "hang out" with divorced or divorcing people??? gloria No…as of this morning, I’m reading EVERYBODY’S posts again. But you’re ranting ALREADY? What the hell does what I said about the cat have to do with YOU? It’s been a standard bumper-sticker joke for as long as I can remember. ALREADY I’m stalking you again?! :) Wanna dance? Trent

– There is a vast difference between putting your nose in other people’s business and putting your heart in other people’s problems. To reply via email replace "JLT_ALB" with "janiet" ICQ#22924224

Response:

Hi Don, I think that my best advice is to get out of this newsgroup. I came here looking for friends who have been in my shoes, and mostly I seem to get ‘professional’ critics. There are a few good people her, but who needs the aggravation from the rest. If you stay, be prepared for more critisizm than you have ever gotten from any friend, family member or anyone who really knows your situation.

Response:

The first six weeks after our separation was amicable too, we were both hurting a lot. Then she turned mean. My advice: Don’t rush. You will know when you are getting over this. norm

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi all I’m late thirties, male, was married for 3 years and am divorcing now (decided 6 weeks ago). It was her idea, but in the fullness of time I think I will believe it was a good idea, as we weren’t right for each other. I’m going to make you all sick but it has been amicable in every way, so there are no problems associated with the break-up. Now, none of this stops me from feeling very low at the moment. I’m consumed by regrets about what I could have done to make the marriage better, have flash backs to incidents I could have handled differently, etc. ,etc. She played her part in the break-up also, I know it wasn’t all my fault. At the moment I feel like hiding away. I have no interest in social life or women and want to take my time before doing anything else.

This doesn’t suprise me — even in an amicable breakup — this is a huge change in your life. Regrets, what-ifs — sure, expect it. Do you have access to a counselor? — It wouldn’t hurt at all. At least u won’t have all the bitterness, and betrayal many others have to work through — but there is still a lot there. Questions: Why did we marry? What could I have done better? Was it a mistake, why did I choose this? on and on ….. This can be a very growing experience for u … take it seriously. Take Care of Yourself — BillBo Any advice for someone like me moving forward in life on my own again?

Bill Borsodi .’ ‘. __ http://home.ArkansasUSA.com/bborsodi/ . . -{{_(|8) ICQ: 4673467 AOL IM: BillB0777 ‘ . . ‘ ‘ . . ‘ (__/` alt.support.Divorce Resource List is at: http://home.ArkansasUSA.com/bborsodi/divorcer.html Reply-to e-mail address masked. Replace ? with billbo=real address

Response:

NOPE you can go to HELL! Now killfile me again so we can get on with the important stuff. Daisy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – No…as of this morning, I’m reading EVERYBODY’S posts again. But you’re ranting ALREADY? What the hell does what I said about the cat have to do with YOU? It’s been a standard bumper-sticker joke for as long as I can remember. ALREADY I’m stalking you again?! :) Wanna dance? Trent — Never trust a counselor who can’t serve you a shot and a beer. Don’t buy a cat, though! There’s no good use for a live cat! :) Trent What the hell, you can’t read this anyway right? Pretty damn low, you say I’m killfiled but you know I’ve lost my cat and I just wanted you to know by saying that, it has to be one of your lowest Trent. Daisy

Response:

Hi all I’m late thirties, male, was married for 3 years and am divorcing now (decided 6 weeks ago). It was her idea, but in the fullness of time I think I will believe it was a good idea, as we weren’t right for each other. I’m going to make you all sick but it has been amicable in every way, so there are no problems associated with the break-up. Now, none of this stops me from feeling very low at the moment. I’m consumed by regrets about what I could have done to make the marriage better, have flash backs to incidents I could have handled differently, etc. ,etc. She played her part in the break-up also, I know it wasn’t all my fault. At the moment I feel like hiding away. I have no interest in social life or women and want to take my time before doing anything else. Any advice for someone like me moving forward in life on my own again?

Response:

Hello Don, You are feeling as you should feel at this point. Let the pain wash over you like waves on the sand. Feel the pain – it will make the healing come faster. Your soul will tell you when it’s had enough and you will emerge with more hope one day. Concentrate on YOU. Be sure you eat right, excercise and explore new ways of spending time. You are wise to not seek out romance. It would be unreal at this time. Just an escape. No need to hurt anyone while you are healing. Don’t worry about a future. You will have one. You are fortunate not to have animosity in your divorce. That delays the process. Best to you in the coming weeks. Donna

Response:

Take on some responsibility. Buy something that you need to keep alive…plant, dog, cockatiel, etc. And then KEEP it alive! :) That’ll keep you goin’. Don’t buy a cat, though! There’s no good use for a live cat! :)

Sure…. we could all use a good dose of the Hanta Virus or Lyme disease instead! Unless you’re gonna start breeding a wonder dog that will hunt a mouse until it is dead or it’ll don gloves and mask to clean up the resident rodents’ droppings. Rodents sneak in even in the best of neighborhoods (especially the newly built next to a field) however my "girls" (fixed female cats) keep our home safe and come and love me up when another self-piting wave of "Why did he leave me???" hits. Yeah, so there Mr. Dead Cat! (BTW I love dogs too!) KayAnn – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

Response:

Don’t buy a cat, though! There’s no good use for a live cat! :) Trent

What the hell, you can’t read this anyway right? Pretty damn low, you say I’m killfiled but you know I’ve lost my cat and I just wanted you to know by saying that, it has to be one of your lowest Trent. Daisy

Response:

Hi Don, Time is the only thing that is going to get you through this. You never said if you had children so I’ll go on the idea that you don’t. Take each day as it comes and it will get easier along the way. I think it’s good you have no real interest in a social life or women at this point, getting into a rebound relationship could be devastating. But you will get your interest back, just give it time. Daisy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi all I’m late thirties, male, was married for 3 years and am divorcing now (decided 6 weeks ago). It was her idea, but in the fullness of time I think I will believe it was a good idea, as we weren’t right for each other. I’m going to make you all sick but it has been amicable in every way, so there are no problems associated with the break-up. Now, none of this stops me from feeling very low at the moment. I’m consumed by regrets about what I could have done to make the marriage better, have flash backs to incidents I could have handled differently, etc. ,etc. She played her part in the break-up also, I know it wasn’t all my fault. At the moment I feel like hiding away. I have no interest in social life or women and want to take my time before doing anything else. Any advice for someone like me moving forward in life on my own again?

Response:

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Lonely Loneliness

You are not alone — Lonely Loneliness