Crashed!
Question:
Hyphened names usually mean you are trying to ascert self confidence you do not have. Crashed to the bottom Lisa
Are you overweight? Burt
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – When does the pain go away? I have been doing great for the past 7 weeks; my self-esteem was greatly improved, I had made the decision to finally end a marriage that was not going anywhere; I was beginning to feel like life was finally good…and then today I crashed to the bottom. Why is this pain coming back? When will this roller coaster ride end? I just want to get off, and start a life! I have not felt this depressed in a long time. I started out the day feeling wonderful. It was the perfect summer day; blue sky without a cloud in sight, temperatures warm, but no humidity; a great day for the Company picnic. Went with several friends, and had a good time. I came home to my s2bx (was bringing back our dog) waiting for me with the remainder of the paperwork for our divorce. He looked good, and my heart still felt a tug….I guess the love is still there. He had indicated he was feeling better about himself, and he was beginning to think clearer; he said he still loved me; but that he thought his feelings for the other woman (19 month affair) maybe stronger. He said needed to have time to sort out his confusion; all which I have heard before. But, today it really bothered me. When he left, I started to cry so hard, and then it hit me. I was one of the few people at the picnic without a spouse or children with them. I was alone….very alone. I want someone to be with me! I am so lonely for companionship, love and gentle caring of the soul; but there is no one there. I am so scared I will never be with another man, for I will be too old. I am awakening a desire to have children; but I know that will not happen. I gave that up 10 years ago when I married my husband; now I probably won’t have the chance. I have given so much in my life; and I never get anything in return but hurt. I have been told I am a "catch". But, when will it be my turn….! I am so tired; I just want to climb in a hole, and never come out. I just am tired of being hurt. I do not know why God, is doing this to me. I have never hurt another intentionally, and if I knew I hurt someone, I would feel so guilty. I am a good person, so why are the good, always hurt? I am sorry for rattling on, but I needed someone. Is there anyone out there, who cares? Crashed to the bottom Lisa
"Seven weeks of doing great?" You’re doing better than I am. I have seven days under my belt. Still counting…. I’ve felt okay for short periods of time since I discovered my husband’s adultery last December. What he said was a fling has turned out to be a very involved relationship with a married co-worker. I still am astounded by their lies and deceit. Throughout our attempts at "reconciliation" during the winter and spring, he kept in contact with her and lied about it. Our divorce should be final within 7-8 weeks ending our 2 1/2 year marriage which was preceded by a two year relationship. She’s left her husband of 22 years and her daughter (20) and son (16). They still deny that there is anything between them now, but last week there were sufficient circumstances to convince me that this is just another lie. I vented my final rage at him and decided to get on with life. My feelings for him have steadily dwindled since last January after the intial shock wore off. There is no respect or trust for him anymore. A marriage with a liar is a lie. Like you, I am also in my forties without children. I never wanted any and after meeting his, I know that was the right decision. I am also convinced that getting out of this marriage is the right decision. The betrayal was so great that it has just about wiped out the memories of good times. The entire relationship seems fraudulent now. Some advice to you: Do what ever you can not to see him again. He betrayed you. You don’t need to be reminded of what has probably been the most painful episode of your life. Keep reminding yourself of the negative things you’ve lost: no more lies, no more broken promises, no more of that self-righteous attitude, and in my case, no more of his dysfunctional family. I’ve been told that the day will come when I will say a prayer of thanks for having this man out of my life. Like you, I wonder why God has put me through this. It’s unfair and I keep reminding myself of how sleazy it’s been. I care, Lisa. I expect the roller coaster will continue for quite a time yet, but I am enjoying some leveling-out times now. I’m not happy yet, but I’m told that day will come. Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal. You’ve done nothing wrong. Unfortunately, we live in times when adultery is received with a shrug. Look at our president — his numbers are good even though most Americans believe he has commited adultery. It amzaes me that as a country we have traded good morals for good economic times. Oh, well…. Don’t blame yourself. But try not to think of yourself as a victim. You are a good catch. He isn’t and most likely, he’ll do it again. But don’t think of that. You need to think only of yourself now. I hope your next stretch of happiness exceeds seven weeks. Susan
Response:
Lisa, With all due repsect to Caroline, you don’t need to rebuild anything. Your life is just as it should be now. There is love and peace and joy here now. If you rebuild "you", things will crash down again. Sit in the loneliness and the heartbreak and try to water the seeds of peace inside of you. In your life you have experienced joy and peace. those things are in you. . .seek them out, water those seeds and good luck – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I care Lisa. I share many of the sentiments you expressed in your post, I am sure there are many here who do. Know that you are not alone. When does the pain go away? I am not sure that it does. You were married, you will be unmarried. You will never forget. I think it isn’t so much that the pain goes away, but that it becomes less important. And when you move on with your life, the emptiness will go away. God is not doing this to you. We were all given free will, which means our lives are to a certain extent directed by the decisions of others. Kindof like a game of dominoes. We learn from others, others learn from us, we may never understand why we had to experience certain events – we just do. I am quite fatalistic myself, but remember that you have some control – exercise it. Concentrate on making YOURSELF a new life. I have been sitting here filling out the last of the papers, I hope, retyping the MSA and facing the fact that it will take a little longer than I had hoped. I am not in a particular hurry, I am just ready for it to be over. A good feeling. It’s been 5 years this month, maybe that explains why the last few weeks have been so hard. I know something of fear, this helps me (from Dune by Frank Herbert): The Bene Gesserit response to the Litany of Fear I must not fear. Fear is the little death that brings total oblivion. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. It is a rollercoaster – HANG ON!! The ride goes on longer than you think. But you will get out of the rollercoaster car and your life will be full again, you will be happy, I have every confidence that you can do it! If I can, anyone can! You have come this far, you can go the distance. All the best, Caroline "Nothing is forgotten, only left behind" – Robbie Robertson, Unbound === When does the pain go away? I have been doing great for the past 7 weeks; my self-esteem was greatly improved, I had made the decision to finally end a marriage that was not going anywhere; I was beginning to feel like life was finally good…and then today I crashed to the bottom. Why is this pain coming back? When will this roller coaster ride end? I just want to get off, and start a life! I have not felt this depressed in a long time. I started out the day feeling wonderful. It was the perfect summer day; blue sky without a cloud in sight, temperatures warm, but no humidity; a great day for the Company picnic. Went with several friends, and had a good time. I came home to my s2bx (was bringing back our dog) waiting for me with the remainder of the paperwork for our divorce. He looked good, and my heart still felt a tug….I guess the love is still there. He had indicated he was feeling better about himself, and he was beginning to think clearer; he said he still loved me; but that he thought his feelings for the other woman (19 month affair) maybe stronger. He said needed to have time to sort out his confusion; all which I have heard before. But, today it really bothered me. When he left, I started to cry so hard, and then it hit me. I was one of the few people at the picnic without a spouse or children with them. I was alone….very alone. I want someone to be with me! I am so lonely for companionship, love and gentle caring of the soul; but there is no one there. I am so scared I will never be with another man, for I will be too old. I am awakening a desire to have children; but I know that will not happen. I gave that up 10 years ago when I married my husband; now I probably won’t have the chance. I have given so much in my life; and I never get anything in return but hurt. I have been told I am a "catch". But, when will it be my turn….! I am so tired; I just want to climb in a hole, and never come out. I just am tired of being hurt. I do not know why God, is doing this to me. I have never hurt another intentionally, and if I knew I hurt someone, I would feel so guilty. I am a good person, so why are the good, always hurt? I am sorry for rattling on, but I needed someone. Is there anyone out there, who cares? Crashed to the bottom Lisa
Response:
Lisa, We have all experienced the roller coaster effect and each person has a different time table.I also believe there will always be a certain amount of caring or love for the other person, for the person we once knew. Sometimes people can get back together after an affair butt takes both people working on the marriage. You have to decide what is right for you. You can make it, a lot of people have made it and we all have weak days. Susan – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – When does the pain go away? I have been doing great for the past 7 weeks; my self-esteem was greatly improved, I had made the decision to finally end a marriage that was not going anywhere; I was beginning to feel like life was finally good…and then today I crashed to the bottom. Why is this pain coming back? When will this roller coaster ride end? I just want to get off, and start a life! I have not felt this depressed in a long time. I started out the day feeling wonderful. It was the perfect summer day; blue sky without a cloud in sight, temperatures warm, but no humidity; a great day for the Company picnic. Went with several friends, and had a good time. I came home to my s2bx (was bringing back our dog) waiting for me with the remainder of the paperwork for our divorce. He looked good, and my heart still felt a tug….I guess the love is still there. He had indicated he was feeling better about himself, and he was beginning to think clearer; he said he still loved me; but that he thought his feelings for the other woman (19 month affair) maybe stronger. He said needed to have time to sort out his confusion; all which I have heard before. But, today it really bothered me. When he left, I started to cry so hard, and then it hit me. I was one of the few people at the picnic without a spouse or children with them. I was alone….very alone. I want someone to be with me! I am so lonely for companionship, love and gentle caring of the soul; but there is no one there. I am so scared I will never be with another man, for I will be too old. I am awakening a desire to have children; but I know that will not happen. I gave that up 10 years ago when I married my husband; now I probably won’t have the chance. I have given so much in my life; and I never get anything in return but hurt. I have been told I am a "catch". But, when will it be my turn….! I am so tired; I just want to climb in a hole, and never come out. I just am tired of being hurt. I do not know why God, is doing this to me. I have never hurt another intentionally, and if I knew I hurt someone, I would feel so guilty. I am a good person, so why are the good, always hurt? I am sorry for rattling on, but I needed someone. Is there anyone out there, who cares? Crashed to the bottom Lisa
Response:
hi Lisa, i care and there’s alot of us here that are going or have been through the same the same thing. it just takes time to heal. i’ve been down that tunnel and there is light at the end of it. i’ve been walking in the sunshine for several months now, i still have a bad day now and again but i don’t let it get me down. i’m starting a new job tomorrow, theres to much new going on in my life to worry about what might of been, i still carry a special place in my heart for my stbx but thats all there will ever be. find things to do that you’ve never done but wanted too. come to asd and post when your sad or mad it does wonders just to write it down and get it out of your system. and know that you have a friend in me. your friend Augie:)
Response:
Lisa, I’m in the same boat and often wonder the same thing – "When will it end?" I have really focused my efforts on healing and have confronted the issues as honestly as possible. There are days I feel "happy" now, something I never believed I would again feel. But the sad times do wash over me, without warning, and I wonder if I am having illusions that life will someday be complete again. I wish I had answers, but I share many of the concerns you have. It has been three months for me – most people I talk to say the worst of it takes a year. One consolation is that EVERYONE says you come out stronger and clearer in the end. It is painful, but at least there is a silver lining. Keep posting – it does help. I hope your week goes better. Christine "I’m debating between buying a dog or having a child. I can’t decide whether to ruin my carpet… or ruin my life." Rita Rudner
Response:
BEEN DIVORCED 5 DAYS NOW. WAS MARRIED FOR ALMOST 9 MONTHS. I HAVE A MONTH OLD SON OUT OF THS MARRIGE. MY X-WIFE LEFT ME FR A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE WHO WAS MY BEST MAN AT MY WEDDING TALK ABOUT PAIN I LOST 2 PEOPLE I TRUSTED. I’M 23 I KNOW I’M YOUNG HAVE ALOT TO LEARN AND LIVE BUT I HAD SOMETHING THAT I WANTED A FAMILY OF MY OWN. I AM ALSO IN THE ARMY BEEN IN FOR 2 YEARS HAVE ALOT TO GIVE. JUST DON’T SEE HOW I MUST GO ON, LAST COUPLE OF DAYS JUST BEEN HELL FOR ME. I PAY MY CHILD SUPPORT AND GIVE HER EXTRA MONEY THAT I HAVE LAYING AROUND, I LOVE HER TO DEATH I GUESS I ALWAYS WILL. BUT HOW CAN I GO ON HOW DO I LOVE ANOTHER IF THERE IS A SPOT OF UN TRUST TO ANOTHER WOMAN IF SHE WILL DO THE SAME? ONE GOOD THING DID COME OUT OF THIS A VERY PERFECT BABY BOY THAT I LOVE AND THAT WILL NEVER DIE. JOHN
Response:
When does the pain go away? I have been doing great for the past 7 weeks; my self-esteem was greatly improved, I had made the decision to finally end a marriage that was not going anywhere; I was beginning to feel like life was finally good…and then today I crashed to the bottom Lisa
Lisa, Thank you for putting into words some of the feelings I have had! You should consider it a blessing you do not have children. I do. I love them and presently live for them. But what they are going to go through I would not wish on Satan himself. Their mother gave up on us. We had our ups and downs in 6 years to be certain, but even she admits for her the thought of working on a relationship sounds too taxing. (It’s easier for her to flaunt and nurture her relationship/affair with a long time friend of hers, an acquaintance of mine. The whole thing sucks for our 3 1/2 and 2 year old sons. They are sweet boys, deserving better than what she has planned for them. Unfortunately, due to financial reasons, we still live together. And will probably continue to do so for a while.) She sees her new man regularly, knowing I am providing loving care for our children as she spends time in his arms and his money. It eats me alive at times!!! I have to focus on the two gifts God gave me. If I put things in perspective, I know she does not deserve someone as good as me. ( I know it sounds conceited, but knowledge of the venomous attacks she has orchestrated would convince anyone with a heart to agree…) Our problem? Honesty, or lack thereof. She knew she hard a hard time loving me before we married. She was to afraid to let her family down by calling off the wedding. In effect she initiated a self-fulfilling prophecy… Efforts to improve our relationship on my part met with varied results, depending on her reservations of our imminent "failure" at the time. How sad! I married for the right reasons, not really "knowing" who I was marrying. I hope to have sole custody of our beautiful boys. I have promised her family (they and I area very close, and are equally puzzled by the actions of this "stranger") that they will not be denied their time with them, regardless of court decisions. My soon-to-be-ex is right about one thing, if I choose to look, I will find someone who will appreciate me. I’ve learned through the struggles how to give support, love, respect and commitment their place in a relationship. God bless, fellow griever P.S. My days are about 23:45 of peaceful serenity and 00:15 of incomprehensible despair and confusion. My internal comfort is in knowing that I will enter the courtroom and convey the truth.
Response:
You know, it is amazing, those periods reverse themselves. The time periods between the cycles grow, the emotions of the cycle quicken, and soon enough, you will go a day of feeling great! 
Keep your chin up, it does get worse, but it gets better too. And keeping the light in sight is the key, do not ever lose that… Wildman – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – When does the pain go away? I have been doing great for the past 7 weeks; my self-esteem was greatly improved, I had made the decision to finally end a marriage that was not going anywhere; I was beginning to feel like life was finally good…and then today I crashed to the bottom. Why is this pain coming back? When will this roller coaster ride end? I just want to get off, and start a life! I have not felt this depressed in a long time. I started out the day feeling wonderful. It was the perfect summer day; blue sky without a cloud in sight, temperatures warm, but no humidity; a great day for the Company picnic. Went with several friends, and had a good time. I came home to my s2bx (was bringing back our dog) waiting for me with the remainder of the paperwork for our divorce. He looked good, and my heart still felt a tug….I guess the love is still there. He had indicated he was feeling better about himself, and he was beginning to think clearer; he said he still loved me; but that he thought his feelings for the other woman (19 month affair) maybe stronger. He said needed to have time to sort out his confusion; all which I have heard before. But, today it really bothered me. When he left, I started to cry so hard, and then it hit me. I was one of the few people at the picnic without a spouse or children with them. I was alone….very alone. I want someone to be with me! I am so lonely for companionship, love and gentle caring of the soul; but there is no one there. I am so scared I will never be with another man, for I will be too old. I am awakening a desire to have children; but I know that will not happen. I gave that up 10 years ago when I married my husband; now I probably won’t have the chance. I have given so much in my life; and I never get anything in return but hurt. I have been told I am a "catch". But, when will it be my turn….! I am so tired; I just want to climb in a hole, and never come out. I just am tired of being hurt. I do not know why God, is doing this to me. I have never hurt another intentionally, and if I knew I hurt someone, I would feel so guilty. I am a good person, so why are the good, always hurt? I am sorry for rattling on, but I needed someone. Is there anyone out there, who cares? Crashed to the bottom Lisa "Seven weeks of doing great?" You’re doing better than I am. I have seven days under my belt. Still counting…. I’ve felt okay for short periods of time since I discovered my husband’s adultery last December. What he said was a fling has turned out to be a very involved relationship with a married co-worker. I still am astounded by their lies and deceit. Throughout our attempts at "reconciliation" during the winter and spring, he kept in contact with her and lied about it. Our divorce should be final within 7-8 weeks ending our 2 1/2 year marriage which was preceded by a two year relationship. She’s left her husband of 22 years and her daughter (20) and son (16). They still deny that there is anything between them now, but last week there were sufficient circumstances to convince me that this is just another lie. I vented my final rage at him and decided to get on with life. My feelings for him have steadily dwindled since last January after the intial shock wore off. There is no respect or trust for him anymore. A marriage with a liar is a lie. Like you, I am also in my forties without children. I never wanted any and after meeting his, I know that was the right decision. I am also convinced that getting out of this marriage is the right decision. The betrayal was so great that it has just about wiped out the memories of good times. The entire relationship seems fraudulent now. Some advice to you: Do what ever you can not to see him again. He betrayed you. You don’t need to be reminded of what has probably been the most painful episode of your life. Keep reminding yourself of the negative things you’ve lost: no more lies, no more broken promises, no more of that self-righteous attitude, and in my case, no more of his dysfunctional family. I’ve been told that the day will come when I will say a prayer of thanks for having this man out of my life. Like you, I wonder why God has put me through this. It’s unfair and I keep reminding myself of how sleazy it’s been. I care, Lisa. I expect the roller coaster will continue for quite a time yet, but I am enjoying some leveling-out times now. I’m not happy yet, but I’m told that day will come. Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal. You’ve done nothing wrong. Unfortunately, we live in times when adultery is received with a shrug. Look at our president — his numbers are good even though most Americans believe he has commited adultery. It amzaes me that as a country we have traded good morals for good economic times. Oh, well…. Don’t blame yourself. But try not to think of yourself as a victim. You are a good catch. He isn’t and most likely, he’ll do it again. But don’t think of that. You need to think only of yourself now. I hope your next stretch of happiness exceeds seven weeks. Susan
Response:
Hyphened names usually mean you are trying to ascert self confidence you do not have.
So if my name was like Wild-Man, then I would not have any self confidence? Oh, wait, maybe using the nick of Wildman is trying ascert self confidence I do not have in the first place? Shit, now you confused me…. Crashed to the bottom Lisa Are you overweight? Burt
Are you that character on Seaseme Street? No wait, that character was a stuffed puppet which made sense… sorry to have confused the two of you… Wildman aka self esteem seeker, II
Response:
My heart just leaps out to you. These lows will overwhelm u, at the least expected times, for no apparent reason. There are so many layers that a divorce affects those involved. Some that may not even be apparent yet. I wish I could say that they will go away, but they won’t. So, forewarned is best. Post here whenever, it is good just to express. Do good things for yourself —- walks are great. Distractions are good (no romantic movies) — do things u like, are good at. I have to emphasize this: At a time when your whole world has been torn about, I know this is incredibly hard. You just have to feel those emotions, try to understand the reasons for them (don’t deny them). BUT: above all else — try to vow too yourself (right now if u can), that you will do good things for yourself every day —- It is funny that divorce smacks home the idea that you are the only one that you can depend on, and yet it also generally makes you at your least capable at the same time. Write a big note or three and put them where you will see it. – Eat vitamins everyday (everyday now). – Take a walk everyday (somewhere there is no chance you’ll see the ex) — maybe find a walking partner. – Do one good thing for yourself everyday. (friend, groups, church, movie, video (stay away from romances (hard I know) & dramas), theater, music, counselor, hobby, garden, something new, explore your world) . – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – When does the pain go away? I have been doing great for the past 7 weeks; my self-esteem was greatly improved, I had made the decision to finally end a marriage that was not going anywhere; I was beginning to feel like life was finally good…and then today I crashed to the bottom. Why is this pain coming back? When will this roller coaster ride end? I just want to get off, and start a life! I have not felt this depressed in a long time. I started out the day feeling wonderful. It was the perfect summer day; blue sky without a cloud in sight, temperatures warm, but no humidity; a great day for the Company picnic. Went with several friends, and had a good time. I came home to my s2bx (was bringing back our dog) waiting for me with the remainder of the paperwork for our divorce. He looked good, and my heart still felt a tug….I guess the love is still there. He had indicated he was feeling better about himself, and he was beginning to think clearer; he said he still loved me; but that he thought his feelings for the other woman (19 month affair) maybe stronger. He said needed to have time to sort out his confusion; all which I have heard before. But, today it really bothered me. When he left, I started to cry so hard, and then it hit me. I was one of the few people at the picnic without a spouse or children with them. I was alone….very alone. I want someone to be with me! I am so lonely for companionship, love and gentle caring of the soul; but there is no one there. I am so scared I will never be with another man, for I will be too old. I am awakening a desire to have children; but I know that will not happen. I gave that up 10 years ago when I married my husband; now I probably won’t have the chance. I have given so much in my life; and I never get anything in return but hurt. I have been told I am a "catch". But, when will it be my turn….! I am so tired; I just want to climb in a hole, and never come out. I just am tired of being hurt. I do not know why God, is doing this to me. I have never hurt another intentionally, and if I knew I hurt someone, I would feel so guilty. I am a good person, so why are the good, always hurt? I am sorry for rattling on, but I needed someone. Is there anyone out there, who cares? Crashed to the bottom Lisa
BillBo .’ ‘. __ http://comp.uark.edu/~wborsodi/ . . . -{{_(|8) bzzzzzzz ’ . . ‘ ‘ . . ‘ (__/` ICQ: 4673467 *reply to address masked – replace ? with w = real email address
Response:
Lisa, Just remember you are not alone! Many people have gone through the same thing and have come out fine, and you will also. I know several couples with similar stories, older, no kids, etc., who now have kids either themselves or through adoption. One of my friends is 54 and his wife is 48 with two kids under 10. I know many men like myself (I’m 42) who WILL NOT date anyone less than five years their junior, and will happily date older women (again within about five years). There are many good men out there who have had their heart shattered as well, and need someone they can trust. Just take it slowly and keep yourself busy! Best of luck. Al – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – When does the pain go away? I have been doing great for the past 7 weeks; my self-esteem was greatly improved, I had made the decision to finally end a marriage that was not going anywhere; I was beginning to feel like life was finally good…and then today I crashed to the bottom. Why is this pain coming back? When will this roller coaster ride end? I just want to get off, and start a life! I have not felt this depressed in a long time. I started out the day feeling wonderful. It was the perfect summer day; blue sky without a cloud in sight, temperatures warm, but no humidity; a great day for the Company picnic. Went with several friends, and had a good time. I came home to my s2bx (was bringing back our dog) waiting for me with the remainder of the paperwork for our divorce. He looked good, and my heart still felt a tug….I guess the love is still there. He had indicated he was feeling better about himself, and he was beginning to think clearer; he said he still loved me; but that he thought his feelings for the other woman (19 month affair) maybe stronger. He said needed to have time to sort out his confusion; all which I have heard before. But, today it really bothered me. When he left, I started to cry so hard, and then it hit me. I was one of the few people at the picnic without a spouse or children with them. I was alone….very alone. I want someone to be with me! I am so lonely for companionship, love and gentle caring of the soul; but there is no one there. I am so scared I will never be with another man, for I will be too old. I am awakening a desire to have children; but I know that will not happen. I gave that up 10 years ago when I married my husband; now I probably won’t have the chance. I have given so much in my life; and I never get anything in return but hurt. I have been told I am a "catch". But, when will it be my turn….! I am so tired; I just want to climb in a hole, and never come out. I just am tired of being hurt. I do not know why God, is doing this to me. I have never hurt another intentionally, and if I knew I hurt someone, I would feel so guilty. I am a good person, so why are the good, always hurt? I am sorry for rattling on, but I needed someone. Is there anyone out there, who cares? Crashed to the bottom Lisa
Response:
Lisa, there are many who care. My divorce was final several weeks ago and I am trying to get my life back together. There are definite stages like anger, denial, etc., and I go back and forth through them many times in a day. I was talking with my mother today and asked her the exact same questions "When is it going to stop hurting?", "When do I get off of this roller coaster?".I live in a different state from my ex now, new job, back in school, things are coming together nicely. BUT, I called my ex’s house to talk to my son, who had already gone to bed. I chatted with her along the lines of "now that the ink is dry on the decree of divorce, let’s speak candidly". She didn’t have any new answers for me. I started a new career about a year and a half ago, and had been taking some real time-consuming classes during the whole time. Before I started, I told her that I would have to be a bit selfish with my time in order to get it done well. She said that she understood, now it’s done, and in Marchm she said that last year and a half hasn’t been all that great and she wanted out (she is leaving me for a man she met on AOL). I was always an involved, loving husband and father, never abusive. It’s a real shocker. This split was definitely not my idea. I went to a picnic at a friend’s house a couple weeks ago, 2 couples and me. I too stared at the empty chair, I was wifeless. I have a lot of self doubt, I think "am I attractive enough to get another mate someday?" those arround me re-assure me always, but the doubt lurks.. Divorced people in my circles say that time is the #1 factor that helps. If you need to get on meds, do it. therapy, do it. feel free to write me back. I’m getting sleep-eeeeeeee I will pray for you…pray for me also -R "Without haste, but without rest" -Goethe "Nothing is more important than this day" -Goethe "Once you learn to trust yourself, you will know how to live" -Goethe
Response:
I care Lisa. I share many of the sentiments you expressed in your post, I am sure there are many here who do. Know that you are not alone. When does the pain go away? I am not sure that it does. You were married, you will be unmarried. You will never forget. I think it isn’t so much that the pain goes away, but that it becomes less important. And when you move on with your life, the emptiness will go away. God is not doing this to you. We were all given free will, which means our lives are to a certain extent directed by the decisions of others. Kindof like a game of dominoes. We learn from others, others learn from us, we may never understand why we had to experience certain events – we just do. I am quite fatalistic myself, but remember that you have some control – exercise it. Concentrate on making YOURSELF a new life. I have been sitting here filling out the last of the papers, I hope, retyping the MSA and facing the fact that it will take a little longer than I had hoped. I am not in a particular hurry, I am just ready for it to be over. A good feeling. It’s been 5 years this month, maybe that explains why the last few weeks have been so hard. I know something of fear, this helps me (from Dune by Frank Herbert): The Bene Gesserit response to the Litany of Fear I must not fear. Fear is the little death that brings total oblivion. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. It is a rollercoaster – HANG ON!! The ride goes on longer than you think. But you will get out of the rollercoaster car and your life will be full again, you will be happy, I have every confidence that you can do it! If I can, anyone can! You have come this far, you can go the distance. All the best, Caroline "Nothing is forgotten, only left behind" - Robbie Robertson, Unbound === – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – When does the pain go away? I have been doing great for the past 7 weeks; my self-esteem was greatly improved, I had made the decision to finally end a marriage that was not going anywhere; I was beginning to feel like life was finally good…and then today I crashed to the bottom. Why is this pain coming back? When will this roller coaster ride end? I just want to get off, and start a life! I have not felt this depressed in a long time. I started out the day feeling wonderful. It was the perfect summer day; blue sky without a cloud in sight, temperatures warm, but no humidity; a great day for the Company picnic. Went with several friends, and had a good time. I came home to my s2bx (was bringing back our dog) waiting for me with the remainder of the paperwork for our divorce. He looked good, and my heart still felt a tug….I guess the love is still there. He had indicated he was feeling better about himself, and he was beginning to think clearer; he said he still loved me; but that he thought his feelings for the other woman (19 month affair) maybe stronger. He said needed to have time to sort out his confusion; all which I have heard before. But, today it really bothered me. When he left, I started to cry so hard, and then it hit me. I was one of the few people at the picnic without a spouse or children with them. I was alone….very alone. I want someone to be with me! I am so lonely for companionship, love and gentle caring of the soul; but there is no one there. I am so scared I will never be with another man, for I will be too old. I am awakening a desire to have children; but I know that will not happen. I gave that up 10 years ago when I married my husband; now I probably won’t have the chance. I have given so much in my life; and I never get anything in return but hurt. I have been told I am a "catch". But, when will it be my turn….! I am so tired; I just want to climb in a hole, and never come out. I just am tired of being hurt. I do not know why God, is doing this to me. I have never hurt another intentionally, and if I knew I hurt someone, I would feel so guilty. I am a good person, so why are the good, always hurt? I am sorry for rattling on, but I needed someone. Is there anyone out there, who cares? Crashed to the bottom Lisa
Response:
When does the pain go away? I have been doing great for the past 7 weeks; my self-esteem was greatly improved, I had made the decision to finally end a marriage that was not going anywhere; I was beginning to feel like life was finally good…and then today I crashed to the bottom. Why is this pain coming back? When will this roller coaster ride end? I just want to get off, and start a life! I have not felt this depressed in a long time. I started out the day feeling wonderful. It was the perfect summer day; blue sky without a cloud in sight, temperatures warm, but no humidity; a great day for the Company picnic. Went with several friends, and had a good time. I came home to my s2bx (was bringing back our dog) waiting for me with the remainder of the paperwork for our divorce. He looked good, and my heart still felt a tug….I guess the love is still there. He had indicated he was feeling better about himself, and he was beginning to think clearer; he said he still loved me; but that he thought his feelings for the other woman (19 month affair) maybe stronger. He said needed to have time to sort out his confusion; all which I have heard before. But, today it really bothered me. When he left, I started to cry so hard, and then it hit me. I was one of the few people at the picnic without a spouse or children with them. I was alone….very alone. I want someone to be with me! I am so lonely for companionship, love and gentle caring of the soul; but there is no one there. I am so scared I will never be with another man, for I will be too old. I am awakening a desire to have children; but I know that will not happen. I gave that up 10 years ago when I married my husband; now I probably won’t have the chance. I have given so much in my life; and I never get anything in return but hurt. I have been told I am a "catch". But, when will it be my turn….! I am so tired; I just want to climb in a hole, and never come out. I just am tired of being hurt. I do not know why God, is doing this to me. I have never hurt another intentionally, and if I knew I hurt someone, I would feel so guilty. I am a good person, so why are the good, always hurt? I am sorry for rattling on, but I needed someone. Is there anyone out there, who cares? Crashed to the bottom Lisa
Response:
Filed under: Loneliness Lonely
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