Lonely Loneliness

Fw: Re: Clarification, definitions, examples please..(averti)

Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – [...] av Good reading 8). Of COURSE I’m a very lonely person. I was born that way (it seems). It’s not even quantifiable as loneliness most of the time–more like some kind of pre-existing human condition. to Ah, the existential human dilemma.  Or one of them. I was existential before existential was cool 8).’ When was it cool?  I read Camus in about 1969, me thinks.  I think by then it was cool, however. I went to the library and asked ”Do you have a copy of Being and Nothingness?” The librarian replied, ”We have a copy of ”Being;” every time I look on the shelf for ”Nothingness” it’s not there.”

Did she say how she’d recognize it if it were there? Were you born that way or born into an environment that made you feel that way? I assume that no newborn infant comes equipped with a complex attitude like that–so I was being hyperbolic in saying that I was ”born” that way. It was nurture–or lack thereof. Yea, can I relate.  The "big dark place" that Eeyore talks about. Right. Nothing much gets in, nothing much gets out.

A bleak place to be.  Before int*gration, we used to show Eeyore colorful things and just things to stimulate the senses, and take turns holding him, and then sometimes we’d fill up some of the pits he used to fall into so he couldn’t fall in any more and he liked and responded to all that. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Of course, most people come equipped with the cure; if you’re lonely, go out and find some people to be with… It has to be the right people, although I guess just being around people with no connection is sometimes better than being alone. Well, no, not for me. My major configurations seems to be (1) alone, and (2) with one or two others. Hmm.  I like small groups of close friends,too.  But also can enjoy larger groups sometimes or totally anonymous crowds – like a museum or movie to be alone but not be alone if you know what I mean. I know but it stopped working for me a long time ago, it seems.

Different things work for me at different times.  Sometimes I just want to be alone, sometimes want to be with someone(s) who I can talk and relate with, sometimes just want folks  I know around but no interaction, sometimes just out in the world with humans around but no real intereaction. I’m not so sure that ”connection” has a one-to-one, er, connection with not feeling alone, anyway. Makes me think of the always/never lonely question.  The only time I truly didn’t feel so alone was when my insiders were still totally separate alters. I can see how that would be. I have/had a couple of buds here locally who are MP with _lots_ of alters; the kind that sometimes tend to take over and change the hosts’ face and voice, you know? And they said that not only were they never lonely, it was like BEING a small house with dozens of people crowded into it 8).

Yes, that was what it was like for us.  Is there another type of mpd?   Once I was driving to the zoo to meet a friend and when I got there I told her I felt like I was driving with a car full of kids. She said, "You were!" Kasey, Eeyore, Giggler, and Tomboy.  They were all so excited, and we planned our day according to what they each wanted to see.  Eeyore wanted the organutans, Kasey the elephants, Giggler the spectacled bears, and Tomboy the wolves. The part about having 24 roommates was really cool. The part about having them come out unpredictably was sometimes extremely unnerving.  Had my recent experience with the police happened back then and Annihilator had come out, I probably would have gotten arrested. I can recall her once really being nasty to the police, before I knew about being mpd, and thinking "Please tell me to shut up, please tell me to shut up." in my mind to the policeman.  And just wondering why I couldn’t stop my mouth from running over. Anyhow it is a sad thing to lose the feeling of not being so alone.  The insiders still exist in a sense, but not as they used to. Now if humans could do the Vulcan mind meld, it’d be another story. I’ve been able to do something like that with several people, but it’s works a little lower down the body hierarchy than the mind 8). I have a mild telekinesis; apparently a good number of people do but they don’t know it (since normal medical science is not geared to look for it). Some people go into massage therapy work because they have the talent to literally manipulate muscles and such without direct touch.

Never heard of this. No points on my ears, however.

Maybe that is what you are missing in life, if you get my point Chatting with the pharmacist is a form of connecting. Especially mine: she’s a knockout 8). Hmm, this is a bit triggering for me.  In a society that tends to value women so much by appearance. I apologize for that. I don’t tend to think about my thinks in the context of a larger society. I value this woman as a professional who does her job well and contributes to my health.

Glad to hear it Does a woman’s appearance really make a difference in the connectedness you feel for her? Hmmmm…to be honest, yes. In that the ”connectedness” only consists of my admiring the way she looks. I’m not thinking of asking her out or anything 8). See, this is an _unusual_ looking woman, an Islander, possibly a Tongan. She would be rather striking whether behind the perscription counter or walking down the street.

I see.  People of other lands are often of interest for their appearance.  Not sure why that is, but when I was in the Peace Corps the local people found us "haoles" (white man, stranger in Hawaiian) quite fascinating. I can relate.  I admire Tom Selleck, for example, mostly for his appearance.   My pulmonologist is very nice looking, but I don’t think that makes me feel any more connected to him.  Not that I don’t appreciate his looks, but it has very little to do with how connected I feel to him. Well, you’re not as narrowly and deeply focused on him (in the abstract) as I am on women.

No, at this point my focus is on people as people not as potential mates or s*x partners.  Hasn’t always been this way, and expect to get a bit more balanced in time. But having remembered the ab*se tends to make me cringe at the thought of physical intimacy. Though, to be fair, I have not chosen my more intimate women friends based on their looks; the connection has been psychic and then physical and then emotional, not visual.

Yea, that sounds like a neat way to do it. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – But what is really great for me is people who I connect with on a number of levels – emotional, intellectual and have a lot of interests in common with and who understand me pretty well.  Kindred spirits, you know? In theory, yeah. I’m happy for you that that part works. I take it it doesn’t for you?  I suspect that if you continue your journey, so to speak, it will some day for you too. Well, as p*ssed off as some people get when I say this, I have the feeling that my journey–the whole package, not just the self- investigation–is getting near the end. So I suppose what I’m doing here and with private relationships is as much tidying up–cleaning up the act–as it is any sort of forward motion. Or to be less windy, I’ve about had all the ‘’some days” I’m likely to have 8).

This doesn’t piss me off.  If you’ve read any of my posts lately you’ll know that I just got past an anniversary of a su*cide attempt, which was very hard to get through.  I certainly don’t judge others for having such feelings. It does concern me, however.  I would have responded to this sooner but too overwhelmed by my own stuff. Wondering what does it mean when you say, "have a feeling that my journey…is getting near the end"?  Like a premonition?  Or like you are actively wanting to make it end?  And why?   I’d really like to know and I’m sure others would like to know and help if at all possible. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – In fact it is something I’ve talked about more than a few times.  It is a recurring theme in some science fiction, in which aliens who communicate telpathically somehow get inside the head of a human being and comment on how incredibly alone human beings are. Part of the price we pay for all this critical facility, I imagine. I don’t think people are wired to derive full satisfaction from other people; elsewise we would have more St. Francis’ and fewer war criminals. No, I suppose the environment in which we evolved didn’t give an evolutionary advantage to kindredness of spirit. It seems to be a luxury in which one can indulge after the necessary conflict and clashing has been taken care of. I suppose.  In our highly technical world, even if being closer to people in that way contributed to health, modern medicine can probably manage to keep the biggest misanthropes alive more than long enough to reproduce abundantly. Hehehehe!! That’s the most neatly framed acidic remark of the week 8).

Thanks!  Now do -I- get a prize? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – [...] Well, sometimes I have been just plain unfair to people–in the sense of needing certain things from them, or

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Response:

[...] I went to the library and asked ”Do you have a copy of Being and Nothingness?” The librarian replied, ”We have a copy of ”Being;” every time I look on the shelf for ”Nothingness” it’s not there.” Did she say how she’d recognize it if it were there?

By the unusually empty emptiness on the shelf, I would imagine. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Were you born that way or born into an environment that made you feel that way? I assume that no newborn infant comes equipped with a complex attitude like that–so I was being hyperbolic in saying that I was ”born” that way. It was nurture–or lack thereof. Yea, can I relate.  The "big dark place" that Eeyore talks about. Right. Nothing much gets in, nothing much gets out. A bleak place to be.  Before int*gration, we used to show Eeyore colorful things and just things to stimulate the senses, and take turns holding him, and then sometimes we’d fill up some of the pits he used to fall into so he couldn’t fall in any more and he liked and responded to all that.

That’s fascinating. Like getting to be your own parent and your own child at the same time. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Of course, most people come equipped with the cure; if you’re lonely, go out and find some people to be with… It has to be the right people, although I guess just being around people with no connection is sometimes better than being alone. Well, no, not for me. My major configurations seems to be (1) alone, and (2) with one or two others. Hmm.  I like small groups of close friends,too.  But also can enjoy larger groups sometimes or totally anonymous crowds – like a museum or movie to be alone but not be alone if you know what I mean. I know but it stopped working for me a long time ago, it seems. Different things work for me at different times.  Sometimes I just want to be alone, sometimes want to be with someone(s) who I can talk and relate with, sometimes just want folks  I know around but no interaction, sometimes just out in the world with humans around but no real intereaction.

<nod I get the impression that most people have not structured and controlled their life–esp. in the area of human interaction– as throughly as I have. A few years ago I used to say that I tended to begin my friendships in the ”middle”–leaving out the conventional phases and more or less getting right to the power stuff 8). Seems a certain amount always gets lost that way. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m not so sure that ”connection” has a one-to-one, er, connection with not feeling alone, anyway. Makes me think of the always/never lonely question.  The only time I truly didn’t feel so alone was when my insiders were still totally separate alters. I can see how that would be. I have/had a couple of buds here locally who are MP with _lots_ of alters; the kind that sometimes tend to take over and change the hosts’ face and voice, you know? And they said that not only were they never lonely, it was like BEING a small house with dozens of people crowded into it 8). Yes, that was what it was like for us.  Is there another type of mpd?

I’m told that there are a few with only one alter; and more who have a great deal of control, internally. Whether they choose to exercise it or not. Once I was driving to the zoo to meet a friend and when I got there I told her I felt like I was driving with a car full of kids. She said, "You were!"

Heh 8). Kasey, Eeyore, Giggler, and Tomboy.  They were all so excited, and we planned our day according to what they each wanted to see.  Eeyore wanted the organutans, Kasey the elephants, Giggler the spectacled bears, and Tomboy the wolves.

Still sounds like a handful to me, even if nobody much else could know they were there. The part about having 24 roommates was really cool. The part about having them come out unpredictably was sometimes extremely unnerving.  Had my recent experience with the police happened back then and Annihilator had come out, I probably would have gotten arrested.

Yes, I read that with interest. Some cops aren’t even really interested in ONE of you; another one of you might strain their professional forebearance. I can recall her once really being nasty to the police, before I knew about being mpd, and thinking "Please tell me to shut up, please tell me to shut up." in my mind to the policeman.  And just wondering why I couldn’t stop my mouth from running over.

Well, if it’s any consolation, I’ve had a life-long problem with MY mouth running over, and I’m all there is in here 8). Anyhow it is a sad thing to lose the feeling of not being so alone.  The insiders still exist in a sense, but not as they used to. Now if humans could do the Vulcan mind meld, it’d be another story. I’ve been able to do something like that with several people, but it’s works a little lower down the body hierarchy than the mind 8). I have a mild telekinesis; apparently a good number of people do but they don’t know it (since normal medical science is not geared to look for it). Some people go into massage therapy work because they have the talent to literally manipulate muscles and such without direct touch. Never heard of this.

It’s one of those areas of science that has been studied for a hundred years but obscurely, for the most part. Duke Univ. has a whole school devoted to it. No points on my ears, however. Maybe that is what you are missing in life, if you get my point

Hehehehe. Live long and prosper. Chatting with the pharmacist is a form of connecting. Especially mine: she’s a knockout 8). Hmm, this is a bit triggering for me.  In a society that tends to value women so much by appearance. I apologize for that. I don’t tend to think about my thinks in the context of a larger society. I value this woman as a professional who does her job well and contributes to my health. Glad to hear it

Which I can do concurrently with being attracted to the way she looks, of course. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Does a woman’s appearance really make a difference in the connectedness you feel for her? Hmmmm…to be honest, yes. In that the ”connectedness” only consists of my admiring the way she looks. I’m not thinking of asking her out or anything 8). See, this is an _unusual_ looking woman, an Islander, possibly a Tongan. She would be rather striking whether behind the perscription counter or walking down the street. I see.  People of other lands are often of interest for their appearance. Not sure why that is, but when I was in the Peace Corps the local people found us "haoles" (white man, stranger in Hawaiian) quite fascinating.

I like people that are different from me, always have. We’re such a narrowly differentiated species, and yet so varied. I can relate.  I admire Tom Selleck, for example, mostly for his appearance.

Me too 8). Esp. now that he’s got some age on him. My pulmonologist is very nice looking, but I don’t think that makes me feel any more connected to him.  Not that I don’t appreciate his looks, but it has very little to do with how connected I feel to him. Well, you’re not as narrowly and deeply focused on him (in the abstract) as I am on women. No, at this point my focus is on people as people not as potential mates or s*x partners.

That word ”potential” is interesting. For the first time since I was knee-high to a Chevrolet, I’m not really looking ”for” so much as looking ”at.” So much of it takes place in the mind, anyway, that perhaps, in certain phases, the fact that it ALL takes place in the mind is not that much of a problem. Hasn’t always been this way, and expect to get a bit more balanced in time. But having remembered the ab*se tends to make me cringe at the thought of physical intimacy.

Oh, I’m doubly sorry. Once because you’re obviously a pretty good guy, and once because I have as an article of my faith that EVERYBODY who wants to should enjoy physical intimacy. Well, time has unkinked those problems, for many. I hope for you. Though, to be fair, I have not chosen my more intimate women friends based on their looks; the connection has been psychic and then physical and then emotional, not visual. Yea, that sounds like a neat way to do it.

You don’t run out of stuff to talk about 8). – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – But what is really great for me is people who I connect with on a number of levels – emotional, intellectual and have a lot of interests in common with and who understand me pretty well.  Kindred spirits, you know? In theory, yeah. I’m happy for you that that part works. I take it it doesn’t for you?  I suspect that if you continue your journey, so to speak, it will some day for you too. Well, as p*ssed off as some people get when I say this, I have the feeling that my journey–the whole package, not just the self- investigation–is getting near the end. So I suppose what I’m doing here and with private relationships is as much tidying up–cleaning up the act–as it is any sort of forward motion.

At this point I would like to say that the above passage got me in trouble all over the place 8P. I’m not _planning_ anything; it’s just a feeling. Or to be less windy, I’ve about had all the ‘’some days” I’m likely to have 8). This doesn’t piss me off.

I didn’t … read more »

Response:

Can a person just LONG without knowing what they’re longing for?

I do it all the time….  :( who-am-i — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

Can a person just LONG without knowing what they’re longing for? I do it all the time….  :(

Er, yeah. who-am-i

Hope you find at least some of it. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

a.

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness Lonely

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