Lonely Loneliness

Letter To Myself I Have To Share

Question:

Hi Chris! I’m familiar with the feeling. I was stationed in Schweinfurt 25+ years ago. Even with my wife and son, who was born in Wurtzberg, there was loneliness. I don’t know about the McDonald’s there now, but back then the hamburgers didn’t taste like the McD’s at home. Maybe it was the Czech beef. Anyway, we dreamed of Big Macs. That was the first meal we ate when we arrived in the states. I could probably offer suggestions regarding the girls, but I’m of another generation and they may not be applicable. Sounds like you have a good plan. My blessings to you. And, if you ever get to Louisville, look me up. Peace my friend! Nick .- SOC.SUPPORT.LONELINESS: Moderated group for providing mutual support to -. |  people who feel alone.  Flames, ads, tests & personal ads not accepted.  | |  Users can contact the Moderators directly at ssl-requ…@usenet.net.nz.  | `————–= SSL Homepage – http://www.usenet.net.nz/ssl =————–’

Response:

     For four weeks now, I have been the editor for the weekly sports magazine here at Stars and Stripes. I’m only sitting in for the current editor, who is on vacation, and it has been hinted to me that I might retain this position. The current editor is one of the few military people here. We found out just before he left for vacation that he will be deployed to Georgia sometime in Feb. or March. Another person in sports is expected to leave in Feb. She’s joining the combined staff in Washington, D.C., where they are supposed to start producing the newspaper by May or June. My contract doesn’t end until Sept., and they hope to begin doing magazines first in D.C., maybe by late Feb. Nothing is for certain, and although I was once eager to be the editor for this magazine, it’s quite a lot of work, no one really wants to proof my pages for me, and no one really gives any feedback. But for this short time, I can finally say I was the editor for a magazine, which has been a goal of mine for years.      Another goal I accomplished just a two weeks ago was covering a high school basketball game as a professional writer. I wrote two stories – a girls game and a boys game – after seeing the games in Hanau. I didn’t drive – I’ve had my Germany license for almost three months now, but I have yet to drive – as a photographer went with me and we got photos for both stories. I thought the sports editor for that night would not allow me to have two stories. He gave no argument, and he ran them on separate pages, with the photos. And no one said anything good about that idea of mine. Maybe because the stories were terrible. I was embarrassed and ashamed of the writing. I thus quit as a writer to focus on the magazine. No real complaints from anyone.      One I map out a plan, I’m leaving Germany. Nothing much left for me to do here. I have no loyalty to this newspaper. It’s dying really and will not last once the people in D.C. take over. Few believe that, but those who have been here for a long time know it. Most of them are retiring. I’m trying to find a way home, although I will have to pay for my own way home and to ship all my things home. That might take all the savings I have accumulated while here. And lately I’ve been spending too much money on things I have been bidding on at eBay.com. Some good things, but monetarily draining, plus things like vinyl LPs that I cannot play until I’m back in the States – we have a turntable at home. I’m sure people here will be upset and say nasty things about me if I leave – not that most don’t say terrible things about me now while I’m here. Just too chicken to say it to my face. I, oddly enough, will sometimes let people know what I think about them to their face. Most times I say it to someone else, knowing it doesn’t make a difference.      I need to go home. I miss certain things. Like eating a regular meal. Since I’ve been here, I’ve only had a few good meals, and even when I eat something at the military base, it’s usually the same junk because the selection is slim. I’ve lost weight. I can tell. Not that that’s a bad thing, but I’m not gaining muscle – just losing weight and feeling ill. I don’t seem to sleep much or very well. I’m still stuck in some other time zone. And I’ve never been a good sleeper anyhow because of my sinuses. And they are worst off here. When I was in San Francisco, even on a very wet day, I was able to sleep better than I ever had. I miss that city. But my plan is to return to Indiana for now.      There is a branch of Indiana University in my hometown. My sister goes there. I went to the main IU campus, graduated with a journalism degree, and got this job. Now I want to go back to college, get a degree in English and then find a job teaching English at a high school. I love words. And I want to help others express themselves. For weeks now I have not taken time to really get things off my chest. Usually the day’s troubles hit me when I’m at home, where I have no e-mail access. So, I tended to write bad poems. Very bad poems. I left work early today because I didn’t have any pictures to use to design the pages for the magazine. I went to McDonald’s, decided I needed to get something out, and came back to work to write this long letter. Maybe none of it makes much sense. But I share my poems, letters, whatever I write, in hopes that someone will read it, make sense and help me with some direction. Help me with choices. I hope someone will maybe see themselves, even if only in pieces.      I have so many goals. And it’s lonely here in Germany. I want to go back to college, and in English, because I feel maybe I will meet myself a young woman that has the same interests as me. And with the campus in Richmond being much smaller than the one in Bloomington, it could happen. Plus, it will save on housing costs to go to Richmond. I can stay at home, maybe do some substitute teaching and go to school the rest of the day. But through all the years, these changes which never seem like changes and through all these good and bad moments, I lack someone to share them with. Yes, e-mail friends are great. But I really need something more. My heart and mind require something more physical to talk with, to do things with and to just plain enjoy the moment together. Why is this hard to do? Maybe because everyone else has different goals, different directions and different ways of thinking than me. Opposites do attract, but they only work if you become interested in what the other person’s likes are, and vice versa.      I’m always checking newsgroups and websites for penpals. Dabbling in chat rooms or anything to find someone new to talk to. Someone who doesn’t know me. And I don’t know them. A chance to start over. That’s what I need. And being in Europe, I’m on a different time zone than my American friends. And some European friends don’t check their mail that often. They are busy with their education, and I applaud that. But it’s hard to find people to talk with. Especially when things go really crazy at work. No one’s waiting for me at home. I often feel relieved just to write these letters and never know when someone will read them, or if anyone will reply. I hope someone will. I could use some direction.      I feel like I should, or could, write more. But it becomes exhausting to try and figure out, on my own, what bothers me. I need someone asking questions or just engaging in an intellectual conversation. And I don’t make friends easily, especially being in this foreign country. Example: At McDonald’s earlier this evening, a group of boys were making comments to these two young ladies sitting at a table about 15 feet away. Of course I didn’t understand all their German, but one boy shouted that he wanted their phone number. Believe it or not, they got it. Why is it that rude boys like that got a girls phone number and when I even look at a German girl, she ignores me. And why is it that when I go some place, and speak German, they somehow know I’m an American and use German. Happened the other day at the supermarket (maybe I pronounced a word wrong or something) and at McDonald’s over the weekend. Do I really act and look that American, even when I speak German?    I hate this feeling of loneliness and desperation. I don’t know what to do or say. I just want to feel better about myself. Why is this such a difficult task? Peace. And thanks for reading. Chris ***************************************** Christopher Stolle * Copy Editor/Designer New e-mail: stol…@mail.estripes.osd.mil Homepage: http://php.indiana.edu/~cstolle ***************************************** .- SOC.SUPPORT.LONELINESS: Moderated group for providing mutual support to -. |  people who feel alone.  Flames, ads, tests & personal ads not accepted.  | |  Users can contact the Moderators directly at ssl-requ…@usenet.net.nz.  | `————–= SSL Homepage – http://www.usenet.net.nz/ssl =————–’

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness Lonely

Related Posts

• Question about brain work...
• always lonely
• Used
• advice needed please
• ..it's so quite it's spooky.....Hey Jesabel
• this suffering never ends
• Be Positive
• Prisoner of Lonliness
• i feel lonely
• Total Rejection