Lonely Loneliness

My roommate hates me, yes it's true!

Question:

Okay, here has what’s happened with my roommate over the past night and day: Last night I returned to my room at about 2:00 a.m., after a rip- roaring fun Saturday night with my MOM.  Well, my roommate was still awake, downloading songs off Napster.  Seated around him was some guy I’ve never seen and some girl I’d never seen.  Now, the other night I heard a girl screaming happily through the paper-thin walls for my roommate to stop touching her (I heard her say his name), in that playful "I’m playing hard to get but I’m really enjoying this" way. She was laughing, giggling, and squealing with delight (I was crying, incidentally).  Anyway, I heard her say something to my roommate when I entered the room, and I think I recognized her voice.  It was probably the same girl he was groping on Friday.  Also, the other day was "Sweetest Day," a holiday created by the greeting card companies as a supplement to "Valentine’s Day" (I guess for the purpose of making single people commit suicide..).  My roommate received some flowers on that day, maybe from this girl.  (I got nothing, incidentally) So anyway, the minute I walk in and am taking my coat off, my roommate glances at me and then looks at his friends and says "let’s go to Scott’s room."  All of them leave without greeting me or even looking me in the eye!  If I had been invisible, that scene would have been EXACTLY the same!  I felt like a ghost hovering aimlessly about the room.  It was horrible. Okay, so my roommate totally snubbed me then — or so I thought.  I got to thinking that maybe, just possibly, my roommate understands my loneliness, and that he actually escourted these people out because he thought that if I saw him having fun with them, it would make me feel more lonely.  I realize that this is a stretch, but since we’d been friends for 8+ years, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Hum.  So today I returned to the room after spending the early afternoon with my mom (she’s leaving for home today).  My roommate was there, ALONE this time, settled in at the computer and surfing websites.  I sat down at the other table and began to draw cartoons silently.  Okay, so get this: My roommate glances at me, then shuts down EVERYTHING on the computer, gathers up all his stuff, and exits the room, saying absolutely nothing!  I mean, what the heck?!  He hates me so much that he can’t even stand to keep surfing the web, just as he would have done if I hadn’t entered the room, while I sit silently and draw?!! Another weird thing to fuel my paranoia: I usually get at least a few people a day who post on my comic strip message board (readers of the strip, commenting on it).  Well, all this weekend I’ve had ZERO new visitors!  And, I finally worked up the nerve to check my e-mail again (I hate checking it and receiving nothing.. it’s so depressing) and saw that, viola, I received ZERO new e-mails this weekend.  It’s like the entire world decided all at once on Friday afternoon to completely stop acknowledging my existence!  I know I’m being paranoid, but I get this weird feeling that someone has been spreading rumors about me, both online and off, that has made all these people start ignoring me. Well, the online stuff could very well just be paranoia, and I’ll see if it changes in the next few days.  However, the roommate stuff is REAL.  Did he find out I’ve been visiting suicide websites or something?  I covered my tracks pretty well.  Hum, I also keep a diary on this computer (it’s offline, just for my own benefit).  I keep it REALLY well hidden, but maybe he found it somehow anyway, and was creeped out?  I don’t know.  I just don’t see how I could ever speak to him again!  The last time we even talked was when I worked up the nerve to ask him about the broken printer, last week.  The conversation was extremely forced and unnatural, like we were talking through clenched teeth.  He basically just brushed me off and bolted out the door.  And, I was glad he did, actually.  Just that brief, couple minute conversation felt like I was having TEETH PULLED!  It’s so weird to think that, in the past, we used to stay up all night, talking and laughing for hours.  Oh well, he’s popular now, and I’m not.  Time to ditch the geeky roommate. Ryan — "can he not find among those thousands someone who will listen to him? But the crowds flit by heedless of him and his misery…" (Anton Chekhov’s "Misery") Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

Hi Angela, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I wish I had some words for you.  I wish there was something I could say > about the tension with your roommate.  It sounds like he’s got an issue, and > I bet it’s something like this…"You’re always in the room."  I’d bet it’s > something like that, because I had the same issue with one of my roommates. > That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, though.  When I read your > post, as often happens when I read what you’re going through at school, I > was transported back to my own experiences.  I saw my roommate, I felt that > tension between us…It hurts.  It’s hurting me now, even years later. > Anyway…

I think you might be right.  On Friday night, I came home sort of late (midnightish) after being out with my mom.  My roommate barged in and, shocked, said "oh you’re here — I thought you left for the weekend or something" and left.  Later, when I was in bed crying and trying to fall asleep, one of my suitemates came in with a drunk, giggling girl, and said, "shh I don’t know if he’s in here!"  Then he flicked on the lights for a sec and said "oh sh*t he is!" and left.  I have a feeling that they wanted to make out, and possibly have sex in my bed, and were probably pretty put off when they found out I was there.  Maybe this guy and girl went back to the other room and started complaining to my roommate about how I’m always hanging around there.  I guess it’s a valid gripe, but believe me — if I actually had somewhere to go, I’d be GONE!  I’m not there by choice!  And, I sometimes do leave on my own, alone, for fresh air and stuff, but it gets lonely being out in the crowds after a while, and I have to go back.  SIGH.  It’s just so hard… > His friends may have something to do with it.  He may be peer pressured to > feel that way.  It doesn’t make sense, and I know it hurts, and it’s not > right, and there’s no reason for it, but that might be part of it.

I’m not sure.  I got the feeling that some of the people here were trying to reach out to me a teensy bit, at least, and include me.  But I don’t think my roommate wants that to happen.  THEY’VE said on a rare occaision "hey, wanna come play football with us?"  But my roommate has never said it ONCE, even though I played football with him all through High School, so it sort of seems like a logical thing to try and include me in!  I’m starting to strongly suspect that my roommate has the mindset: "this is my new, better world, and there’s no way in heck I’m allowing traces of my nerdy past in to muck it all up!!" > I really think you need to have it out with him.  I know that’s a scary > prospect, and I hate giving advice, believe it or not, but nevertheless, > that’s the advice I’m giving.

I sort of feel that way, too.  However, I fear that there’s a good chance it might backfire, and we might go from simple silent anger to outright, violent hostility.  And, I have to live with this guy, after all… college is bad enough as it is, and confronting my roommate has the potential to make it so much worse. Of course, on the flip side, its getting worse with me NOT confronting him.  I’m between a rock and a hard place, I guess. > Have you ever thought about moving into another dorm?  I mean, to me, your > roommate and his activities seem to be sabotaging your ability to make > friends…Have you given a thought to the idea that no one talks to you > because of something he’s been saying?

Yes, the thought crosses my mind sometimes, but I just don’t want to believe it.  I don’t want to believe that a friend of 8+ years could ever stab me in the back like that.  But, then again, he’s already abandoned me, stopped doing anything with me, and virtually stopped talking to me.  I guess making wisecracks about what a loser I am to his great new friends isn’t too much of a stretch, unfortunately. Many thanks for the advice and empathy! Ryan — "can he not find among those thousands someone who will listen to him? But the crowds flit by heedless of him and his misery…" (Anton Chekhov’s "Misery") Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

Ryan, I wish I had some words for you.  I wish there was something I could say about the tension with your roommate.  It sounds like he’s got an issue, and I bet it’s something like this…"You’re always in the room."  I’d bet it’s something like that, because I had the same issue with one of my roommates. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, though.  When I read your post, as often happens when I read what you’re going through at school, I was transported back to my own experiences.  I saw my roommate, I felt that tension between us…It hurts.  It’s hurting me now, even years later. Anyway… His friends may have something to do with it.  He may be peer pressured to feel that way.  It doesn’t make sense, and I know it hurts, and it’s not right, and there’s no reason for it, but that might be part of it. I really think you need to have it out with him.  I know that’s a scary prospect, and I hate giving advice, believe it or not, but nevertheless, that’s the advice I’m giving. Have you ever thought about moving into another dorm?  I mean, to me, your roommate and his activities seem to be sabotaging your ability to make friends…Have you given a thought to the idea that no one talks to you because of something he’s been saying?

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness Lonely

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