Out of the closet
Question:
My son has been prodding me to take my artwork out from under my bed, and put it up in public. I’ve been a closet artist for years, so there’s quite a stack under there. Our church has a big hall devoted to showing local artist’s work, so, with my boy’s encouragement and help, I took a big breath, and put 14 pieces up. Now, I gotta tell ya, that was 3 days ago and I started having nightmares the next night. I spent years trying to starve myself into invisiblity, and now I’ve stuck my heart and soul up on 4 walls for all the world to see, and judge. I figure that’s worth nightmares. Anyway, last night was our big Christmas open house, the Bishop came, the place was packed-maybe 350 people, it was a huge party. And everyone was looking at my artwork. ACK! You can imagine. I spent half the night in the ladies room, berating myself for being so foolish, and the other half peeking around corners to dying to know if they liked any of it. They liked it! I mean, they REALLY liked it! One man came up to me and said he’s an art collector, and paid me $1,000 on the spot for one painting! I nearly fainted. He asked me for ‘my card’. Huh? Card? What card? You mean, like, a *business* card? Uh……I tried to look cool about it, but finally I just had to go out in the parking lot, and jump up and down in place for a few minutes. Some other stuff sold too. I drove home in a total daze. A grinning idiot. Then it dawned on me, I’d been at a huge party, heaps of delictibles everywhere, food and drink everywhere I turned. And I didn’t even think about it. I’ve always been so fixated on the food served that I missed out on all the rest, the people, the singing, the kids, the decorations, the sounds. This was a real first for me. I was really THERE last night, joining in with everything, instead of playing hide’n’seek with the festal boards. And I’m wondering if getting noticed for who I REALLY am (the part I’ve always tried to hide), was filling up that hunger-hole I usually try filling with emptyness, or food. I FELT full, but it wasn’t from the belly. Has anybody else ever had this experience? I’m hoping I’ve stumbled onto something really useful here in my struggle with this ED, so I’d love to hear your thots and experiences. -CDW — BLACK HOLES ARE WHERE GOD DIVIDED BY ZERO Christine Wise
Response:
wow. that took guts. congrats 
merry christmas, huh?
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CONGRATULATIONS CHRISTINE!!!!! What an awesome thing for you. Not only did you show your work, but you were also noticed in lots of good ways because of it. Being a closet writer, I understand that feeling of "being put out there", and not knowing what to do. I don’t really remember being in social situations and being totally oblivious of the food. I have been in more social situations lately though were the food has not had such a prominent place in the evening for me. I am learning to focus more on the people or the event itself than on the food or drink. I have discovered many interesting people, and have even learned some things about myself in the process by talking with others. (This is a very big deal for me, the queen of isolation). Robyn
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And I’m wondering if getting noticed for who I REALLY am (the part I’ve always tried to hide), was filling up that hunger-hole I usually try filling with emptyness, or food. I FELT full, but it wasn’t from the belly.
This is a powerful and empowering insight. Wow! Yes, I would venture to guess that you have hit upon something really key to your recovery here, and which could also help others in theirs. Man, that is soooo cool that you got up the courage to go ahead and put yourself up on those walls, let the world see YOU…see Christine, heart-and-soul…. Kudos to you! –Connie — "Starving the flesh wastes the spirit." –Kandis Elliot
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Congratulations, Christine! This is wonderful news! You deserve it! Good luck becky
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Has anybody else ever had this experience? I’m hoping I’ve stumbled onto something really useful here in my struggle with this ED, so I’d love to hear your thots and experiences.
i teetered on the brink of musical fame. but my behavior and perspective on life and myself always precluded (or sabotaged) that success. if a 1000 people were listening to my music, and one of those 1000 wasnt paying attn, i figured, "i must not be good enough"…i was very self-centered and expected perfection of others… that perfection was really a reflection of what i expected of myself. anyway, after a power greater than myself took everything from me but my life, two socks, one shirt, one pants, two shoes, and my guitar, it seemed there was nothing left for me to do… what i learned in the first year after that was that it was ME that didnt really like my music. my music was very nice. a little too melancholy sometimes, but it spoke of beautiful desolation and deep deep loneliness and pain. some songs spoke of beautiful joy. so i started recording again and discovered that, WOW, hey, that music isnt really that bad. so i recorded, dubbed, recorded and dubbed some more.. ive been doing that for quite some time now… the music is beautiful to me. most of it is melancholy muscle country blues. (wtf?) it is a gift god gave me to express myself in a way i have no other way of expressing myself. and i find when i "cultivate" a gift like that, i feel more emotionally grounded and balanced. i also experience a greater sense of freedom. some call it art therapy…..some call it natural expression. I want to suggest to everyone to learn what gift you may have, learn how to use it, cultivate it, be grateful for it, and share it selflessly… selflessly does not mean "free" as much as it means "get my ego out of the way and let others enjoy it" (or not enjoy it) we must let go of the lie that everyone must like who we are and what we do. we must let go of the lie that we must like who everyone is and what they are doing. we must let go of criticizing either. i recognize there are things i dont like about myself. i also recognize things i like about my self. i hope to, at least, spend an equal amount of time on each rather than habitually focusing on the defects. i dont know if i said anything here.. but i said something. coming someday to a store near you. Frank James "Sundown Papa" 1. the hinterlander 2. big river blues 3. missing children 4. tall trees 5. obedient dog 6. snag pond 7. el doloroso 8. susy’s reel 9. sundown papa 10.walkabout 11.wandering brave my kid’s say, "dad, dont sing" so i dont. instrumental "mr. james (jim), who and what most influenced your music?" "hmmmm..mark knopfler, mose allison, leo kottke, umm…michael hedges, neil young, jj cale, my old music teacher (chicago and delta blues), doc watson, and those years in carceration, those years wandering brave..to name so few" is this a sales pitch? ummmmmmmmmmm……nope peace and regards
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Christine, that is so wonderful about your art!! I also hide my work, i make teddybears, and ornaments. I often thought about having a little craft sale in my home, but im afraid no one will show up….or renting a table at a craft sale, but what if no one buys anything. So instead I give the teddybears and ornaments for gifts, which i also enjoy. It is wonderful your son talked you into displaying your art. if you have pictures and a scanner, i would love to see your art. love, sandy
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Hi Christine, I am so happy about your artwork and that you shared your experience with us. It must be great to have your artwork validated like that, even though creating the artwork in itself and the process was probably reward enough, to know that people like it is an extra bonus. I went to a recovery convention once, and a woman shared her artwork. It was intense, but very artistic. Now that I am coming out of the haze of the e-d and drinking, I am learning to "be with myself" more. Sometimes it feels lonely, and I am uncomfortable with the loneliness. Creating art must entail some sort of "solitude", the internal creative process that is essentially alone. In a way, I kind of fear that process, but I don’t want to fear it. Do you have any perspective on that, that might help? I am a computer programmer. Writing a computer program can be a form of art in some ways. The process of writing a program has some similarity to creating artwork in that it can require solitude and focus. I want to learn to be more comfortable with that… the time spent on it, so I don’t feel my life ticking away, and so that I can justify "losing myself" in the creative process. Also, I want to find other ways to express my creativity. I have an electronic keyboard, so may learn how to play that. I’ve always had an ear for music and can play songs by ear, but no formal training. I’d like to try putting my feelings on paper… maybe crayons on a big sheet to start with… and try to feel what I am drawing. I would love to see your artwork! I don’t know if there is an easy way to see it, but if you ever take photos of your art and scan them, I would really love to see them. I FELT full, but it wasn’t from the belly. Has anybody else ever had this experience? I’m hoping I’ve stumbled onto something really useful here in my struggle with this ED, so I’d love to hear your thots and experiences. -CDW
I would say this fullness you describe is a goal for me at this point. It is something I think that is within reach. My life has been very empty and I am rebuilding it. I would love to be able to "forget myself". In other words, get up in the morning, and go about my day, doing the best I can and feeling like I am not struggling and overwhelmed. I think when I can forget myself like that, I will have some of that fullness, because I will be more fully involved in life. Thanks again for sharing Christine! Kevin K trusting the process…..
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And I’m wondering if getting noticed for who I REALLY am (the part I’ve always tried to hide), was filling up that hunger-hole I usually try filling with emptyness, or food.
For me, it was the not ever having known who I really am. Still don’t. Ed numbness helped me to avoid this painful reality. Without that, I’m compelled to acknowledge it and choose whether or not I’m willing to do what it takes to find out.
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Wow Christine! How exciting for you. I, too, would also like to see your artwork if you scan some. Congratulations! Brigid
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Christine! Whooooooohooooooooo! Sarahrein Justice – When you get what you deserve Mercy – When you don’t get what you deserve Grace – When you get what you don’t deserve "Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs
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. maybe crayons on a big sheet to start with… and try to feel what I am drawing.
kevin: there is a book called (i think) something like drawing for dummies. it comes in a mesh bag. someone else might have more accurate info. i have it somewhere at home, still boxed from our move. anyway, it is really neat!! it starts with you just drawing blobs or doodles and guides you through making creations out of them. i am NOT artistic but i really had fun playing with it. just a thought… take care, andrea
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ive been doing that for quite some time now… the music is beautiful to me. most of it is melancholy muscle country blues. (wtf?) jim: sounds really neat…can we really get it in stores? i wish i had some artistic talent but i dont. the closest i have ever come to creating anything has been furniture reapolstering. not to exotic,huh? take care, andrea
andrea….. focus remember your chronology backwards.. i.e., think of your life from today back to your childhood rather than going back and remembering from your childhood to today… there is nothing special about you? it doesnt necessarily have to be "artistic".. each of us is unique in our own special way… self-centeredness can distort this; an ed can convince us that we’re unique, separate, exempt, etc. when it comes to the ed, its problems and its solutions… but that’s not what im talking about.. i just thought id throw that in. focus.. remember contemplate enjoy but dont stare. when asked, "is your mission in life complete?" answered, "if youre alive, no, it is not"
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ive been doing that for quite some time now… the music is beautiful to me. most of it is melancholy muscle country blues. (wtf?)
jim: sounds really neat…can we really get it in stores? i wish i had some artistic talent but i dont. the closest i have ever come to creating anything has been furniture reapolstering. not to exotic,huh? take care, andrea
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cristine: what a neat and wonderful experience. you must feel really great today. i cannot think of a better christmas present to have gotten. i am so glad your son pushed you and you had the courage to show your wears. thrilled for you, andrea
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Filed under: Loneliness Lonely
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