Lonely Loneliness

Self-help.

Question:

On Mon, 11 Aug 1997 21:44:42 GMT, obroad…@cix.co.uk (Oliver Broadway) wrote: >On 10 Aug 1997 12:08:02, RJ  wrote: >>… I know I might be regarded as something of an idealist, but I >>think that if we direct some of that love out towards the world, we’ll >>help make the world a more loving place — people will respond… >It’s true. It works. I’m doing it. Many people love me, because I love >them. >Still no-one fancies me, though >Ollie

But what if you no longer know how to love?  What if you are numb, just plain numb, from the head, from the heart? Earle.

Response:

R.J. Good to hear from you again. You always seem to isolate the essentials and zero in on them. You are absolutely right about the self pity and self absorption of all of us. We all have a touch of the narcisstic in us and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but the inclination to wallow in self indulgence and self pity is in itself an isolating factor that precludes us from interacting with those around us. Can’t see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Anyway, I’m glad you’re still around because I really enjoy your comments. There are too many in this ng. that have nothing to say and yet insist on expounding their gibberish. Warm Regards, Don

Response:

Thera Research wrote: > We all have a touch of the narcisstic in us and > that’s not necessarily a bad thing….

 Don, Thanks for your kind words. I have been away from the group because I’ve been involved in some intensive writing projects and I’ve missed the exchange of ideas here — particularly your compassionate and supportive comments. I think you’re right that we all have a touch of narcissism — I’ve certainly seen it in my own case! And I think it is important that we don’t get caught up in a negative view of ourselves and the world. The best way to acheive this is in a mutually supportive environment which is how I see this ng most of the time. I’m glad to be a part of it. RJ — The Open I a journal of self-transcendence http://www.geocities.com/Athens/6812

Response:

On 10 Aug 1997 12:08:02, RJ  wrote: >  I think the basic flaw with the "I love me" approach is the >essentially narcissistic hole into which you can end up falling. I guess >there are many people who think it would be great to be self-contained >and to  need  only self-affirmation to go on living, but this is only >going to make our problems worse. Since so many of our difficulties seem >to stem from self-absorbtion and self-pity, I think we have to look >elsewhere. I know I might be regarded as something of an idealist, but I >think that if we direct some of that love out towards the world, we’ll >help make the world a more loving place — people will respond. In the >process more of the affirmation so many people are seeking will begin >coming from the friends and naeighbors they demonstrate their affection >for.  I hope the fact that such a notion has become something of a >cliche won’t cause people to overlook its basic truth. Just because >something’s been said millions of times doesn’t make it less true; the >message just hasn’t really gotten through yet.

It’s true. It works. I’m doing it. Many people love me, because I love them. Still no-one fancies me, though Ollie

Response:

Hi rmy…@unicall.be (Robert Mylle)  and all lurkers on alt.support.loneliness ! On Sat, 09 Aug 1997 18:01:48 GMT, You wrote: > As a cynic also,i can’t see the use of such techniques either. >It must be something to do with feedback,if one keeps telling oneself >"i love me" and "I like me and I’m the best me I can possibly be!" and >other such phrases only to be met with cynicism and negativism >from the outside world then to me this seems like a lost battle from >the start already,there’s little or no positive feedback.

Imho You can verify Your experience with a pocket calculator, of the cheap type: Enter a number > 1 and press x^2 a number of times, the number will increase. Same thing with a number only slightly < 1, and the number will soon reach zero. So, if Your initial overall self esteem is beyond the "1" You cannot succeed with simple-minded, well-intended selfhlp staff. Obviously, You need to find some regions inside Your mind-map, where the self-esteem level initially is > 1 (a hypothetical value), and try to work upfrom that region(s). So, it will always be a help to develop interests, hobbies, something to share with others, to get positive response. Cynism can be such a region, with the benefit You can interpret even negative responses as positive . ————— All life is chemistry, and thoughts are the catalysts

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Robert Mylle wrote: > >… > >Don’t get me wrong, I REALLY want to get better and I > >think this is the way, but I cant imagine how gritting my teeth and > saying > >"I love me!" three hundred times before breakfast is going to help > me. >  As a cynic also,i can’t see the use of such techniques either. > It must be something to do with feedback,if one keeps telling oneself > "i love me" and "I like me and I’m the best me I can possibly be!" and > other such phrases only to be met with cynicism and negativism > from the outside world then to me this seems like a lost battle from > the start already,there’s little or no positive feedback.

  I think the basic flaw with the "I love me" approach is the essentially narcissistic hole into which you can end up falling. I guess there are many people who think it would be great to be self-contained and to  need  only self-affirmation to go on living, but this is only going to make our problems worse. Since so many of our difficulties seem to stem from self-absorbtion and self-pity, I think we have to look elsewhere. I know I might be regarded as something of an idealist, but I think that if we direct some of that love out towards the world, we’ll help make the world a more loving place — people will respond. In the process more of the affirmation so many people are seeking will begin coming from the friends and naeighbors they demonstrate their affection for.  I hope the fact that such a notion has become something of a cliche won’t cause people to overlook its basic truth. Just because something’s been said millions of times doesn’t make it less true; the message just hasn’t really gotten through yet. RJ — The Open I a journal of self-transcendence http://www.geocities.com/Athens/6812

Response:

On 3 Aug 97 12:00:37 GMT, Frank Beaton <Glenga…@mclv.net> wrote: >…snipped the part about loneliness and self-esteem… >… Here’s my problem: I’m a hard-core cynic (no doubt >made that way by my condition) and I have a real hard time taking any of >this self-help crap seriously.

 The only ones getting better with this self-help stuff are the writers themselves.It amazes me how those writers keep churning out book after book with basically the same thing repeated,using other words and sentences. If they really were serious about it,they would just publish *one* book and be done with it. >… >Don’t get me wrong, I REALLY want to get better and I >think this is the way, but I cant imagine how gritting my teeth and saying >"I love me!" three hundred times before breakfast is going to help me.

 As a cynic also,i can’t see the use of such techniques either. It must be something to do with feedback,if one keeps telling oneself "i love me" and "I like me and I’m the best me I can possibly be!" and other such phrases only to be met with cynicism and negativism from the outside world then to me this seems like a lost battle from the start already,there’s little or no positive feedback.  R.M. —  my newsserver misses out on a lot of messages,      so when posting a reply,please send a copy via e-mail.                        Robert mylle rmy…@unicall.be http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Sands/3655/                      

Response:

In <33e472e…@news.lvdi.com> Frank Beaton <Glenga…@mclv.net> writes: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Let me preface this by saying that I’ve never posted to a newsgroup before. >I’m 21 and I’ve been suffering from a crippling loneliness for as long >as I can remember. My story isn’t much different from countless others >I’ve read here: I’m the architypal "nice guy", my loves are always >unrequited, etc, etc. I’ve thought a lot about it and done my fair share >of research. Here’s the conclusion that I came up with: >Loneliness itself is the reason why I’m lonely. >Women can sniff out a lonely guy, and there isn’t a bigger turn-off in >the world. No one wants to be involved with an emotional vampire, >who’s going to drain you of every ounce of caring that you have. The >problem is obvious, it’s a Catch-22. I’m lonely because I can’t attract >women; I can’t attract women because I’m lonely. The solution seems easy >enough. Just get rid of the loneliness, right? Well, how do I do that? A >lot of the material >I’ve read on the topic of loneliness (God, I wish someone would come up >with a less pathetic-sounding term than that) suggests that the main issue >is self-esteem, and that an increase in self-esteem can often eliminate >loneliness altogether. Here’s my problem: I’m a hard-core cynic (no doubt >made that way by my condition) and I have a real hard time taking any of >this self-help crap seriously. Looking in the mirror and chanting "I’m >the best! I like me and I’m the best me I can possibly be!" (a la Stuart >Smallly from SNL) just seems like a delusionary waste of time. It seems >trite and stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I REALLY want to get better and I >think this is the way, but I cant imagine how gritting my teeth and saying >"I love me!" three hundred times before breakfast is going to help me. >If anyone has anything to add, I’d love to hear it. >F.

You are not catch-22′d as you think. The answers are not difficult. What you need is some know-how on getting started. Take a look at www.successways.com for some insight on getting off the ground. –Tony

Response:

Let me preface this by saying that I’ve never posted to a newsgroup before. I’m 21 and I’ve been suffering from a crippling loneliness for as long as I can remember. My story isn’t much different from countless others I’ve read here: I’m the architypal "nice guy", my loves are always unrequited, etc, etc. I’ve thought a lot about it and done my fair share of research. Here’s the conclusion that I came up with: Loneliness itself is the reason why I’m lonely. Women can sniff out a lonely guy, and there isn’t a bigger turn-off in the world. No one wants to be involved with an emotional vampire, who’s going to drain you of every ounce of caring that you have. The problem is obvious, it’s a Catch-22. I’m lonely because I can’t attract women; I can’t attract women because I’m lonely. The solution seems easy enough. Just get rid of the loneliness, right? Well, how do I do that? A lot of the material I’ve read on the topic of loneliness (God, I wish someone would come up with a less pathetic-sounding term than that) suggests that the main issue is self-esteem, and that an increase in self-esteem can often eliminate loneliness altogether. Here’s my problem: I’m a hard-core cynic (no doubt made that way by my condition) and I have a real hard time taking any of this self-help crap seriously. Looking in the mirror and chanting "I’m the best! I like me and I’m the best me I can possibly be!" (a la Stuart Smallly from SNL) just seems like a delusionary waste of time. It seems trite and stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I REALLY want to get better and I think this is the way, but I cant imagine how gritting my teeth and saying "I love me!" three hundred times before breakfast is going to help me. If anyone has anything to add, I’d love to hear it. F.

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness Lonely

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