Lonely Loneliness

the ex

Question:

Any suggestions on how to not let an ex bother me so much? She still has a way of getting out of commitments ie paying off the second ( I had to ) .one small victory she is now paying the child support but she figures now she does not have to help out with the doctors bills because she pays child support. Before you all jump on me and say I am weak and need to stand up to her I am working on it that is how I got the child support again small steps…..

Response:

thanks for the advise but the divorce has been final for 3 years I am just so sick and tired of her problems and excuses. Yes the loneliness is a very hard part especially for a person such as I who enjoyed the hugs , hand holding and cuddling.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Any suggestions on how to not let an ex bother me so much? DIE? Just joking.  I know where you are coming from.  Part of it is still your emotional attachment and part of it is that she might know how to push your buttons. It seems it is all so confusing and the courts try to divide it up the best they can, but both parties still feel cheated. I don’t have a lot of advice to offer, I am new at this divorce thing myself, But I can say I relate to what you are feeling.  I think as time goes by, even without having another "person" I am feeling less lonely and empty. So hang in there! maria

Response:

My latest problem w. the ex (divorce final five months ago) is this. My/our daughter is getting married in two weeks.  My/our son will be going to college in the fall.  Both lived with me until my daughter moved out two months ago.  During the course of the settlement stuff, I insisted that we put provisions in there so that the ex (who works full time, gets alimony from me, and got $150,000 in 401K and cash), help pay half/half for other expenses, like college.  She refused to sign it and said that she’d "help out when she can".   Ok, now the bills for the wedding stuff is coming in, and guess who is paying for it all?  I asked the ex when she’s going to help and she gives me some crap song and dance about "I need the money for retirement" (in 20 years), etc., etc.  So now what do I do?  I’m basically stuck.  I can’t tell my daughter that she can’t have her wedding like she planned, can I?  The ex, before she was the ex, told her that she could have the wedding she wanted, so my daughter went ahead and started making all the plans, setting things up, etc. Course she neglected to tell my daughter that she wasn’t going to pay for it. I don’t think now is the time to tell my daughter that she should pay for it herself, what with all the arrangements that she’s making. What the heck is the ex doing with her money?  THe alimony covers her house payment, so what’s going on?  It seems like she’s just trying to figure out ways to financially screw me over, although I doubt she would admit it. More crap, just like the ex inviting all the relatives out for a week, telling me they’re going to stay at her house, then bailing out.  I got "stuck", at the last minute, putting five extra people in my house for a week. All I can hope is that my son’s college selection is not bad because I can’t afford to pay it all myself, if this wedding payment stuff is any indication of the ex’s desire to "help out". So, at the minimum, get all the agreements as detailed as possible and don’t expect anything else.  If you get it, fine. — Joe

Response:

Any suggestions on how to not let an ex bother me so much?

DIE? Just joking.  I know where you are coming from.  Part of it is still your emotional attachment and part of it is that she might know how to push your buttons. It seems it is all so confusing and the courts try to divide it up the best they can, but both parties still feel cheated. I don’t have a lot of advice to offer, I am new at this divorce thing myself, But I can say I relate to what you are feeling.  I think as time goes by, even without having another "person" I am feeling less lonely and empty. So hang in there! maria

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My latest problem w. the ex (divorce final five months ago) is this. My/our daughter is getting married in two weeks.  My/our son will be going to college in the fall.  Both lived with me until my daughter moved out two months ago.  During the course of the settlement stuff, I insisted that we put provisions in there so that the ex (who works full time, gets alimony from me, and got $150,000 in 401K and cash), help pay half/half for other expenses, like college.  She refused to sign it and said that she’d "help out when she can".   Ok, now the bills for the wedding stuff is coming in, and guess who is paying for it all?  I asked the ex when she’s going to help and she gives me some crap song and dance about "I need the money for retirement" (in 20 years), etc., etc.  So now what do I do?  I’m basically stuck.  I can’t tell my daughter that she can’t have her wedding like she planned, can I?  The ex, before she was the ex, told her that she could have the wedding she wanted, so my daughter went ahead and started making all the plans, setting things up, etc. Course she neglected to tell my daughter that she wasn’t going to pay for it. I don’t think now is the time to tell my daughter that she should pay for it herself, what with all the arrangements that she’s making.

Au contraire, Joe. Now is the time to tell her. Otherwise you’re accepting your ex making commitments for you. She lost that right, when she left you. She told her daughter that she could have the wedding ( which, let me say, a big and fancy wedding is not an " entitlement ". If a couple can’t pay for what they want, as a wedding, then they really ought not to be getting married, in the first place. ), so let your ex deal with the mess that she made. What the heck is the ex doing with her money?  THe alimony covers her house payment, so what’s going on?  It seems like she’s just trying to figure out ways to financially screw me over, although I doubt she would admit it.

Who cares ? She’s not your wife, anymore. What she chooses to do with her resources, aside from legal obligations to you, and the kids, isn’t of your concern. So, let that go. It doesn’t matter, and you cannot do anyhting about it. More crap, just like the ex inviting all the relatives out for a week, telling me they’re going to stay at her house, then bailing out.  I got "stuck", at the last minute, putting five extra people in my house for a week.

You only got " stuck " because you accepted it. You may want to start telling others that any committments that she makes about you, are not going to be met. Only the ones that you agree to, will be. Yes, you will get some grief about this, as the " gravy train " is halted. That’s the price of not letting her do this to you. It’s worth it. All I can hope is that my son’s college selection is not bad because I can’t afford to pay it all myself, if this wedding payment stuff is any indication of the ex’s desire to "help out".

Exactly. Whatever happens, don’t lie to the kids about what she didn’t put in. You don’t have to tell them that she didn’t, but don’t tell them that she did, when that’s not true. They’re adults, or almost. There’s nothing to protect them from, in this. So, at the minimum, get all the agreements as detailed as possible and don’t expect anything else.  If you get it, fine.

Very good advice. Everyone out there paying attention ? Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness "                                          David Gelernter, " 1939 "

Response:

Hi Ron, There is no real secret on how to not let the ex bother you so much. The way to do it is to…….just  make the decision, I guess.  And that sounds really simplistic, but that’s how I did it.  Don’t get me wrong; there are times when he still gets my goat but those times are farther and farther between and my reaction is not nearly so intense as it was in the beginning. The day it happened for me was like a lightswitch being turned off. He had told me (again) what a rotten, selfish, suspicious, blah blah blah person that I was.  I, of course, hung up on him and started to bawl.  And then I had a "EUREKA!!!" moment, and I decided that I wasn’t going to let him bug me anymore.   So I called when I knew he wouldn’t be home (hey, I still wasn’t strong enough for a confrontation) and calmly left him a message stating that he was, as always, entitled to his opinion but that I did not accept his negative comments and I wouldn’t own them, so he could have them back. Goodbye.  Deciding to not *accept* what he was giving me was a HUGE step. That was an important day for me.  Although I had been told time and time again that "just because he says it, doesn’t make it true", it wasn’t until I *believed* it that I was free of letting it bother me. It also helped me to realize that some things just aren’t going to be fair.  There are times that each of us is going to get the short end of the stick, and sometimes it is more beneficial to just let things pass rather than get all worked up about things that won’t matter 20 years from now. I’ve been divorced about the same amount of time that you have been, by the way.  Some people recover more quickly than others.  I think I’m a "slow recoverer" compared to some here, but I’ve accepted that, too, and am trying to realize that things happen in their own time and I shouldn’t try to rush my recovery.  Allow yourself to have setbacks while knowing that things *will* continue to improve for you.  So let the ex be unreliable–after all, there isn’t realistically much you can do about it.  You just continue to be the best person you know how to be, and don’t hinge your reactions on her actions. Lauri in WA Any suggestions on how to not let an ex bother me so much?

My real address is lauri AT crcwnet DOT com

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness Lonely

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