Two months paid sick leave…
Question:
Just heard today… don’t know how I feel about it. On one hand it is a relief. It is lifting a lot of the real time stresses out of my thinking processes. It is giving me the space to heal. It is giving me peace to find a good medical balance. On the other hand… I feel weak, broken, useless, pathetic, lost and totally devoid of any real motivation to fix the problems. I feel defeated. I feel like I have failed at something. I have never really asked for help in my working life, I have always sorted it out myself. Now it seems that I can’t do that anymore. Will I get better in these two months…? I doubt it. I think I will continue to get worse. I think it is written somewhere that my number is up. I think I have resigned myself to that fact, or I am beginning to at least. Otherwise I am fairly cheerful. At least I am not angry… I am resigned. Might be a good idea to concentrate on my writing projects. They are going like little steam trains at the moment. 
— "I do not know" – GlennT Learning… http://people.A2000.nl/gthomas/GlennHome.htm
Response:
((((((((((Glenn)))))))))) I can understand how you would feel both relief and despondency. I think I would feel the same way, and actually do to a point every weekend when I come home to a house with nothing but loneliness all around me. You are human, and humans can sometimes be vulnerable, although we all hate that. Don’t feel that you are inadequate because of it, you just need some time to heal, then you can get back on your feet and carry on. You will persevere, I have faith in that. Look at this time as a time for healing and accept it with gratitude. Take care of yourself and I wish you the very best. Julia
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Just heard today… don’t know how I feel about it. On one hand it is a relief. It is lifting a lot of the real time stresses out of my thinking processes. It is giving me the space to heal. It is giving me peace to find a good medical balance. On the other hand… I feel weak, broken, useless, pathetic, lost and totally devoid of any real motivation to fix the problems. I feel defeated. I feel like I have failed at something. I have never really asked for help in my working life, I have always sorted it out myself. Now it seems that I can’t do that anymore. Will I get better in these two months…? I doubt it. I think I will continue to get worse. I think it is written somewhere that my number is up. I think I have resigned myself to that fact, or I am beginning to at least. Otherwise I am fairly cheerful. At least I am not angry… I am resigned. Might be a good idea to concentrate on my writing projects. They are going like little steam trains at the moment. — "I do not know" – GlennT Learning… http://people.A2000.nl/gthomas/GlennHome.htm
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ((((((((((Glenn)))))))))) I can understand how you would feel both relief and despondency. I think I would feel the same way, and actually do to a point every weekend when I come home to a house with nothing but loneliness all around me. You are human, and humans can sometimes be vulnerable, although we all hate that. Don’t feel that you are inadequate because of it, you just need some time to heal, then you can get back on your feet and carry on. You will persevere, I have faith in that. Look at this time as a time for healing and accept it with gratitude. Take care of yourself and I wish you the very best. Julia
Thank you Julia. I have pushed myself beyond my capabilities. I’m not sure right now what my limits are. I hope they extend beyond my front door. I think they still do… but the rest is a mystery. I shall however take this time to calm some internal wars. I’m sorry you feel lonely on the weekend… — "I do not know" – GlennT Learning… http://people.A2000.nl/gthomas/GlennHome.htm
Response:
Might be a good idea to concentrate on my writing projects. They are going like little steam trains at the moment. What writing projects are you working on? if you want to talk about them, that is.
One is a story about a mystery and the other is a true story that unfolds as I remember… both for some reason are preciously private and for all intentions, may stay that way. May never get seen. Even my wife has not seen either project although she has read the odd page here and there. It is not very enjoyable in places… therefore rewriting is a constant when my courage fails me which is nearly every paragraph. The two projects mean I can chop and change as the mood takes me… I think I know which one is the *real* book though. The therapy is enormous. It frees me to talk to no one. Yet I still try and write it as if it was meant to be read. I think some of it is quite good a lot of it isn’t. I am writing in a non-linear style. I jump forward and backward on different chapters as the mood or memory takes me. At the moment it has very little shape… and mostly bones. Today I walked the dog and I started the laundry. The dishes need to be washed and I will get to them today too. I have a book to read and the house needs cleaning. There is plenty to keep me busy, but I’m really tired out by the effort of looking for the bright side of this situation that I am in.
That just wears me out. Being cheerful is hard work sometimes. Even when I’m not depressed. I don’t have any answers, and even if I did, you’d still need to find your own answers. Nevertheless, I will share any brilliant insights that reveal themselves to me The "paid" part of your time off sounds good to me. Good luck in your search for healing and medical balance. judith
The insurance costs me a packet in taxes and subscriptions but yes it is nice to have it there. For lots of reasons. I really wish you the best. — "I do not know" – GlennT Learning… http://people.A2000.nl/gthomas/GlennHome.htm
Response:
Filed under: Loneliness Lonely
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