Lonely Loneliness

A Bit of an Introduction: The Most I Can Do Right Now::Who Were They

Question:

My abusers were many as I am quite sure many of you have the same. The many.   My father, my oldest brother, two of my maternal uncle-in-laws, my maternal grandfather, my mom, an elderly neighbor, many of my fathers employees ( i guess I was part of the Benefits Package).  In adulthood there was a guy who was supposedly picking me up to take me to a treatment center, a therapist, my physician. Hmmmm, maybe this coulda been in the "Do I have a Kick Me Sign" thread.   How about you guys?  Did it seem every where you turned was w/out any safety? polly wog

Response:

Dear Polly Wog, I too, had many abusers.  My father, my paternal step grandfather, my maternal step grandfather, and countless adult men, all of whom didn’t want to recognize that I was a child.(almost all of the abuse took place prior to my 14th birthday). I’m 38 years old, a mother of 2 boys, ages 18 and 13.  I currently live with by boyfriend who has a 7 year old boy.  I love my boyfriend very much but have constantly put off marring him. Our story(and I’ll keep this short!) starts out as most incounters….we met in a country western bar in Fredericskburg, VA…..he was from Texas and I and from Arizona……we discovered quickly we had a lot in common, he was currently separated from his wife not sure if they would divorce or not.  I was separated and sure to divorce.  We quickly fell head over heals in love!  It was wonderful, except for one thing—–he loved his 2 yr. old son and couldn’t live without him.  He managed to talk his wife into moving to VA. and we agreed to part, at least for a while.  It lasted about 2 months, he was miserable and wanted to see me, I agreed.  I dearly loved him and missed him, I convinced myself it was OK. He picked me up after work and went out for a lovely dinner and then back to a hotel room—-which was were I faced the sexual abuse for the first time in my life.  I couldn’t get out of my head he was going home to his wife, he would support her, tell her he loved her and pretend that I had never happen.  It was just like when my paternal grand father would rape me and then eat dinner with my grand mother that same night!!!!!  I was a basket case!!!!!!!  This affair continued for months.  I became more reclusive from my friends and family.  I began to drink alcohol trying to make the flash backs go away.  My friends began to get very angry with me, none of them could understand why I Continued to see "this married man". None of them realized that I was helpless, he needed me and I had to be there.  I didn’t know why, and I didn’t have any control over it.  I finally couldn’t take it anymore the affair was distroying me and everything I believed I had become.  He didn’t understand how could I make him chose between me and his son.  The affair ended.  2 weeks after his wife found out and he tried to confess and go on, he couldn’t.  He left her and that’s when she flipped out.  It was awefull, I was drug into court and brerated, again the flash backs became over whelming, the drinking out of hand.  He still didn’t understand how the abuse could affect me that way, to him they were very different circumstances.  I couldn’t see the difference. We have managed to survive but that’s all, I still don’t trust him eventhough I love him so. Is there a safe place? It seems I’m looking for the same answer, prehaps we can find it. good luck, Polly Wog! Kathy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My abusers were many as I am quite sure many of you have the same. The many. My father, my oldest brother, two of my maternal uncle-in-laws, my maternal grandfather, my mom, an elderly neighbor, many of my fathers employees ( i guess I was part of the Benefits Package).  In adulthood there was a guy who was supposedly picking me up to take me to a treatment center, a therapist, my physician. Hmmmm, maybe this coulda been in the "Do I have a Kick Me Sign" thread. How about you guys?  Did it seem every where you turned was w/out any safety? polly wog

Response:

thanks Kathy polly wog – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Polly Wog, I too, had many abusers.  My father, my paternal step grandfather, my maternal step grandfather, and countless adult men, all of whom didn’t want to recognize that I was a child.(almost all of the abuse took place prior to my 14th birthday). I’m 38 years old, a mother of 2 boys, ages 18 and 13.  I currently live with by boyfriend who has a 7 year old boy.  I love my boyfriend very much but have constantly put off marring him. Our story(and I’ll keep this short!) starts out as most incounters….we met in a country western bar in Fredericskburg, VA…..he was from Texas and I and from Arizona……we discovered quickly we had a lot in common, he was currently separated from his wife not sure if they would divorce or not.  I was separated and sure to divorce.  We quickly fell head over heals in love!  It was wonderful, except for one thing—–he loved his 2 yr. old son and couldn’t live without him.  He managed to talk his wife into moving to VA. and we agreed to part, at least for a while.  It lasted about 2 months, he was miserable and wanted to see me, I agreed.  I dearly loved him and missed him, I convinced myself it was OK. He picked me up after work and went out for a lovely dinner and then back to a hotel room—-which was were I faced the sexual abuse for the first time in my life.  I couldn’t get out of my head he was going home to his wife, he would support her, tell her he loved her and pretend that I had never happen.  It was just like when my paternal grand father would rape me and then eat dinner with my grand mother that same night!!!!!  I was a basket case!!!!!!!  This affair continued for months.  I became more reclusive from my friends and family.  I began to drink alcohol trying to make the flash backs go away.  My friends began to get very angry with me, none of them could understand why I Continued to see "this married man". None of them realized that I was helpless, he needed me and I had to be there.  I didn’t know why, and I didn’t have any control over it.  I finally couldn’t take it anymore the affair was distroying me and everything I believed I had become.  He didn’t understand how could I make him chose between me and his son.  The affair ended.  2 weeks after his wife found out and he tried to confess and go on, he couldn’t.  He left her and that’s when she flipped out.  It was awefull, I was drug into court and brerated, again the flash backs became over whelming, the drinking out of hand.  He still didn’t understand how the abuse could affect me that way, to him they were very different circumstances.  I couldn’t see the difference. We have managed to survive but that’s all, I still don’t trust him eventhough I love him so. Is there a safe place? It seems I’m looking for the same answer, prehaps we can find it. good luck, Polly Wog! Kathy My abusers were many as I am quite sure many of you have the same. The many. My father, my oldest brother, two of my maternal uncle-in-laws, my maternal grandfather, my mom, an elderly neighbor, many of my fathers employees ( i guess I was part of the Benefits Package).  In adulthood there was a guy who was supposedly picking me up to take me to a treatment center, a therapist, my physician. Hmmmm, maybe this coulda been in the "Do I have a Kick Me Sign" thread. How about you guys?  Did it seem every where you turned was w/out any safety? polly wog

Response:

Yes, but I’m not giving into  being everyones scapegoat any longer, now  I see it before its coming, I only hope I  teach my children to have the same vision. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My abusers were many as I am quite sure many of you have the same. The many. My father, my oldest brother, two of my maternal uncle-in-laws, my maternal grandfather, my mom, an elderly neighbor, many of my fathers employees ( i guess I was part of the Benefits Package).  In adulthood there was a guy who was supposedly picking me up to take me to a treatment center, a therapist, my physician. Hmmmm, maybe this coulda been in the "Do I have a Kick Me Sign" thread. How about you guys?  Did it seem every where you turned was w/out any safety? polly wog

Response:

: How about you guys?  Did it seem every where you turned was w/out any : safety? It certainly feels that way…The constant loneliness is what I am almost getting used to, but the pain every time…it always goes wrong. There seems no one truelly honest and truelly caring. Truelly interested… Nothing of that….I am always supsicious, but most of the times I am correct in the end and that makes it worse all the time. And although I keep thinking loneliness might be the best, there is always some need for safety in the end in the unconscious. Take care. Annelies : polly wog —

Response:

Hi Annelies, From your post, I hear hopelessness.  Is this how you are feeling? polly wog – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – : How about you guys?  Did it seem every where you turned was w/out any : safety? It certainly feels that way…The constant loneliness is what I am almost getting used to, but the pain every time…it always goes wrong. There seems no one truelly honest and truelly caring. Truelly interested… Nothing of that….I am always supsicious, but most of the times I am correct in the end and that makes it worse all the time. And although I keep thinking loneliness might be the best, there is always some need for safety in the end in the unconscious. Take care. Annelies : polly wog —

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness

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