Lonely Loneliness

aargh. [socialization babble]

Question:

-I manifest a lot of stress in my stomach too.  :(  It really sucks. Yeah, it happens.  If there’s a positive side, when stress manifests in my stomach, I am usually spared panic attacks.  I’d rather take Tagamet than have panic attacks any day.

Oh man, do I ever agree.  I still have the occasional panic attack, but after experiencing them sporadically throughout my childhood and a debilitating nonstop bout of them for six months several years ago, I would rather go through just about anything than more attacks. The hard thing about them is they perpetuate themselves, too. -I missed the freedom day celebration, so let me say CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Thank you.  I’m _still_ thrilled and relieved.  So far, no post-divorce crash.   There’s a peaceful sense of "wow, it’s finally over, whoooopeeeee!".  Only significant concern on how I will find people to spend time with IRL.

Hope the crash is still at bay. I was very happy (and a little jealous they get to meet you!) to hear of the minimeets this weekend. I wish the friends I’ve met (or would like to meet) on ASD lived close by so I could have some friend fun once in awhile. It does help to have my partner here. I wish you had that. A good healthy one, of course -I’m so glad you experienced positive feelings about the divorce, and that you -have a decent relationship with your ex. He called last night to tell me he is working on being transferred out-of-state and will be speaking to me less.  I think he anticipated more of an emotional reaction.  Nothing to react to.  I was watching _The Godfather II_ when he called.  I was more interested in getting back to the movie.  It’s been weird that a man who "couldn’t wait to get rid of a boat anchor (me) and get ahead in life" called two or three times a day.  He’d do me a favor by calling less.

He was more emotionally attached than he either realized or copped to, I guess? Was he kind of like the others in your life, leaned heavy on you for the be-strong thing? It’s funny though, some people do that, but somehow make out like they are the ones doing all the holding up!  I really hope he keeps up his payments regular when he moves. Will it be hard for you to get around without someone who has a car? -I’m really proud of you, and know -you are starting a new journey that will end up somewhere good, because I -believe in you. Thanks.  Hold on to that belief, I may have to borrow it on occasion. I believe in you as well.  Your writing talent alone is a quality I admire greatly.

This means a lot, coming from you Claudia, and I thank you, and I am honored. Seriously. I have to change my living situation.  I have no idea how I’m going to manage it.

I’ve been thrown back into that, headfirst, and it’s all I think about, day in and day out. I am not living in an environment that stresses me out, unlike your situation (I’ll say it again, that sucks), but everything is falling apart and my therapist was asking last week, "So you guys don’t have to go to a shelter, do you?" The answer is no because my parents live nearby, but I’m trying to be creative how to hang on a little longer, without breaking us up just yet, though there’s other factors at work too that have to be dealt with, but still, how to change a living situation when you have no stash of money, no job or a job that’s not paying enough, and…well, I hear you sister. sigh. -When I was on welfare, I saw someone I used to go to school with -at the social services office. I sat there, and thought, Should I go up and -say hello? And I didn’t, because I was embarrassed, even though I shouldn’t -have been, and what if she had been embarrassed, even though she shouldn’t -have been. I’m less ashamed of being on disability than of where I live.  People are, generally, empathetic to my socioeconomic situation because of the divorce.  When I was still with the ex, I got a lot of grief from people for being childless.

I will refrain from giving you my small tirade on that one. Now the response is "what a blessing/how fortunate".  As a child of divorce (as was my ex), I’m extremely grateful no children are going through the pain of a "broken home". I’ve been congratulated and hugged several times by total strangers when I mentioned my divorce was final!  :)  The address of my building, though, is social death.  Smiles immediately fade and conversation stops.

Man. I imagine myself walking around with "mentally ill" or "ex addict" stamped on my forehead, but in reality, I get to walk around with no one knowing (if I can keep quiet about it, and hold it together emotionally). But you can’t hide where you live, and if people are going to shun or freeze…what can be done? That moment: anger, resignation, awkardness, even understanding I guess. Ha, kind of reminds me of when people used to ask how my brother died, and I’d say, unapologetically, calmly, "suicide."  The stop. Oh wait, suicide–what does that say about you? Or: I’d like to leave now! I’ve had great friends over the years who weren’t superficial.  I also had jobs and a "regular" apartment.  Yes, it matters.  A lot.

Anyone who says otherwise hasn’t really been there, I think. I’m becoming less defensive.  I’ve working on changing the "tough girl" image.  Much of it remains, it’s not as harsh.  I’ve already noticed a change in reactions for the better.

Over time I went from "hey let’s let everybody in!" to quick tempered and shut down. I’m starting to soften too, but even with my old friends, there’s only a bit of light coming through the keyholes right now. I’m a little scared to open up. I know you know. -We do have to face ourselves, but with tenderness.  Don’t be harsh on -yourself, just do the work with kindness and understanding.  And knock it -off with the 12/31 deadline, or I’m gonna come down there and give you a -good talking to! I’ve canceled the deadline but reserve the right to set a new one if I deem it necessary.

yay! okay! – I’m sick and tired of sleeping alone at night and living without – affection.  That’s another story… – -But it’s a raw one.  I wish you the best love story ever told.  I hope it -comes this year, but don’t give up… I won’t go there at the moment.  :(  There’s much that ASD does not know.  I wish to keep it that way.

I never advocate letting it all hang out on group. There’s some big issues in my life that are off group right now, and that’s important. Thanks for the reply.  I really like you.

I really like you too, my friend. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< minxvox

(((chimera))) ps. don’t worry about replying if you’re too busy….this was a long ‘un!  I never take offense!

Response:

Come on, Wanda.  How long have you known me?  Huh? "Overachiever" ought to be my middle name!  

Yep!  We are very much alike in that respect.  I try to do it all, and when I fail, I am really hard on myself. All of the things I mentioned were just suggestions to get you thinking about options.  I know how it feels to be "stuck" in a situation.  I wish you lived in Atlanta so I could be more helpful -And yeah, I know that even small steps are hard Not as hard as they were six months ago, at least.

That’s a positive!  Six months from now, a year from now, things might be better still. Hang in there lady! W.

Response:

I have a couple of ideas.  One is a spiritual group my therapist recommended.  There are other social prospects.

The most important thing is to be active, get involved.  If you join a particular group, don’t be discouraged if there is no romantic interest potential.  Once they get to know you, they will all be trying to fix you up with their brother/cousin/friend/neighbor. ATM I am determining how I can _change_ my circumstances.  It’s hard to stay distracted for long.  Biggest obstacle?  Money, of course. Even with court-enforced maintenance payments.  I’d have to increase my income long-term with a part-time job.  I mentioned it to my therapist on Monday; she is doubtful about my ability to work at the moment.  So is my Pdoc.

I hope your ex-husband honors the maintenance order.  It’s sooo hard to collect if he doesn’t, especially if he is moving out of state! I tend to agree with your docs about a job.  It is very stressful trying to hold down a job, never knowing when you can and cannot drag yourself into work.  For extra money, I would suggest doing some sort of work at home job.  Far less stress, and you keep your own hours.  If you feel crappy one day, you don’t have to bother.  If you can’t sleep at 2 am, do some work  Other than that, temping on a limited basis might work out, or even housecleaning.  I know you are good at that.  And I know there are plenty of rich people in St. Pete who would hire someone like you  Yes, I realize that those jobs are not ideal by any means, but you can fit them into your present situation and earn a little cash so you can change your living conditions eventually. Yesterday I went to a thrift store whose proceeds benefit abused families.  There’s many thrift stores in the area, I enjoy supporting their wonderful organization and went there first.  I found lovely furniture.  Since I bought multiple pieces, they took 10 percent off the total.  The store staff would not allow me to drag all the furniture 5 blocks on a cart.  A staff member volunteered the use of her SUV.  (I gave her gas money for her trouble.  Give what you get, ya know?)

Ohhhh, I love thrift stores! We chatted on the way, nice conversation.  Then we pulled into the driveway of my building.  She remained friendly but sighed. "Oh, honey, this place is full of drunks and whackos, when are you moving?"  Then she fell silent.

I bet she was thinking what a great person you are, and felt badly that you had to live there. Of course I will frequent the same thrift store.  I will likely be treated differently next time.  Ever since I moved into this tower of misery, when people find out I live here, they back away.

You never know, maybe they might even hire you to work a few hours a week helping sort out donations That’s what I am up against.  My building is notorious.  I have to move if I want any decent friends at all.

Are there no other options, apartments, for people who need help?  I know you are miserable there.  I hope you find something better.  Or hey, how about renting a garage apartment or carriage house in exchange for some housework or gardening? <the following isn’t directed at you, Wanda — you know better Before anyone says "just get a job and move", keep in mind what I must… It will depend on which is stronger, my desire for a decent apartment (and friends) or my mental illnesses.

You know I understand.  I don’t have half the problems you do, and it’s a daily struggle just to keep a job.  And I have family.  I have many advantages over you, and I struggle very, very hard.  For you, I don’t see how you could do any better AT THIS TIME.  But try small steps. Consider each one a victory.  Don’t try to take on too much And yeah, I know that even small steps are hard Love ya girlie! Wanda

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Starting to look at finding RL social connections.  Ever since I started concentrating on the subject, my stomach has been so upset, I must take Tagamet regularly. Going used-furniture shopping later, looking forward to it.  Since I’m stuck here for a while, going to make it more comfortable.  Need some pictures on the walls, too.  _Still_ glad to be free, glad the divorce is over. I’m weary and discouraged, even before starting the RL social seeking process. I wish I knew someone who understood that _potential friends *do* judge you on your living situation and circumstances_.  It’s going to take a long time to change my living situation and career status. Like it or not, perceptions of me are often lumped in with the negative, needy, "entitlement people" I live around. I get a lot of superficial attention.  It would be OK if it evolved into deeper, mature, sincere connections.  It hardly ever does. For the most part, as I’ve done everything, I’ll have to expend all the effort alone.  When I get tired, discouraged or scared, the only person I can count on is my therapist.  I’m glad I’ve found her.  It’s a professional relationship.  She can only do so much. I’m tired.  I’m doubtful.  I have to try, though.  I am sick and tired of being alone.  I was isolated in my former marriage because the ex chased friends away with his (ahem) personality.  Now I have no one to blame for loneliness except my own shortcomings. I’m sick and tired of sleeping alone at night and living without affection.  That’s another story… — chimera:  learned a lot, a lot to learn an obnoxious original since 1961 Claudia, I know what you mean. Ditto, ditto, ditto …

Me too I am afraid. Arne ( probably not original, but certainly obnoxious since 1961 also)

Jim :  learned nothing of any great importance and another obnoxious original since 1961. ( at this rate we can start our own gang! )

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Starting to look at finding RL social connections.  Ever since I started concentrating on the subject, my stomach has been so upset, I must take Tagamet regularly. Going used-furniture shopping later, looking forward to it.  Since I’m stuck here for a while, going to make it more comfortable.  Need some pictures on the walls, too.  _Still_ glad to be free, glad the divorce is over. I’m weary and discouraged, even before starting the RL social seeking process. I wish I knew someone who understood that _potential friends *do* judge you on your living situation and circumstances_.  It’s going to take a long time to change my living situation and career status. Like it or not, perceptions of me are often lumped in with the negative, needy, "entitlement people" I live around. I get a lot of superficial attention.  It would be OK if it evolved into deeper, mature, sincere connections.  It hardly ever does. For the most part, as I’ve done everything, I’ll have to expend all the effort alone.  When I get tired, discouraged or scared, the only person I can count on is my therapist.  I’m glad I’ve found her.  It’s a professional relationship.  She can only do so much. I’m tired.  I’m doubtful.  I have to try, though.  I am sick and tired of being alone.  I was isolated in my former marriage because the ex chased friends away with his (ahem) personality.  Now I have no one to blame for loneliness except my own shortcomings. I’m sick and tired of sleeping alone at night and living without affection.  That’s another story… — chimera:  learned a lot, a lot to learn an obnoxious original since 1961

Claudia, I know what you mean. Ditto, ditto, ditto … Arne ( probably not original, but certainly obnoxious since 1961 also)

Response:

Doesn’t this strike you as a compliment in some way, though? So your place is a people-repeller, but on the other hand, suppose they all said "yes, of course this is where you would live". ***

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – -Hey Claudia, how about joining some clubs so you can meet people with -mutual interests?  Like a bike club maybe.  Or a book club.  Anything to -distract you from your circumstances and allow you to meet new people. I have a couple of ideas.  One is a spiritual group my therapist recommended.  There are other social prospects. ATM I am determining how I can _change_ my circumstances.  It’s hard to stay distracted for long.  Biggest obstacle?  Money, of course. Even with court-enforced maintenance payments.  I’d have to increase my income long-term with a part-time job.  I mentioned it to my therapist on Monday; she is doubtful about my ability to work at the moment.  So is my Pdoc. Yesterday I went to a thrift store whose proceeds benefit abused families.  There’s many thrift stores in the area, I enjoy supporting their wonderful organization and went there first.  I found lovely furniture.  Since I bought multiple pieces, they took 10 percent off the total.  The store staff would not allow me to drag all the furniture 5 blocks on a cart.  A staff member volunteered the use of her SUV.  (I gave her gas money for her trouble.  Give what you get, ya know?) We chatted on the way, nice conversation.  Then we pulled into the driveway of my building.  She remained friendly but sighed. "Oh, honey, this place is full of drunks and whackos, when are you moving?"  Then she fell silent. Of course I will frequent the same thrift store.  I will likely be treated differently next time.  Ever since I moved into this tower of misery, when people find out I live here, they back away. That’s what I am up against.  My building is notorious.  I have to move if I want any decent friends at all. <the following isn’t directed at you, Wanda — you know better Before anyone says "just get a job and move", keep in mind what I must… It will depend on which is stronger, my desire for a decent apartment (and friends) or my mental illnesses. — chimera:  learned a lot, a lot to learn an obnoxious original since 1961

Response:

Starting to look at finding RL social connections.  Ever since I started concentrating on the subject, my stomach has been so upset, I must take Tagamet regularly.

I manifest a lot of stress in my stomach too.  :(  It really sucks. Going used-furniture shopping later, looking forward to it.  Since I’m stuck here for a while, going to make it more comfortable.  Need some pictures on the walls, too.  _Still_ glad to be free, glad the divorce is over.

I missed the freedom day celebration, so let me say CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I’m so glad you experienced positive feelings about the divorce, and that you have a decent relationship with your ex.  I’m really proud of you, and know you are starting a new journey that will end up somewhere good, because I believe in you. I’m weary and discouraged, even before starting the RL social seeking process.

Which I hear, and is totally valid. It’s a hard road. I wish I knew someone who understood that _potential friends *do* judge you on your living situation and circumstances_.  It’s going to take a long time to change my living situation and career status. Like it or not, perceptions of me are often lumped in with the negative, needy, "entitlement people" I live around.

People judge, that’s a fact.  A lot of people.  The quality people don’t, or at least reserve judgment, and those are the ones I hope will find you, or you them.  When I was on welfare, I saw someone I used to go to school with at the social services office. I sat there, and thought, Should I go up and say hello? And I didn’t, because I was embarrassed, even though I shouldn’t have been, and what if she had been embarrassed, even though she shouldn’t have been. I get a lot of superficial attention.  It would be OK if it evolved into deeper, mature, sincere connections.  It hardly ever does.

This makes me sad.  I have gotten a lot of superficial attention in the past (I’ve closed down a lot, and hidden my radiance and body too, and I don’t live in an environment where I’m exposed like you are), but I also made a lot of deep connections. It probably does have a lot to do with your situation right now–where you live, and not being able to be in environments where you can meet some nicer, smarter, more sensitive people–and you’ve had a rough ass life, and that makes you defensive, protective.  Understandably! For the most part, as I’ve done everything, I’ll have to expend all the effort alone.  When I get tired, discouraged or scared, the only person I can count on is my therapist.  I’m glad I’ve found her.  It’s a professional relationship.  She can only do so much.

True, but it’s a foundation relationship, and that’s important.  I’m so glad you finally found someone you can talk to.  Hang in there, baby, it starts here, and will grow out and up. I’m tired.  I’m doubtful.  I have to try, though.  I am sick and tired of being alone.  I was isolated in my former marriage because the ex chased friends away with his (ahem) personality.  Now I have no one to blame for loneliness except my own shortcomings.

We do have to face ourselves, but with tenderness.  Don’t be harsh on yourself, just do the work with kindness and understanding.  And knock it off with the 12/31 deadline, or I’m gonna come down there and give you a good talking to! I’m sick and tired of sleeping alone at night and living without affection.  That’s another story…

But it’s a raw one.  I wish you the best love story ever told.  I hope it comes this year, but don’t give up… love minx

Response:

Hey Claudia, how about joining some clubs so you can meet people with mutual interests?  Like a bike club maybe.  Or a book club.  Anything to distract you from your circumstances and allow you to meet new people. Wanda

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Starting to look at finding RL social connections.  Ever since I started concentrating on the subject, my stomach has been so upset, I must take Tagamet regularly. Going used-furniture shopping later, looking forward to it.  Since I’m stuck here for a while, going to make it more comfortable.  Need some pictures on the walls, too.  _Still_ glad to be free, glad the divorce is over. I’m weary and discouraged, even before starting the RL social seeking process. I wish I knew someone who understood that _potential friends *do* judge you on your living situation and circumstances_.  It’s going to take a long time to change my living situation and career status. Like it or not, perceptions of me are often lumped in with the negative, needy, "entitlement people" I live around. I get a lot of superficial attention.  It would be OK if it evolved into deeper, mature, sincere connections.  It hardly ever does. For the most part, as I’ve done everything, I’ll have to expend all the effort alone.  When I get tired, discouraged or scared, the only person I can count on is my therapist.  I’m glad I’ve found her.  It’s a professional relationship.  She can only do so much. I’m tired.  I’m doubtful.  I have to try, though.  I am sick and tired of being alone.  I was isolated in my former marriage because the ex chased friends away with his (ahem) personality.  Now I have no one to blame for loneliness except my own shortcomings. I’m sick and tired of sleeping alone at night and living without affection.  That’s another story… — chimera:  learned a lot, a lot to learn an obnoxious original since 1961

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness

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