ADVICE NEEDED…..PLEASE !!
Question:
I really think your wife was just reaching out for someone to talk to, sometimes people drift apart and the loneliness sets in. Surely, if she were intending something more serious, she would have done so, given the chance. As long as there are no unexplained trips, or periods when she could have been unaccounted for, then this episode was merely just a call for help. You would know better than anyone, if there are still feelings left in the relationship. Sometimes the LORD works in mysterious ways and a kick in the teeth comes in a strange form. I would suggest reminding her why she fell in love with you and you with her. Sometimes, remembering the beginning can open up a whole new outlook on things. We tend to get bogged down in the every day stuff and forget why we made the promises made in the wedding ceremony. I know sometimes, I have to remind myself about the wonderful reasons I decided to become one with the man I am married to. — Posted via Talkway – http://www.talkway.com Exchange ideas on practically anything ™.
Response:
On Thu, 4 Nov 1999 05:03:21 -0600 (CST), Fish4ever…@webtv.net (Trey) wrote: >I just found this group tonite, looks like there are some good people >here with good advice. I could sure use some.
<snip> Hard to tell if your marriage has a serious problem or if this is a minor glitch that can be fixed … just do not ignore what happened. There are many books that can help open the lines of communication, there are marriage strengthening groups/encounters and there are marriage counselors who are trained just for this kind of thing. Whatever the cause, clearly it is time for both of you to invest some real effort in your relationship … don’t throw away a perfectly good relationship over this. One minor point .. you said: >The other day I tried to make a long distance phone call but >the phone Co. said my long distance service has been cut off until a >$400+ bill is taken care of. We don’t make a lot long distance calls >so I knew it had to be a mistake. Come to find out it was almost 2000 >min. of calls made to the same # in Cal. (we are in Tx.) all between >1:30 am and 4:30 am.
You have the wrong long distance carrier if you are paying over 20 cents per minute for calls, especially at non-peak hours. Anything more than a dime is a rip-off – in fact, Big Zoo would have cost 3.9 cents/minute but then you would never have been aware of what was going on if your wife had her own credit card and you never saw the monthly statements. Oddly, having such a high priced LD carrier may have nipped this in the bud … the world works in mysterious ways … and has sent a big wake up signal to both of you. Best of luck in rebuilding your marriage. Floridanewbie
Response:
i just went trough a simliar thing with my husband. i found out he was talking to a girl in one of the chatrooms, e-mailing her and found her phone # in his wallet (once i’m onto something i don’t stop til the truth is mine to know). i kept quiet for a couple of days since our relationship was on the downside anyways. after a couple of days it bugged me so much i just come out and told him that i knew and asked him what he was doing… he told me him and her started chatting and she told him her husband was abuseive and he (my husband)felt bad for her and bla, bla…. i asked him why they are calling each other darling and baby and all that if they are only talking out of support purposes…if he told her he was married….and more. i pretty much didn’t get a straight answer from him which told me that there was a little more going on than he said…. to make a long story short…he told her not to contact her anymore, i shut his ‘private room acess’ off (since i’m the primary account) and i told him that i won’t trust him for a while (which means i will snoop every second i can get) and to expect it to be a long while…. there is nothing you will really be able to do… i still get that nagging feeling….1 month after all that… svenja
Response:
>I guess the part that really has me concerned is the degree in >which the conversations took place. Her knowing that that >phone bill would eventually have to be payed. Payed by >me, and yet she still kept calling. this makes me think that their >relationship was quickly becoming more and more serious, >and on a fast track, a track leading to the next step.
Maybe if you just skew your viewpoint a little, it might help you out a bit. Instead of focusing on what the phone calls meant as far as the level of their relationship, why don’t you look at how desperate your wife must have been for some- one to talk to and to listen to her. You’re right in that she *knew* that you were going to see the phone bill and ask about it so what does that say about the level of her des- peration? — Tracey "All a parent, *any* parent, can do is give it their best shot, right or wrong. The actual outcome rests on so many variables, no single person can assume responsibility, blame or praise for whatever happens…. We’ve got to remember not to try to shoulder the blame for what other people do…." –Aahz–
Response:
Hi, Thanks for all the input, both here and e-mails. As far as what changed 8 yrs. ago, it was my career. For 17 yrs I worked at a job where I got a paycheck every Fri. regardless of what I did. I was then offered, what amounts to a partnership in a business. You know, a chance to get out of it what I put in to it. I threw myself into it with both feet, working long hours for weeks at a time. My career had taken precedents over everything else. Looking back at it now I see that In doing so, I lost sight of why I was doing it in the first place, a better life for all of us. I guess I still have not fully reset my priorities, but I am trying. As for the reason she started this long distance relationship, yes I agree it was probably nothing more than needing someone to talk to, someone in the same situation. I guess the part that really has me concerned is the degree in which the conversations took place. Her knowing that that phone bill would eventually have to be payed. Payed by me, and yet she still kept calling. this makes me think that their relationship was quickly becoming more and more serious, and on a fast track, a track leading to the next step. I don’t know if it would have ever gone any further than it did. I do know she had talked about a meeting that was being planned with some of the girls she had made friends with in the chat room. this concerns deeply. We have talked about all of this, and one minute I think I have a handle on it. Then I re-live it all over again and I’m right back where I started. The hardest part of all of this. is that it’s not a cut and dried issue, like it would be if she would have had a physical affair. This is a grey area for me, something I have never considered before. In the mean time, I will do my best to open the lines of communications up more with her to work this out, something I have never been very good at, and what probably caused this to happen in the first place. This brings up another issue. After making love is when I feel like I can talk to her about any and everything, and there is nothing we can’t work out. I’m sure it’s the closeness I feel afterwards. And like most women, she needs the closeness before she can make love, and I can understand that. It’s kind of ironic isn’t it. Sometimes I wish she would throw me down on the bed and not let me up for hours so maybe we could get through this. Pretty selfishof me don’t you think? Anyways thanks again for the input, and this concludes part two of "confused in Tx."
Response:
Hi Trey, If you have looked at the many similar stories here you can see a scenario that repeats in many variations but is usually simplified to: Neglected spouse seeks comfort/excitement outside his/her marriage with member of opposite sex, other spouse discovers this and longtime safe world is shattered/changed forever. Some have had spouses make actual contact, some just email, some just chat, in your case just that and voice contact. To the spouse who feels betrayed, how far the level of contact rose physically is really second to the fact that it was initiated all! You feel hurt, and inadequate – wondering, "What am I not giving her/him that they need to search elsewhere?" and you also feel angry and sorrowful. Well, at least that was how I felt at the time, I thought life had ended, then I found it didn’t; then after many false starts, felt we would never resolve it, but eventually we did; then I felt I could never trust again, but after having it proved to me, found I could. Now I look back and it doesn’t seem like as big a deal as I thought at the time, especially compared to the much worse situations I have read here. But you can’t be so objective when your emotions are in turmoil from such an unexpected shock. So I guess I am just trying to tell you that yes, you are feeling horrible now and may for awhile and you may feel good again just to have it go right back to bad BUT if you are both sincere in wanting to fix the things that led to this, it WILL get better and you may even have a better marriage as a result. If either one of you doesn’t want to fix it, then it won’t work, but let’s just assume the positive is true. Good Luck! m In article <23539-382167F…@storefull-232.iap.bryant.webtv.net>, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Fish4ever…@webtv.net (Trey) wrote: > Hi Everyone, > I just found this group tonite, looks like there are some good people > here with good advice. I could sure use some. > I’m 39, male, married for 18 yrs. to a wonderful women that I love very > much, we have two beautiful girls together. For the first 10 years, our > marriage was great, the last eight has been a little rocky. This has > been more my fault than hers. Something change in me, for whatever > reason , I not sure why, but I quit giving her the attention that I once > did. I take full responsibility for that and I want to change it, if > it’s not to late. > For the last several months she has been finding comfort and enjoyment > in chat rooms with other people. She dose not work outside the house, > and she has made some good friends there. This is where the problem > comes in. The other day I tried to make a long distance phone call but > the phone Co. said my long distance service has been cut off until a > $400+ bill is taken care of. We don’t make a lot long distance calls > so I knew it had to be a mistake. Come to find out it was almost 2000 > min. of calls made to the same # in Cal. (we are in Tx.) all between > 1:30 am and 4:30 am. This is the time when I am either asleep or at > work. ( I work a 12 hour rotating shift ) And the time when she is > usually in a chat room. > I confronted her about this and she told me it had to be a mistake. > After telling her I had the times of the calls she admitted that that > she did make the calls to a girl friend in Cal. that was having > problems with her marriage. I then asked her what would happen If I > searched the # in a reverse search, That was when she admitted she had > been corresponding with a married man via chat, e-mail and phone, going > through similar problems for the last month and a half. The 2000 min. > of calls are only the ones she made, She admitted he has made several > calls to her, not to mention the constant e-mails and chat time they > have had together. she assures me that they have never met, and it was > nothing more than friendly conversation and she would stop all contact > with him. That was a couple of > days ago, and I don’t think I have slept one hour since. I am really > having a hard time with this. I don’t want a divorce over something that > could be as innocent as she claims. (she dose admit that it was very > wrong ) On the other hand, I feel the trust is not there anymore. I > don’t know how much further it would have gone if I had not caught it > when I did. My imagination runs wild every time I think about it. My > heart starts racing and I want to pick up the phone and call both him > and his wife, just to put him in the same hurt I’m in, although, > probably the only people that would get hurt is his wife and children. I > know if they want to continue their relationship they can, and I would > probably never know. There are a lot of ways they could do it that > would be undetectable. this really scares me. I have always trusted her > in the past and never had any reason not to. Now things are different, > and I don’t know what to do. > I’m sorry this is so long, but I just don’t know how to handle this. > Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening to me > babble. > Confused in Tx.
Response:
Hello!!! Comments throughout. Trey <Fish4ever…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:23539-382167F9-3@storefull-232.iap.bryant.webtv.net… > Hi Everyone, > I just found this group tonite, looks like there are some good people > here with good advice. I could sure use some. > I’m 39, male, married for 18 yrs. to a wonderful women that I love very > much, we have two beautiful girls together. For the first 10 years, our > marriage was great, the last eight has been a little rocky. This has > been more my fault than hers. Something change in me, for whatever > reason , I not sure why, but I quit giving her the attention that I once > did. I take full responsibility for that and I want to change it, if > it’s not to late.
What do you think changed? What’s happend in the last 8 years that makes you feel differently towards her? > For the last several months she has been finding comfort and enjoyment > in chat rooms with other people. She dose not work outside the house, > and she has made some good friends there. This is where the problem > comes in. The other day I tried to make a long distance phone call but > the phone Co. said my long distance service has been cut off until a > $400+ bill is taken care of.
Wow! That’s alot!!! We don’t make a lot long distance calls – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> so I knew it had to be a mistake. Come to find out it was almost 2000 > min. of calls made to the same # in Cal. (we are in Tx.) all between > 1:30 am and 4:30 am. This is the time when I am either asleep or at > work. ( I work a 12 hour rotating shift ) And the time when she is > usually in a chat room. > I confronted her about this and she told me it had to be a mistake. > After telling her I had the times of the calls she admitted that that > she did make the calls to a girl friend in Cal. that was having > problems with her marriage. I then asked her what would happen If I > searched the # in a reverse search, That was when she admitted she had > been corresponding with a married man via chat, e-mail and phone, going > through similar problems for the last month and a half. The 2000 min. > of calls are only the ones she made, She admitted he has made several > calls to her, not to mention the constant e-mails and chat time they > have had together. she assures me that they have never met, and it was > nothing more than friendly conversation and she would stop all contact > with him.
Have the two of you tried talking to each other about this? What did she tell him that she feels she cannot tell you? That was a couple of > days ago, and I don’t think I have slept one hour since. I am really > having a hard time with this. I don’t want a divorce over something that > could be as innocent as she claims.
If it’s only a conversation, I don’t think it warrants divorce. However if it is taking place in adult chat rooms that’s another story. (she dose admit that it was very > wrong )
What was wrong? The email? The chat? The phone calls? Would her posting in a ng like this one be wrong? If not maybe she could post to a ng for advice and suggestions instead of chat rooms. Better yet, maybe both of you could talk to each other instead. If that doesn’t work, try a counselor. On the other hand, I feel the trust is not there anymore. I > don’t know how much further it would have gone if I had not caught it > when I did.
What undermined the trust? email? chat? phone calls? How far do you think, realistically, it could have gone with her in TX and him in CA? My imagination runs wild every time I think about it. My > heart starts racing and I want to pick up the phone and call both him > and his wife, just to put him in the same hurt I’m in, although, > probably the only people that would get hurt is his wife and children. I > know if they want to continue their relationship they can, and I would > probably never know. There are a lot of ways they could do it that > would be undetectable. this really scares me. I have always trusted her > in the past and never had any reason not to. Now things are different, > and I don’t know what to do. > I’m sorry this is so long, but I just don’t know how to handle this. > Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening to me > babble.
I can understand your concern. If I found out that dh was calling other women, email and chatting, I would have some of the same concerns you are expressing. However, one could argue that posting here is chatting (it is IMO) although it’s not a chat room. I really think that you both need to talk about what has changed in the last 8 years. Let her know that you still love her and that you want to keep open lines of communication. Ask her how she feels about the marriage? But don’t let your imagination turn this into something it’s not. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Confused in Tx.
Response:
Hi Confused, I found out three and a half weeks ago that my sweet wife had an affair, so I know about the feelings of mistrust and betrayal. Yesterday, when she was on her way home from work, I caught myself watching the clock, expecting her to be late, and have some excuse. When it hit me that I was doing that, I was torn up all over again. A husband isn’t supposed to feel that way, you know what I mean?? I felt ashamed that I didn’t trust her, and I felt ashamed that I couldn’t trust the woman I love so very much. It is part of getting past this sort of problem in a marriage. I don’t know what advice to give, other than to attempt to re-establish a close relationship with your wife, and she with you. One in which you each strive to fulfill the needs of your partner. It ain’t easy to jump a hurtle involving diminished trust, but it IS possible. Good luck. So Lost (Him) Trey <Fish4ever…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:23539-382167F9-3@storefull-232.iap.bryant.webtv.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi Everyone, > I just found this group tonite, looks like there are some good people > here with good advice. I could sure use some. > I’m 39, male, married for 18 yrs. to a wonderful women that I love very > much, we have two beautiful girls together. For the first 10 years, our > marriage was great, the last eight has been a little rocky. This has > been more my fault than hers. Something change in me, for whatever > reason , I not sure why, but I quit giving her the attention that I once > did. I take full responsibility for that and I want to change it, if > it’s not to late. > For the last several months she has been finding comfort and enjoyment > in chat rooms with other people. She dose not work outside the house, > and she has made some good friends there. This is where the problem > comes in. The other day I tried to make a long distance phone call but > the phone Co. said my long distance service has been cut off until a > $400+ bill is taken care of. We don’t make a lot long distance calls > so I knew it had to be a mistake. Come to find out it was almost 2000 > min. of calls made to the same # in Cal. (we are in Tx.) all between > 1:30 am and 4:30 am. This is the time when I am either asleep or at > work. ( I work a 12 hour rotating shift ) And the time when she is > usually in a chat room. > I confronted her about this and she told me it had to be a mistake. > After telling her I had the times of the calls she admitted that that > she did make the calls to a girl friend in Cal. that was having > problems with her marriage. I then asked her what would happen If I > searched the # in a reverse search, That was when she admitted she had > been corresponding with a married man via chat, e-mail and phone, going > through similar problems for the last month and a half. The 2000 min. > of calls are only the ones she made, She admitted he has made several > calls to her, not to mention the constant e-mails and chat time they > have had together. she assures me that they have never met, and it was > nothing more than friendly conversation and she would stop all contact > with him. That was a couple of > days ago, and I don’t think I have slept one hour since. I am really > having a hard time with this. I don’t want a divorce over something that > could be as innocent as she claims. (she dose admit that it was very > wrong ) On the other hand, I feel the trust is not there anymore. I > don’t know how much further it would have gone if I had not caught it > when I did. My imagination runs wild every time I think about it. My > heart starts racing and I want to pick up the phone and call both him > and his wife, just to put him in the same hurt I’m in, although, > probably the only people that would get hurt is his wife and children. I > know if they want to continue their relationship they can, and I would > probably never know. There are a lot of ways they could do it that > would be undetectable. this really scares me. I have always trusted her > in the past and never had any reason not to. Now things are different, > and I don’t know what to do. > I’m sorry this is so long, but I just don’t know how to handle this. > Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening to me > babble. > Confused in Tx.
Response:
Hi Everyone, I just found this group tonite, looks like there are some good people here with good advice. I could sure use some. I’m 39, male, married for 18 yrs. to a wonderful women that I love very much, we have two beautiful girls together. For the first 10 years, our marriage was great, the last eight has been a little rocky. This has been more my fault than hers. Something change in me, for whatever reason , I not sure why, but I quit giving her the attention that I once did. I take full responsibility for that and I want to change it, if it’s not to late. For the last several months she has been finding comfort and enjoyment in chat rooms with other people. She dose not work outside the house, and she has made some good friends there. This is where the problem comes in. The other day I tried to make a long distance phone call but the phone Co. said my long distance service has been cut off until a $400+ bill is taken care of. We don’t make a lot long distance calls so I knew it had to be a mistake. Come to find out it was almost 2000 min. of calls made to the same # in Cal. (we are in Tx.) all between 1:30 am and 4:30 am. This is the time when I am either asleep or at work. ( I work a 12 hour rotating shift ) And the time when she is usually in a chat room. I confronted her about this and she told me it had to be a mistake. After telling her I had the times of the calls she admitted that that she did make the calls to a girl friend in Cal. that was having problems with her marriage. I then asked her what would happen If I searched the # in a reverse search, That was when she admitted she had been corresponding with a married man via chat, e-mail and phone, going through similar problems for the last month and a half. The 2000 min. of calls are only the ones she made, She admitted he has made several calls to her, not to mention the constant e-mails and chat time they have had together. she assures me that they have never met, and it was nothing more than friendly conversation and she would stop all contact with him. That was a couple of days ago, and I don’t think I have slept one hour since. I am really having a hard time with this. I don’t want a divorce over something that could be as innocent as she claims. (she dose admit that it was very wrong ) On the other hand, I feel the trust is not there anymore. I don’t know how much further it would have gone if I had not caught it when I did. My imagination runs wild every time I think about it. My heart starts racing and I want to pick up the phone and call both him and his wife, just to put him in the same hurt I’m in, although, probably the only people that would get hurt is his wife and children. I know if they want to continue their relationship they can, and I would probably never know. There are a lot of ways they could do it that would be undetectable. this really scares me. I have always trusted her in the past and never had any reason not to. Now things are different, and I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry this is so long, but I just don’t know how to handle this. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening to me babble. Confused in Tx.
Response:
Filed under: Loneliness
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