Advice wanted from solitary persons
Question:
She’s not open to the idea of living apart but remaining married (for which I really can’t blame her) I know all of this may sound borderline nuts to a more-socially oriented person – but this is how I am and I know what makes me happy. I like who I am. I know that leaving would be painful for all – and that life wouldn’t instantly become a bed of roses for me – but I still want to leave. Are there married solitary folks out there who’ve solved this dilemma? Or am I just a person who really shouldn’t be married in the first place?
Sounds like you need a room of your own, not a house of your own. Much cheaper, and much less disruptive, but allows you to get the privacy you need. Sally
Response:
Hi Robert, Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except for a couple of major differences: there is no child to complicate my situation, and I was quite happy with my wife–happier, in fact, than I probably should have been, and happier than she was with me, to be sure. I think I could have your attitude if I hadn’t believed for most of my life that I *needed* a partner. The way my s2bx and I got along sounds a lot like you and your wife. We just didn’t think the same way. I thought was always managed to reach a happy medium, but it appears I was mistaken in that belief. There may be something in what Lee said about you "convincing" yourself that you aren’t happy. I was happy in spite of everything, because I "believed" I was happy. I may have been living a fantasy, but it was a good fantasy, and I miss it. If you’re in therapy, I’d say stick with it for a while. Give it a chance. If it continues not to work, you can always separate later, but save that as an absolute last resort. You don’t say how often you are together. Maybe it’s too often. That helped to do in my marriage. Maybe you need a little more space, but not complete separation. You could make it a point of having separate hobbies or find other ways to spend some time apart. I don’t know. But I don’t feel like you should throw it away just yet (speaking from the position of someone on the other side of that "throwing away"). I wish you luck, and hope you manage to find you happiness. Curtiss – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – (delurk) My wife and I have been married a year and a half and we have a 2 year old daughter. I’ve been having second thoughts from probably the third month up to the present. We’ve had what I would assume to be a normal amount of personality clash, but for the most part our marriage is pleasant and stable. We’ve been seeing a therapist (separately) for 2 months and this has definitely helped get at the roots of some of our relationship-damaging patterns. Basically things are ok and steadily improving. As far as our daughter is concerned, we split childcare equally (we both work at home, but she works outside about 20 hours/week) and our daughter is generally happy and developing well. So what’s wrong with this picture? I am solitary person. Though childhood experiences have probably strengthened that trait, I’ve been this way since I was an infant. Conversely, I’m not anti-social. I’m not a person with a large social circle, but I’ve always had a couple very close friends. I enjoy the company of others, but spending large amounts of time with other people is draining. My wife is very understanding in this regard and allows me plenty of time to myself. But as much as I like her, I have the recurring thought that I’d really prefer to live by myself. When I’m alone (or with my daughter), I feel like the rhythm of any particular day is right. My wife dances to a different drummer. I feel like I regain my equilibrium when she’s away – I imagine life as being easier without her, even though I know it wouldn’t be from a practical standpoint. I began therapy because I was afraid that I would be making a serious mistake by leaving; I don’t want to hurt my wife and child because I might have simply gotten too deeply into my head! She began therapy to learn how to cope with her anxiety (she worries about everything and anything 24-7 and feels that she is sabotaging her own happiness) But now that things are improving between us, I still have the same feelings. Her mere presence is stressful to me, regardless of how she’s feeling or how we’re getting along. (This is not to say that I do not enjoy her company or that we don’t have time together that’s emotionally rewarding – I’m describing a cumulative effect) I don’t feel this way about our daughter, however. She’s my own flesh and blood and I understand her intuitively. I understand my wife intellectually, but cannot really relate to her in a fundamental way. Our reactions to most situations are usually opposite of one another. Of course many of these differences are what attracted me to her in the first place… The reason I’m posting this is that I would like to hear from others who may have been in a similar situation. Am I not seeing something here? I feel like I can only ask so much of my wife (and she’s given plenty already). She’s not open to the idea of living apart but remaining married (for which I really can’t blame her) I know all of this may sound borderline nuts to a more-socially oriented person – but this is how I am and I know what makes me happy. I like who I am. I know that leaving would be painful for all – and that life wouldn’t instantly become a bed of roses for me – but I still want to leave. Are there married solitary folks out there who’ve solved this dilemma? Or am I just a person who really shouldn’t be married in the first place? Any comments appreciated. Robert
Curtiss R. Hammock II Atlanta, GA, USA MacBeth Design http://www.macbeth.com The Cavedogs http://www.macbeth.com/cavedogs/ Funk Pop A Roll http://www.macbeth.com/funkpoparoll/
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My wife and I have been married a year and a half and we have a 2 year old daughter. I’ve been having second thoughts from probably the third month up to the present. d I know what makes me happy. I like who I am. I know that leaving would be painful for all – and that life wouldn’t instantly become a bed of roses – but I still want to leave. Are there married solitary folks out there who’ve solved this dilemma? Or am I just a person who really shouldn’t be married in the first place? It’s kind of late to answer that question now. You’re focusing all of this on you and what you want. You have a wife and daughter. There’s three of you now. You can’t just take your marbles and go home because you you’re bored with the game. Maybe you’re boring and you’re not the answer to your wife’s prayers either. You should be grateful for what you have. A decent, understanding wife and a daughter. Are you so self absorbed that you would be willing to give up what a lot of guys would give anything for? What more do you want? "I do not at all resent criticism, even when, for the sake of emphasis, it for a time parts company with reality"
Stephen Tree (Paul Steven Spence) Go for it, what you will learn if your heart is open will tear the veil between you and I on this planet. You and I Written By Paul Steven Spence For WECM The trauma and loneliness of loosing family and children circumcised his heart and shattered his soul. Feeling the pieces revealed a life of romance in spirit that fullfilled all scripture. Each experience over a three year period revealed more and more of what he had longed to understand his whole life. This is the story of You and I. For there is only you and I and when the veil of this flesh is lifted we are one. In the beginning I was called Adam. I was alone, and like a dream you came to me. In my loneliness, in the wilderness, through this broken heart you came, my love. You said: You thought you were alone when you let your tears fall But you were in my heart The vacuum that draws you to me In my loneliness I found her, I found myself, and it was then that I knew that she had always been with me. She was my heart. Ark of the covenant She came back to me my "Dream Box" And it feels like the first time, like the springtime She is more than woman nor man She’s heart and I can’t help but love her She She is life She is my wife She came out from me in the beginning We were one in the beginning She is dream I am dreamer I have been to heaven and I have seen what it will be It’s us living as one eternally Though now you may not see, through the veil separating "the you" and "the me." You see my love, there is only You and I Even if we speak of us and them And though you call yourself conservative and I am called liberal Or you liberal and I conservative Or I the bridegroom and you the bride When the veil of interpretation is lifted or even torn We will be one What power draws the two back together again. It is the heart which is a rose, and the fragrance draws the love you seek. As the altar of incense that stands before the veil between the two houses. The holy place and holy of holies. The fragrance of the heart joins the two together. I want to be your honeybee, won’t you be my appletree It’s the fragrance of your heart that draws me to you Let the seaswells rise into the air Let the mountains crumble, we don’t care I just want to be your honeybee And you can be my appletree I’ll be your prince, your wizard, your lion of Judah Anything you want, I can bring it to ya!
Response:
My wife and I have been married a year and a half and we have a 2 year old daughter. I’ve been having second thoughts from probably the third month up to the present. d I know what makes me happy. I like who I am. I know that leaving would be painful for all – and that life wouldn’t instantly become a bed of roses – but I still want to leave. Are there married solitary folks out there who’ve solved this dilemma? Or am I just a person who really shouldn’t be married in the first place?
It’s kind of late to answer that question now. You’re focusing all of this on you and what you want. You have a wife and daughter. There’s three of you now. You can’t just take your marbles and go home because you you’re bored with the game. Maybe you’re boring and you’re not the answer to your wife’s prayers either. You should be grateful for what you have. A decent, understanding wife and a daughter. Are you so self absorbed that you would be willing to give up what a lot of guys would give anything for? What more do you want? "I do not at all resent criticism, even when, for the sake of emphasis, it for a time parts company with reality"
Response:
NICELY PUT! My own comment to original poster: GROW UP! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My wife and I have been married a year and a half and we have a 2 year old daughter. I’ve been having second thoughts from probably the third month up to the present. d I know what makes me happy. I like who I am. I know that leaving would be painful for all – and that life wouldn’t instantly become a bed of roses – but I still want to leave. Are there married solitary folks out there who’ve solved this dilemma? Or am I just a person who really shouldn’t be married in the first place? It’s kind of late to answer that question now. You’re focusing all of this on you and what you want. You have a wife and daughter. There’s three of you now. You can’t just take your marbles and go home because you you’re bored with the game. Maybe you’re boring and you’re not the answer to your wife’s prayers either. You should be grateful for what you have. A decent, understanding wife and a daughter. Are you so self absorbed that you would be willing to give up what a lot of guys would give anything for? What more do you want? "I do not at all resent criticism, even when, for the sake of emphasis, it for a time parts company with reality"
– ! He that never changed any of his opinions never corrected any of his ! mistakes; and he who was never wise enough to find out any mistakes in ! himself will not be charitable enough to excuse mistakes in others. ! ! He who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he ! who dares not is a slave. — Sir William Drummond ! ! It markes a big step in a man’s development when he comes to realize ! that other men can be called on to help him do a better job than he ! can do alone. – Andrew Carnagie
Response:
[Married year and a half, w/two-year-old daughter, but he would really prefer to live alone.] I don’t buy your line about "intuitively understanding" your two-year-old daughter. She isn’t in a "mind-meld" with you – she’s a totally separate person. That sounds like an excuse to imagine she will "understand" if you abandon her to pursue your self absorption. You have other excuses, like your wife’s personality. Why did you get her pregnant if she was such an annoyance? I think you need to continue therapy and work on your adverse reaction to having a family. Abandoning them shows a distinct lack of integrity. Karen
Response:
Well, Robert, I can’t actually help you at all. But I can tell you that you’re not alone. My DH and I have been married for a year and a half, as well, and I’ve been completely uncomfortable this whole time. I was fine for about five minutes after we were pronounced man and wife…after that I just felt like someone had handcuffed my hands behing my back. I love my DH dearly and we have a good marriage, but I am also a completely independent, solitairy person. So far I just plug away at it, knowing that this is my problem and I have to work through it. We have our good days and our not so good days and deep down I know that if I were alone again I’d just want him back. So if you finally learn the secret let me know, will you? lil (who’s getting a little concerned, now that she’s thought about the fact that her husband’s name is Robert!!!)
Response:
The reason I’m posting this is that I would like to hear from others who may have been in a similar situation. Am I not seeing something here? I feel like I can only ask so much of my wife (and she’s given plenty already). She’s not open to the idea of living apart but remaining married (for which I really can’t blame her) I know all of this may sound borderline nuts to a more-socially oriented person – but this is how I am and I know what makes me happy. I like who I am.
Mmmm. FWIW I am one of those solitary people you were talking about. There are plenty of times when I’d rather not have someone prodding my elbow reminding me of all the things she wants me to do for her. I like who I am too, but part of that comes from the fact that I intend to stick with my marriage. I don’t expect every little detail to meet my requirements of perfection, and whatever aggravation I face is a trial from which I intend to emerge stronger than I went in. It’s sort of like JFK’s comments on the space program. This is a challenge that is worthwhile precisely because it is difficult. People who don’t challenge themselves rob themselves of the opportunity to grow. I know that leaving would be painful for all – and that life wouldn’t instantly become a bed of roses for me – but I still want to leave.
Mmmm. I have felt that way at times. Yet I stayed. Are there married solitary folks out there who’ve solved this dilemma? Or am I just a person who really shouldn’t be married in the first place?
Hmmm. I find it a little curious that you mentioned how your wife conceded to herself that her 24/7 worrying was harming her happiness, but yet you don’t seem to have noticed that what you’re doing to yourself is the exact same thing. You tell yourself incessantly that you’re such-and-such, and thus you can’t possibly be happy with so-and-so, and in the final analysis you’re the one peeing on your own parade. — Nathan Engle Shop Steward Electron Juggler’s Guild, Local #1 "Some Assembly Required"
Response:
(delurk) My wife and I have been married a year and a half and we have a 2 year old daughter. I’ve been having second thoughts from probably the third month up to the present. We’ve had what I would assume to be a normal amount of personality clash, but for the most part our marriage is pleasant and stable. We’ve been seeing a therapist (separately) for 2 months and this has definitely helped get at the roots of some of our relationship-damaging patterns. Basically things are ok and steadily improving. As far as our daughter is concerned, we split childcare equally (we both work at home, but she works outside about 20 hours/week) and our daughter is generally happy and developing well. So what’s wrong with this picture? I am solitary person. Though childhood experiences have probably strengthened that trait, I’ve been this way since I was an infant. Conversely, I’m not anti-social. I’m not a person with a large social circle, but I’ve always had a couple very close friends. I enjoy the company of others, but spending large amounts of time with other people is draining. My wife is very understanding in this regard and allows me plenty of time to myself. But as much as I like her, I have the recurring thought that I’d really prefer to live by myself. When I’m alone (or with my daughter), I feel like the rhythm of any particular day is right. My wife dances to a different drummer. I feel like I regain my equilibrium when she’s away – I imagine life as being easier without her, even though I know it wouldn’t be from a practical standpoint. I began therapy because I was afraid that I would be making a serious mistake by leaving; I don’t want to hurt my wife and child because I might have simply gotten too deeply into my head! She began therapy to learn how to cope with her anxiety (she worries about everything and anything 24-7 and feels that she is sabotaging her own happiness) But now that things are improving between us, I still have the same feelings. Her mere presence is stressful to me, regardless of how she’s feeling or how we’re getting along. (This is not to say that I do not enjoy her company or that we don’t have time together that’s emotionally rewarding – I’m describing a cumulative effect) I don’t feel this way about our daughter, however. She’s my own flesh and blood and I understand her intuitively. I understand my wife intellectually, but cannot really relate to her in a fundamental way. Our reactions to most situations are usually opposite of one another. Of course many of these differences are what attracted me to her in the first place… The reason I’m posting this is that I would like to hear from others who may have been in a similar situation. Am I not seeing something here? I feel like I can only ask so much of my wife (and she’s given plenty already). She’s not open to the idea of living apart but remaining married (for which I really can’t blame her) I know all of this may sound borderline nuts to a more-socially oriented person – but this is how I am and I know what makes me happy. I like who I am. I know that leaving would be painful for all – and that life wouldn’t instantly become a bed of roses for me – but I still want to leave. Are there married solitary folks out there who’ve solved this dilemma? Or am I just a person who really shouldn’t be married in the first place? Any comments appreciated. Robert
Response:
-=(delurk) -= -=My wife and I have been married a year and a half and we have a 2 year old -=daughter. I’ve been having second thoughts from probably the third month up -=to the present. -=We’ve had what I would assume to be a normal amount of -=personality clash, but for the most part our marriage is pleasant and -=stable. We’ve been seeing a therapist (separately) for 2 months and this -=has definitely helped get at the roots of some of our relationship-damaging -=patterns. -=Basically things are ok and steadily improving. As far as our -=daughter is concerned, we split childcare equally (we both work at home, -=but she works outside about 20 hours/week) and our daughter is generally -=happy and developing well. -= -=So what’s wrong with this picture? I am solitary person. Though childhood -=experiences have probably strengthened that trait, I’ve been this way since -=I was an infant. Conversely, I’m not anti-social. I’m not a person with a -=large social circle, but I’ve always had a couple very close friends. I -=enjoy the company of others, but spending large amounts of time with other -=people is draining. My wife is very understanding in this regard and allows -=me plenty of time to myself. But as much as I like her, I have the -=recurring thought that I’d really prefer to live by myself. When I’m alone -=(or with my daughter), I feel like the rhythm of any particular day is -=right. My wife dances to a different drummer. I feel like I regain my -=equilibrium when she’s away – I imagine life as being easier without her, -=even though I know it wouldn’t be from a practical standpoint. -= -=I began therapy because I was afraid that I would be making a serious -=mistake by leaving; I don’t want to hurt my wife and child because I might -=have simply gotten too deeply into my head! -=She began therapy to learn how -=to cope with her anxiety (she worries about everything and anything 24-7 -=and feels that she is sabotaging her own happiness) But now that things are -=improving between us, I still have the same feelings. Her mere presence is -=stressful to me, regardless of how she’s feeling or how we’re getting -=along. (This is not to say that I do not enjoy her company or that we don’t -=have time together that’s emotionally rewarding – I’m describing a -=cumulative effect) I don’t feel this way about our daughter, however. She’s -=my own flesh and blood and I understand her intuitively. I understand my -=wife intellectually, but cannot really relate to her in a fundamental way. -=Our reactions to most situations are usually opposite of one another. Of -=course many of these differences are what attracted me to her in the first -=place… -= -=The reason I’m posting this is that I would like to hear from others who -=may have been in a similar situation. Am I not seeing something here? I -=feel like I can only ask so much of my wife (and she’s given plenty -=already). She’s not open to the idea of living apart but remaining married -=(for which I really can’t blame her) I know all of this may sound -=borderline nuts to a more-socially oriented person – but this is how I am -=and I know what makes me happy. I like who I am. -=I know that leaving would -=be painful for all – and that life wouldn’t instantly become a bed of roses -=for me – but I still want to leave. Are there married solitary folks out -=there who’ve solved this dilemma? Or am I just a person who really -=shouldn’t be married in the first place? You’re basically saying that for a year and a half you have been telling yourself how miserable you are. You know that chatter that goes on inside your head? Well, it determines how we feel. Rephrased – WE determine how we feel. If you have spent a year and a half telling yourself that you don’t understand your wife, you believe different things, she’s not in tune with you, you don’t want her in your life, etc. how can you expect to have a happy marriage? Here’s a quick piece on self talk – http://www.healthyhabits.com/selftalk.htm You might try reversing what you are telling yourself over and over and over in your head. You’d be amazed at the difference it can make. Also, if you are having more of an urge to "push" her out of your life since you’ve started therapy you might want to not give into that urge. Sometimes where you are nearing a breakthrough in therapy you want to push everyone away. Just a guess, but I’d be willing to bet that your need for solitude has some pretty serious beginnings and the closer you get to the root of that problem the harder you’ll fight to keep everyone away. Good luck. Victoria "Lee"
Response:
Filed under: Loneliness
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