Lonely Loneliness

All Alone

Question:

hi everyone i am going to spoiler because of s’x”l   ‘b’s’  and other stuff and being all alone , I don’t know what I am going to say, I just feel so desperate lately and i know i haven’t posted or answered a post here since i came here  but i have been so messed up,   i hope you all understand p p p p [ [ p p [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [  i can't stand another memory .   I have had so many of my s'x''l 'b's'  lately that all i want to do is die.  so much happened to me that i think now that i am so damaged that there is no use to going on anymore.    i don't  work or have any friends so i am all alone and have no one to talk to.    why did they hurts me so much over and over again and again and they are dead and they are still hurting me.  i can't just put it behind me like so many want me to like my dr.   i feel like i am on an island and there is no one and nothing there, not even a tree for me to sit under.  you see they took everything from me as a baby  by the time i was ten there was nothing let of me    i was shattered into so many pieces that i was unrecognizable to myself      i still am/    i am on so many drugs i cant see straight ,  I cant sleep or eat  i dont want to get out of bed in the mornigh and i dont.   nothing makes me happy anymore    all i can think about is my sadness and my loneliness and how much i hurt and i get so angry that i have to live     i dont know what to do or where to turn/   my t is being so tuff on me   cus he says i am strong but i am not   i am so weak and i just want to rest forever and forever i am so sorry for dumping this here on any of you but i am all alone and i am trying to stay alive for a while   please dont get upset    i always get through everything but that is the problem. now      i dont want to get through anything anymore the mares

Response:

I know that it is really difficult to go through times like this with no one around.   Please know that you are not alone here.  People here care about you and about what you are going though, and best of all, understand....this is a safe place for you to come and to be heard.  You have nothing to apologize for.  Keep writing. sincerely, dove - Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text - hi everyone i am going to spoiler because of s'x''l 'b's' and other stuff and being all alone , I don't know what I am going to say, I just feel so desperate lately and i know i haven't posted or answered a post here since i came here but i have been so messed up, i hope you all understand p p p p [ [ p p [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ i can't stand another memory . I have had so many of my s'x''l 'b's' lately that all i want to do is die. so much happened to me that i think now that i am so damaged that there is no use to going on anymore. i don't work or have any friends so i am all alone and have no one to talk to. why did they hurts me so much over and over again and again and they are dead and they are still hurting me. i can't just put it behind me like so many want me to like my dr. i feel like i am on an island and there is no one and nothing there, not even a tree for me to sit under. you see they took everything from me as a baby by the time i was ten there was nothing let of me i was shattered into so many pieces that i was unrecognizable to myself i still am/ i am on so many drugs i cant see straight , I cant sleep or eat i dont want to get out of bed in the mornigh and i dont. nothing makes me happy anymore all i can think about is my sadness and my loneliness and how much i hurt and i get so angry that i have to live i dont know what to do or where to turn/ my t is being so tuff on me cus he says i am strong but i am not i am so weak and i just want to rest forever and forever i am so sorry for dumping this here on any of you but i am all alone and i am trying to stay alive for a while please dont get upset i always get through everything but that is the problem. now i dont want to get through anything anymore the mares

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Response:

Hi I have replied below, but wanted to say that we have been where you are, it is not a good place, but you have to try to find at least one good thing every day.  That is what we started with, it could be a beautiful sunrise, or birdsong or leaves falling, or a wonderful smell. It may sound silly but it does help.  ok more below. - Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text - hi everyone i am going to spoiler because of s'x''l   'b's'  and other stuff and being all alone , I don't know what I am going to say, I just feel so desperate lately and i know i haven't posted or answered a post here since i came here  but i have been so messed up,   i hope you all understand p p p p [ [ p p [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [  i can't stand another memory .   I have had so many of my s'x''l 'b's'  lately that all i want to do is die.  so much happened to me that i think now that i am so damaged that there is no use to going on anymore.

One of the hardest things is accepting what happened, we still have not completely done that, they are held inside Madelaine within us.  It helps to write out a lot of your feelings about it, if you can touch type close your eyes and let it pour out. i don't  work or have any friends so i am all alone and have no one to talk to.  

a good place to start is here online, it is a good place, you will find people who care, and most of us have been in similar situations to yourself. why did they hurts me so much over and over again and again and they are dead and they are still hurting me.  i can't just put it behind me like so many want me to like my dr.

Oh how that irritates me, when dr's or therapists or friends or do-gooders tell you to put it behind you.  The adult we are now was formed from the child we were, if that child was ab*s*d then the adult has problems, a truck load of problems. i feel like i am on an island and there is no one and nothing there, not even a tree for me to sit under.  you see they took everything from me as a baby  by the time i was ten there was nothing let of me    i was shattered into so many pieces that i was unrecognizable to myself      i still am/    i am on so many drugs i cant see straight ,  I cant sleep or eat  i dont want to get out of bed in the mornigh and i dont.   nothing makes me happy anymore    all i can think about is my sadness and my loneliness and how much i hurt and i get so angry that i have to live     i dont know what to do or where to turn/   my t is being so tuff on me   cus he says i am strong but i am not   i am so weak and i just want to rest forever and forever

You are not weak you feel that way, but it is tough dealing with what you are dealing with, do you find it easy to talk about this intense lonliness with your therapist?  and is he heling you when he says you are strong.  I think sometimes they try and prop you up, when what you reall need is to discuss how you are feeling now, not how he feels you should feel after therapy. i am so sorry for dumping this here on any of you but i am all alone and i am trying to stay alive for a while   please dont get upset    i always get through everything but that is the problem. now      i dont want to get through anything anymore the mares

You are doing a good job under the circumstances, take little steps, very small steps. Deia sera et al -- For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

Response:

Just wanted to say that you're not all alone.. you have a whole world of people here for you.. *sending comfort and rainbows to bridge the darkness* Rainstar - Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text - hi everyone i am going to spoiler because of s'x''l   'b's'  and other stuff and being all alone , I don't know what I am going to say, I just feel so desperate lately and i know i haven't posted or answered a post here since i came here  but i have been so messed up,   i hope you all understand p p p p [ [ p p [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [  i can't stand another memory .   I have had so many of my s'x''l 'b's'  lately that all i want to do is die.  so much happened to me that i think now that i am so damaged that there is no use to going on anymore.    i don't  work or have any friends so i am all alone and have no one to talk to.    why did they hurts me so much over and over again and again and they are dead and they are still hurting me.  i can't just put it behind me like so many want me to like my dr.   i feel like i am on an island and there is no one and nothing there, not even a tree for me to sit under.  you see they took everything from me as a baby  by the time i was ten there was nothing let of me    i was shattered into so many pieces that i was unrecognizable to myself      i still am/    i am on so many drugs i cant see straight ,  I cant sleep or eat  i dont want to get out of bed in the mornigh and i dont.   nothing makes me happy anymore    all i can think about is my sadness and my loneliness and how much i hurt and i get so angry that i have to live     i dont know what to do or where to turn/   my t is being so tuff on me   cus he says i am strong but i am not   i am so weak and i just want to rest forever and forever i am so sorry for dumping this here on any of you but i am all alone and i am trying to stay alive for a while   please dont get upset    i always get through everything but that is the problem. now      i dont want to get through anything anymore the mares

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Response:

Dear Marrie and the mares, You are not alone.  Amazingly, you have sources of empathy and caring here... A recurrent theme in lifting out of darkness for me has been sound, smell, temperature, and simple visuals... I still find myself in darkness at times but have been helped by gentleness in nature to the extent that I am always close to hope... I pray that for you -- gentle beauty... And I send you soft whisperings of apricot, lavender and pale gray skies from the peaceful prairie where I live...   I used to live near the ocean, where I could always found poetry and comfort.  Now I find the poetry and safety I need in prairie skies... I wish for you peaceful dreams... You are not alone. Gentle, teeny, tiny steps...when you are ready... I understand how frustrating it can be to hear "get over it"..."put it behind you"... There is a time and a season for everything under the sun... Gentle and loving greetings from one of many who care, Anne - Hide quoted text -- Show quoted text - hi everyone i am going to spoiler because of s'x''l   'b's'  and other stuff and being all alone , I don't know what I am going to say, I just feel so desperate lately and i know i haven't posted or answered a post here since i came here  but i have been so messed up,   i hope you all understand p p p p [ [ p p [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [  i can't stand another memory .   I have had so many of my s'x''l 'b's'  lately that all i want to do is die.  so much happened to me that i think now that i am so damaged that there is no use to going on anymore.    i don't  work or have any friends so i am all alone and have no one to talk to.    why did they hurts me so much over and over again and again and they are dead and they are still hurting me.  i can't just put it behind me like so many want me to like my dr.   i feel like i am on an island and there is no one and nothing there, not even a tree for me to sit under.  you see they took everything from me as a baby  by the time i was ten there was nothing let of me    i was shattered into so many pieces that i was unrecognizable to myself      i still am/    i am on so many drugs i cant see straight ,  I cant sleep or eat  i dont want to get out of bed in the mornigh and i dont.   nothing makes me happy anymore    all i can think about is my sadness and my loneliness and how much i hurt and i get so angry that i have to live     i dont know what to do or where to turn/   my t is being so tuff on me   cus he says i am strong but i am not   i am so weak and i just want to rest forever and forever i am so sorry for dumping this here on any of you but i am all alone and i am trying to stay alive for a while   please dont get upset    i always get through everything but that is the problem. now      i dont want to get through anything anymore the mares

Response:

you have friends now.  that's what we are, here on this newsgroup. responses throughout...

et... hi everyone i am going to spoiler because of s'x''l   'b's'  and other

stuff and thanks for letting us know.  :)  imho - and others here may feel differently - what you wrote below did require splatting (which you did quite well), but probably not spoilering.  but we all appreciate your consideration.  you did a good job.  :) being all alone , I don't know what I am going to say, I just feel so desperate lately and i know i haven't posted or answered a post here since i came here

i can hear the guilt oozing out of your words.  in abt 7 seconds, a little voice inside your head (maybe a big voice) is gonna say "yeah, but...".  listen for it please.  ready? you have nothing to feel guilty for.  you did nothing wrong. you are ok.  we accept you here exactly as you are.  you do not need to post regularly.  you do not need to respond to others' posts.  you don't have to respond to every response someone sends to you.  you are ok.  we accept you.  it's ok, honey...shhhhh....it's ok, dear.  shhhh....just rest a moment, ok?  you've been trying soooo hard for so long...and you've been doing a very good job, dear...it's good enough. you can rest a moment.  you're safe now.  it's ok, dear. <flying on instinct here, but when doesn't Mary fly on instinct? Mary sits in a room with a fireplace, in my inside world, rocking comfortably in a big wooden rocking chair.  If you'd like, she'll hold you on her lap and rock gently with you, cradling you close to her and guiding your head to her shoulder.  Normally she likes to situate people so that they can watch the fire with her, but you seem to need to keep an eye on the door.  That's perfectly ok. Let me just pull this old afghan up around your shoulders and tuck it in so you won't feel a draft...  There, is that better?  You're safe here.  We'll just sit here and rock a bit, shall we?  There...that's a good girl.  It's ok, darling.  It's ok, dearest....shhhhh.....Yes, dear, there there.....you're safe now.  No one will harm you here.  It's safe here.  One of my boys keeps watch in the outer room. No one can enter this room without his say-so.  And I would do anything I could to take away some of the pain and panicky fear in your heart, sweetheart.  I would never want to hurt you.  'Twould hurt me a thousand times more. Shall I tell you a story?  We have time.  It's ok.  You're safe here.  No one will come looking for you to yell at you; to tell you you should be doing something else.  No one will tell you you should be doing *something*.  You are *safe* here. <spoilered for mention of phys abs and emotl abs. well-splatted . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . This is a story about a little girl named Jen.  Jen was a good girl, very much like you, darling...She had big dark eyes, and brown hair that shone with lovely highlights in the sun.  She had the cutest little button nose, and pudgy little hands and arms. She came out of a world of bottles and diapers to a world of sippy cups and big awkward forks, and sitting in a regular chair to eat dinner.  A lot of things were expected of her: that she not spill her milk; that she not say the food tasted yukky; that she try at least one bite of everything. One time she tried a bite of something, but her tummy didn't like it at *all*, and she dashed up to the bathroom to be sick. She got yelled at for doing that. She got yelled at for a lot of things that didn't seem to make sense.  But she was a good girl, and the m*mmy was nice when she was smiling and happy, and gave her ice cream in a bowl when she'd had a nightmare.  And the d*ddy loved to smile and play with both of his little girls when he wasn't angry:  he'd tell them stories, and sit on the floor with a daughter on each knee, and sing a silly little song while shifting his knees up and down so his girls would laugh and giggle and beg for him to do it again. He'd talk into their play phone..."Hello, Joe!  Whaddaya know?  How are things in Kokomo?"  He was a wonderful d*ddy. Except when he got angry.  When he got angry, Jen's world got very scary, very uncertain, very dangerous to Jen.  She remembers lots of shouting, and sounds that little girls shouldn't have to hear: sounds of flesh h*tting flesh in anger; sounds of the floor thumping as her little body hit it.  She remembers other things, as well, but we needn't write of them here. She remembers paying very close attention to what the "rules" were, so that she could keep her m*mmy smiling and happy; and keep her d*ddy being the best d*ddy in the world. There were a lot of "rules".  Like so many things to a girl so young, most of the rules didn't make sense, and some of them contradicted each other.  How could she hurry down the stairs to keep from being yelled at for taking too long; and yet not be running down the stairs, which she also got yelled at for?  And how could she hurry-not-run without "making too much noise"? But she did the best she could to learn all the rules so that they wouldn't have to yell at her.  She learned that some of the rules applied sometimes, but not others.  So then she needed to learn how to figure out which *set* of rules she needed when. ...a moment, liebschen, there's another little girl who needs to share my lap with you...Let me murmur to her a moment...shhh....it's ok, my sweet.  it's ok now.  you're not there anymore, and the good part of the story's yet to come.  Sit here with me, sweetheart i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i coulnd't be good enough i couldn't keep them from getting angry i tried to be good but i don't expect anyone to believe me cuz i *wasn't* good, so i didn't try.  i didn't try hard enough.  i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.... It's ok, sweetling.  It's ok.  Now, where was I?  Oh!  My goodness!  Look at these two beautiful little girls I have sitting on my lap!  Why, you two look like you could be sisters, almost.  Ahh...how happy I am with such good little girls to keep me company in my old age... That little girl, in my story, Jen?  She grew up in that scary world, where no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't be good enough to keep them from getting angry. She grew to be a young lady who continued to learn the patterns and rules and sets of rules about everything in life, so that she wouldn't get yelled at. And one day, while she was trying her hardest to be good, she managed to fix enough inside of herself to discover that there were other little girls inside.  She went on to find that there were boys, too, and that all of these people shared the same body as her, the same name, the same life. These other people started learning about themselves, and what they meant to each other and did for each other.  They learned that each of them had jobs to do for the whole person that they were all a part of.  They learned how very tired Jen was, and learned that she needed help.  <i tried!! {I know you did, dear.  It's ok.  You did fine. It's good enough.} They learned something else, too: that even though "the rules" said that Jen wasn't at fault (for Jen had started reading self-help books early-on to try to fix whatever was wrong with her), that Jen was unable to comprehend the fact that it wasn't her fault. Jen, of course, couldn't imagine ordering herself to believe something and not being able to believe it:  after all, that was her primary talent, because lying is bad.  Where she couldn't tell the truth because the truth would get her in trouble, she'd learned how to believe whatever she needed to believe to keep herself safe.  It was quite an extraordinary talent, but she hated even that, because it would still get her into trouble. But it was better to be a liar than to be seen as incompetent, unworthy, bad, or wrong. Eventually, one of the other people who shared the body with Jen healed enough of his own hurts that he could start helping some of the others with theirs.  One day, he saw that Jen was stuck in a very bad memory of something that happened long, long ago.  Jen was screaming for help, yet knowing that no one could save her, because no one had. This boy realized that he *could* save her.  He stormed into the memory in his mind, grabbed the little girl away from her p*rents, and yelled at *them* for hurting her.  He told *them* that *they* were bad; that *they* were incompetent, and that they were unworthy of being her p*rents.  He said that he was going to be her f*ther now; that they had lost the right to be, because they were bad, and they were wrong, and they had hurt the little girl, and it wasn't fair and she didn't deserve it.  [ed. note:  Jen switched in early in that last sentence, though she's been influencing Mary's words for awhile now.] And Ethan took me upstairs to a m*gic mirror that you could step through, and he stepped through it, and we were in the inside world, where Mary’s room is.  And he took me to Jenny, she’s another little girl here, though she’s bigger than me.  Jenny can watch the world through that mirror, and so she and I snuggled together like spoons and she put her arm around me so i’d know i was safe, and we watched what Ethan did. He went back down the stairs, and he yelled at them, at the m*mmy and the d*ddy.  He told them that they were wrong, and mean, and bad p*rents, and that it wasn’t fair, how they had treated me.  He said it wasn’t my fault. The d*ddy started to get angry with Ethan, and started to um, get up, and Ethan …(Ethan took great satisfaction in wiping the floor with the rotting bastid.  How *dare* he hurt her like that!  He ain’t hurtin her no more.  Not on my watch, d*mmit.  She’s *mine* now.  I ain’t lettin nobody hurt her no more.) Ethan told me that I get to live in the inside world … read more »

Response:

See ya below

  you have friends now.  that’s what we are, here on this newsgroup.     responses throughout…       et…     hi everyone i am going to spoiler because of s’x”l   ‘b’s’  and   other     stuff and     thanks for letting us know.  :)  imho – and others here may feel   differently – what you wrote below did require splatting (which you    did quite well), but probably not spoilering.  but we all   appreciate your consideration.  you did a good job.  :)       being all alone , I don’t know what I am going to say, I     just feel so     desperate lately and i know i haven’t posted or answered a     post here     since i came here That’s okay.. sometimes we don’t feel able to post much either but they’re all still there when I need them.  It’s nice to have a place where you can truly be you and reply when it’s safe and not reply when it’s not and still receive support when you need it, isn’t it?  Don’t know what we would’ve done in the last 8 years without this ng (wow.. 8 years already.. doesn’t seem that long).     i can hear the guilt oozing out of your words.  in abt 7 seconds, a   little voice inside your head (maybe a big voice) is gonna say   "yeah, but…".  listen for it please.  ready? you have nothing to   feel guilty for.  you did nothing wrong. you are ok.  we accept you    here exactly as you are.  you do not need to post regularly.  you   do not need to respond to others’ posts.  you don’t have to respond    to every response someone sends to you.  you are ok.  we accept   you.  it’s ok, honey…shhhhh….it’s ok, dear.  shhhh….just rest    a moment, ok?  you’ve been trying soooo hard for so long…and you’ve    been doing a very good job, dear…it’s good enough. you can rest   a moment.  you’re safe now.  it’s ok, dear. you’re     <flying on instinct here, but when doesn’t Mary fly on instinct?     Mary sits in a room with a fireplace, in my inside world, rocking   comfortably in a big wooden rocking chair.  If you’d like, she’ll   hold you on her lap and rock gently with you, cradling you close to    her and guiding your head to her shoulder.  Normally she likes to   situate people so that they can watch the fire with her, but you   seem to need to keep an eye on the door.  That’s perfectly ok. *nod* mary nice.. is good to sit wif mary..   Let me just pull this old afghan up around your shoulders and tuck   it in so you won’t feel a draft…  There, is that better?  You’re   safe here.  We’ll just sit here and rock a bit, shall we?   There…that’s a good girl.  It’s ok, darling.  It’s ok,   dearest….shhhhh…..Yes, dear, there there…..you’re safe now.   No one will harm you here.  It’s safe here.  One of my boys keeps   watch in the outer room. No one can enter this room without his   say-so.  And I would do anything I could to take away some of the   pain and panicky fear in your heart, sweetheart.  I would never want to hurt you.  ’Twould hurt me a thousand times more. *nod* mary good at giving hugs and helping us feel better.. and da guys.. can’t get any better den dem.  dey *so* good at pwotecting when needed and comforting too somtims.   Shall I tell you a story?  We have time.  It’s ok.  You’re   safe here.  No one will come looking for you to yell at you;   to tell you you should be doing something else.  No one will   tell you you should be doing *something*.  You are *safe*   here. ooo.. liks mary stowies. she gots good, soft voice for stowies.   <spoilered for mention of phys abs and emotl abs.   well-splatted   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .     This is a story about a little girl named Jen.  Jen was a   good girl, very much like you, darling…She had big dark   eyes, and brown hair that shone with lovely highlights in   the sun.  She had the cutest little button nose, and pudgy   little hands and arms.     She came out of a world of bottles and diapers to a world of   sippy cups and big awkward forks, and sitting in a regular   chair to eat dinner.  A lot of things were expected of her:   that she not spill her milk; that she not say the food   tasted yukky; that she try at least one bite of everything.   One time she tried a bite of something, but her tummy didn’t   like it at *all*, and she dashed up to the bathroom to be   sick.     She got yelled at for doing that.   She got yelled at for a lot of things that didn’t seem to   make sense.  But she was a good girl, and the m*mmy was nice   when she was smiling and happy, and gave her ice cream in a   bowl when she’d had a nightmare.  And the d*ddy loved to   smile and play with both of his little girls when he wasn’t   angry:  he’d tell them stories, and sit on the floor with a   daughter on each knee, and sing a silly little song while   shifting his knees up and down so his girls would laugh and   giggle and beg for him to do it again.     He’d talk into their play phone…"Hello, Joe!  Whaddaya   know?  How are things in Kokomo?"  He was a wonderful d*ddy. *giggle* our daddy do dat too.. he fun ta play wif and wrestle wif and haf tickle fights and stuff..   Except when he got angry.  When he got angry, Jen’s world   got very scary, very uncertain, very dangerous to Jen.  She   remembers lots of shouting, and sounds that little girls   shouldn’t have to hear: sounds of flesh h*tting flesh in   anger; sounds of the floor thumping as her little body hit   it.  She remembers other things, as well, but we needn’t   write of them here. <*hug* Jen   She remembers paying very close attention to what the   "rules" were, so that she could keep her m*mmy smiling and   happy; and keep her d*ddy being the best d*ddy in the world. *sigh* yeah.. lotsa rules… it was m*mmy dat we had ta keep happy tho.. so she not yell and throw tings… *sigh*   There were a lot of "rules".  Like so many things to a girl   so young, most of the rules didn’t make sense, and some of   them contradicted each other.  How could she hurry down the   stairs to keep from being yelled at for taking too long; and   yet not be running down the stairs, which she also got   yelled at for?  And how could she hurry-not-run without   "making too much noise"?   But she did the best she could to learn all the rules so   that they wouldn’t have to yell at her.  She learned that   some of the rules applied sometimes, but not others.  So   then she needed to learn how to figure out which *set* of   rules she needed when.     …a moment, liebschen, there’s another little girl who   needs to share my lap with you…Let me murmur to her a   moment…shhh….it’s ok, my sweet.  it’s ok now.  you’re   not there anymore, and the good part of the story’s yet to   come.  Sit here with me, sweetheart     i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i coulnd’t be good   enough i couldn’t keep them from getting angry i tried to be   good but i don’t expect anyone to believe me cuz i *wasn’t*   good, so i didn’t try.  i didn’t try hard enough.  i’m sorry   i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry…. <Jen, you ARE a good girl and you did just fine.. your trying was more than hard enough. *hug* *nods* jen good girl.. jen fwiend.. *nod*   It’s ok, sweetling.  It’s ok.  Now, where was I?  Oh!  My   goodness!  Look at these two beautiful little girls I have   sitting on my lap!  Why, you two look like you could be   sisters, almost.  Ahh…how happy I am with such good little   girls to keep me company in my old age…     That little girl, in my story, Jen?  She grew up in that   scary world, where no matter how hard she tried, she   couldn’t be good enough to keep them from getting angry.   She grew to be a young lady who continued to learn the   patterns and rules and sets of rules about everything in   life, so that she wouldn’t get yelled at.     And one day, while she was trying her hardest to be good,   she managed to fix enough inside of herself to discover that   there were other little girls inside.  She went on to find   that there were boys, too, and that all of these people   shared the same body as her, the same name, the same life.     These other people started learning about themselves, and   what they meant to each other and did for each other.  They   learned that each of them had jobs to do for the whole   person that they were all a part of.  They learned how very   tired Jen was, and learned that she needed help.  <i   tried!! {I know you did, dear.  It’s ok.  You did fine.   It’s good enough.}     They learned something else, too: that even though "the   rules" said that Jen wasn’t at fault (for Jen had started   reading self-help books early-on to try to fix whatever was   wrong with her), that Jen was unable to comprehend the fact   that it wasn’t her fault.     Jen, of course, couldn’t imagine ordering herself to believe   something and not being able to believe it:  after all, that   was her primary talent, because lying is bad.  Where she   couldn’t tell the truth because the truth would get her in   trouble, she’d learned how to believe whatever she needed to   believe to keep herself safe.  It was quite an extraordinary   talent, but she hated even that, because it would still get   her into trouble. is hawd wen not kno wich voice ta listen to..   But it was better to be a liar than to be seen as   incompetent, unworthy, bad, or wrong. *shakes head* jen not bad.. jen good.. jen vewy vewy good.   Eventually, one of the other people who shared the body with   Jen healed enough of his own hurts that he could start   helping some of the others with

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Response:

Hi I have replied below, but wanted to say that we have been where you are, it is not a good place, but you have to try to find at least one good thing every day.  That is what we started with, it could be a beautiful sunrise, or birdsong or leaves falling, or a wonderful smell. It may sound silly but it does help.  ok more below.

  hi everyone   i am going to spoiler because of s’x”l   ‘b’s’  and other stuff and   being all alone , I don’t know what I am going to say, I just feel so   desperate lately and i know i haven’t posted or answered a post here   since i came here  but i have been so messed up,   i hope you all   understand   p   p   p   p   [   [   p   p   [   [   [   [   [   [   [   [   [   [   [   [   [  i can’t stand another memory .   I have had so many of my s’x”l   ‘b’s’  lately that all i want to do is die.  so much happened to me that   i think now that i am so damaged that there is no use to going on   anymore. One of the hardest things is accepting what happened, we still have not completely done that, they are held inside Madelaine within us.  It helps to write out a lot of your feelings about it, if you can touch type close your eyes and let it pour out.   i don’t  work or have any friends so i am all alone and have   no one to talk to. a good place to start is here online, it is a good place, you will find people who care, and most of us have been in similar situations to yourself.   why did they hurts me so much over and over again   and again and they are dead and they are still hurting me.  i can’t just   put it behind me like so many want me to like my dr. Oh how that irritates me, when dr’s or therapists or friends or do-gooders tell you to put it behind you.  The adult we are now was formed from the child we were, if that child was ab*s*d then the adult has problems, a truck load of problems.   i feel like i am on an island and there is no one and nothing there, not even a tree for   me to sit under.  you see they took everything from me as a baby  by the   time i was ten there was nothing let of me    i was shattered into so   many pieces that i was unrecognizable to myself      i still am/    i am   on so many drugs i cant see straight ,  I cant sleep or eat  i dont want   to get out of bed in the mornigh and i dont.   nothing makes me happy   anymore    all i can think about is my sadness and my loneliness and how   much i hurt and i get so angry that i have to live     i dont know what   to do or where to turn/   my t is being so tuff on me   cus he says i am   strong but i am not   i am so weak and i just want to rest forever and   forever You are not weak you feel that way, but it is tough dealing with what you are dealing with, do you find it easy to talk about this intense lonliness with your therapist?  and is he heling you when he says you are strong.  I think sometimes they try and prop you up, when what you reall need is to discuss how you are feeling now, not how he feels you should feel after therapy.   i am so sorry for dumping this here on any of you but i am all alone and   i am trying to stay alive for a while   please dont get upset    i   always get through everything but that is the problem. now      i dont   want to get through anything anymore     the mares   You are doing a good job under the circumstances, take little steps, very small steps. Deia sera et al — For more information about this NNTP posting service, contact: If you want an anonymous account, visit our sign-up page: https://asarian-host.net/cgi-bin/signup.cgi

Response:

thanks.  *Jen looks out from her now-usual place behind the furnace in the basement.  you can see her eyes and the faint oval of her face.  she nods at u and curls up in the sleeping bag again.* jt See ya below   you have friends now.  that’s what we are, here on this newsgroup.   responses throughout…

  et…   hi everyone i am going to spoiler because of s’x”l ‘b’s’  and   other   stuff and   thanks for letting us know.  :)  imho – and others here may feel   differently – what you wrote below did require

splatting (which you – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –    did quite well), but probably not spoilering.  but we all   appreciate your consideration.  you did a good job.  :)   being all alone , I don’t know what I am going to say, I   just feel so   desperate lately and i know i haven’t posted or answered a   post here   since i came here That’s okay.. sometimes we don’t feel able to post much either but they’re all still there when I need them.  It’s nice to have a place where you can truly be you and reply when it’s safe and not reply when it’s not and still receive support when you need it, isn’t it?  Don’t know what we would’ve done in the last 8 years without this ng (wow.. 8 years already.. doesn’t seem that long).   i can hear the guilt oozing out of your words.  in abt 7 seconds, a   little voice inside your head (maybe a big voice) is gonna say   "yeah, but…".  listen for it please.  ready? you have nothing to   feel guilty for.  you did nothing wrong. you are ok. we accept you    here exactly as you are.  you do not need to post regularly.  you   do not need to respond to others’ posts.  you don’t have to respond    to every response someone sends to you.  you are ok. we accept   you.  it’s ok, honey…shhhhh….it’s ok, dear. shhhh….just rest    a moment, ok?  you’ve been trying soooo hard for so long…and you’ve    been doing a very good job, dear…it’s good enough. you can rest   a moment.  you’re safe now.  it’s ok, dear. you’re   <flying on instinct here, but when doesn’t Mary fly on instinct?   Mary sits in a room with a fireplace, in my inside world, rocking   comfortably in a big wooden rocking chair.  If you’d like, she’ll   hold you on her lap and rock gently with you, cradling you close to    her and guiding your head to her shoulder.  Normally she likes to   situate people so that they can watch the fire with her, but you   seem to need to keep an eye on the door.  That’s perfectly ok. *nod* mary nice.. is good to sit wif mary..   Let me just pull this old afghan up around your shoulders and tuck   it in so you won’t feel a draft…  There, is that better?  You’re   safe here.  We’ll just sit here and rock a bit, shall we?   There…that’s a good girl.  It’s ok, darling.  It’s ok,   dearest….shhhhh…..Yes, dear, there there…..you’re safe now.   No one will harm you here.  It’s safe here.  One of my boys keeps   watch in the outer room. No one can enter this room without his   say-so.  And I would do anything I could to take away some of the   pain and panicky fear in your heart, sweetheart.  I would never want to hurt you.  ’Twould hurt me a thousand times more. *nod* mary good at giving hugs and helping us feel better.. and da guys.. can’t get any better den dem.  dey *so* good at pwotecting when needed and comforting too somtims.   Shall I tell you a story?  We have time.  It’s ok. You’re   safe here.  No one will come looking for you to yell at you;   to tell you you should be doing something else.  No one will   tell you you should be doing *something*.  You are *safe*   here. ooo.. liks mary stowies. she gots good, soft voice for stowies.   <spoilered for mention of phys abs and emotl abs.   well-splatted   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   This is a story about a little girl named Jen.  Jen was a   good girl, very much like you, darling…She had big dark   eyes, and brown hair that shone with lovely highlights in   the sun.  She had the cutest little button nose, and pudgy   little hands and arms.   She came out of a world of bottles and diapers to a world of   sippy cups and big awkward forks, and sitting in a regular   chair to eat dinner.  A lot of things were expected of her:   that she not spill her milk; that she not say the food   tasted yukky; that she try at least one bite of everything.   One time she tried a bite of something, but her tummy didn’t   like it at *all*, and she dashed up to the bathroom to be   sick.   She got yelled at for doing that.   She got yelled at for a lot of things that didn’t seem to   make sense.  But she was a good girl, and the m*mmy was nice   when she was smiling and happy, and gave her ice cream in a   bowl when she’d had a nightmare.  And the d*ddy loved to   smile and play with both of his little girls when he wasn’t   angry:  he’d tell them stories, and sit on the floor with a   daughter on each knee, and sing a silly little song while   shifting his knees up and down so his girls would laugh and   giggle and beg for him to do it again.   He’d talk into their play phone…"Hello, Joe! Whaddaya   know?  How are things in Kokomo?"  He was a wonderful d*ddy. *giggle* our daddy do dat too.. he fun ta play wif and wrestle wif and haf tickle fights and stuff..   Except when he got angry.  When he got angry, Jen’s world   got very scary, very uncertain, very dangerous to Jen. She   remembers lots of shouting, and sounds that little girls   shouldn’t have to hear: sounds of flesh h*tting flesh in   anger; sounds of the floor thumping as her little body hit   it.  She remembers other things, as well, but we needn’t   write of them here. <*hug* Jen   She remembers paying very close attention to what the   "rules" were, so that she could keep her m*mmy smiling and   happy; and keep her d*ddy being the best d*ddy in the world. *sigh* yeah.. lotsa rules… it was m*mmy dat we had ta keep happy tho.. so she not yell and throw tings… *sigh*   There were a lot of "rules".  Like so many things to a girl   so young, most of the rules didn’t make sense, and some of   them contradicted each other.  How could she hurry down the   stairs to keep from being yelled at for taking too long; and   yet not be running down the stairs, which she also got   yelled at for?  And how could she hurry-not-run without   "making too much noise"?   But she did the best she could to learn all the rules so   that they wouldn’t have to yell at her.  She learned that   some of the rules applied sometimes, but not others. So   then she needed to learn how to figure out which *set* of   rules she needed when.   …a moment, liebschen, there’s another little girl who   needs to share my lap with you…Let me murmur to her a   moment…shhh….it’s ok, my sweet.  it’s ok now. you’re   not there anymore, and the good part of the story’s yet to   come.  Sit here with me, sweetheart   i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i coulnd’t be good   enough i couldn’t keep them from getting angry i tried to be   good but i don’t expect anyone to believe me cuz i *wasn’t*   good, so i didn’t try.  i didn’t try hard enough.  i’m sorry   i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry…. <Jen, you ARE a good girl and you did just fine.. your trying was more than hard enough. *hug* *nods* jen good girl.. jen fwiend.. *nod*   It’s ok, sweetling.  It’s ok.  Now, where was I?  Oh! My   goodness!  Look at these two beautiful little girls I have   sitting on my lap!  Why, you two look like you could be   sisters, almost.  Ahh…how happy I am with such good little   girls to keep me company in my old age…   That little girl, in my story, Jen?  She grew up in that   scary world, where no matter how hard she tried, she   couldn’t be good enough to keep them from getting angry.   She grew to be a young lady who continued to learn the   patterns and rules and sets of rules about everything in   life, so that she wouldn’t get yelled at.   And one day, while she was trying her hardest to be good,   she managed to fix enough inside of herself to discover that   there were other little girls inside.  She went on to find   that there were boys, too, and that all of these people   shared the same body as her, the same name, the same life.   These other people started learning about themselves, and   what they meant to each other and did for each other. They   learned that each of them had jobs to do for the whole   person that they were all a part of.  They learned how very   tired Jen was, and learned that she needed help.  <i   tried!! {I know you did, dear.  It’s ok.  You did fine.   It’s good enough.}   They learned something else, too: that even though "the   rules" said that Jen wasn’t at fault (for Jen had started   reading self-help books early-on to try to fix whatever was   wrong with her), that Jen was unable to comprehend the fact   that it wasn’t her fault.   Jen, of course, couldn’t imagine ordering herself to believe

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Response:

Your words have such a familiar ring.  I remind myself that deep loneliness has always been a part of the human condition, which those of us who have survived that which we ought not, find to be magnified in our souls.  I memorized these lines from the Ancient Mariner, one of my favorite poems,      Alone, alone, all, all alone      Alone on a wide, wide sea,      And nary a saint took pity on      My soul in agony. That is how I feel much of the time.  I guarantee you are not alone. verna

Response:

 I send you strength and hope your in a tough spot one it sounds like your too familar with I understand the frustration all those that hurt you are no longer around to be made to take the responsibility of their actions you alone are left to struggle. If it is ok consider me giving you a big hug holding you  so you can relax for a few moments safely. I wish I had the perfect answer to solve all our problems and make everything ok but there isn’t such a thing is there? hang in there and be safe you are valued just for being you. Ann  hi everyone – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i am going to spoiler because of s’x”l   ‘b’s’  and other stuff and being all alone , I don’t know what I am going to say, I just feel so desperate lately and i know i haven’t posted or answered a post here since i came here  but i have been so messed up,   i hope you all understand p p p p [ [ p p [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [  i can’t stand another memory .   I have had so many of my s’x”l ‘b’s’  lately that all i want to do is die.  so much happened to me that i think now that i am so damaged that there is no use to going on anymore.    i don’t  work or have any friends so i am all alone and have no one to talk to.    why did they hurts me so much over and over again and again and they are dead and they are still hurting me.  i can’t just put it behind me like so many want me to like my dr.   i feel like i am on an island and there is no one and nothing there, not even a tree for me to sit under.  you see they took everything from me as a baby  by the time i was ten there was nothing let of me    i was shattered into so many pieces that i was unrecognizable to myself      i still am/    i am on so many drugs i cant see straight ,  I cant sleep or eat  i dont want to get out of bed in the mornigh and i dont.   nothing makes me happy anymore    all i can think about is my sadness and my loneliness and how much i hurt and i get so angry that i have to live     i dont know what to do or where to turn/   my t is being so tuff on me   cus he says i am strong but i am not   i am so weak and i just want to rest forever and forever i am so sorry for dumping this here on any of you but i am all alone and i am trying to stay alive for a while   please dont get upset    i always get through everything but that is the problem. now      i dont want to get through anything anymore the mares

Response:

*nod* *offers jen use of pwetty dwagon stuffie dat sparkles or one of da cuddly poohs dat hang out in our bed* cuz you looks liks you need a stuffie… lilrainy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – thanks.  *Jen looks out from her now-usual place behind the furnace in the basement.  you can see her eyes and the faint oval of her face.  she nods at u and curls up in the sleeping bag again.* jt See ya below you have friends now.  that’s what we are, here on this newsgroup. responses throughout… et… hi everyone i am going to spoiler because of s’x”l ‘b’s’  and other stuff and thanks for letting us know.  :)  imho – and others here may feel differently – what you wrote below did require splatting (which you  did quite well), but probably not spoilering.  but we all appreciate your consideration.  you did a good job.  :) being all alone , I don’t know what I am going to say, I just feel so desperate lately and i know i haven’t posted or answered a post here since i came here That’s okay.. sometimes we don’t feel able to post much either but they’re all still there when I need them.  It’s nice to have a place where you can truly be you and reply when it’s safe and not reply when it’s not and still receive support when you need it, isn’t it?  Don’t know what we would’ve done in the last 8 years without this ng (wow.. 8 years already.. doesn’t seem that long). i can hear the guilt oozing out of your words.  in abt 7 seconds, a little voice inside your head (maybe a big voice) is gonna say "yeah, but…".  listen for it please.  ready? you have nothing to feel guilty for.  you did nothing wrong. you are ok. we accept you  here exactly as you are.  you do not need to post regularly.  you do not need to respond to others’ posts.  you don’t have to respond  to every response someone sends to you.  you are ok. we accept you.  it’s ok, honey…shhhhh….it’s ok, dear. shhhh….just rest  a moment, ok?  you’ve been trying soooo hard for so long…and you’ve  been doing a very good job, dear…it’s good enough. you can rest a moment.  you’re safe now.  it’s ok, dear. you’re <flying on instinct here, but when doesn’t Mary fly on instinct? Mary sits in a room with a fireplace, in my inside world, rocking comfortably in a big wooden rocking chair.  If you’d like, she’ll hold you on her lap and rock gently with you, cradling you close to  her and guiding your head to her shoulder.  Normally she likes to situate people so that they can watch the fire with her, but you seem to need to keep an eye on the door.  That’s perfectly ok. *nod* mary nice.. is good to sit wif mary.. Let me just pull this old afghan up around your shoulders and tuck it in so you won’t feel a draft…  There, is that better?  You’re safe here.  We’ll just sit here and rock a bit, shall we? There…that’s a good girl.  It’s ok, darling.  It’s ok, dearest….shhhhh…..Yes, dear, there there…..you’re safe now. No one will harm you here.  It’s safe here.  One of my boys keeps watch in the outer room. No one can enter this room without his say-so.  And I would do anything I could to take away some of the pain and panicky fear in your heart, sweetheart.  I would never want to hurt you.  ’Twould hurt me a thousand times more. *nod* mary good at giving hugs and helping us feel better.. and da guys.. can’t get any better den dem.  dey *so* good at pwotecting when needed and comforting too somtims. Shall I tell you a story?  We have time.  It’s ok. You’re safe here.  No one will come looking for you to yell at you; to tell you you should be doing something else.  No one will tell you you should be doing *something*.  You are *safe* here. ooo.. liks mary stowies. she gots good, soft voice for stowies. <spoilered for mention of phys abs and emotl abs. well-splatted . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . This is a story about a little girl named Jen.  Jen was a good girl, very much like you, darling…She had big dark eyes, and brown hair that shone with lovely highlights in the sun.  She had the cutest little button nose, and pudgy little hands and arms. She came out of a world of bottles and diapers to a world of sippy cups and big awkward forks, and sitting in a regular chair to eat dinner.  A lot of things were expected of her: that she not spill her milk; that she not say the food tasted yukky; that she try at least one bite of everything. One time she tried a bite of something, but her tummy didn’t like it at *all*, and she dashed up to the bathroom to be sick. She got yelled at for doing that. She got yelled at for a lot of things that didn’t seem to make sense.  But she was a good girl, and the m*mmy was nice when she was smiling and happy, and gave her ice cream in a bowl when she’d had a nightmare.  And the d*ddy loved to smile and play with both of his little girls when he wasn’t angry:  he’d tell them stories, and sit on the floor with a daughter on each knee, and sing a silly little song while shifting his knees up and down so his girls would laugh and giggle and beg for him to do it again. He’d talk into their play phone…"Hello, Joe! Whaddaya know?  How are things in Kokomo?"  He was a wonderful d*ddy. *giggle* our daddy do dat too.. he fun ta play wif and wrestle wif and haf tickle fights and stuff.. Except when he got angry.  When he got angry, Jen’s world got very scary, very uncertain, very dangerous to Jen. She remembers lots of shouting, and sounds that little girls shouldn’t have to hear: sounds of flesh h*tting flesh in anger; sounds of the floor thumping as her little body hit it.  She remembers other things, as well, but we needn’t write of them here. <*hug* Jen She remembers paying very close attention to what the "rules" were, so that she could keep her m*mmy smiling and happy; and keep her d*ddy being the best d*ddy in the world. *sigh* yeah.. lotsa rules… it was m*mmy dat we had ta keep happy tho.. so she not yell and throw tings… *sigh* There were a lot of "rules".  Like so many things to a girl so young, most of the rules didn’t make sense, and some of them contradicted each other.  How could she hurry down the stairs to keep from being yelled at for taking too long; and yet not be running down the stairs, which she also got yelled at for?  And how could she hurry-not-run without "making too much noise"? But she did the best she could to learn all the rules so that they wouldn’t have to yell at her.  She learned that some of the rules applied sometimes, but not others. So then she needed to learn how to figure out which *set* of rules she needed when. …a moment, liebschen, there’s another little girl who needs to share my lap with you…Let me murmur to her a moment…shhh….it’s ok, my sweet.  it’s ok now. you’re not there anymore, and the good part of the story’s yet to come.  Sit here with me, sweetheart i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i coulnd’t be good enough i couldn’t keep them from getting angry i tried to be good but i don’t expect anyone to believe me cuz i *wasn’t* good, so i didn’t try.  i didn’t try hard enough.  i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry…. <Jen, you ARE a good girl and you did just fine.. your trying was more than hard enough. *hug* *nods* jen good girl.. jen fwiend.. *nod* It’s ok, sweetling.  It’s ok.  Now, where was I?  Oh! My goodness!  Look at these two beautiful little girls I have sitting on my lap!  Why, you two look like you could be sisters, almost.  Ahh…how happy I am with such good little girls to keep me company in my old age… That little girl, in my story, Jen?  She grew up in that scary world, where no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t be good enough to keep them from getting angry. She grew to be a young lady who continued to learn the patterns and rules and sets of rules about everything in life, so that she wouldn’t get yelled at. And one day, while she was trying her hardest to be good,

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Response:

Hello the mares – I don’t think I have said hello as of yet – I am Beauty. Don’t feel so awfully beautiful at the moment. But – the name is an indication of what is important to me, a way of saying what I need to have to heal . . . so. Welcome here. I am sorry for all the suffering. I don’t think that it is a reasonable answer to "put it behind you." Obviously, if you could, you would. Any of us would. Are we holding onto it because we want to? I don’t think so. I do think – I do – that there is a "you" there, though – I believe that. I sense it. I sense  a "you." I don’t know how to explain or express it – but I can hear and feel you through your words, through your wish for betterness. Are there things that give you any sense of pleasure or joy? Nature? Things of sensitive joy to the body (such as, my favorite, a beautiful bath to soothe and warm, w/sometimes scent, but mostly just the beautiful, soaking, embracing hot water)?? Or the l*ve of a dear animal friend who lives w/you? Or imagining what you might do if you were able – free from pain, from any obstruction at all? What would you do? I was thinking tonight: I do karate. My body is hurt, so it is hard to do. And it hurts to do karate, but I want to do it. And I was wondering if maybe I could try to do it as if it doesn’t hurt. Just a thought tonight. I am going to try it tomorrow. I might say later how it works out. Is there something you might do if it didn’t hurt to do it? (I mean – like, just eating or sleeping, or looking out the window?) Is there a "job" you are supposed to go to? If not, how do you spend your days? How would you like to spend your days? These are just questions in the interest of beginning to know you, if you care to answer any of them – and if not, that’s fine, too. Just talking, and hoping that you will find my questions friendly. Best wishes – Beauty. — To email me, remove "nospam" from my address. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hi everyone i am going to spoiler because of s’x”l   ‘b’s’  and other stuff and being all alone , I don’t know what I am going to say, I just feel so desperate lately and i know i haven’t posted or answered a post here since i came here  but i have been so messed up,   i hope you all understand p p p p [ [ p p [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [  i can’t stand another memory .   I have had so many of my s’x”l ‘b’s’  lately that all i want to do is die.  so much happened to me that i think now that i am so damaged that there is no use to going on anymore.    i don’t  work or have any friends so i am all alone and have no one to talk to.    why did they hurts me so much over and over again and again and they are dead and they are still hurting me.  i can’t just put it behind me like so many want me to like my dr.   i feel like i am on an island and there is no one and nothing there, not even a tree for me to sit under.  you see they took everything from me as a baby  by the time i was ten there was nothing let of me    i was shattered into so many pieces that i was unrecognizable to myself      i still am/    i am on so many drugs i cant see straight ,  I cant sleep or eat  i dont want to get out of bed in the mornigh and i dont.   nothing makes me happy anymore    all i can think about is my sadness and my loneliness and how much i hurt and i get so angry that i have to live     i dont know what to do or where to turn/   my t is being so tuff on me   cus he says i am strong but i am not   i am so weak and i just want to rest forever and forever i am so sorry for dumping this here on any of you but i am all alone and i am trying to stay alive for a while   please dont get upset    i always get through everything but that is the problem. now      i dont want to get through anything anymore the mares

Response:

Hello verna – Always good to have an excuse to say hi again. Your name means "spring," so I always think of that when I see your signature. I hope that spring is somewhere you can go sometimes when things get hard. Best – Beauty. — To email me, remove "nospam" from my address. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Your words have such a familiar ring.  I remind myself that deep loneliness has always been a part of the human condition, which those of us who have survived that which we ought not, find to be magnified in our souls.  I memorized these lines from the Ancient Mariner, one of my favorite poems,      Alone, alone, all, all alone      Alone on a wide, wide sea,      And nary a saint took pity on      My soul in agony. That is how I feel much of the time.  I guarantee you are not alone. verna

Response:

so sorry it took so long to reply.  i was really in a bad place and didn’t even remember i had posted.  i went to bed and stayed there for a long while.   thank you all for your support.  i am glad i am welcome here and i want to get to know you all better.  so i will tell you about myself when i am not a total wreck.  believe me there are times when i am almost "normal"  (ha ha) i am in my forties but i won’t tell you where because i don’t really want to be there yet .  i have 3 grown kids and have been married for an eternity.  one good thing is that he sticks by me no matter how wacky or sad or alone i get but i usually don’t tell him when   i am really bad.   i read  a lot.  i write a lot.  i love to embroider.   i am a cat lover.  i have two, pussy willow and ilish.  i love to walk by the river.  i live near a college and two universities so i visit them when they have lectures or authors visiting.  and i love to bake cookies esp for the holidays.  baking gets me through those.  except that i eat them and gain too much weight which i  definitely do not need.:) i think that i was so lonely bc i feel like i am at the beginning again. i was in therapy for a long time before i got the right diagnosis.at first i got real, real angry about haveing to start all over again after so much work.  then i think i turned all that anger inside of myself like i was supposed to have known all along about being DID.   i always expect too much from myself so i am always disappointed in myself.  we are working on that one. i am dealing with the conflicting feelings that i have about my f’m'l’. boy this is so tough.  i feel like i am on a rollercoaster. but i will figure it out, but when i don’t know. so anyhow,  thanks all of you who sent me warm hugs and strong support. i wanted everyone to know that i heard you and that you helped me a lot. its not easy for me to accept help from others.  comes from my childhood , you know.   but i am working on that too.  thanks for showing me i can reach out and find someone to care.   hopefully i will be around here more now that i have come out of my hole. please keep warm and cozy. mare

Response:

Thank you. We not want you to be what the name means. We want you to be the spring name. To us, you are. Beauty. — To email me, remove "nospam" from my address. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The latin word vernalis means spring, but verna means home-born slave. Oh, well, whatever it means, its mine. Verna

Response:

The latin word vernalis means spring, but verna means home-born slave.  Oh, well, whatever it means, its mine. Verna

Response:

But why "vernal equinox" meaning equinox that comes in the spring? And isn’t the goddess of spring Verna? Or am I making these things up? Oh well. I’ll check further into things. Now you’ve got me really interested. Beauty. — To email me, remove "nospam" from my address. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Actually, the dictionary says the word "verna" is Latin for "home-born slave" which is from where the word vernacular comes.  However, spring definitely sounds better, even if the slave thing is much more appropriate. Thanks for the love,y wishes, Beauty. Verna

Response:

Actually, the dictionary says the word "verna" is Latin for "home-born slave" which is from where the word vernacular comes.  However, spring definitely sounds better, even if the slave thing is much more appropriate. Thanks for the love,y wishes, Beauty. Verna

Response:

i hear what you say.  i’m glad you’re writing.  i’ll write more when i’m feeling sane…  ok, ok…saner… jt

et… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – so sorry it took so long to reply.  i was really in a bad place and didn’t even remember i had posted.  i went to bed and stayed there for a long while. thank you all for your support.  i am glad i am welcome here and i want to get to know you all better.  so i will tell you about myself when i am not a total wreck.  believe me there are times when i am almost "normal"  (ha ha) i am in my forties but i won’t tell you where because i don’t really want to be there yet .  i have 3 grown kids and have been married for an eternity.  one good thing is that he sticks by me no matter how wacky or sad or alone i get but i usually don’t tell him when i am really bad.   i read  a lot.  i write a lot.  i love to

embroider.   i am a cat – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – lover.  i have two, pussy willow and ilish.  i love to walk by the river.  i live near a college and two universities so i visit them when they have lectures or authors visiting.  and i love to bake cookies esp for the holidays.  baking gets me through those.  except that i eat them and gain too much weight which i  definitely do not need.:) i think that i was so lonely bc i feel like i am at the beginning again. i was in therapy for a long time before i got the right diagnosis.at first i got real, real angry about haveing to start all over again after so much work.  then i think i turned all that anger inside of myself like i was supposed to have known all along about being DID.   i always expect too much from myself so i am always disappointed in myself.  we are working on that one. i am dealing with the conflicting feelings that i have about my f’m'l’. boy this is so tough.  i feel like i am on a

rollercoaster. but i will – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – figure it out, but when i don’t know. so anyhow,  thanks all of you who sent me warm hugs and strong support. i wanted everyone to know that i heard you and that you helped me a lot. its not easy for me to accept help from others.  comes from my childhood , you know.   but i am working on that too.  thanks for showing me i can reach out and find someone to care. hopefully i will be around here more now that i have come out of my hole. please keep warm and cozy. mare

Response:

I am gonna spoiler just in case. 1 3 5 5 Things aren’t going so good.  Their gonna put our childhood dog to = sleep.  Love that dog.  He protected us.  And we protected him.  Always = told the abusers that they can hurt us but not the dogs.  Now we can’t = even protect him. He be going and it hurts our heart.  Nobody cares.  Nobody cares about = us or how we hurt.  Can’t take it.  Lost best friend at Christmas and = now we losin our childhood dog.  Everybody we love is dyin.  Why they = die and we live?  Don’t understand.  Hurtin.  Need support.  Nobody = here. Morgana and everyone   — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

I am gonna spoiler just in case.

 spoilered too for mild talk about afterlife. 1 3 5 5

6 7 8 Things aren’t going so good.  Their gonna put our childhood dog to = sleep.  Love that dog.  He protected us.  And we protected him.  Always = told the abusers that they can hurt us but not the dogs.  Now we can’t = even protect him. He be going and it hurts our heart.  Nobody cares.  Nobody cares about = us or how we hurt.  Can’t take it.  Lost best friend at Christmas and = now we losin our childhood dog.  Everybody we love is dyin.  Why they = die and we live?  Don’t understand.  Hurtin.  Need support.  Nobody = here. Morgana and everyone  

Morgana, I am so sorry you are sad. We at asd care. I don’t know if it helps but there is an old story that of all the animals that were in Eden it was only the dogs that *wanted* to go with Adam and Eve. I think dogs have s*ls. Dogs are important to me, alot. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

Morgana, this is for you.  this has been posted to asar numerous times, and will probably be posted wherever and whenever it’s needed.  it’s called the Rainbow Bridge, and it is a bit of an idea of an afterl*f*, but nothing scarey.  it is quite a touching piece, and it is meant to help you.  i’m sorry you are hurting. peace from our pieces, us embies (if you can’t see this correctly here it is also at our poetry archives at http://www.geocities.com/soho/7337/rainbow.html ) "We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached.  Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way. We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan."  ~ Irving Townsend, "The Once Again Prince" RAINBOW BRIDGE Author Unknown Just  this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body begins to quiver.  Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.  The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.         Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….      Be bold in what you stand for and careful of what you fall for.                             ~ Ruth Boorstin — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

Sorry Know how hard this can be. Wishing you comfort throughout your grief.

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness

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