Distroyed
Question:
Hello Bri, Welcome to the show. It was really wierd reading your post because except for a few minor details it could have been written by me. My story is very similar to yours. And like you, I often find myself living in that same funk you describe. I have come to terms with my situation and I have a very positive outlook most of the time, but it does all catch up with me once in a while. It sounds like you are progressing pretty good considering what you are going through. It is good that you are getting out with friends and not sitting around doing nothing. For me the loneliness sets in more when I am out with others and see happy couples together. That makes me long for another relationship, but I know I am a long ways from being ready for that. As long as you are at the point where you really want the relationship to be over, just continue to move forward the way you are. Don’t be in too big a hurry to find someone else. Focus on your recovery and the future will take care of itself. Dan
Response:
Thanks for the advise, Dan. I hope to have your spirt someday. I really enjoy going out with my friends but I am afraid that I am going to get burned out on it or burn out my friends! I think I would rather do anything other than sit alone in this house. I know I want the relationship to be over…and believe me, it definitely is. I just can’t seem to get all these things out of my head. I don’t care what she does anymore…until someone tells me. I can be on the road to recovery and then fall to a low, lower than the one before. I know I should get involved with anyone now, but I’m left with the feeling that there is something wrong with me it I don’t. I am usually a very analytical, very practical person with all the answers. But having to face all this has left me confused and lost. Thanks again, Bri
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello Bri, Welcome to the show. It was really wierd reading your post because except for a few minor details it could have been written by me. My story is very similar to yours. And like you, I often find myself living in that same funk you describe. I have come to terms with my situation and I have a very positive outlook most of the time, but it does all catch up with me once in a while. It sounds like you are progressing pretty good considering what you are going through. It is good that you are getting out with friends and not sitting around doing nothing. For me the loneliness sets in more when I am out with others and see happy couples together. That makes me long for another relationship, but I know I am a long ways from being ready for that. As long as you are at the point where you really want the relationship to be over, just continue to move forward the way you are. Don’t be in too big a hurry to find someone else. Focus on your recovery and the future will take care of itself. Dan
Response:
Hi group. This is my first posting so I guess I’m a newbie. My stbx and I were married for 6 years. We seperated in June 99 (mainly her idea) and I was dealing with it well, I though. But the past week has pushed me further than I thought I could ever go. I feel like I am coming apart. Here’s a little background.
<snip You have to concentrate on you … get some new hobbies; do rigorous physical exercise; do some reading; eat right; get a solid night’s sleep … your pain will diminish with time although there will be the inevitable flashbacks, accompanied by your tears, for a while. Not that it matters at this stage but I would not be surprised to learn your wife is bipolar … depressed yet with mood swings to elation and irresponsibility. Since you saw a counselor, I am surprised this possibility was not raised … or maybe it was and you just did not mention it. It hurts to watch someone you love destroy herself, if that is what happens, but you cannot do anything about it if she refuses to acknowledge the problems … she has to do the work to save herself Take care of yourself, Floridanewbie
Response:
Hi, Bri. Well, you are wise to keep out of a relationship for a while. You have to figure out why you chose a person like this, and do your best to not choose another one like her. Living alone might be good for you in that you will learn how to take care of youself, so you won’t just grab someone to take care of you. You sound like you are on a pretty even keel. My situation was different, but I was considerably more upset for much longer than 6 months, so from here it looks like you will be fine. Best wishes. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Hi group. This is my first posting so I guess I’m a newbie. My stbx and I were married for 6 years. We seperated in June 99 (mainly her idea) and I was dealing with it well, I though. But the past week has pushed me further than I thought I could ever go. I feel like I am coming apart. Here’s a little background. We were married way too young (she was 19 and I was 21). We were living together and I was getting marriage pressure from her and threats from her parents. So, we ran off and got married. I had major concerns from the beginning. She has always had a big self esteem problem (she was adopted…attacked in her teens…very controlling parents). We worked through the issues though and built what I feel was good life for ourselves (nice cars, nice house, good jobs, friends, great neighboors). And then the other shoe finally dropped…she told me that she was not happy. She started staying out all night with a new set of wild friends…got a tatoo…spend tons of money with nothing to show for it. We tryed to work it out, saw a counselor the whole bit. After a few sessions, the counselor picked up on her personality issues and even suggested she seek more help. She refused, saying that she has always been this way and was not going to change. By this point, I was tired of "babysitting" her and decided that if she no longer wanted to be an adult or be married we should divorce. It was not hard for a while. She moved out. We worked on our separation agreement…who gets what. I would only see her about once a week and that was good. I have to admit that it was kinda nice even. I truely realized that she was not the women for me and in spite of my great loneliness, I was looking forward to moving on with my life. Then it began to hit me hard. I found out that she had already started dating some guy. I thought I was going to die. It hurt so bad that I was replaced so quickly. The separation agreement was complete by this point, but she told me that she was having surgery and could sign it for another week. She explained that it was some sort of growth she was having removed (she explained the whole surgery…she is a nurse). She even told me this sad story about how she doesn’t have enought money to eat (she had ran up several thousand dollars in debit…I know this part is true). The truth came out when I go the credit card statement and learned that she was getting a boob job! The money that I have to pay her for her half of the equity in the house she has already blown on a new set of boobs. Last week, I was out with my friends and ran into some girls that work with her. They wasted no time in going me all the sorted details of her new relationship. She has alienated her friends and co-workers by bragging about her new guy. Her absences have put her job in jeopardy. I know I shouldn’t care about what or who she is doing….but is hurts….bad. It sounds like she is moving on with her life (as destructive of a life as it may be). How do I move on with mine? Part of me wants to start dating….but I know I need a relationship now like I need a hole in the head. I have never lived alone…the loneliness is killing me. I go out with friends as often as possible and usually have a pretty good time. But the loneliness always returns when I get home. I know this is something I have to deal with, but how? Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I have got to get out of this funk…I am finding it hard to be productive at work. Thanks for letting me vent…sorry for the rambling. I just need to communicate with people who have been through it. Bri
Response:
Hi group. This is my first posting so I guess I’m a newbie. My stbx and I were married for 6 years. We seperated in June 99 (mainly her idea) and I was dealing with it well, I though. But the past week has pushed me further than I thought I could ever go. I feel like I am coming apart. Here’s a little background. We were married way too young (she was 19 and I was 21). We were living together and I was getting marriage pressure from her and threats from her parents. So, we ran off and got married. I had major concerns from the beginning. She has always had a big self esteem problem (she was adopted…attacked in her teens…very controlling parents). We worked through the issues though and built what I feel was good life for ourselves (nice cars, nice house, good jobs, friends, great neighboors). And then the other shoe finally dropped…she told me that she was not happy. She started staying out all night with a new set of wild friends…got a tatoo…spend tons of money with nothing to show for it. We tryed to work it out, saw a counselor the whole bit. After a few sessions, the counselor picked up on her personality issues and even suggested she seek more help. She refused, saying that she has always been this way and was not going to change. By this point, I was tired of "babysitting" her and decided that if she no longer wanted to be an adult or be married we should divorce. It was not hard for a while. She moved out. We worked on our separation agreement…who gets what. I would only see her about once a week and that was good. I have to admit that it was kinda nice even. I truely realized that she was not the women for me and in spite of my great loneliness, I was looking forward to moving on with my life. Then it began to hit me hard. I found out that she had already started dating some guy. I thought I was going to die. It hurt so bad that I was replaced so quickly. The separation agreement was complete by this point, but she told me that she was having surgery and could sign it for another week. She explained that it was some sort of growth she was having removed (she explained the whole surgery…she is a nurse). She even told me this sad story about how she doesn’t have enought money to eat (she had ran up several thousand dollars in debit…I know this part is true). The truth came out when I go the credit card statement and learned that she was getting a boob job! The money that I have to pay her for her half of the equity in the house she has already blown on a new set of boobs. Last week, I was out with my friends and ran into some girls that work with her. They wasted no time in going me all the sorted details of her new relationship. She has alienated her friends and co-workers by bragging about her new guy. Her absences have put her job in jeopardy. I know I shouldn’t care about what or who she is doing….but is hurts….bad. It sounds like she is moving on with her life (as destructive of a life as it may be). How do I move on with mine? Part of me wants to start dating….but I know I need a relationship now like I need a hole in the head. I have never lived alone…the loneliness is killing me. I go out with friends as often as possible and usually have a pretty good time. But the loneliness always returns when I get home. I know this is something I have to deal with, but how? Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I have got to get out of this funk…I am finding it hard to be productive at work. Thanks for letting me vent…sorry for the rambling. I just need to communicate with people who have been through it. Bri
Response:
Filed under: Loneliness
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