Going out to dinner with a bunch of people
Question:
Today my coworkers invited me to go out with them to dinner. Not terribly exciting to most but exciting to me because I don’t go out with others often as I’m shy to ask plus I don’t get asked much by others either. So I gladly accepted. While I was surrounded with 10 other coworkers I often felt all alone. They were talking about all this stuff but they never included me in on the conversation all that much. So I spent a bunch of time just twiddling my thumbs, staring into space. Once in a while I’d try to initiate conversation with someone sitting next to me but after a couple sentences it fizzled so I was back where I started from. First, I’m not gifted at starting conversations. I want to have a deep and intimate conversation with others but I’m often afraid to introduce the topics. I don’t want to talk in boring cliches either. Talk about the weather or Clinton gets boring very fast. Once in a while I’d try to join in the conversation with my own replies. I’d add in my words but nobody really responded back much. Also the restaurant was packed and there was lots of background noise so maybe the others just didn’t hear me. I don’t really know. But these are mere casual acquaintances I went out with, not close friends or anything. And they know hardly nothing about me besides the work I do. So maybe they didn’t see much point in instigating conversation with me. I’m getting the impression they invited me because they had to be fair and include everybody in the research group as not to offend rather than because they really wanted me to go with them. Or maybe I just analyze too much and I’m way too hard on myself. Sorry for the rambling, Laura
Response:
Hey JB, how well do you get along with the chinese guy? There is probably a good chance that he also feels left out and would like eating lunch with you. Instead of waiting for the group to invite you to lunch, why don’t you invite some people to go with you? I know that where I work, it’s always the same group who go to eat together and it’s not because we have something against any of the other people. We’re just so caught up in the routine that we never think about asking the other guys. In fact, if the others know that you bring your own lunch, they might reason that you won’t want to go with them, because you’ve already made your own plans. If they invite you, don’t be afraid to go, either. You really don’t have to say anything. Eating lunch puts you in a fairly safe position. Whenever the conversation starts to make you uncomfortable in whatever way, you can retreat and concentrate on your food. Just take it easy, enjoy your meal, listen to the conversation and smile from time to time. Oh, and don’t gobble up everything in your plate in one fell swoop, because looking at an empty plate is not a good excuse for withdrawing from conversation. The main thing is that you shouldn’t feel obliged to say anything. The odds are that the others will be so involved with their own discussions that they won’t even notice you not saying anything. Just use your eyes to show that you’re not lost in your dreams, i.e. watch the person who’s talking from time to time. Johan JB wrote:
<snip> – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> and felt really uncomfortable eating there with them. The group thing >> seems to have fizzled out anyway, and now I go to the cafeteria, get my >> food, and bring it back to my cubical to eat. I just can’t stand eating >> in front of other people, especially since I’d be sitting all alone. >That’s interesting. You seem to have wound up doing what I already >do (except I bring my own lunch). I eat in my cubicle alone because >my coworkers don’t invite me to go with them. I guess I should be glad >I don’t have to eat with them and listen to their boring conversations. >Still it irks me that they never invite me or one other guy. The really >dumb thing is that they always go to a Chinese restaurant and the other >person they don’t invite is Chinese. You’d think they’d think maybe a >Chinese person would want to eat Chinese food. It gets depressing when I >hear them making plans and they can just go on their merry way without >feeling the least bit guilty. But I’m sure if they did invite me, I’d be >too afraid to go. >-JB
Response:
Laura Miller <mill1…@tc.umn.edu> writes: > Today my coworkers invited me to go out with them to dinner. Not > terribly exciting to most but exciting to me because I don’t go out with > others often as I’m shy to ask plus I don’t get asked much by others > either. So I gladly accepted. While I was surrounded with 10 other
<snip> Hi Laura, This really rings a very large bell with me! It is almost precisely the same situation I often find myself in when I am in a group. I think the problem that I have is that if there is someone ‘outgoing’ there I feel intimidated and as a result sit there wondering how to make any sort of conversation. Generally I fail. Also I find that when I leave early, the response is along the lines of, ‘oh, it’s a shame you’re going.’ I don’t think that people deliberately leave me out of conversation, and I suspect that they don’t do that to you either. It’s just that some people tend to hog conversations. There has to be a good answer to this… I just wish I knew what it was… sorry not to be very positive except to say that you are definitely not alone… Euan — *from* Euan Bayliss aka e…@agm.net … writing to you from Leeds, England…. Catch me on ICQ #25319325! "As every cat owner knows, no-one owns a cat." Ellen Perry Berkeley
Response:
cavala…@my-dejanews.com wrote: > Where I work I had the same thing happen when I started. Everyone > in my section would gather as as group, and either go to the in-house > lunchette, or out to some restaraunt. I always felt uncomfrotable in > those situations, because everyone else already knew each other very > well, and they talked about things which I knew nothing about and/or > could care less about (things like football, some show on cable (which > I don’t get), gossip about all the other people in the company who I don’t > know and the like) I always felt left out of the conversations, > and felt really uncomfortable eating there with them. The group thing > seems to have fizzled out anyway, and now I go to the cafeteria, get my > food, and bring it back to my cubical to eat. I just can’t stand eating > in front of other people, especially since I’d be sitting all alone.
That’s interesting. You seem to have wound up doing what I already do (except I bring my own lunch). I eat in my cubicle alone because my coworkers don’t invite me to go with them. I guess I should be glad I don’t have to eat with them and listen to their boring conversations. Still it irks me that they never invite me or one other guy. The really dumb thing is that they always go to a Chinese restaurant and the other person they don’t invite is Chinese. You’d think they’d think maybe a Chinese person would want to eat Chinese food. It gets depressing when I hear them making plans and they can just go on their merry way without feeling the least bit guilty. But I’m sure if they did invite me, I’d be too afraid to go. -JB — For more information about this service, send e-mail to: h…@anon.twwells.com — for an automatically returned help message ad…@anon.twwells.com – for the service’s administrator ano…@anon.twwells.com — anonymous mail to the administrator
Response:
On Wed, 16 Dec 1998 22:47:57 -0600, Laura Miller <mill1…@tc.umn.edu> wrote: >Today my coworkers invited me to go out with them to dinner. >…While I was surrounded with 10 other >coworkers I often felt all alone. They were talking about all this >stuff but they never included me in on the conversation all that much. >So I spent a bunch of time just twiddling my thumbs, staring into >space. Once in a while I’d try to initiate conversation with someone >sitting next to me but after a couple sentences it fizzled so I was back >where I started from. First, I’m not gifted at starting conversations. >I want to have a deep and intimate conversation with others but I’m >often afraid to introduce the topics.
What did they talk about? Were those topics interesting to you? If they were, perhaps, if you get the chance again, you can use one of those topics to start and stay in a conversation. Practice with yourself ahead of time. What topics are interesting to you? If you were to be in a conversation, and you brought up this topic, what would you say? If what these people talked about were not interesting to you, then you’ll have to find others who are. There’s no sense in trying to join people who’s company you’re not going to enjoy. I recall a particularly trying time once when I managed to somehow attract the attention of a woman in a bar who talked about nothing but her makeup. Whew, that was boring (although, I must admit, I didn’t know before then about using crushed rocks for lipstick) , and she wouldn’t let me change the topic or get away. rajat
Response:
In article <36788CFD.820BF…@tc.umn.edu>, Laura Miller <mill1…@tc.umn.edu> wrote: > Today my coworkers invited me to go out with them to dinner. Not > terribly exciting to most but exciting to me because I don’t go out with
<snip> > me. I’m getting the impression they invited me because they had to be > fair and include everybody in the research group as not to offend rather > than because they really wanted me to go with them. Or maybe I just > analyze too much and I’m way too hard on myself.
Where I work I had the same thing happen when I started. Everyone in my section would gather as as group, and either go to the in-house lunchette, or out to some restaraunt. I always felt uncomfrotable in those situations, because everyone else already knew each other very well, and they talked about things which I knew nothing about and/or could care less about (things like football, some show on cable (which I don’t get), gossip about all the other people in the company who I don’t know and the like) I always felt left out of the conversations, and felt really uncomfortable eating there with them. The group thing seems to have fizzled out anyway, and now I go to the cafeteria, get my food, and bring it back to my cubical to eat. I just can’t stand eating in front of other people, especially since I’d be sitting all alone. cav —————————————————– All about Me! http://www.geocities.com/soho/2601 NYC Shy Guys! http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/shyguysnyc ———–== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==———- http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own
Response:
On Wed, 16 Dec 1998, Laura Miller wrote: > So I gladly accepted. While I was surrounded with 10 other > coworkers I often felt all alone. They were talking about all this > stuff but they never included me in on the conversation all that much.
Well, welcome to the club. There’s an old Science Fiction story called "The Second Kind of Loneliness" which gets this perfectly, I think. The second kind is the kind one feels when one is around a lot of people, and the author argues that it’s far worse than the other kind, when one is alone. I agree. > I want to have a deep and intimate conversation with others but I’m > often afraid to introduce the topics.
Well, I suppose you could practice here. -Eric
Response:
Filed under: Loneliness
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