Lonely Loneliness

I decided to give therapy a try

Question:

Thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. The overwhelming consensus was to go back to the therapist, so I did. I didn’t want to, but I made my feet walk up the steps. I felt like I was going to be sick as I climbed the three flights of stairs.

nm – I just went back to anti-depressant medication after almost a year off it. I felt like I had failed. But it’s important that I do this for myself. I really need it. Sometimes we have to take a few steps back in order to go forward again. Good for you. You’ve got my support. Take care, Rick

Response:

hiya I hope you don’t mind if I drop in and chat with you for  a bit. (hiya silverleaf!) I didn’t see nm’s post, just your responce, so, I thought I would add my reply to it. gate.com… : Thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. The overwhelming : consensus was to go back to the therapist, so I did. I didn’t want to, : but I made my feet walk up the steps. I felt like I was going to be sick : as I climbed the three flights of stairs. this was so very very brave of you. you did wonderful.

Yepyep!! You did!!  You took the biggest, the hardest, and the scariest step you will ever have to take.  Be very proud of yourself, and the courage that you have shown. You know something?  I’m going to tell you a secret.  I don’t think that I have ever met anybody that found it easy to start therapy, or anybody that wasn’t scared to death of that huge unknown they were about to dive into. So, that sort of puts you right in there, along with the rest of us.   For me, the loneliness, no the aloneness, of what I lived with, was what was so overwhelming.  In starting to deal with it, and discovering I wasn’t alone, that was probably the best thing that ever happened to me,  You aren’t alone, either. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -: I told her how I felt, about being scared, and ashamed, embarrassed, : feeling guilty, and all that stuff. It was a horrible feeling to be : saying all these things. She said I wasn’t crazy, and that was a big : relief for me….and she said that she didn’t think less of me for being : abused. I guess I was relieved a little by hearing that. She said it : wasn’t my fault that I was abused, but I begged to differ. I always : thought I must have done something terribly bad as a child to deserve to : be sexually abused. When the shoe was put on the other foot though, I : couldn’t think of any behavior a child could elicit that would deserve to : be punished by sexual abuse. OK, so it wasn’t my fault, and I didn’t : deserve it. : Then why did my mother let her friends do this to me? this is a hard thing for me too. because if it was my fault, then i can explain it, then i had some control. it’s really hard and really painful to admit that i had no control. that my abusers hurt me because they wanted to.

It’s so much easier to say, I was bad, it was my fault, I must have done something terrible to be punished that way.  The people that are supposed to love us, and care for us, that should keep us safe from harm, we have to depend on them, when we are children.  We have to trust them to do what is best for us.  Then that trust is betrayed.   be gentle with yourself, here. this is a hard thing to work through, and you can take your time and do it at your own pace.

You have a long road ahead of you.  At times, a pretty rocky one.  I agree with silverleaf, be gentle with yourself.  Be kind to you, treat that scared child inside with gentle respect and lots of love.  Let that child know that it’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to cry.   John Bradshaw has an excellent book, called "Homecoming" that talks about this.   Learning to love and cherish that inner child is probably one of the best parts of my recovery.  Before that, I really never knew how to look after my own needs.  Hell, I didn’t even realize that I *had* needs! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -: I attempted suicide when I was 5, so I figure that must have been around : the time when the abuse started…it ended when I was 10. Why didn’t I : run away, or tell someone what was going on? Why did I let it happen to : me? What does it mean if I could have done something about it and : didn’t…. it means that you were a hurt child who didn’t know what to do. it doesn’t mean anything was your fault. the people you were supposed to be able to trust betrayed you, how could you possibly trust a stranger? you didn’t let it happen to you, your abusers DID it to you. you were scared, and hurt, and alone. you did the best you could, and that was good enough. it was not your job to protect yourself from these people, it was their job not to hurt you. you were innocent, and wonderful, and you deserved to be treated with love and respect.

Right on the money, silverleaf.  I think we all have had to deal with those kinds of doubts, at some point or another, in recovery.  I was 8 or 9, when the abuse started. I just could not understand why I "let" it happen.  I should have been able to put a stop to it, right?  Well, it wasn’t until my own daughter was 8 years old, and suddenly it all fell into place.  I was that old when it started.  I was that big, when it started.  Now, what chance does a 4ft nothing, 60 pound child have against a full grown man? That was the day, that I finally knew, that I couldn’t have stopped him. That was the day that I stopped blaming me. : I decided to make another appointment for next week. I don’t have that : embarrassed feeling, so I guess talking about it helped. It sure is : painful, though. it *is* painful, and i really respect the courage it takes to go back.

Yep, it sure is painful.  It takes a lot of courage to face the issue head on, as you are doing.  So give yourself a pat on the back, and be proud. take care, rosee – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -silverleaf — — These here are *my* opinions. If you don’t like ‘em, go get your own.

Response:

: Thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. The overwhelming : consensus was to go back to the therapist, so I did. I didn’t want to, : but I made my feet walk up the steps. I felt like I was going to be sick : as I climbed the three flights of stairs. this was so very very brave of you. you did wonderful. : I told her how I felt, about being scared, and ashamed, embarrassed, : feeling guilty, and all that stuff. It was a horrible feeling to be : saying all these things. She said I wasn’t crazy, and that was a big : relief for me….and she said that she didn’t think less of me for being : abused. I guess I was relieved a little by hearing that. She said it : wasn’t my fault that I was abused, but I begged to differ. I always : thought I must have done something terribly bad as a child to deserve to : be sexually abused. When the shoe was put on the other foot though, I : couldn’t think of any behavior a child could elicit that would deserve to : be punished by sexual abuse. OK, so it wasn’t my fault, and I didn’t : deserve it. : Then why did my mother let her friends do this to me? this is a hard thing for me too. because if it was my fault, then i can explain it, then i had some control. it’s really hard and really painful to admit that i had no control. that my abusers hurt me because they wanted to. be gentle with yourself, here. this is a hard thing to work through, and you can take your time and do it at your own pace. : I attempted suicide when I was 5, so I figure that must have been around : the time when the abuse started…it ended when I was 10. Why didn’t I : run away, or tell someone what was going on? Why did I let it happen to : me? What does it mean if I could have done something about it and : didn’t…. it means that you were a hurt child who didn’t know what to do. it doesn’t mean anything was your fault. the people you were supposed to be able to trust betrayed you, how could you possibly trust a stranger? you didn’t let it happen to you, your abusers DID it to you. you were scared, and hurt, and alone. you did the best you could, and that was good enough. it was not your job to protect yourself from these people, it was their job not to hurt you. you were innocent, and wonderful, and you deserved to be treated with love and respect.  : I decided to make another appointment for next week. I don’t have that : embarrassed feeling, so I guess talking about it helped. It sure is : painful, though. it *is* painful, and i really respect the courage it takes to go back. silverleaf — — These here are *my* opinions. If you don’t like ‘em, go get your own.

Response:

Ya, keep working on it sweetie. Being bonded with the perpatrator (instead of being bonded with a healthy parent object)is a trip to untie. And growing up in a sick and needy family, usually makes children who are sick and needy, and then grow into adults that way – manifesting the disease in different behaviours. And it’s tuff for 5 years olds to run away, get a job, tell non family members in witness of something they have grown up with and have learned as "normal" though it is dysfunctional family systems and very toxic. And how can a 5 year old not let something happen to them.   They are not the parents, the care taker.  They are the naieve child who can not play adult games, organically incapable of it, until years after puberity. It is so wonderful to watch you grow. keep up the great work. SumBuddie posted and mailed for comsec – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. The overwhelming consensus was to go back to the therapist, so I did. I didn’t want to, but I made my feet walk up the steps. I felt like I was going to be sick as I climbed the three flights of stairs. I told her how I felt, about being scared, and ashamed, embarrassed, feeling guilty, and all that stuff. It was a horrible feeling to be saying all these things. She said I wasn’t crazy, and that was a big relief for me….and she said that she didn’t think less of me for being abused. I guess I was relieved a little by hearing that. She said it wasn’t my fault that I was abused, but I begged to differ. I always thought I must have done something terribly bad as a child to deserve to be sexually abused. When the shoe was put on the other foot though, I couldn’t think of any behavior a child could elicit that would deserve to be punished by sexual abuse. OK, so it wasn’t my fault, and I didn’t deserve it. Then why did my mother let her friends do this to me? I attempted suicide when I was 5, so I figure that must have been around the time when the abuse started…it ended when I was 10. Why didn’t I run away, or tell someone what was going on? Why did I let it happen to me? What does it mean if I could have done something about it and didn’t…. I decided to make another appointment for next week. I don’t have that embarrassed feeling, so I guess talking about it helped. It sure is painful, though. nm

Response:

nm, I’m glad you went and made it through.  The word painful some how doesn’t seem adaquate sometimes does it?   I found that there were times when the pain of "embarassement" formed a lump in my throat that litteraly had to be coughed out so I could continue.   Sounds like you have a good therapist.  Stay with it. jeeco – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I decided to make another appointment for next week. I don’t have that embarrassed feeling, so I guess talking about it helped. It sure is painful, though.

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness

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