Lonely Loneliness

just…

Question:

i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put one in just in case. mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s wanting maybe to be allowed to be sad and depr*ssed without it being a bad thing.  I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, but it’s a little how i feel today.  I’m doing better, i go up and down a lot throughout the day; one minute i’m doing fine, the next i’m sad and cold, but i’m doing ok. I lay on the sofa for an hour or so with a blanket and just s*ck*d my thumb, and i feel embarrassed to say that, but i wasnt crying, i just needed to.  Sometimes when i feel little i just want to feel i’m allowed to do that.  but i don’t.  sometimes i can’t allow myself, because it’s a little scary to feel that little, and even when i let myself when nobody else is around, i don’t feel like i’m allowed to.  if i do that, everybody things it’s a bad thing.  i think everybody inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive, spending more time doing other things.  Today I just wished somebody were near to hold me in silence, and just let me be sad for a little while.  I wish there were someone near me who understood, and were just around sometimes. It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could get rid of it.  But I can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her, but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the news, stories, other people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the same.  The feeling, all that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just be logical, and piece facts together, and understand things rationally, and it doesn’t FEEL rational.  So silent tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of loneliness and sadness gets squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. frankii.

Response:

wish we knew how to help. (( mischa’s chaos frankii schrieb: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put one in just in case. mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s wanting maybe to be allowed to be sad and depr*ssed without it being a bad thing.  I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, but it’s a little how i feel today.  I’m doing better, i go up and down a lot throughout the day; one minute i’m doing fine, the next i’m sad and cold, but i’m doing ok. I lay on the sofa for an hour or so with a blanket and just s*ck*d my thumb, and i feel embarrassed to say that, but i wasnt crying, i just needed to.  Sometimes when i feel little i just want to feel i’m allowed to do that.  but i don’t.  sometimes i can’t allow myself, because it’s a little scary to feel that little, and even when i let myself when nobody else is around, i don’t feel like i’m allowed to.  if i do that, everybody things it’s a bad thing.  i think everybody inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive, spending more time doing other things.  Today I just wished somebody were near to hold me in silence, and just let me be sad for a little while.  I wish there were someone near me who understood, and were just around sometimes. It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could get rid of it.  But I can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her, but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the news, stories, other people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the same.  The feeling, all that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just be logical, and piece facts together, and understand things rationally, and it doesn’t FEEL rational.  So silent tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of loneliness and sadness gets squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. frankii.

Response:

" – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put one in just in case. mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s

It is hard to tell yourself that it is ok to feel sad about what happened….makes the "I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself" stuff come up.  For me, the adult, I was ok but knew that I had the sad and hurt ones.  What I did and still do was/is to hug myself during these sad times and slowly ask what happened that was so sad….even gave permission that whomever didn’t have to talk about it yet ifn they didn’t want to do….but I made sure the little one knew that I cared and loved em.  I also asked if there was something that I could do for them….this ended up with many McD’s trips (and more then a few pounds) and also just little stuff that I could buy, even make for whomever.  It help build up the trust and safe feelings.  I had to be both mom and dad to my kids…..it really doesn’t take much….it’s amazing really….just a lot of love and attention and caring. I also made sure that my kids knew that it was wrong for them to be hurt and that I was sorry that they were…..and that since I was "old" it was my abuse to take back now and not theirs to hold.  That’s a catch 22 but if the child feels better then so did I….and it is true….as an adult, I can handle the pain and abuse better then the kids and the abuse is mine to own. Donna

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put one in just in case. mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s

Here’s what my t’pist taught me about feelings. They just are. So, to say you feel embarassed because you want to feel sad (ok, that was a confusing way to put it:) can be turned into: you feel embarassed _and_ you want to feel sad. Both are just feelings. See? I think I’m explaining this badly… Um, so whatever feeling you are having at any given point is _exactly_ the feeling you are ’supposed’ to have because feelings just are. That you don’t like a particular feeling or want it to stop or whatever is thinking about the feeling and not just letting the feeling be. (yeah, like _this_ is getting any clearer as I go:) wanting maybe to be allowed to be sad and depr*ssed without it being a bad thing.  I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, but it’s a little how i feel today.  I’m doing better, i go up and down a lot throughout the day; one minute i’m doing fine, the next i’m sad and cold, but i’m doing ok. I lay on the sofa for an hour or so with a blanket and just s*ck*d my thumb, and i feel embarrassed to say that, but i wasnt crying, i just needed to.  Sometimes when i feel

btdt little i just want to feel i’m allowed to do that.  but i don’t.  sometimes i can’t allow myself, because it’s a little scary to feel that little, and even when i let myself when nobody else is around, i don’t feel like i’m allowed to.  if i do that, everybody things it’s a bad thing.  i think everybody inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive,

See, more just feelings you get to feel and then they are done. If you _think_ about feeling feelings you just get stuck. You have to just feel the feelings and then they are done being there (for now, sometimes they come back later). As for that infamous word ’should’, who said so? Not me! Heck, if I get time to just lay on the sofa lately I TAKE IT! Maybe it should be that you should be laying on the sofa more and doing less other things. Maybe _that_ is what would be better for you right now spending more time doing other things.  Today I just wished somebody were near to hold me in silence, and just let me be sad for a little while.  I wish there were someone near me who understood, and were just around sometimes. It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could get rid of it.  But I

Yep, that would help a lot, imo. Being able to express the feeling the way it needs to be expressed _always_ works well for me. Figuring out how to do it isn’t always the easiest however… can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her,

Has she said so? Are you sure she wants you to or is it just a suggestion? My t’pist once suggested that I might be really really REALLY angry at my mom. He had a point, intellectually *grin*, but from a feeling pov all I can manage is to feel a bit sorry for her and totally annoyed that she decided to intentionally have kids when she really shouldn’t have. Now when my t’pist suggested I might be really REALLY REALLY REALLY angry at my dad. _That_ I could agree with. So, it doesn’t do any good to try to feel something you don’t feel. Maybe some day you will feel angry with your mom. Maybe not. It’s not really up to your counsellor to decide what you should feel. but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the news, stories, other people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the same.  The feeling, all

How does it not feel the same? Not as bad or not the same type of thing or what? The problem with stuff like this is it _was_ real and it _was_ bad. How real and how bad is up to you to decide, but the basic acceptance of it is kind of like saying that Canada doesn’t exist just cause you don’t want to accept it as real (sorry all you canadians, for whatever reason your country popped into my head as an example:). So, you might not want to accept something as real but it has an external reality that has nothing to do with what you would prefer and so you have to accept it as real. What you do with this acceptance is up to you. that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just

I want you to. It really does help. be logical, and piece facts together, and understand things rationally, and it doesn’t FEEL rational.  So silent

You would _love_ my t’pist! He was always trying to get me to STOP being ration and thinking *huge grin* tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of loneliness and sadness gets squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. frankii.

Yeah, that is why just wallowing in it and getting it all out would be good if you could do it. Then it would be lessened and the more you did this the more it would get empty until one day you would notice that you no long have these feelings like this (or at least that is how it worked for me. Of course it’s not like it was easy or anything, but once I actually did it I was amazed that it worked:) Rainbow Colors (Jill) —      The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing                    we are becoming white light.

Response:

well said, frankii. i’m glad you can take the time (even if only occasionally) to do what feels necessary to you. our jen recognized finally that we-all *can’t* get better unless she decides it’s ok to seek comfort when it feels needed. ahh…i just got an "i don’t feel good." from inside.  gonna go do some comforting myself. you’re doing well, frankii.  it takes a long time to drain the pool of pent-up tears, but each one cried is one less in the pool.  you’ll get there.  one tear at a time, if need be. and heck, the guys here suck our thumb sometimes.  it’s not for *them*, of course… (*looks innocent*)  *Clearly* it’s because one of the littles needs it.  *lips twitch* we are what we are, and right now, we need to suck our thumb a lot, and hug our stuffies.  nothin wrong with that. taking care of a little one who needs comforting is a VERY worthwhile activity, even if the little one is you. *fondness* blue (jt)

i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put

one in just in case. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s wanting maybe to be allowed to be sad and depr*ssed

without it being a bad thing.  I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, but it’s a little how i feel today.  I’m doing better, i go up and down a lot throughout the day; one minute i’m doing fine, the next i’m sad and cold, but i’m doing ok. I lay on the sofa for an hour or so with a blanket and

just s*ck*d my thumb, and i feel embarrassed to say that, but i wasnt crying, i just needed to.

Sometimes when i feel little i just want to feel i’m allowed to do that.  but i don’t.  sometimes i can’t allow myself, because it’s a little scary to feel that little, and even when i let myself when nobody else is

around, i don’t feel like i’m allowed to.  if i do that, everybody things it’s a bad thing.  i think everybody

inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive, spending more time doing other things.  Today I just

wished somebody were – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – near to hold me in silence, and just let me be sad for a little while.  I wish there were someone near me who understood, and were just around sometimes. It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could get rid of it.  But I can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her, but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the

news, stories, other people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the same. The feeling, all that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just be logical, and piece facts together, and understand

things rationally, and – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – it doesn’t FEEL rational.  So silent tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of loneliness and sadness gets squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. frankii.

Response:

well said. jt

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put one in just in case. mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s wanting maybe to be allowed to be sad and depr*ssed

without it being a bad – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – thing. It’s not.  I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, I think so. However, are you sure they actually think of it as a bad thing rather than not want you to feel it? but it’s a little how i feel today.  I’m doing better, i go up and down a lot throughout the day; one minute i’m doing fine, the next i’m sad and cold, but i’m doing ok. I lay on the sofa for an hour or so with a blanket and just s*ck*d my thumb, and i feel embarrassed *shrug* No reason to. to say that, but i wasnt crying, i just needed to.

Sometimes when i feel – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – little i just want to feel i’m allowed to do that.  but i don’t.  sometimes i can’t allow myself, because it’s a little scary to feel that little, and even when i let myself when nobody else is around, i don’t feel like i’m allowed to. Do you know why you don’t feel like you’re allowed? if i do that, everybody things it’s a bad thing. Do you know this or do you feel that they think this? i think everybody inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, Thinking something isn’t the same as it being so. Have you had this conversation with any of them? If not then it seems to be one you should have. and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive, spending more time doing other things. Dealing with emotions and issues is productive, more so than tidying a room that will just get messy again within a few days. It’s just not something you can look at to see the outcome, and so seems less real or productive than the other 3 dimensional things. It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could get rid of it.  But I can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her, but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the

news, stories, other – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the same. Perhaps the other people you read about feel the same.  The feeling, all that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just be logical, and piece facts together, and understand things rationally, and it doesn’t FEEL rational. Witholding emotions isn’t rational nor sensible, speaking from my own experience of my anger issues. I’m unable to express my

anger therefore it’s stored neatly away in a corner, checked on occasionally to see whether it’s grown or not, but left alone. I’m angry and I have reasons to be angry, yet despite that I’m not able to be angry. For that I’d like to tear this body apart. Expression should come first, rationality later, or so in my nsho.  So silent tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of

loneliness and sadness gets – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. Here’s to hoping that you may yet be able to sob.

Response:

In article

i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put

one in just in case. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s

<snip  i think everybody inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive,

(man do we know *that* feeling!) See, more just feelings you get to feel and then they are done. If you _think_ about feeling feelings you just get stuck.

*whistles innocently*  i don’t know *what* you’re talking about, jill! …yeah, but feelings just s*ck. and hey, my eyes are only watering cuz i just sneezed. *harumph* blue, fer jt You have to just feel the feelings and then they are done being there (for now, sometimes they come back later). As for that infamous word ’should’, who said so? Not me! Heck, if I get time to just lay on the sofa lately I TAKE IT! Maybe it should be that you should be laying on the sofa more and doing less other things. Maybe _that_ is what would be better for you right now spending more time doing other things.  Today I just

wished somebody were near to hold me in silence, and just let me be sad for a little while.  I wish there were someone near me who understood, and were just around sometimes. It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could

get rid of it.  But I – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Yep, that would help a lot, imo. Being able to express the feeling the way it needs to be expressed _always_ works well for me. Figuring out how to do it isn’t always the easiest however… can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her, Has she said so? Are you sure she wants you to or is it just a suggestion? My t’pist once suggested that I might be really really REALLY angry at my mom. He had a point, intellectually *grin*, but from a feeling pov all I can manage is to feel a bit sorry for her and totally annoyed that she decided to intentionally have kids when she really shouldn’t have. Now when my t’pist suggested I might be really REALLY REALLY REALLY angry at my dad. _That_ I could agree with. So, it doesn’t do any good to try to feel something you don’t feel. Maybe some day you will feel angry with your mom. Maybe not. It’s not really up to your counsellor to decide what you should feel. but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t

even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the

news, stories, other people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the

same.  The feeling, all – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – How does it not feel the same? Not as bad or not the same type of thing or what? The problem with stuff like this is it _was_ real and it _was_ bad. How real and how bad is up to you to decide, but the basic acceptance of it is kind of like saying that Canada doesn’t exist just cause you don’t want to accept it as real (sorry all you canadians, for whatever reason your country popped into my head as an example:). So, you might not want to accept something as real but it has an external reality that has nothing to do with what you would prefer and so you have to accept it as real. What you do with this acceptance is up to you. that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just I want you to. It really does help. be logical, and piece facts together, and understand

things rationally, and – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – it doesn’t FEEL rational.  So silent You would _love_ my t’pist! He was always trying to get me to STOP being ration and thinking *huge grin* tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of loneliness and sadness gets squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. frankii. Yeah, that is why just wallowing in it and getting it all out would be good if you could do it. Then it would be lessened and the more you did this the more it would get empty until one day you would notice that you no long have these feelings like this (or at least that is how it worked for me. Of course it’s not like it was easy or anything, but once I actually did it I was amazed that it worked:) Rainbow Colors (Jill) —

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –      The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing                    we are becoming white light.

Response:

The newt says that, too. That feelings just are. I don’t understand it, though. Mostly I don’t have some. (shyly) jane’s – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put one in just in case. mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s Here’s what my t’pist taught me about feelings. They just are. So, to say you feel embarassed because you want to feel sad (ok, that was a confusing way to put it:) can be turned into: you feel embarassed _and_ you want to feel sad. Both are just feelings. See? I think I’m explaining this badly… Um, so whatever feeling you are having at any given point is _exactly_ the feeling you are ’supposed’ to have because feelings just are. That you don’t like a particular feeling or want it to stop or whatever is thinking about the feeling and not just letting the feeling be. (yeah, like _this_ is getting any clearer as I go:) wanting maybe to be allowed to be sad and depr*ssed without it being a bad thing.  I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, but it’s a little how i feel today.  I’m doing better, i go up and down a lot throughout the day; one minute i’m doing fine, the next i’m sad and cold, but i’m doing ok. I lay on the sofa for an hour or so with a blanket and just s*ck*d my thumb, and i feel embarrassed to say that, but i wasnt crying, i just needed to.  Sometimes when i feel btdt little i just want to feel i’m allowed to do that.  but i don’t.  sometimes i can’t allow myself, because it’s a little scary to feel that little, and even when i let myself when nobody else is around, i don’t feel like i’m allowed to.  if i do that, everybody things it’s a bad thing.  i think everybody inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive, See, more just feelings you get to feel and then they are done. If you _think_ about feeling feelings you just get stuck. You have to just feel the feelings and then they are done being there (for now, sometimes they come back later). As for that infamous word ’should’, who said so? Not me! Heck, if I get time to just lay on the sofa lately I TAKE IT! Maybe it should be that you should be laying on the sofa more and doing less other things. Maybe _that_ is what would be better for you right now spending more time doing other things.  Today I just wished somebody were near to hold me in silence, and just let me be sad for a little while.  I wish there were someone near me who understood, and were just around sometimes. It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could get rid of it.  But I Yep, that would help a lot, imo. Being able to express the feeling the way it needs to be expressed _always_ works well for me. Figuring out how to do it isn’t always the easiest however… can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her, Has she said so? Are you sure she wants you to or is it just a suggestion? My t’pist once suggested that I might be really really REALLY angry at my mom. He had a point, intellectually *grin*, but from a feeling pov all I can manage is to feel a bit sorry for her and totally annoyed that she decided to intentionally have kids when she really shouldn’t have. Now when my t’pist suggested I might be really REALLY REALLY REALLY angry at my dad. _That_ I could agree with. So, it doesn’t do any good to try to feel something you don’t feel. Maybe some day you will feel angry with your mom. Maybe not. It’s not really up to your counsellor to decide what you should feel. but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the news, stories, other people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the same.  The feeling, all How does it not feel the same? Not as bad or not the same type of thing or what? The problem with stuff like this is it _was_ real and it _was_ bad. How real and how bad is up to you to decide, but the basic acceptance of it is kind of like saying that Canada doesn’t exist just cause you don’t want to accept it as real (sorry all you canadians, for whatever reason your country popped into my head as an example:). So, you might not want to accept something as real but it has an external reality that has nothing to do with what you would prefer and so you have to accept it as real. What you do with this acceptance is up to you. that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just I want you to. It really does help. be logical, and piece facts together, and understand things rationally, and it doesn’t FEEL rational.  So silent You would _love_ my t’pist! He was always trying to get me to STOP being ration and thinking *huge grin* tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of loneliness and sadness gets squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. frankii. Yeah, that is why just wallowing in it and getting it all out would be good if you could do it. Then it would be lessened and the more you did this the more it would get empty until one day you would notice that you no long have these feelings like this (or at least that is how it worked for me. Of course it’s not like it was easy or anything, but once I actually did it I was amazed that it worked:) Rainbow Colors (Jill)

Response:

hi jt,

well said, frankii. i’m glad you can take the time (even if only occasionally) to do what feels necessary to you. our jen recognized finally that we-all *can’t* get better unless she decides it’s ok to seek comfort when it feels needed.

ahh…i just got an "i don’t feel good." from inside.  gonna go do some comforting myself. you’re doing well, frankii.  it takes a long time to drain the pool of pent-up tears, but each one cried is one less in the pool.  you’ll get there.  one tear at a time, if need be.

thank you.  it seems only one tear at a time is all i can do, i hope you’re right about that helping.  it feels so much like if i could just let it all out and let go a little more it would feel better, but i can’t do that, at least not yet. and heck, the guys here suck our thumb sometimes.  it’s not for *them*, of course… (*looks innocent*)  *Clearly* it’s because one of the littles needs it.  *lips twitch*

it’s nice they do that. we are what we are, and right now, we need to suck our thumb a lot, and hug our stuffies.  nothin wrong with that. taking care of a little one who needs comforting is a VERY worthwhile activity, even if the little one is you.

*blush* you seem to understand so much from what i wrote. *fondness*

thank you, take care, frankii. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – blue (jt) i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put one in just in case. mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s wanting maybe to be allowed to be sad and depr*ssed without it being a bad thing.  I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, but it’s a little how i feel today.  I’m doing better, i go up and down a lot throughout the day; one minute i’m doing fine, the next i’m sad and cold, but i’m doing ok. I lay on the sofa for an hour or so with a blanket and just s*ck*d my thumb, and i feel embarrassed to say that, but i wasnt crying, i just needed to. Sometimes when i feel little i just want to feel i’m allowed to do that.  but i don’t.  sometimes i can’t allow myself, because it’s a little scary to feel that little, and even when i let myself when nobody else is around, i don’t feel like i’m allowed to.  if i do that, everybody things it’s a bad thing.  i think everybody inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive, spending more time doing other things.  Today I just wished somebody were near to hold me in silence, and just let me be sad for a little while.  I wish there were someone near me who understood, and were just around sometimes. It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could get rid of it.  But I can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her, but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the news, stories, other people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the same. The feeling, all that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just be logical, and piece facts together, and understand things rationally, and it doesn’t FEEL rational.  So silent tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of loneliness and sadness gets squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. frankii.

Response:

hi,  i’ve only just found this post, and i’m not sure which is from jill and which jt, so my reply might be a little confusing, sorry.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – In article i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put one in just in case. mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s <snip  i think everybody inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive, (man do we know *that* feeling!)

See, more just feelings you get to feel and then they are done. If you _think_ about feeling feelings you just get stuck.

that makes sense to me.  thank you – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – *whistles innocently*  i don’t know *what* you’re talking about, jill! …yeah, but feelings just s*ck. and hey, my eyes are only watering cuz i just sneezed. *harumph* blue, fer jt You have to just feel the feelings and then they are done being there (for now, sometimes they come back later). As for that infamous word ’should’, who said so? Not me! Heck, if I get time to just lay on the sofa lately I TAKE IT! Maybe it should be that you should be laying on the sofa more and doing less other things. Maybe _that_ is what would be better for you right now

maybe.  i guess i need to allow myself to do that though first. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – spending more time doing other things.  Today I just wished somebody were near to hold me in silence, and just let me be sad for a little while.  I wish there were someone near me who understood, and were just around sometimes. It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could get rid of it.  But I Yep, that would help a lot, imo. Being able to express the feeling the way it needs to be expressed _always_ works well for me. Figuring out how to do it isn’t always the easiest however…

no it isn’t, especially with the change around with our T at the moment, it’s hard to feel i belong anywhere at all, nevermind to be able to let go. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her, Has she said so? Are you sure she wants you to or is it just a suggestion? My t’pist once suggested that I might be really really REALLY angry at my mom. He had a point, intellectually *grin*, but from a feeling pov all I can manage is to feel a bit sorry for her and totally annoyed that she decided to intentionally have kids when she really shouldn’t have. Now when my t’pist suggested I might be really REALLY REALLY REALLY angry at my dad. _That_ I could agree with. So, it doesn’t do any good to try to feel something you don’t feel. Maybe some day you will feel angry with your mom. Maybe not. It’s not really up to your counsellor to decide what you should feel.

thank you, that helps a lot – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the news, stories, other people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the same.  The feeling, all How does it not feel the same? Not as bad or not the same type of thing or what? The problem with stuff like this is it _was_ real and it _was_ bad. How real and how bad is up to you to decide, but the basic acceptance of it is kind of like saying that Canada doesn’t exist just cause you don’t want to accept it as real (sorry all you canadians, for whatever reason your country popped into my head as an example:). So, you might not want to accept something as real but it has an external reality that has nothing to do with what you would prefer and so you have to accept it as real. What you do with this acceptance is up to you.

it doesn’t feel like it can be as bad as those things, maybe because when i read those stories, or hear about them, i feel so sad for the person, and i don’t see them in any way to blame.  i’m not sure i’m explaining myself well, just that i don’t feel that anything that happened for me was that bad. that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just I want you to. It really does help.

*shy smile* be logical, and piece facts together, and understand things rationally, and it doesn’t FEEL rational.  So silent You would _love_ my t’pist! He was always trying to get me to STOP being ration and thinking *huge grin*

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of loneliness and sadness gets squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. frankii. Yeah, that is why just wallowing in it and getting it all out would be good if you could do it. Then it would be lessened and the more you did this the more it would get empty until one day you would notice that you no long have these feelings like this (or at least that is how it worked for me. Of course it’s not like it was easy or anything, but once I actually did it I was amazed that it worked:)

thank you, for the encouragement, it really helps, take care, frankii. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Rainbow Colors (Jill) —      The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing                    we are becoming white light.

Response:

hi Evian, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put one in just in case. mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s if i do that, everybody things it’s a bad thing. Do you know this or do you feel that they think this? i think everybody inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, Thinking something isn’t the same as it being so. Have you had this conversation with any of them? If not then it seems to be one you should have. and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive, spending more time doing other things. Dealing with emotions and issues is productive, more so than tidying a room that will just get messy again within a few days. It’s just not something you can look at to see the outcome, and so seems less real or productive than the other 3 dimensional things.

i hadn’t really thought about it that way, thank you, it makes some sense. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could get rid of it.  But I can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her, but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the news, stories, other people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the same. Perhaps the other people you read about feel the same.

yes, maybe. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –  The feeling, all that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just be logical, and piece facts together, and understand things rationally, and it doesn’t FEEL rational. Witholding emotions isn’t rational nor sensible, speaking from my own experience of my anger issues. I’m unable to express my anger therefore it’s stored neatly away in a corner, checked on occasionally to see whether it’s grown or not, but left alone. I’m angry and I have reasons to be angry, yet despite that I’m not able to be angry. For that I’d like to tear this body apart. Expression should come first, rationality later, or so in my nsho.  So silent tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of loneliness and sadness gets squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. Here’s to hoping that you may yet be able to sob.

thank you, very much, take care, frankii. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

Response:

yeah…unfortunately, we understand an awful lot about being a scared little girl… fortunately, we’ve learned a lot about helping that scared little girl to feel safe. it’s wonderful to feel safe… *smiles* jt

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hi jt, well said, frankii. i’m glad you can take the time (even if only occasionally) to do what feels necessary to you. our jen recognized finally that we-all *can’t* get better unless she decides it’s ok to seek comfort when it feels needed. ahh…i just got an "i don’t feel good." from inside. gonna go do some comforting myself. you’re doing well, frankii.  it takes a long time to drain the pool of pent-up tears, but each one cried is one less in the pool.  you’ll get there.  one tear at a time, if need be. thank you.  it seems only one tear at a time is all i can do, i hope you’re right about that helping.  it feels so much like if i could just let it all out and let go a little more it would feel

better, but i can’t do – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – that, at least not yet. and heck, the guys here suck our thumb sometimes.  it’s not for *them*, of course… (*looks innocent*)  *Clearly* it’s because one of the littles needs it.  *lips twitch* it’s nice they do that. we are what we are, and right now, we need to suck our thumb a lot, and hug our stuffies.  nothin wrong with that. taking care of a little one who needs comforting is a VERY worthwhile activity, even if the little one is you. *blush* you seem to understand so much from what i wrote. *fondness* thank you, take care, frankii. blue (jt)

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i’m not sure if this needs a spoiler or not so i’ll put one in just in case. mostly about sadness but a little vague mention of past things. frankii. w e l l o f l o n e l i n e s s wanting maybe to be allowed to be sad and depr*ssed without it being a bad thing.  I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, but it’s a little how i feel today.  I’m doing better, i go up and down a lot throughout the day; one minute i’m doing fine, the next i’m sad and cold, but i’m doing ok. I lay on the sofa for an hour or so with a blanket and just s*ck*d my thumb, and i feel embarrassed to say that, but i wasnt crying, i just needed to. Sometimes when i feel little i just want to feel i’m allowed to do that.  but i don’t.  sometimes i can’t allow myself, because it’s a little scary to feel that little, and even when i let myself when nobody else is around, i don’t feel like i’m allowed to.  if i do that, everybody things it’s a bad thing.  i think everybody inside, and my T are all fed up of me feeling sad and scared, and they seem so frustrated with me all the time and i wish it would just be ok for a little while to feel like that.  I can’t get past it because i feel so guilty for feeling like that, that i should be more productive, spending more time doing other things.  Today I just wished somebody were near to hold me in silence, and just let me be sad for a little while.  I wish there were someone near me who understood, and were just around sometimes. It’s almost like if someone were there and just held me and let me cry, properly, not the silent tears that drop sometimes, but to just sob and get it all out, i could get rid of it.  But I can’t do that.  It feels sometimes that my counsellor wants too much from me.  I know she wants me to blame my m*m, to be angry with her, but i don’t and i can’t and i don’t want to.  I don’t even want to accept it was real, because things like that just don’t happen, they’re the things you read in the news, stories, other people and they’re horrible when you hear the stories, and what happened doesn’t feel the same. The feeling, all that seems to matter to me, is to just be able to sob all the bad and sad feelings out.  But I don’t sob, and nobody wants me to, they want me to just be logical, and piece facts together, and understand things rationally, and it doesn’t FEEL rational.  So silent tears just drop occasionally,  and the well of loneliness and sadness gets squashed down, a little seeping out constantly, never seeming to make much of a difference. frankii.

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness

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