Lost love: what should I do?
Question:
I think that this belongs in both the shyness and loneliness groups. Since the twwells anonymizer doesn’t allow crossposting, though, I’ve had to post it separately and simultaneously to both. I’m not sure how I can reply to a cross-posted followup, but if anyone can suggest a way please do. Purpose: To decide what to do. Do I dare to see if a woman I once loved long ago is still available and interested in me? If not, what about future romantic relationships? What should I do? I’m writing this as much to get my own thoughts in order as anything else, but any sort of feedback, comments, or ideas would be great. Quick intro: I’m an American male in my early 30’s. I call myself Inverse, because a year ago I was date-raped by a woman. Before that, I was a virgin; had never even kissed a woman before, and hadn’t really been on a date. This was probably due to shyness and abuse issues from childhood. My shyness wasn’t blatant, and only functioned in regard to romance–but was (is) severe in that context. Several years ago, I fell in love with a woman I worked with. Well, I _think_ it was love; I dreamed about her frequently, and thought about her more and more often. Something about her really tugged at my heart, with an almost physical sensation. Both her looks and her personality captivated me, though I’d seen her casually for a year or two before I really noticed her. This could have been a crush of some kind, but it did last for several years. It got more intense over time. We talked, and became office friends of a sort; only went to lunch together a few times, but we shared gossip and would chat. At the time, she was married. Although I believe in faithfulness, I couldn’t stop myself from being in love with her, talking to her, etc.. I’d never have tried to make any sort of move or suggest anything, but I couldn’t keep away from her. In time, she seemed to physically glow in my eyes. It was almost unbelievable. Our relationship was strange. We’d be good friends, chatting privately at work, and then I’d say something–in hindsight nothing very terrible, maybe some sarcastic comment about the bosses or an office policy–and she’d blow up at me. Somehow our feelings would be mutually hurt, and we’d stop talking to each other. I’d walk by her and try not to look at her, my face set. She’d avoid me, or turn a stony face in my direction. Then after a while (a few weeks, usually), we’d make up. I’d approach her and say a few words or give her a tiny gift, or more often she’d come to me half in tears and apologize…she wasn’t very good at communicating, so we never really explored what had happened and was happening between us. In a few weeks or months, the cycle would start over. I remember she once said that something I’d done was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for her. I don’t remember what it was…I think she was depressed, and I got her a little present. Things went on like that for several years. Then she got divorced. I remember the moment that she told me about it quite well, since it was very much like being hit in the chest with a very large hammer. I tried to cheer her up, but was too shy and restrained to make any move. Time passed. She dated some guy I didn’t know for a few months, but they broke up. We continued our cycle of fighting, not talking, and making up. In one of our last non-talking stretches, she approached me and asked me to go to a concert with her. I said yes, of course–I couldn’t say no to her. Looking back, it seems that she must have been interested in me–doesn’t it? But why did we keep fighting and making up? I could never read flirting signals from any woman, but in hindsight I can’t help but wonder. I tried to tell her a few times how I felt about her, but was very awkward and never really got to the point. Although she seemed to be deliberately not taking the point, not helping me. On some level I just couldn’t believe that a woman as beautiful as her could be interested in someone like me. We had a lot of time to talk while going to the concert. It turned out that it was the the anniversary of an important event in her past. Before we got to the concert we had a small spat, but made up. At the concert I found myself freezing up inside, as I always do at social events. On the way home I talked, probably too much about myself and my lack of experience (yes, I’ve kicked myself over and over again, ever since). Somehow I couldn’t bring myself to make a move, and although I tried to tell her that I cared deeply for her (it seemed somehow unwise to say "love"–I thought I might scare her off), I didn’t get very far. I never saw a sign that I should make a move… Afterwards, I decided that I was simply torturing myself by being around her. For my own sake and hers, I would try to avoid her. I decided to leave my job a few months later. I didn’t tell her until the last minute. She said that she would call me, but all I could do was shake my head–I’m not sure why. I sent her a few holiday cards telling her that I missed her in the following year, but she never answered. I heard that she asked about me from a mutual friend, but I never heard from her myself. Over the two years since I’ve seen her, I’ve dreamed about her often–for a while, almost every night. I still dream about her every few weeks. Since I was date-raped, I’ve been rather disillusioned about women, and could never get involved with casual sex; I haven’t been dating. But I’ve been thinking about her more and more often recently. I can get her address and phone number. I can’t visit her at work for various reasons (not the least of which is that it would be inappropriate). I can’t ask the mutual friend about her (is she married? Seeing someone?); the friend knew that she and I were involved in a weird relationship, and thought that we were bad for each other (specifically, that she was bad for me). Should I write to her? Call her? What would I say? Be honest, or casual? Or should I forget the whole thing? My heart and hope for romance have been somewhat numb ever since I was date-raped, so I can certainly go on with my life without calling her. Nothing seems terribly urgent to me any more. But here I am, writing about her, missing her. That must mean something. Would it destroy me to contact her, only to find that she’s involved or married? I’d survive it, of course, but it would probably be incredibly painful. I’m comfortable now, after a long time of pain. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t know. I could send her an Xmas card, tell her how much I miss her, or just ask how she’s doing. But she never answered my other cards. I don’t want to feel that I’m harassing her. Is it just that she’s the sort who needs to be asked, and isn’t good at showing her feelings or taking initiative? I don’t know. Anyone? Inverse anon-18…@anon.twwells.com — For more information about this service, send e-mail to: h…@anon.twwells.com — for an automatically returned help message ad…@anon.twwells.com – for the service’s administrator ano…@anon.twwells.com — anonymous mail to the administrator
Response:
On 14 Dec 1997 19:04:16 -0500, anon-18…@anon.twwells.com (Inverse) wrote: >Purpose: To decide what to do. Do I dare to see if a woman I once loved >long ago is still available and interested in me? If not, what about >future romantic relationships? What should I do?
He’s my suggestion: Don’t contact her. I think I know how you’re feeling. I too was mad about someone a couple of years ago. She had a boyfriend at the time, and it hurt me to be around her knowing that she loved someone else. I decided that the best thing I could do was to get away from her and try to move on. I still think about her sometimes, and wish things had been different, but I would never try to contact her. I doubt she would be interested in me considering the message that it would send: That she moved on with her life without a problem while I was hung up on her even after years of not seing her. I doubt she would think it was romantic; it appears more sad than anything. [snip] >Several years ago, I fell in love with a woman I worked with. Well, I >_think_ it was love; I dreamed about her frequently, and thought about her >more and more often. Something about her really tugged at my heart, with >an almost physical sensation. Both her looks and her personality >captivated me, though I’d seen her casually for a year or two before I >really noticed her. >This could have been a crush of some kind, but it did last for several >years. It got more intense over time. We talked, and became office friends >of a sort; only went to lunch together a few times, but we shared gossip >and would chat.
You’re describing what I went through. I thought I was in love at the time; that I could never be happy with anyone but her. In hindsight, I realize that I was in love with a fantasy. I was in love with the idea of being in love, and she just happened to be there to be in love with. [snip] >Looking back, it seems that she must have been interested in me–doesn’t >it?
Why? What you describe seems like a friendship to me. What did she do or say that makes you think she might have been interested in you as more than a friend? [snip] >I sent her a few holiday cards telling her that I missed her in the >following year, but she never answered. I heard that she asked about me >from a mutual friend, but I never heard from her myself. [snip] >Should I write to her? Call her? What would I say? Be honest, or casual? >Or should I forget the whole thing?
Don’t. She never responded to your attempts to maintain contact. Take the hint. Continuing to persue it seems like desperation, which I doubt she’d find very attractive. >My heart and hope for romance have >been somewhat numb ever since I was date-raped, so I can certainly go on >with my life without calling her. Nothing seems terribly urgent to me any >more.
Look for love with someone else. >But here I am, writing about her, missing her. That must mean something.
It means you have not been able to move on. You need to work on that rather than on contacting her. [snip] >I don’t know. I could send her an Xmas card, tell her how much I miss her, >or just ask how she’s doing. But she never answered my other cards. I >don’t want to feel that I’m harassing her. Is it just that she’s the sort >who needs to be asked, and isn’t good at showing her feelings or taking >initiative? I don’t know.
See the note above about desperation. She was asked several times already, and she didn’t answer. I hope you don’t think I’m trying to undermine your attempt at possible finding love. I’m just trying to make sure you to evaluate the situation realistically.
Response:
>Our relationship was strange. We’d be good friends, chatting privately at >work, and then I’d say something–in hindsight nothing very terrible, >maybe some sarcastic comment about the bosses or an office policy–and >she’d blow up at me. Somehow our feelings would be mutually hurt, and we’d >stop talking to each other. I’d walk by her and try not to look at her, my >face set. She’d avoid me, or turn a stony face in my direction. >Then after a while (a few weeks, usually), we’d make up. I’d approach her >and say a few words or give her a tiny gift, or more often she’d come to >me half in tears and apologize…she wasn’t very good at communicating, so >we never really explored what had happened and was happening between us. >In a few weeks or months, the cycle would start over.
This sounds exactly like a friendship I’m involved in right now. We consider it something of a barrier breakdown. She’s very sensitive to what she percieves as patronizing, and finds herself going off on things I mean as totally innocent. More than once it’s been related to something that struck a little too close to home on one of her fears or insecurities. I’ve been through it with at least one other person, too. Then, it was mainly my insecurity that would set things off. With the other person, we finally called it off. It was too painful for both of us. With my current friend, we’ve decided to work our way through it. It’s not easy, but we’ve promised to keep the lines of communication open (one of my defenses is to shut down and shut her out). And to try not to be deliberately hurtful (her defense). I don’t know what you should do, to look her up or not. I do know that this type of relationship is trying and can be very painful. So far, I think it’s been worth it. For both of us, we’re used to having people leave. She because she pushes them away, me because I hide. Just another view. Hope it helps Jan Ok – who put a ’stop payment’ on my reality check?
Response:
Filed under: Loneliness
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