My wife doesn't love me anymore…

Question:

I’ll look into that. Right now I’m seeing a counsellor and a lot of our time is being spent on this, obviously. I’m trying to see where I went wrong. I figure that, if I can see that, than I can maybe make this marriage work. And, if I can’t…well, I don’t plan on staying single for the next 50 years. Before I could think about even dating, though, I’d really need to know what I did wrong this time around. Basically, I’m starting to look beyond my marriage; I mean, I can’t spend all my energy on this. If I do, and it ends, I’m left with nothing. Marriage, and the end thereof, I’m learning, is not the end all and be all of life. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I really want to reconcile with her – I love her very much and I know that the potential is here for a great marriage – but I just don’t know if I can keep taking this emotional roller coaster… John, Please consider reading the book by John Gottman, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" – it is a great guide for figuring out what it takes to make a marrige go right, and how it is that your’s has gone wrong. Trying to repair something when you don’t fully understand how it broke is a scary thing, grappling in the dark. And not likely to succeed. If you had a firm idea of how things went wrong and how you could both work to repair them, she might be more interested in listening to you about reconciliation. Janie

Response:

The person who bails out is the one who has to move out. Regardless of money, family, whatever. She should have had the decency to leave. Karen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I moved out because I have family in the city – she did not. She wouldn’t have had a place to move to. I still love her – I wasn’t going to let her live on the streets. If she doesn’t want to live with me this is the best arrangement: we both have a roof over our heads. As for the other guy, he does not exist. There were real problems in our marriage: in hindsight I can see that clearly. The problems were mostly created by me. This isn’t about an affair: this is about two people who got overwhelmed in their marriage and one of them got to the point where she decided to bail out.

Response:

She forgot about plans with her husband, then seemed kind of annoyed when she found out the date?? John, I don’t want to be a wet blanket but it’s starting to sound like there is someone else. I’m sorry that your own family is not supportive of you… that’s reprehensible. You will soon have a lot of friends here, anyway. Hang in there, Karen

Response:

John, I hear where you’re coming from. My wife announced to me–in a counselors office–that she wanted a divorce. I was dumbfounded. I kept thinking that things would work out, that we were going thru a phase. Now I know otherwise. I hope you get thru this difficult time. It is not easy. In my marriage, I am at fault, just as much as she is–even more if you dig deep. Anyway, I’m at the same stage you are, in the process of moving out. I have two kids, and I don’t know what is going to happen to them. I could move in to my parents, but I really don’t want to do that. A friend have offered me a place to stay ’till I get back on my feet. Sincerely, Gregg

Dear Gregg, John and every other guy here, one peice of advice you best consider… Moving out can put you into a serious jam if there is child custody issues. Please get good LEGAL advice before you do this.

Response:

My wife has told me too that she no longer loves me the same way that she once did. It is now been 53 days since I moved out. Why did I move out, because I wanted our two children to be near their friends, school, and sleep in their familiar beds–unless it is the weekend, then they are with me. I believe(ed) my problem is me too. A very similar situation happened to me this weekend. You are doing the right thing by getting your thoughts straight by talking to a professional. Time helps, but it is painful to experience the pain of loneliness……refer to the postings under "Overwhelmed by loneliness"10-19-01….it is common, to have these feelings. There is one thing that I have learned (maybe more). I can’t make my wife love me. She has put me in a "box" in her mind. I can’t get myself out of it. I wish you the best of luck. May God be with you. If it is meant that you two are to get back together, time will tell. Listen to yourself inside. You most likely know what will happen. IF you wish try this (I found it on the internet, I don’t remember the source.) I cannot even name all the things I have done to hurt you. There are probably too many for me to even remember. But I am sorry. I am so sorry, and I need you to forgive me. I mean only to love you. Help me know how to love you.

Perhaps this may begin to mend what is broken. Perhaps not…..

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I guess right now I’m just kind of bummed out because we had, last week, gone for lunch and had a great talk. I thought that we were on the mend. Then, on Friday, we went for dinner. We’d made the plans a few weeks ago but she had forgotten about them. On Thursday she asked when we had made those plans for; she seemed kind of annoyed that they were the next evening. I offered to take a raincheque but she still went. I don’t think she really wanted to, though. At dinner, I could feel that she felt awkward. Since then, the emails coming from her have all but dried up. I guess I feel like I got my hopes up again and they’ve been dashed on the rocks one more time. I think that’s what I just cannot keep taking. She acts like everything is okay when it is not. She does it because she doesn’t want to hurt me but, really, in the end it hurts me more than it would if she were to be honest with me. It’s like when she told me she didn’t love me anymore: I thought things were getting better but she said that they were not. It’s getting to be too much: everytime I go up and then come back down I feel worse than I did the last time. I really want to reconcile with her – I love her very much and I know that the potential is here for a great marriage – but I just don’t know if I can keep taking this emotional roller coaster…especially when I’ve got no support from my family or friends. I guess, though, the slowdown in emails could be simply about the fact that she’s got three exams this week. Thanks again for listening. It means a lot to have a place where I can say these things. Up until now I haven’t really had a safe place…it is wonderful to have one.

Response:

I didn’t really want to move in with my parents but, well, it was really the only option. Yeah…if you want to pray for me that’s cool. I’ll pray for you, too. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – John, I hear where you’re coming from. My wife announced to me–in a counselors office–that she wanted a divorce. I was dumbfounded. I kept thinking that things would work out, that we were going thru a phase. Now I know otherwise. I hope you get thru this difficult time. It is not easy. In my marriage, I am at fault, just as much as she is–even more if you dig deep. Anyway, I’m at the same stage you are, in the process of moving out. I have two kids, and I don’t know what is going to happen to them. I could move in to my parents, but I really don’t want to do that. A friend have offered me a place to stay ’till I get back on my feet. Sincerely, Gregg p.s. I would like to pray for you. Okay? ghp Three weeks ago my wife told me she doesn’t love me anymore. We’d been having some problems but I thought we were working at them and that things were getting better. She didn’t; she thought they were getting worse. So, one day, she dropped this bombshell on me. Now I’ve moved in with my parents and trying to figure out what to do next. We’re trying to work things out and the goal is for me to move back in. I just don’t know if I trust her anymore. I mean, she didn’t tell me how she was feeling until it was at a crisis point. I just needed to tell my story to people who have been where I’m at. My friends don’t understand; none of them have been here before. All I’ve gotten from most of them is lectures about why divorce is morally wrong. I agree with them; if you can avoid it I believe one should. It doesn’t change where I’m at, though. It doesn’t change the fact that my wife doesn’t love me. I don’t think that anyone who hasn’t been told that by their spouse can understand. It was the most devastating moment of my life. Anyways, I apologize for rambling…I’ve just got so many thoughts going through my head and nowhere else for them to go.

Response:

Sometimes decency has to take the backseat to pragmatism. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The person who bails out is the one who has to move out. Regardless of money, family, whatever. She should have had the decency to leave. Karen I moved out because I have family in the city – she did not. She wouldn’t have had a place to move to. I still love her – I wasn’t going to let her live on the streets. If she doesn’t want to live with me this is the best arrangement: we both have a roof over our heads. As for the other guy, he does not exist. There were real problems in our marriage: in hindsight I can see that clearly. The problems were mostly created by me. This isn’t about an affair: this is about two people who got overwhelmed in their marriage and one of them got to the point where she decided to bail out.

Response:

I’m sorry to hear of your anguish, John. The worst thing is the shock and disbelief. My guy told me the same 2 days after planning a marriage and a move. Here it is a few months later and I still can’t believe that the man I thought adored me so much could turn so callous and unfeeling. I saw a therapist and it helped a little but honestly, friends helped more. I guess we have to just talk about it until we’re tired of figuring out why. I don’t believe we will ever know what goes on in our partner’s heads. I try to say that I have no control over his brain cells that decided not to love me anyore, and try not to take it personally but it doesn’t work…not easy to be clinical about this stuff. Rejection is awful. I am new here and the people have great advice. You can’t rush grief, it has to go through its course, so don’t expect to feel too good for the first couple of months. I have isolated myself far too much, so I’d say don’t do that. I hope you have a close friend to vent to; forunately I have a wonderful brother who calls every day from out of state on his cell phone. It really helps even though I feel like a broken record. You take care of yourself and try to eat…I didn’t, lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks, weakened myself and that didn’t help the matter.

Response:

"Wake up! It’s time to go to school!" "Aw, do I have to, Mom?" "Yes. Get up!" "But I don’t want to." "Why not?" "All the kids hate and all the teachers hate me!" "Too bad. Get up!" "But why do I have to, Mom?" "Because you’re fifty years old and you’re the principal!" — Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~ Carl Bard ~

m… I’ve gotten into counselling at my school. It’s fantastic; the counselling is paid for by our tuitions so I

don’t have to pay a dime and I get an experienced psychologist. I’m also

trying to spend more time working at the school…I love what I study

so much that, for me, it is recreation. Right now school is what gets

me out of bed in the morning; everyday I get up and say "Hey, today I get to go learn about…" Anyways, yeah, I’m trying to take

care of myself. It’s tough; life doesn’t seem to have as much meaning

as it did a week ago.

com… I’m sorry. Please take good care of yourself,

and keep posting here.

Response:

I moved out because I have family in the city – she did not. She wouldn’t have had a place to move to. I still love her – I wasn’t going to let her live on the streets. If she doesn’t want to live with me this is the best arrangement: we both have a roof over our heads. As for the other guy, he does not exist. There were real problems in our marriage: in hindsight I can see that clearly. The problems were mostly created by me. This isn’t about an affair: this is about two people who got overwhelmed in their marriage and one of them got to the point where she decided to bail out. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Why did *you* move out? And do you know who the other guy is?

Response:

I guess right now I’m just kind of bummed out because we had, last week, gone for lunch and had a great talk. I thought that we were on the mend. Then, on Friday, we went for dinner. We’d made the plans a few weeks ago but she had forgotten about them. On Thursday she asked when we had made those plans for; she seemed kind of annoyed that they were the next evening. I offered to take a raincheque but she still went. I don’t think she really wanted to, though. At dinner, I could feel that she felt awkward. Since then, the emails coming from her have all but dried up. I guess I feel like I got my hopes up again and they’ve been dashed on the rocks one more time. I think that’s what I just cannot keep taking. She acts like everything is okay when it is not. She does it because she doesn’t want to hurt me but, really, in the end it hurts me more than it would if she were to be honest with me. It’s like when she told me she didn’t love me anymore: I thought things were getting better but she said that they were not. It’s getting to be too much: everytime I go up and then come back down I feel worse than I did the last time. I really want to reconcile with her – I love her very much and I know that the potential is here for a great marriage – but I just don’t know if I can keep taking this emotional roller coaster…especially when I’ve got no support from my family or friends. I guess, though, the slowdown in emails could be simply about the fact that she’s got three exams this week. Thanks again for listening. It means a lot to have a place where I can say these things. Up until now I haven’t really had a safe place…it is wonderful to have one.

Response:

Three weeks ago my wife told me she doesn’t love me anymore. We’d been having some problems but I thought we were working at them and that things were getting better. She didn’t; she thought they were getting worse. So, one day, she dropped this bombshell on me. Now I’ve moved in with my parents and trying to figure out what to do next. We’re trying to work things out and the goal is for me to move back in. I just don’t know if I trust her anymore. I mean, she didn’t tell me how she was feeling until it was at a crisis point. I just needed to tell my story to people who have been where I’m at. My friends don’t understand; none of them have been here before. All I’ve gotten from most of them is lectures about why divorce is morally wrong. I agree with them; if you can avoid it I believe one should. It doesn’t change where I’m at, though. It doesn’t change the fact that my wife doesn’t love me. I don’t think that anyone who hasn’t been told that by their spouse can understand. It was the most devastating moment of my life. Anyways, I apologize for rambling…I’ve just got so many thoughts going through my head and nowhere else for them to go.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Three weeks ago my wife told me she doesn’t love me anymore. We’d been having some problems but I thought we were working at them and that things were getting better. She didn’t; she thought they were getting worse. So, one day, she dropped this bombshell on me. Now I’ve moved in with my parents and trying to figure out what to do next. We’re trying to work things out and the goal is for me to move back in. I just don’t know if I trust her anymore. I mean, she didn’t tell me how she was feeling until it was at a crisis point. I just needed to tell my story to people who have been where I’m at. My friends don’t understand; none of them have been here before. All I’ve gotten from most of them is lectures about why divorce is morally wrong. I agree with them; if you can avoid it I believe one should. It doesn’t change where I’m at, though. It doesn’t change the fact that my wife doesn’t love me. I don’t think that anyone who hasn’t been told that by their spouse can understand. It was the most devastating moment of my life. Anyways, I apologize for rambling…I’ve just got so many thoughts going through my head and nowhere else for them to go.

Hi John. You’re in a great place visiting ASD. SO many of us know how you feel. These things unfold sometimes just like you’re saying and it really hurts. I hope that things will work out for you. Whatever happens it will be for the best…one path may be painful and last a long while, but you will come through it stronger and wiser. You have some work ahead of you so make sure to remember to get rest and treat yourself right. I always was down when I didn’t sleep. Sleep is a Good Thing(tm)! Obvious and simple, but true and often overlooked. Try to keep your wits about ya too! Best of luck and keep us updated, Rob — "When I am king, you will be first against the wall, with your opinions which are of no consequence at all." Radiohead/Paranoid Android

Response:

didn’t tell me how she was feeling until it was at a crisis point.

This must have been a terrible shock for you. Seems it happens this way so often, and I’m not sure why. Of course we can "should have" until the cows come home, but she SHOULD HAVE let you know there were problems way before this, so that you both would have had a chance to work on this together. I’m sorry. Please take good care of yourself, and keep posting here.

Response:

Hi m8 I’m not married but been with my partner for 12 years, 2 children. We have had problems off and on since we met. We have Split up many times but eventually got back together and tried to work things out. 5 years ago, during a period that we had separated, I decided to buy a house for security because I didn’t know where I was going to go next in the relationship. When I moved into the house my partner and our son moved in with me. Since then I though we were ok and we have had a beautiful daughter together. This weekend after recent problems, she told me that she still loves me, but not in the same way and wants to move out. I could see it coming and we were working at it and recently had two good holidays. They were the worst words she ever spoke to me. It is going to be hard for me to come to terms with but I know I have got to accept it. What kills me the most is not going to have my daughter living with me and my son. She lights up any room no matter what and I know she is not going to be there to greet her dad when I get home one day. I have been here before but never this bad, but I know I have to stay strong for my children. You’ll be ok m8 just try and keep busy

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Three weeks ago my wife told me she doesn’t love me anymore. We’d been having some problems but I thought we were working at them and that things were getting better. She didn’t; she thought they were getting worse. So, one day, she dropped this bombshell on me. Now I’ve moved in with my parents and trying to figure out what to do next. We’re trying to work things out and the goal is for me to move back in. I just don’t know if I trust her anymore. I mean, she didn’t tell me how she was feeling until it was at a crisis point. I just needed to tell my story to people who have been where I’m at. My friends don’t understand; none of them have been here before. All I’ve gotten from most of them is lectures about why divorce is morally wrong. I agree with them; if you can avoid it I believe one should. It doesn’t change where I’m at, though. It doesn’t change the fact that my wife doesn’t love me. I don’t think that anyone who hasn’t been told that by their spouse can understand. It was the most devastating moment of my life. Anyways, I apologize for rambling…I’ve just got so many thoughts going through my head and nowhere else for them to go.

Response:

I feel for you John. Have a cyber hug… My advice- get help, either marriage therapy, or if your wife won’t go, go yourself.

Response:

Why did *you* move out? And do you know who the other guy is?

Response:

I appreciate all your kind words…all of you. I means so much to know that there are people who understand. One thing I haven’t gotten in all of this is unconditional support (well, I got it from one friend, the best man at our wedding, but he lives in another country and it’s just him; besides, he’s never been here…he can only relate so much). I’m sure you can all relate: people think they’re trying to help but say some really stupid things that just make you feel worst then you were before. So, thanks again.

Response:

I’ve gotten into counselling at my school. It’s fantastic; the counselling is paid for by our tuitions so I don’t have to pay a dime and I get an experienced psychologist. I’m also trying to spend more time working at the school…I love what I study so much that, for me, it is recreation. Right now school is what gets me out of bed in the morning; everyday I get up and say "Hey, today I get to go learn about…" Anyways, yeah, I’m trying to take care of myself. It’s tough; life doesn’t seem to have as much meaning as it did a week ago. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m sorry. Please take good care of yourself, and keep posting here.

Response:

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Lonely Loneliness

You are not alone — Lonely Loneliness