Lonely Loneliness

No. [sp. swearing, intense]

Question:

Seems like even the kind of loneliness you talk about is preferable to that. I don’t understand how people can live in a loveless relationship. It would tear me to pieces every moment of every day, even worse than being alone does. I just don’t even begin to understand how people do it. And yet so unbelievably many do. And most of them don’t even seem to reflect that there’s anything wrong or that things might be different. Or might they. Good luck and be kind to your rage, there’s survival in it and perhaps mileage for more. ***

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – It isn’t going to fucking be all right.  It’s going to be me, only me, damaged and weaker than I care to admit or show, cast out once again to live knowing there is no one else there, anywhere. Things have changed drastically at home.  Now he says he wants me back.  Is he fucking _kidding_?  Can you believe it?  What hubris.  I love that word, hubris.  Beyond arrogance, the ultimate level of obnoxious, self-centered cruelty. He says he wants his "partner" but what he wants is his _illusion_. Dinner on the table.  Clean house.  Laundry neatly folded and put away.  Someone to whine to about every last little physical symptom that he immediately believes will lead to death.  A warm body nearby while he withdraws endlessly into ceaseless hours on the computer or whatever is the most interesting and "fun" game of the moment. Convenient sex with the least expenditure of funds, pretenses of "caring" or risky emotional attachment.  Another income.  There better be another income!  "Get off your fat lazy ass and WORK WORK WORK WORK…" He has not said _one motherfucking word_ about wanting _me_.  Only that he "cannot tolerate" my illness.  Admitting he has no clue why the unfulfilled longing for a family/loving circle of people has just about killed me.  Does he see the knife through my heart?  Oh you bet he does.  Admits to the horror of placing it there.  And remains silent. I told him I will be leaving anyway.  Damned if I know _how_.   I can barely stay out of bed, barely _move_, much less hit the streets  to earn what seems like an impossible amount of money to buy my freedom. Knowing now instead of assistance, he will likely try to block me at every turn. Yeah.  Freedom.  An isolated cave devoid of any life whatsoever. Memories of endless isolation, failure and rejection.  Reach out?  Are you kidding?  I’ve learned my lesson about "reaching out" and expecting anyone to actually _care_.  Repeatedly. I have no freaking idea why I am even alive today.  If I had any guts I wouldn’t be. — chimera:  learned a lot, a lot to learn what i got you gotta get it, put it in you icq #101774213

Response:

I told him I will be leaving anyway.

Good.  You don’t deserve being treated this way.   Damned if I know _how_.   I can barely stay out of bed, barely _move_, much less hit the streets  to earn what seems like an impossible amount of money to buy my freedom.

Wishing I had some spare strength to give. Knowing now instead of assistance, he will likely try to block me at every turn.

ABUSE!  Emotional I think often is far worse than the physical.   Reach out?  Are you kidding?  I’ve learned my lesson about "reaching out" and expecting anyone to actually _care_.  Repeatedly.

I think it’s a balance.  You try to reach out and always hope, but in the mean time try to do everything you can to survive in the meantime, know ultimately no one can really save us, only ourselves.  It’s a scarey reality at least for me.   I have no freaking idea why I am even alive today.  If I had any guts I wouldn’t be.

I’m glad you’ve had to guts to survive all you’ve been through.   Thinking of you, Cindy

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness

Related Posts

• Feeling feelings
• Noisy Neighbors
• Help.....I feel like I am in limbo
• A hard time
• Alone in the Crowd
• Thank you
• When will I forgive my own sins?
• What If
• boredom vs. loneliness
• - Learn how to SPEED UP your INTERNET connection by 70-100% for FREE!