Nobody knows the troubles I've seen (moan ;-)

Question:

>>I come in here and I read about others lives and I get competitive and I feel

claustrophobic, the hopeless closes in it. But it doesn’t really matter. No matter how much I may want to compete, in the end I do *ok* alone – *always* have. Friends might be helpful.<< I always thought this but now I think the having lack of friends. I think I did this unconsiously to protect myself. And because I knew that the friendships would be unhealthy (one really shouldn’t know and understand this kind of stuff when you were 9 (or before) and yes, I caught on to what would be healthy and unhealthy for me at that age)).. Growing up-I didn’t have very many friends..I could count the true ones on one hand. Well, after my best friend moved away in middle school…I pretty much stopped looking for friends. Because unconsiously I knew I would react in a unhealthy manner. Well, I did bring my walls back down to give it a try again and of course, if you haven’t been able to deal with your inner child and the past…than it’s just going to end up as an unhealthy relationship…which is what happened not to long ago. I think, on both sides of the friendships and not just my unheathly doings, reactions but hers as well) Things happen though…you live, you learn, you (or I do at least) forgive. What happens in the future happens…I still care for this friend as a friend. I can’t say if we will ever be talking trusting friends again (I doubt she’d ever want to, etc…which is fine because though I still care about her as a friend, I have moved on in life…you know?) I know what I said and did wasn’t healthy…thus is why I’m not ANGRY with the friendship ending in a sense of it ending (hurt yes because of the reason she gave but…). It really wasn’t healthy for either of us. If you know something wasn’t healthy…why be angry and hold a grudge for it? Live, learn, take the good out of it, learn from the bad… Paula

Response:

>>I often think that few know what it’s really like – to not have any real

friends. It’s hard to build a social life from absolute zero when you have this misfortune of being a stupid working adult (and shy of course). What can I say? It ain’t easy. It sucks. Try it sometime – you won’t like it. << why do you call yourself a stupid working adult?

Response:

1womanscyberpers…@my-deja.com wrote:

: I often think that few know what it’s really like – to not have any : real friends. It’s hard to build a social life from absolute zero when : you have this misfortune of being a stupid working adult (and shy of : course). What can I say? It ain’t easy. True, because of the ‘real world’ nature of your working situation, making friends is more difficult, than say, if you were still in college. On the other hand, you probably have more free time at work in the evenings and on the weekend, so this would be an incentive to make friends through various organizations, interest groups, etc. The way I look at it is, the real world is where you get to apply all that you learned from university or college. In my case, since I really like joining clubs, keeping busy, meeting with other thinking and action-oriented people – there are an abundance of said ways to get involved ‘out there’, and I’ve already dabbled in a few, so it’s not too much of a thing to worry about (the boredom factor) when I graduate. : I come in here and I read about others lives and I get competitive and : I feel claustrophobic, the hopeless closes in it. But it doesn’t : really matter. No matter how much I may want to compete, in the end I : do *ok* alone – *always* have. Friends might be helpful. They are helpful! However, I can understand the frustration, loneliness, hopelessness, etc. with shyness, because hey I’ve been there! And make no mistake about it, the journey isn’t over by a long shot, however there are many fun places along the way, and it’s worth it to stop the relentless pursuit and smell the roses Steve : Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ : Before you buy.

Response:

> I work in Cubeville, and the >people in the cubes around mine telecommute so I end up working alone most

days. :::jealous::: That situation kicks ass. I want your job! (What is it that you do again? I’ll go get a college cataloge, lol.) – k i t z – off through the new day’s mist I run off from the new day’s mist I have come I hunt therefore I am… http://home.talkcity.com/OceanBlvd/kitznegari/enter.html

Response:

kitz.the.ghostslug.killa wrote in message

<20001022090236.03747.00000…@ng-fd1.aol.com>… >:::jealous::: >That situation kicks ass. I want your job! >(What is it that you do again? I’ll go get a college cataloge, lol.)

Well, some days it’s okay, but other times I wish there was someone to talk to. I’m a software engineer. You should go get a college catalog – we need more women in this field!

Response:

In article <8st9hp$u9…@nnrp1.deja.com>, 1womanscyberpers…@my-deja.com wrote: > I often think that few know what it’s really like – to not have any > real friends. It’s hard to build a social life from absolute zero when > you have this misfortune of being a stupid working adult (and shy of > course). What can I say? It ain’t easy. It sucks. Try it sometime – > you won’t like it.

I don’t like it. > I come in here and I read about others lives and I get competitive and > I feel claustrophobic, the hopeless closes in it. But it doesn’t > really matter. No matter how much I may want to compete, in the end I > do *ok* alone – *always* have. Friends might be helpful.

Hi, 1woman I perked up at the ‘compete’ and ‘helpful’ remarks. I hope this doesn’t sound accusational, but I wonder how badly you want friends and for what ends. Obviously, you want some sort of companionship (otherwise, shyness probably wouldn’t bother you), but ‘compete’ indicates to me that you’re feeling bad about your social life largely because of how others view people who don’t have friends (i.e., as rather pathetic). Maybe I’m off-base, and you’re merely trying to rationalize away your unhappiness in the second paragraph. I don’t know. I do know that I can relate to all these feelings, yet I still can’t say how much I truly want friends. I’m sure my mixed feelings are interfering, though. — Joe Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

crystall…@my-deja.com wrote: > kitz.the.ghostslug.killa wrote in message > <20001022090236.03747.00000…@ng-fd1.aol.com>… > >:::jealous::: > >That situation kicks ass. I want your job! > >(What is it that you do again? I’ll go get a college cataloge, lol.) > Well, some days it’s okay, but other times I wish there was someone to talk > to. I’m a software engineer. You should go get a college catalog –

. . >we need > more women in this field!

hah, that sounds like a man’s opinion! :> —–= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =—– http://www.newsfeeds.com – The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! —–== Over 80,000 Newsgroups – 16 Different Servers! =—–

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -PAdams4232 wrote: > >>I come in here and I read about others lives and I get competitive and I feel > claustrophobic, the hopeless closes in it. But it doesn’t really matter. No > matter how much I may want to compete, in the end I > do *ok* alone – *always* have. Friends might be helpful.<< > I always thought this but now I think the having lack of friends. I think I did > this unconsiously to protect myself. And because I knew that the friendships > would be unhealthy (one really shouldn’t know and understand this kind of stuff > when you were 9 (or before) and yes, I caught on to what would be healthy and > unhealthy for me at that age)).. > Growing up-I didn’t have very many friends..I could count the true ones on one > hand. Well, after my best friend moved away in middle school…I pretty much > stopped looking for friends. Because unconsiously I knew I would react in a > unhealthy manner. > Well, I did bring my walls back down to give it a try again and of course, if > you haven’t been able to deal with your inner child and the past…than it’s > just going to end up as an unhealthy relationship…which is what happened not > to long ago. I think, on both sides of the friendships and not just my > unheathly doings, reactions but hers as well)

did *she* have an "excuse" for her unhealthy reactions? > Things happen though…you live, you learn, you (or I do at least) forgive. > What happens in the future happens…I still care for this friend as a friend. > I can’t say if we will ever be talking trusting friends again (I doubt she’d > ever want to, etc…which is fine because though I still care about her as a > friend, I have moved on in life…you know?) I know what I said and did wasn’t > healthy…thus is why I’m not ANGRY with the friendship ending in a sense of > it ending (hurt yes because of the reason she gave but…). It really wasn’t > healthy for either of us. If you know something wasn’t healthy…why be angry > and hold a grudge for it? Live, learn, take the good out of it, learn from the > bad…

learn to forgive? anything else learned or that’s it? —–= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =—– http://www.newsfeeds.com – The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! —–== Over 80,000 Newsgroups – 16 Different Servers! =—–

Response:

>>did *she* have an "excuse" for her unhealthy reactions?<<

no she neer replied to any of my questions. I say her unhealthy reactions as well because it was an unhealthy relationship…of course one side couldn’t have been unhealthy…because her side kept taking it and sticking it out, etc. >>learn to forgive? anything else learned or that’s it?<<

oh no, not at all…but forgiving…if you don’t forgive (among other things) yourself or others…it’s hard to movve on. Not that you NEED to forgive anyone to movve on though. What was to be learned? Is that I shouldn’t have started a relationship (of any kind) when I KNEW that I had issues to work on and I KNEW that they would pop up sometimes. Among other things that was learned. Everything good and everything bad that happens-you learn and grow.

Response:

> i’ve tried it longer than you have.. funny how i got used to it, it > hadn’t bothered me for a long long time.. but it bugs me now.. i thikn > because i figure i’ll never have a gf.. at least maybe i could have > friends.. but i think that would be hard.. i’d keep thinkig i’d rather > have a gf.. (a particular gf..)

I’m the opposite. I decided recently that I don’t even like males, so I now spend all my effort getting closer to females. kcc Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

PAdams4232 wrote: > >>did *she* have an "excuse" for her unhealthy reactions?<< > no she neer replied to any of my questions. I say her unhealthy reactions as > well because it was an unhealthy relationship…of course one side couldn’t > have been unhealthy…because her side kept taking it and sticking it out, etc.

mm. women never tell. :> > What was to be learned? Is that I shouldn’t have started a relationship (of any > kind) when I KNEW that I had issues to work on and I KNEW that they would pop > up sometimes.

mm, i have to disagree with this conventional wisdom. you would be in worse shape if you hadn’t had any friends..if you had been alone.. why torture yourself because your emotional state is not "perfect" for presenation (or whatever)? and if *she* was not pefect, i’m sure she’s now better off for having had you as friend. —–= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =—– http://www.newsfeeds.com – The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! —–== Over 80,000 Newsgroups – 16 Different Servers! =—–

Response:

lhomme2…@my-deja.com wrote:

.. > I perked up at the ‘compete’ and ‘helpful’ remarks. I hope this > doesn’t sound accusational, but I wonder how badly you want friends and > for what ends. Obviously, you want some sort of companionship > (otherwise, shyness probably wouldn’t bother you), but ‘compete’ > indicates to me that you’re feeling bad about your social life largely > because of how others view people who don’t have friends (i.e., as > rather pathetic). Maybe I’m off-base, and you’re merely trying to > rationalize away your unhappiness in the second paragraph. I don’t > know. I do know that I can relate to all these feelings, yet I still > can’t say how much I truly want friends. I’m sure my mixed feelings > are interfering, though.

how about not overdoing expectations? gte women for sex (for the time being) and get pals for hanging with.. nothing serious. —–= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =—– http://www.newsfeeds.com – The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! —–== Over 80,000 Newsgroups – 16 Different Servers! =—–

Response:

>>mm, i have to disagree with this conventional wisdom. you would be in

worse shape if you hadn’t had any friends..if you had been alone.. why torture yourself because your emotional state is not "perfect" for presenation (or whatever)?<< oh I know-I’m taking about the hurt and pain that it brings along…for all those involved!! But I know ending anything, isn’t always going to be peachy keen, eh? Just wished it could been more…kinder? >>and if *she* was not pefect, i’m sure she’s now better off for having had you

as friend.<< oh I know this and same goes for me…which I said take the good, learn from the bad. I don’t regret knowing her or having the friendship. And I doubt she does either…that being said she’s not going to be lashed out at either or smothered…ya know?

Response:

In article <E9sI5.11109$7N.630…@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net>, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text - <crystall…@my-deja.com> wrote: > Hi, > I think I’m in a similar situation to yours. I work in Cubeville, and the > people in the cubes around mine telecommute so I end up working alone most > days. I have made a few good friends since I’ve been out of college and > working, but no one I can really hang out with (most are married). Even if I > did meet someone like that, in my industry people move around so much that > it is very hard to form attachments. Nevertheless, I’m trying to make some > changes. My company sponsors an aerobics class three times a week, and I’ve > started going to that again. You might check into things like that – > work-sponsored activities. Then there is always church – some of them have > singles groups. This is something I’ve been thinking about checking into > myself.

"Singles Groups"? Is that like a religious dating agency?! — Dene Bebbington Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

In article <8tk18j$hn…@nnrp1.deja.com>, dene_be…@my-deja.com wrote: > "Singles Groups"? Is that like a religious dating agency?!

No, just a way for single people to get together and do things. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

Fortunately I don’t work in a Cubeville with most people working from home. Over the years I’ve made a few friends through work, but for one reason or another most of those friendships have fizzled out. The main problem I have is actually finding activities that I might be interested in, most of my interests are what could be described as "intellectual". Also, I’m inhibited to an extent in what I can do (and when) by a stomach problem that can mean I need to have quick access to a loo! I have thought about trying to find a reading group as that would combine my interest in reading with the occasional chance to get out. A church singles group sounds good if you aren’t an atheist (!) and if they have some good activities. That would probably be a better way of making new friends than through work. Wish my old Uni friends lived closer, that way I’d have people I feel comfortable with nearby. It’s hard for people who aren’t outgoing to meet people and make friends, but at least we’re probably more likely to be comfortable with our own company. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

I often think that few know what it’s really like – to not have any real friends. It’s hard to build a social life from absolute zero when you have this misfortune of being a stupid working adult (and shy of course). What can I say? It ain’t easy. It sucks. Try it sometime – you won’t like it. I come in here and I read about others lives and I get competitive and I feel claustrophobic, the hopeless closes in it. But it doesn’t really matter. No matter how much I may want to compete, in the end I do *ok* alone – *always* have. Friends might be helpful. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

I sympathize completely. I’m 35 and have had about 3 real friends my whole life, none since moving West (2 years ago). – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -1womanscyberpers…@my-deja.com wrote: > I often think that few know what it’s really like – to not have any > real friends. It’s hard to build a social life from absolute zero when > you have this misfortune of being a stupid working adult (and shy of > course). What can I say? It ain’t easy. It sucks. Try it sometime – > you won’t like it. > I come in here and I read about others lives and I get competitive and > I feel claustrophobic, the hopeless closes in it. But it doesn’t > really matter. No matter how much I may want to compete, in the end I > do *ok* alone – *always* have. Friends might be helpful. > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > Before you buy.

Response:

i’ve tried it longer than you have.. funny how i got used to it, it hadn’t bothered me for a long long time.. but it bugs me now.. i thikn because i figure i’ll never have a gf.. at least maybe i could have friends.. but i think that would be hard.. i’d keep thinkig i’d rather have a gf.. (a particular gf..) best to give that up asap.. > I come in here and I read about others lives and I get competitive and > I feel claustrophobic, the hopeless closes in it. But it doesn’t > really matter. No matter how much I may want to compete, >in the end I do *ok* alone – *always* have.

but often when you are low, you *do* wonder, right? >Friends might be helpful.

yeh.. —–= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =—– http://www.newsfeeds.com – The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! —–== Over 80,000 Newsgroups – 16 Different Servers! =—–

Response:

turbinado wrote: > I sympathize completely. I’m 35 and have had about 3 real friends my whole > life, none since moving West (2 years ago).

2 years isn’t so bad..unless you were used to having frineds.. i assume you made your old friends while in your childhood, so you don’t know how to make adult friends anew? —–= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =—– http://www.newsfeeds.com – The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! —–== Over 80,000 Newsgroups – 16 Different Servers! =—–

Response:

crystall…@my-deja.com wrote: > Hi, > I think I’m in a similar situation to yours. I work in Cubeville, and the > people in the cubes around mine telecommute so I end up working alone most > days. I have made a few good friends since I’ve been out of college and > working, but no one I can really hang out with (most are married). Even if I > did meet someone like that, in my industry people move around so much that > it is very hard to form attachments. Nevertheless, I’m trying to make some > changes. My company sponsors an aerobics class three times a week, and I’ve > started going to that again. You might check into things like that – > work-sponsored activities. Then there is always church – some of them have > singles groups. This is something I’ve been thinking about checking into > myself.

sunday evenings there is a church associated singles thing. i’ve known of it for years…i got as close as outside, but the place gave me the ginchies. i just can’t see those ppl having anything else but wretching reactions toward me… —–= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =—– http://www.newsfeeds.com – The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! —–== Over 80,000 Newsgroups – 16 Different Servers! =—–

Response:

Hi, I think I’m in a similar situation to yours. I work in Cubeville, and the people in the cubes around mine telecommute so I end up working alone most days. I have made a few good friends since I’ve been out of college and working, but no one I can really hang out with (most are married). Even if I did meet someone like that, in my industry people move around so much that it is very hard to form attachments. Nevertheless, I’m trying to make some changes. My company sponsors an aerobics class three times a week, and I’ve started going to that again. You might check into things like that – work-sponsored activities. Then there is always church – some of them have singles groups. This is something I’ve been thinking about checking into myself.

Response:

>I often think that few know what it’s really like – to not have any >real friends. It’s hard to build a social life from absolute zero

This is precisely why it feels so hopeless. You can go from absolute zero to being social in elementary school…and even to some extent in high school…….but out working, when everyone else already has a set social life…….I just don’t see it happening. "Friends" are hard to come by and girlfriends are even more rare.

Response:

1womanscyberpers…@my-deja.com wrote: > I often think that few know what it’s really like – to not have any > real friends. It’s hard to build a social life from absolute zero when > you have this misfortune of being a stupid working adult (and shy of > course). What can I say? It ain’t easy. It sucks. Try it sometime – > you won’t like it. > I come in here and I read about others lives and I get competitive and > I feel claustrophobic, the hopeless closes in it. But it doesn’t > really matter. No matter how much I may want to compete, in the end I > do *ok* alone – *always* have. Friends might be helpful.

All I can say is friends are definitely the difference for me between slogging along in life at points or hacking at the wrists! Well maybe not that dramatic but they do help at critical points. I’m a student and some weeks when my research is not working I feel so stressed but having lunch with my friends in the department always helps me feel better. We just talk about our little lives or really inane stupid things but it’s entertaining. It helps me from going insane sitting day after day in my lab by myself and seeing almost no one except for my research advisor. Brian

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