Lonely Loneliness

remember me? I need more advice…

Question:

Brief summary: He left me pregnant.  Has been with the other woman for the last 7 1/2 yrs. Had a terrible time in court for five years, resulting in him being jailed

What makes you think that he’s changed other than the fact that you’ve been "getting along" for a little while? From your post I am assuming he left you for another.  He’s now leaving the OTHER for you.  Is there a pattern here? What’s to keep him from leaving you AGAIn for another – when another BETTER comes along? Just my opinion

Response:

Why bring him back into the house if you are unsure?  Why not take it easy, date a little, get to know each other again, you’ve both obviously changed a great deal…..you might not like what you see in the new person he has become.  Let time take it’s course.  Good Luck. Daisy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Brief summary: He left me pregnant.  Has been with the other woman for the last 7 1/2 yrs. Had a terrible time in court for five years, resulting in him being jailed twice for non-payment of child support.  Finally, in April, we actually sat down and TALKED to eachother without any attorneys feeding our hostilities, and we started being civil again.  He professed he made a mistake in leaving me, and he was very unhappy at home with the girlfriend.  I professed I was acting really viscious in the past, and still thought about him.  He started visitation, and wanted visitation with me too… Had told him I didn’t want to be the "other woman" now, and that he had to make some decisions about where this was all going.  In talking to his daughter one day, she said her dad and his girlfriend were doing quite well together, so I thought he’d been lying to me about his home situation. Recently: I’d been on the road with my job for quite a while… five weeks, with only 4 days home total in that time.  Turns out that during our last conversation, the girlfriend, her daughter, and his daughter were listening in on the speakerphone inside the house.  (He had made some unkind comments about her while talking to me)  That started the ball rolling and he moved out to live with a friend in another town. The Present: He called today, as the last time we talked was three weeks ago.  I’m considering asking him to move in with us… to try to make a go of it again. Back in April he had hinted that he wanted us back together, and I have to admit that I still love the guy.  We’ve already seen the worst sides of eachother in the past 7+ yrs, so there won’t be any rude surprises.  We talk more now than we ever did when we were together, and in fact, he’s changed for the better. What are the ground rules that I should insist upon? Should I give him a chance? OMG… I must be INSANE… Or is it just "mental-pause"?

Response:

What are the ground rules that I should insist upon?

Nothing short of total honesty. Both ways!!! As adults, you should both be "big enough" to deal with it. Should I give him a chance?

You already have, haven’t you. You did talk to him about moving in? Bildo – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – OMG… I must be INSANE… Or is it just "mental-pause"?

Response:

I’m considering asking him to move in with us… to try to make a go of it again.

I wouldn’t be too hasty in asking him to move back in until you are VERY sure that it is the right thing to do.   Why don’t you think of it as starting over?  Give both of you the chance to get to know each other again.  Since there is a child involved be very careful of your decisions. I hope everything works out for you!! Take care, Beth

Response:

Should I give him a chance? You already have, haven’t you. You did talk to him about moving in?

I mentioned it to him…but we’re going to discuss it in earnest later this week when he comes for visitation.   He didn’t want to ask me outright if he could move in; wanted to see if I would offer it without his asking.  He didn’t want to impose upon me. And, I do have to admit that it would make things a lot easier at home.  I travel with my job quite a bit, and our son stays with my mom while I’m out of town. I think we’re both cautious about the whole thing. Neither one of us wants to repeat any mistakes. OMG… I must be INSANE… Or is it just "mental-pause"?

Response:

I wouldn’t be too hasty in asking him to move back in until you are VERY sure that it is the right thing to do.   Why don’t you think of it as starting over?  Give both of you the chance to get to know each other again.  Since there is a child involved be very careful of your decisions. I hope everything works out for you!! Take care, Beth

I would definately make sure that you were very sure it was ‘right’, especially with a child involved.  Try to see from their eyes, he’s here, he’s gone, he’s back, will he stay?  They need some sort of consistency in the midst of chaos. Dawn "Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else."

Response:

Brief summary: He left me pregnant.  Has been with the other woman for the last 7 1/2 yrs. Had a terrible time in court for five years, resulting in him being jailed twice for non-payment of child support.  Finally, in April, we actually sat down and TALKED to eachother without any attorneys feeding our hostilities, and we started being civil again.  He professed he made a mistake in leaving me, and he was very unhappy at home with the girlfriend.  I professed I was acting really viscious in the past, and still thought about him.  He started visitation, and wanted visitation with me too… Had told him I didn’t want to be the "other woman" now, and that he had to make some decisions about where this was all going.  In talking to his daughter one day, she said her dad and his girlfriend were doing quite well together, so I thought he’d been lying to me about his home situation. Recently: I’d been on the road with my job for quite a while… five weeks, with only 4 days home total in that time.  Turns out that during our last conversation, the girlfriend, her daughter, and his daughter were listening in on the speakerphone inside the house.  (He had made some unkind comments about her while talking to me)  That started the ball rolling and he moved out to live with a friend in another town. The Present: He called today, as the last time we talked was three weeks ago.  I’m considering asking him to move in with us… to try to make a go of it again. Back in April he had hinted that he wanted us back together, and I have to admit that I still love the guy.  We’ve already seen the worst sides of eachother in the past 7+ yrs, so there won’t be any rude surprises.  We talk more now than we ever did when we were together, and in fact, he’s changed for the better.   What are the ground rules that I should insist upon? Should I give him a chance? OMG… I must be INSANE… Or is it just "mental-pause"?

Response:

Hell, go for it!  If it fails, at least you tried.  Personally, I think every relationship deserves at least one more last chance.  Too often pride stands in the way.  If you can forgive and forget, who knows…..? — Gentleman Jim A Country Boy and Southern Gentleman God created me in His image and gave His son that my sins would be forgiven.   Please don’t think that you can create a better me than God did, or that you should be any less forgiving. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of divorce, I will feel no loneliness: for I am with me. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Brief summary: He left me pregnant.  Has been with the other woman for the last 7 1/2 yrs. Had a terrible time in court for five years, resulting in him being jailed twice for non-payment of child support.  Finally, in April, we actually sat down and TALKED to eachother without any attorneys feeding our hostilities, and we started being civil again.  He professed he made a mistake in leaving me, and he was very unhappy at home with the girlfriend.  I professed I was acting really viscious in the past, and still thought about him.  He started visitation, and wanted visitation with me too… Had told him I didn’t want to be the "other woman" now, and that he had to make some decisions about where this was all going.  In talking to his daughter one day, she said her dad and his girlfriend were doing quite well together, so I thought he’d been lying to me about his home situation. Recently: I’d been on the road with my job for quite a while… five weeks, with only 4 days home total in that time.  Turns out that during our last conversation, the girlfriend, her daughter, and his daughter were listening in on the speakerphone inside the house.  (He had made some unkind comments about her while talking to me)  That started the ball rolling and he moved out to live with a friend in another town. The Present: He called today, as the last time we talked was three weeks ago.  I’m considering asking him to move in with us… to try to make a go of it again. Back in April he had hinted that he wanted us back together, and I have to admit that I still love the guy.  We’ve already seen the worst sides of eachother in the past 7+ yrs, so there won’t be any rude surprises.  We talk more now than we ever did when we were together, and in fact, he’s changed for the better. What are the ground rules that I should insist upon? Should I give him a chance? OMG… I must be INSANE… Or is it just "mental-pause"?

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness

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