Lonely Loneliness

So damn lonely

Question:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -"repairmanjack" <repairmanj…@email.com> wrote in message <news:ahs1ja$geq$1@slb6.atl.mindspring.net>… > "Ben G." <n…@spam.com> wrote in message news:3d41656e$1_2@mk-nntp-2.news.uk.tiscali.com… > > I’m absolutely craving someone’s affection right now.  I NEED it, I’ve got > > nobody and nothing. > On thing I learned years ago is that needing something doesn’t just > make it happen. I had to do things that CAUSE what I need to > happen for me. And even when I did things, it was no guarentee > that things would happen right away. I was single until I was in my 40’s. > During all those years alone, I learned to enjoy life on my own. I found > values that I could enjoy by myself. Books, my house, music, cooking, > my career, antiqueing, the internet (when it finally came along), joining > groups that interested me, kept in good shape by going to the gym/ > playing sports and much more. Sure I wished I had someone to enjoy > life with, but I didn’t want just anyone … I wanted a healthy/happy > relationship. > I once read that before you say "I love you" to someone, you must > first learn to say the "I". To value yourself. To value your life as an > individual. Otherwise, you are a clinging, co-dependent victim that will > settle for anyone.

<snip> I love reading accounts from those who have been in similar situations to those of us single males in our 20s, and still managed to find happiness. I really enjoyed reading all your posts in this thread, repairmanjack.

Response:

EEEEEEEEEEEESSelent post carried here below! Thanks, repairkjackman. Amd if you see Scott before me, ask him if he is married and if not, if he wants to marry me? Chloe – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text - "repairmanjack" (repairmanj…@email.com) writes: > "Ben G." <n…@spam.com> wrote in message news:3d418ca6_2@mk-nntp-2.news.uk.tiscali.com… >> Thank you for your reply repairman.  I read it right through and to any >> "normal" person this would make complete sense.  Unfortunately I have many >> obstacles to get past before I can even get to the stage of positively >> changing my life.  In other words, I’m pretty fucked up in the head (to put >> it bluntly). > Many of us have been there. The good thing is that you have the ability to > change things around. But only you can make that choice and take that > action. There’s a really good post on alt.self-esteem called ‘The Start’ > by someone named Scott Bailey. In case you can’t get to that newsgroup, I’ll > copy it below. > I hope you choose to take action. I’ve seen many people turn their lives totally > around. I did. > The post: > ….it appears that you have largely given up on the world. I > know how you feel, there was a period where I pretty much did the same > thing. I won’t go into details, but suffice it to say that I was a > "victim" of some pretty serious "unfairness". I was defeated > financially and emotionally. And there was a period of time where my > mantra was basically "What’s the point? Why bother?". This went on for > about a year. During that period, I spent a lot of time WASTING time. > I watched T.V. instead of engaging in productive activities, I pretty > much wrote off a social life, spent almost no time with my friends > (after all, who wants to risk having to discuss one’s failures?) and > just in general vegged. > During that time, I truly saw no point in taking action. But then, > after a year of feeling hurt, betrayed, indifferent, broke (I had > moved back home with my mom, for crying out loud), I finally got "Sick > and tired of being sick and tired". It finally sunk in that there HAD > to be more to life than what I was living, there just had to be. But > more fundamentally, I realized that I had to take RESPONSIBILITY for > my lot in life. I went through a rigorous and often painful, but also > exhilarating process of introspection. I was fortunate in that a very > intelligent friend from childhood was sort of going through the same > thing, and we spent hours several nights a week candidly > deconstructing our entire lives. This went on for many months. I > examined why I had done certain things, how wrong I had been about > many issues, how my fears and insecurities had led to some really > crummy decisions. There were many evenings when I felt really bad and > guilty about my prior actions, maybe emotionally hurting a really > great girl due to my own insecurities and fears. But there were > moments of real joy, real "A Ha!!" moments when something that had > been clouded in a haze for a lifetime became clear, when the wool was > lifted from my eyes. And then the feeling was – "I understand! I won’t > be making that error again." > It was a long process of learning more about myself and also learning > more about the way the world works. But it keeps coming back to the > basics: taking responsibility. This didn’t change the fact that there > were certain people who had treated me unfairly. This didn’t change > the fact that in a sense I had legitimate grievances against others. > This didn’t suddenly morph them into great people. > But somehow, the grievances seemed less important. And then not really > relevant at all. I realized that, yes, there are crummy people in the > world. Plenty of them. But I also realized that it was MY > RESPONSIBILITY to choose wisely with whom I will associate, with whom > I will invest my time and energy. If I do choose poorly, and end up in > a bad situation (whether that be career or romance, whatever) it is my > responsibility to deal with the situation. If that means leaving the > situation, so be it. In any event, I can’t change the world – but I > can be responsible for my own actions. Rather than feeling powerless, > I felt freedom. I no longer had to change anybody, only live well > myself. There was not one person on the planet that I absolutely had > to deal with, except by my own choice. I wasn’t trapped, or doomed. > What a relief to finally realize, and I mean truly realize, that my > life was up to me. Scary at times, but a real relief. > In addition to seeing the importance of taking responsibility, and > realizing that most of my misfortune had come from failing to take > full and proper responsibility, I also began to see that the world > outside had a lot to offer. There was beauty, there were intelligent > people, and there were good people. At the risk of being cheesy, there > were birds and trees. There was important and meaningful work to be > done. There was value. A lot of shit as well, but also real value. > And so slowly, the bitterness and fear left. I didn’t become > pollyanish or anything, and I don’t view life as a walk through the > park. But I view life as WORTH IT. There are some pretty cool things > out there, things that make chocolate and video games pale in > comparison (though nothing wrong with either of those in moderation). > After quite a few months of rigorous introspection, I began to take > action. Small steps at first, but solid steps. Often I would find > myself backsliding, and not wanting to do anything at all. I didn’t > let this bother me too much, I knew that I would just try again > tomorrow. I’m not an alcoholic, but AA’s "One Day at a Time" is right > on the money. I guess I learned to recover like an alcoholic might. > So really, this should answer the question of where to start. You > start by finally realizing that your current life is a joke compared > to what you could be living. And you start by taking FULL > RESPONSIBIILITY for your life. Nobody else can do that for you – you > have to. > I can’t give you specifics, because only you know what your long term > goals and interests are. What you want out of life may differ > considerably from what I want. But both of our foundations would be > the same – taking full and complete responsibility for your life. > As a last point, you mention how you only got your current job by luck > as opposed to effort. Hey, there is nothing wrong with a little luck – > don’t disparage it. But I think you are really drawing the wrong > conclusion here, as if luck invalidates the necessity to work hard and > take responsibility – "Hey, it’s all luck anyhow -why bother?". > Nothing could be further from the truth. For the most part (and of > course there are exceptions), luck favors the prepared. For instance, > someone might say "I wasn’t even looking for a girlfriend, but by pure > luck I met Sally, a wonderful girl. I just got lucky." To which I say > – maybe…but probably not. The meeting might have been chance, the > fact that they were both single and available might have been chance, > but the fact that they hit it off was not. The guy had to be > attractive enough, he had to offer enough for the relationship to > actually HAPPEN. Chances are, Sally had run into countless derelicts > before meeting our hypothetical "lucky guy". Is a filthy bum on the > street attractive? Of course not. Our hero, on the other hand, had > spent a lifetime building himself into an attractive person – whether > in terms of looks, wit, intelligence, character, honor, whatever – > that made the connection possible. Luck? Mabye One percent. The rest > he EARNED. He made it happen. > This same idea applies to friendships, career, you name it. When I > look around, I don’t see the filthy bum on the street "lucking" into a > great career and and a beautiful wife. You need to prepare yourself > for these things. The luckiest people I know are the ones that have > their act the most together in the first place. You say that you > "lucked" into your job – but you had to be capable of actually DOING > the job. An illiterate savage from the jungle couldn’t do it > (presumably, if he could you really need another job), the fact that > you CAN do it is a testament to the work that you have done earlier in > life, the preparations that you have made. The RESPONSIBILITY that you > took in earlier years, even if that was just learning to read and > write. > But ultimately, you probably will not change until you get truly sick > and tired of where your life currently is. Your disgust with your > current situation will have to outweigh the fears and insecurities, > and the inevitable stumbles and falls, that will be a part of getting > out into the land of the living. Right now, if a girl were to ask you > what you have going on in life all you could say is "I like video > games and chocolate". Sorry, but that isn’t nearly enough – and you > know it. > As a parting suggestion, let’s say you are a geek (I’m not saying you > are one, just running with the video game thing). Well, if you are a > geek, at least be an active geek. Do geek things, meet other geeks. Go > to Star Trek conventions, whatever. There are some pretty interesting > geeks out there, and believe it or not, more than a few pretty little > geekettes. Point is, there are plenty of possibilities out there, and > you don’t have to fit into any one particular mold. But you do have to > DO SOMETHING.

–

Response:

"repairmanjack" <repairmanj…@email.com> wrote in message

news:ahs1ja$geq$1@slb6.atl.mindspring.net… > "Ben G." <n…@spam.com> wrote in message

news:3d41656e$1_2@mk-nntp-2.news.uk.tiscali.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > I’m absolutely craving someone’s affection right now.  I NEED it, I’ve got > > nobody and nothing. > On thing I learned years ago is that needing something doesn’t just > make it happen. I had to do things that CAUSE what I need to > happen for me. And even when I did things, it was no guarentee > that things would happen right away. I was single until I was in my 40’s. > During all those years alone, I learned to enjoy life on my own. I found > values that I could enjoy by myself. Books, my house, music, cooking, > my career, antiqueing, the internet (when it finally came along), joining > groups that interested me, kept in good shape by going to the gym/ > playing sports and much more. Sure I wished I had someone to enjoy > life with, but I didn’t want just anyone … I wanted a healthy/happy > relationship. > I once read that before you say "I love you" to someone, you must > first learn to say the "I". To value yourself. To value your life as an > individual. Otherwise, you are a clinging, co-dependent victim that will > settle for anyone. > So, I worked hard to make myself someone that I admired and to make > my life without someone one that I loved. I spent a lot of time figuring > out my moral values and the ‘optional’ values in life that I enjoyed (things like > I mentioned above). I studied philosophy, took night classes in things that > interested me and expanded my knowledge and always challenged myself > to reach new goals (both at work and in my ‘off time’). I also figured out what > type of person I wanted in my life as my partner. > I also dated. I put personal ads in newspapers, I joined groups to meet > people. I probably had about 30 – 50 dates a year. It took 20 years of dating > before I found the person I married. But I got out there and dated. The > personal ads are a great way to meet people – especially since you can > tell people in the ad what your values are. I would take several months > off when it started seeming hopeless, but eventually I would be ready to > start again. I had many horrible dates, but I learned to laugh them off and be > polite in all curcumstances (well, except once I RAN away from a date > that was beyond horrible). I really got to know a lot about human nature and > also how to handle myself socially in many situations. I was tempted to > ’settle’ a few times, but by then I had a sense of self-worth that wouldn’t allow > me to ’settle’ because I was no longer interested in just escaping loneliness – > because I had built a life where being alone was no longer a bad thing. I > knew that having a wonderful partner would be the best case, but just having > ’someone’ would be worse than being alone. I tested this once by moving in > with someone that wasn’t quite right and it WAS worse. > >They say that love is all around but how come none of > > it has filtered through to me?  Why can’t I just have what most people take > > for granted? > I don’t think most people in good relationships take them for granted. > The two steps to follow are: > Improve your life as it stands now. This includes choosing moral and optional > values, setting goals to achieve these values and taking action. Set yourself up > in a career that you love/like and that is challenging. Have enjoyable hobbies. > There are no guarentees that any of us will meet a person we can love – either > sooner or later.  And, mentally healthy women are not attracted to men that are > ‘victims’…needy. They want a self-confident, independent man that they can admire. > Become that man. > Assuming that you are self-confident/independent – ie: ready for a healthy relationship, > get out there and find one. Put out personal ads. Join groups/clubs. Go to night school. > Ask friends, neighbors and relatives to suggest possible dates. If you are looking for > someone, treat it like looking for a job. Get out there and ‘interview’. Go on at least > one date a week – and yes, that will mean taking a lot of action. But make sure you > do step one (above) first. Otherwise, it’s like going for a job interview with no skills. > Even if you get the job, you’ll be found out and fired. Or you’ll end up with a job > you’ll hate. > > There is no purpose to my living. > Then you need to find purpose. This is your time to enjoy yourself and make > yourself the best person you can be.

Thank you for your reply repairman.  I read it right through and to any "normal" person this would make complete sense.  Unfortunately I have many obstacles to get past before I can even get to the stage of positively changing my life.  In other words, I’m pretty fucked up in the head (to put it bluntly). — "And I believe there’s something more……cause this isn’t what I’ve been looking for If I blink my eyes I’m afraid I might miss some of it This makes no sense a mirage of an oasis…..but it kills my time" Sinch – Somthing More – 2002

Response:

"repairmanjack" <repairmanj…@email.com> schreef in bericht news:ahs1ja$geq$1@slb6.atl.mindspring.net… > "Ben G." <n…@spam.com> wrote in message

news:3d41656e$1_2@mk-nntp-2.news.uk.tiscali.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >They say that love is all around but how come none of > > it has filtered through to me?  Why can’t I just have what most people take > > for granted? > I don’t think most people in good relationships take them for granted. > The two steps to follow are: > Improve your life as it stands now. This includes choosing moral and optional > values, setting goals to achieve these values and taking action. Set yourself up > in a career that you love/like and that is challenging. Have enjoyable hobbies. > There are no guarentees that any of us will meet a person we can love – either > sooner or later.  And, mentally healthy women are not attracted to men that are > ‘victims’…needy. They want a self-confident, independent man that they can admire. > Become that man. > Assuming that you are self-confident/independent – ie: ready for a healthy relationship, > get out there and find one. Put out personal ads. Join groups/clubs. Go to night school. > Ask friends, neighbors and relatives to suggest possible dates. If you are looking for > someone, treat it like looking for a job. Get out there and ‘interview’. Go on at least > one date a week – and yes, that will mean taking a lot of action. But make sure you > do step one (above) first. Otherwise, it’s like going for a job interview with no skills. > Even if you get the job, you’ll be found out and fired. Or you’ll end up with a job > you’ll hate.

Wow, great story, especially since I decided to take that exact route myself. I think it is important to get to know yourself first, get a life yourself before deciding to start sharing it with someone else. I had to get hurt to find that out but the conclusion was the same you came to. It

Filed under: Loneliness

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