Still in a spin…
Question:
All you can do is look at it as experience. You know you the good things you did and the bad things. You know that she is a little too young to begin with. She is young and not sure what she wants in life right now. Just chalk it up to good experience and remember that there are a lot of people out there who dont have your experience of relationships to draw on (loneliness).
Response:
Nikolas Karapasas wrote: > Hey all… > I need to throw something out there and get some feedback.
<snipped> – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Here is the problem… Since she broke it off with me, I have "dated" more > people than I care to mention… probably 3x the number of ppl I had been > with before her. Even though she treated me badly… I still can’t get her > out of my head… those quiet lonely moments come up and I miss her… I > can never take her back…. even if she showed up on my doorstep in tears, > I could not… but I still feel the void of her not being there. I have > broken up with people before her, but this is the first time in my life I > have felt so… lost… I keep thinking I am over her, but then I see her > in passing, in a car, in the university and I stay "tough" for a few > minutes… then thoughts of her come back in my head. > The breakup was the best thing that happened in my life tho… during the > relationship, I got out of shape… now I am in the best shape of my > life… I pulled a 4.0 last semester… I am back into doing all the > things I loved that she would keep me from doing and I realise I did > everything I could for her during the relationship, except let her go. I > just am waiting for the day I stop thinking of her. > someone give me feedback…
Three months is not enough time for you to stop thinking about her. Each has their own amount of time that is needed. The relationship that you described was traumatic for both of you. You both behaved in ways that were destructive. To each other and to yourselves. These things, even with therapy, are not easily forgotten. Obviously, your desire to hold her when she wished not to be with you was strong enough to cause you to strike her, physically prevent her from leaving, change your life, deprive yourself of what you would wish to do. You expended much energy, much emotion to hold one that did not wish to be held. It would seem that is an aspect of your personality. "I want what I want and I will keep it at all costs." I doubt that three months of therapy would change that a great deal. You have done and are doing the "things" you need to in order to make yourself feel better. A 4.0 is quite impressive. Especially considering the emotional trauma that you must have been going through at the time. Increasing your social life and I’m sure many other positive things that you have done are all things to be proud of and show your effort to be emotionally healthy. But, it seems that you will still not let her go. By your behavior in the relationship, you seem to have exhibited that your desire to keep her was above all other needs. Yours or hers. You hold her in your mind in as you tried to hold her in the relationship. Possibly, if you understand truly what is keeping her there, you will be able to let her go. J — Just you and me On this island of hope A breath between us could be miles Sarah McLachlan
Response:
Nikolas Karapasas <n…@acsu.buffalo.edu> wrote: >Hey all… >I need to throw something out there and get some feedback. >About 3 months ago, I was involved in a bad breakup. There are alot of >long, bloody details to this. After alot of introspection and help from >friends, this is what I think it was… I was dating a girl 9 years >younger than me… I fell in love with her deeply… or at least I thought >I did. She kept on wanting to leave the relationship, and I kept on >sacrivicing myself, my job, my hobbies, needs and desires, to keep the >relationship going. When it was good, it was worth it to me, but when it >fall apart, I couldn’t understand it.
Clue #1 if she keeps wanting to leave she will leave or else make the relationship a living hell for you and she’ll try to find someone else on the side…. >She attacked me emotionally and verbally often. Little jokes between us >could be just laughed at, or I would pay for them for days. She would have >radical moodswings. She would call e her angel one day and curse me the >next… with no connection or acknowledgement of the shifts on her part. >Yes… I know she is only 19… I should have realised that and just >walked away from it early on when she cheated on me… >but I didn’t, When the arguments got heated and I couldnt’ see the logic >anymore… when she would tear into me emotionally. I would lose it…. >She wanted to walk away, I wouldnt’ let her leave… the times I did back >off, I either got attacked harder, or she did something that hurt me worse >thatn dealing with the retribution for holding her back (cheating on me, >getting into car accidents, ETC)
And you loved the person who’d do things like that to you? >now let me say here, I had smacked her, I held her down, I kept her from >leaving the room by blocking her way or holding her down. These were all >huge mistakes… I somehow felt that her love for me was real, and the >anger and confusion was not. Now I believe that the anger and confusion >was from her being in a relationship that she didn’t want to be in in the >first place. I never gave her the chance to discover where she really >wanted to be. Or to really fall in love with me.
Just be real glad you didn’t go to jail or now have a record. You’d have zero chance of getting a judge’s sympathy if you beat up a teenage girl…. That killed even the lets just be friends hope, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Keep in mind… she cheated on me 4 times… then when, later in the >relationship, she wanted to see other people, I tried to let her go, but >didnt’ have the courage to tell her to go away, she saw other people while >I stayed committed, and I resented her for it. I asked for honesty from >her, and to her, this was an invasion of her private thoughts, and none of >my business… again, I know I should have just told her to go away. But I >didnt’ have the stregnth to do that. I stayed and dealt with it… and I >held it against her. >Whenever I was ready to walk away from her, she would say something…. I >am a pre med student, and all of a sudden, just as I was getting ready to >leave her, and someone else was trying to become a part of my life, she >decided that she wanted to be a doctor too… so I held on. When I >realised she wanted to leave and didn’t want me in her life, I prepped >myself to say goodbye… that DAY she looked into my eyes, and all of a >sudden said "I am sorry… please let me do this and if I come back, I >will be yours forever." I melted… and stayed… >She would tell me to fuck off, and then tell me to come get her… this >happened over and over. It took me a while in therapy to even begin to >take the blame off of myself. I do have some fault, but there was nothing >I could do, no amount of love I could give her, that could make her grow >up, love me, stop feeling sorry for herself, etc… and I can’t take the >blame for her immaturity and emotional problems… doing that left me an >emotional wreck (and I am still repairing the damage from it)
Don’t take the blame for her yo-yoing and her instablity, but do face the fact that you let her do this to you over and over again and it was bestfor both you and her that it’s over with. >Here is the problem… Since she broke it off with me, I have "dated" more >people than I care to mention… probably 3x the number of ppl I had been >with before her. Even though she treated me badly… I still can’t get her >out of my head… those quiet lonely moments come up and I miss her… I >can never take her back…. even if she showed up on my doorstep in tears, >I could not… but I still feel the void of her not being there. I have >broken up with people before her, but this is the first time in my life I >have felt so… lost… I keep thinking I am over her, but then I see her >in passing, in a car, in the university and I stay "tough" for a few >minutes… then thoughts of her come back in my head.
Just remember how bad it got as well as the good… >The breakup was the best thing that happened in my life tho… during the >relationship, I got out of shape… now I am in the best shape of my >life… I pulled a 4.0 last semester… I am back into doing all the >things I loved that she would keep me from doing and I realise I did >everything I could for her during the relationship, except let her go. I >just am waiting for the day I stop thinking of her. >someone give me feedback…
The only thing that helps is time and interacting with other people. Though it’s good that you’re getting out, don’t just be a rebound dater, you’ll never give any of the women you date any chance to be anything but "something to do just to stop thinking of her". If your like me you’ll never completely forget her, she’ll become a tubulent phase of your life full of good times and bad (just like high school). But just like you wish sometimes you could go back and redo what you did in high school, you just accept the fact that it’s over and you can’t go back. Kirin
Response:
Hey all… I need to throw something out there and get some feedback. About 3 months ago, I was involved in a bad breakup. There are alot of long, bloody details to this. After alot of introspection and help from friends, this is what I think it was… I was dating a girl 9 years younger than me… I fell in love with her deeply… or at least I thought I did. She kept on wanting to leave the relationship, and I kept on sacrivicing myself, my job, my hobbies, needs and desires, to keep the relationship going. When it was good, it was worth it to me, but when it fall apart, I couldn’t understand it. She attacked me emotionally and verbally often. Little jokes between us could be just laughed at, or I would pay for them for days. She would have radical moodswings. She would call e her angel one day and curse me the next… with no connection or acknowledgement of the shifts on her part. Yes… I know she is only 19… I should have realised that and just walked away from it early on when she cheated on me… but I didn’t, When the arguments got heated and I couldnt’ see the logic anymore… when she would tear into me emotionally. I would lose it…. She wanted to walk away, I wouldnt’ let her leave… the times I did back off, I either got attacked harder, or she did something that hurt me worse thatn dealing with the retribution for holding her back (cheating on me, getting into car accidents, ETC) now let me say here, I had smacked her, I held her down, I kept her from leaving the room by blocking her way or holding her down. These were all huge mistakes… I somehow felt that her love for me was real, and the anger and confusion was not. Now I believe that the anger and confusion was from her being in a relationship that she didn’t want to be in in the first place. I never gave her the chance to discover where she really wanted to be. Or to really fall in love with me. Keep in mind… she cheated on me 4 times… then when, later in the relationship, she wanted to see other people, I tried to let her go, but didnt’ have the courage to tell her to go away, she saw other people while I stayed committed, and I resented her for it. I asked for honesty from her, and to her, this was an invasion of her private thoughts, and none of my business… again, I know I should have just told her to go away. But I didnt’ have the stregnth to do that. I stayed and dealt with it… and I held it against her. Whenever I was ready to walk away from her, she would say something…. I am a pre med student, and all of a sudden, just as I was getting ready to leave her, and someone else was trying to become a part of my life, she decided that she wanted to be a doctor too… so I held on. When I realised she wanted to leave and didn’t want me in her life, I prepped myself to say goodbye… that DAY she looked into my eyes, and all of a sudden said "I am sorry… please let me do this and if I come back, I will be yours forever." I melted… and stayed… She would tell me to fuck off, and then tell me to come get her… this happened over and over. It took me a while in therapy to even begin to take the blame off of myself. I do have some fault, but there was nothing I could do, no amount of love I could give her, that could make her grow up, love me, stop feeling sorry for herself, etc… and I can’t take the blame for her immaturity and emotional problems… doing that left me an emotional wreck (and I am still repairing the damage from it) Here is the problem… Since she broke it off with me, I have "dated" more people than I care to mention… probably 3x the number of ppl I had been with before her. Even though she treated me badly… I still can’t get her out of my head… those quiet lonely moments come up and I miss her… I can never take her back…. even if she showed up on my doorstep in tears, I could not… but I still feel the void of her not being there. I have broken up with people before her, but this is the first time in my life I have felt so… lost… I keep thinking I am over her, but then I see her in passing, in a car, in the university and I stay "tough" for a few minutes… then thoughts of her come back in my head. The breakup was the best thing that happened in my life tho… during the relationship, I got out of shape… now I am in the best shape of my life… I pulled a 4.0 last semester… I am back into doing all the things I loved that she would keep me from doing and I realise I did everything I could for her during the relationship, except let her go. I just am waiting for the day I stop thinking of her. someone give me feedback…
Response:
Hi Nikolas, Some of the best advice I got after my recent breakup was ‘I know things seem bad now and you aren’t happy with how your life is going, but don’t change who Jon is’. I’m going to offer that same advice to you. Don’t change who Nikolas is. If Nikolas wasn’t the type to date everyone he meets before, then chances are that he isn’t that person now. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t date, but don’t do it just to do it. Do it because you care about who you are with. I know that you are going though a tough time right now. I am too. Being with other people does help to take away the pain. I am not yet ready to have a meanigful relationship yet so I haven’t been dating yet. From what you wrote you may not be ready yet either. Take some time to get over your ex-girlfriend. I think what you have been doing, getting into shape, concentrating on your studies, and doing things that you used to enjoy are great. Keep up with those things. Use these activities to learn to appreciate who you were and who you are. Find out who Nikolas is and be true to that. Maybe use some of the time that you’ve been using dating to just meet new friends. Don’t think of everything interms of dating, but really get to know these girls and develop new male friendships as well. But most importantly be someone you are proud of. Be yourself. take care, jon – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Nikolas Karapasas wrote: <snip> > Here is the problem… Since she broke it off with me, I have "dated" more > people than I care to mention… probably 3x the number of ppl I had been > with before her. Even though she treated me badly… I still can’t get her > out of my head… those quiet lonely moments come up and I miss her… I > can never take her back…. even if she showed up on my doorstep in tears, > I could not… but I still feel the void of her not being there. I have > broken up with people before her, but this is the first time in my life I > have felt so… lost… I keep thinking I am over her, but then I see her > in passing, in a car, in the university and I stay "tough" for a few > minutes… then thoughts of her come back in my head. > The breakup was the best thing that happened in my life tho… during the > relationship, I got out of shape… now I am in the best shape of my > life… I pulled a 4.0 last semester… I am back into doing all the > things I loved that she would keep me from doing and I realise I did > everything I could for her during the relationship, except let her go. I > just am waiting for the day I stop thinking of her. > someone give me feedback…
Response:
Filed under: Loneliness
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