what kind of people commits an affair:

Question:

So easy to say, so impossible to do. I can’t just let it go. If this should die a "natural" death than so be it. But to make the decision to leave her to the wolves and myself to an existance without her in it is unreasonable. No, I’m here for the long haul. David

Response:

How about the people who have stayed in dead-end marriages only to one day meet the person on the planet who they are truly meant to be with? What of the lovesless couple who are married because it’s the easy thing to be, when one finds his or her true love? Not all of us are bad people. People have so-called affairs out of a sense of honesty and love. Not to hurt anyone. The hurt was always there. David

O.K., David, I had a hand in such a discussion a while back, but the population here does coma and go, which is fair. IMHO, all affairs that start prior to the separation of the married partner, is a wrong committed against the remaining partner who is not " allowed " to know of the demise of their marriage. If any of the folks in your examples meet " the right person ", then that new person will WAIT, for the still connected person, to get disconnected. Whether that means the separation ( ie-moving out, filing, and living apart… ) or the divorce date, I leave to individual decisions. But, the minimum is that the spouses be clear on their future, or the lack of it. All else is lying, and dishonesty. Again, IMHO, the terms " affairs " and " honesty and love " are quite mutually incompatible and are indeed, self contradictory. Add to that, that often, the spouse who commits the affair, does so on the basis of not having gained an understanding of what their decisions had to do with the ( imminent ) demise of their marriage. Statistics tell us that relationships formed in such a way, collopse momre frequently, than do all others. So, finding the " right " person by way of an affair, while one of you is still in a committed relationship, is morally wrong, causes unneeded pain, and doesn’t work. Do the following study. Find me three people that you know ( not from articles, but your circle of friends, acquaintences, and co-workers ) who found their mate by this method. Then, compare the longevity of the relationships to those who did the right things… Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness " David Gelernter, " 1939 "

Response:

Crazylady & Tazz, funny my wife always prided herself on being very moral, Christian and honest. After I found out about her upstanding married, Christian lover and I called him I asked him why he was sleeping with my wife, his gut reaction was " You can’t prove that". My wife claimed she had been forgiven by her god. I just love those who are so well able judge the morality of others. Nope, I’d not judge David immoral in either case, he was honest with his stbx. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

Response:

David some will blast you here … they have been hurt. You’ve done nothing wrong in my opinion, I wish you and your intended the best of all possible futures Lou

Response:

Man, I think I know how she feels about her hubby. That is sad. My LTR was with a guy similar to what you describe. One night, when I was doing some homework for a class I was taking we heard police cars. No big deal right? The relationship was sour and had been. I was really there because his place was quiet. Well, someone knocked at the door and he answered it with a .38 in his hand. That was when I knew it was time to get away for good. And you know what else? I began dating my then ex’s roomate. In fact, that same roomate went on to be my husband. Yes, I am wanting a divorce. (Just goes to show that some rebound relationships can turn into long term pain. ) But I think I am familiar with your plight. Have faith. Get on with your divorce and her with hers. And as for her self esteem thing, well, I think I am familiar with that also. She will get there if you are patient with her. She can do it. Just be patient. My best wishes to her. Crazy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thank you Steph for reconsidering your condemnation of my actions. It does help to get the full story before a person is convicted yes? My friend, lover, mistress, whatever you want to hang as a label has been in a six year marriage which started bad and went to worse. Hubby is a pot head and none too hygienic either. The three kids have been raised watching dad roll joints and sell little plastic baggies from the livingroom. The woman has finally seen that she does deserve so much more than this, and I have to take credit for this as it’s me she has met and fallen in love with. While she is very bright indeed, she suffers from low self-esteem. Or at least she did until last July which is when we began seeing each other. But regardless of the outcome of our relationship, whether or not she wishes to continue with me, my hope is that she sees herself as the gloriously talented and beautiful woman she is and never settles for less than the same in a mate. Oh the saga I could tell you all about this

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -David

Response:

I know what you mean about re-building her self-esteem. She’s married to a REAL lout. But, still before taking an out with you she needs to divorce him FAST. She may not have any self respect left, but for the sake of her children, she should get out of that horrid situation. And, as kind as you must be to be supporting her through all this, you should also let this relationship go. She’s a mess, and it will take a long time for her to heal. YOU DESERVE BETTER TOO. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thank you Steph for reconsidering your condemnation of my actions. It does help to get the full story before a person is convicted yes? My friend, lover, mistress, whatever you want to hang as a label has been in a six year marriage which started bad and went to worse. Hubby is a pot head and none too hygienic either. The three kids have been raised watching dad roll joints and sell little plastic baggies from the livingroom. The woman has finally seen that she does deserve so much more than this, and I have to take credit for this as it’s me she has met and fallen in love with. While she is very bright indeed, she suffers from low self-esteem. Or at least she did until last July which is when we began seeing each other. But regardless of the outcome of our relationship, whether or not she wishes to continue with me, my hope is that she sees herself as the gloriously talented and beautiful woman she is and never settles for less than the same in a mate. Oh the saga I could tell you all about this

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – David

Response:

I’d send you a x-mas card. (But, you’d probably throw darts at it, knowing it’s from a raving, lunatic, "condemn-er" of cheaters.) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dave…do not concern yourself with the redemption of this group…some will never understand as their minds are too narrow, and others will simply jump on their bandwagon… Post what you need to post…read the replies you need to to get what you need…do so without any reservation as to how this group will perceive you…you are not here to please or otherwise satisfy this group…you are here to gain advice, insight, etc on how to please yourself and deal with your situations…and always post from your heart and soul…never try to pretty anything up…be yourself, be natural… That is the way I do it…probably wont get many Christmas cards from some of these people…but hey…who are they anyways? Wildman As a matter of fact the decision to divorce came AFTER the realization that I loved another. The fact that I have not felt "in love" with my wife for a number of years probably will have no bearing on my redemption in this group. We had settled into the comfortable if less than intimate routine of our marriage, and after I had become aware of her two affairs, with two guys, simultaneously, less than a year after marrying me, news which I didn’t get until 9 years after the fact, my feelings turned a bit towards ice. We have separated & gotten back, she has left me & come back. It was an inevitable outcome that we divorce, an event set to occur in about 90 days hence. After counseling etc.., and me meeting this "other woman", and me discovering how wonderful passion and romance was again, and me discovering that I did indeed have the capacity to feel love, I had to tell my wife that I was simply unable to continue with the charade of our marriage. Of course she has not wasted any time either in looking for another, posts adds on the net and responds to same. A tactic I find depressing but if that’s what she wants… So condemn me all, blast me for the sin of loving someone I am not married to. You can even lambaste me for being in love with a married woman for that is what she is. Ah, such crimes, such moral turpitude. Well okay then it is, and that being true, love is a bad thing. Because it just don’t always happen in the most convenient manner. David

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – But did you tell your partner of your intentions to divorce before you found your soulmate? Did you have physical contact with that person while still married? Maybe that is going to be the defining statement for you. For others it will be less significant. Probably for most in here you are going to be thrown to the wolves, no matter what. The bottom line is and always shall be to do what is right. If you are a person of character who can stand by and own up to the decisions you have made then by all means, do what you have to do. It will be morally wrong to continue this behavior if you do not intend to divorce. You dont think its morally wrong NOW before you divorced? Well Tazz that is precisely what I am aiming at. I am getting the impression that that David is not merely carring on a love affair and it has turned physical. That is morally wrong, right now, if he is not separated from his wife. That is just my opinion. Crazylady & Tazz, funny my wife always prided herself on being very moral, Christian and honest. After I found out about her upstanding married, Christian lover and I called him I asked him why he was sleeping with my wife, his gut reaction was " You can’t prove that". My wife claimed she had been forgiven by her god. I just love those who are so well able judge the morality of others. Nope, I’d not judge David immoral in either case, he was honest with his stbx.

I think I hear you. I cannot say for sure that I would have been any different. I said what I felt. That to take it to a physical place if the s2bx didn’t know about it was wrong. But even still, if I were in his shoes I cannot say that I would not have done the exact same. It is so very difficult to judge every situation the same. For it is not. In so many cases it is obvious that the cheating spouse is just after the next adventure. Or is just *bored* and looking for a good time. That is so wrong and I won’t go there. We all agree what that is. But there is another aspect to unfaithfulness that is being addressed now. What is unfaithful when the marriage itself is at an impasse? Are we to be restricted by laws and philosophies that decree all marriages remain intact no matter the emotional, mental or physical well being of the partners? I do not think so. There is so much more at stake these days. Crazy

Response:

Thank you Lou, It’s just a matter of time and patiance. David – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – David some will blast you here … they have been hurt. You’ve done nothing wrong in my opinion, I wish you and your intended the best of all possible futures Lou

Response:

Well heres the latest in the continuing episode of this is my life: Diana (her real name) called me somewhat franticly yesterday to say she wanted to not hear from me until further notice. She only had a few minutes, hubby was due in at any time, and I didn’t get to protest. Last week she and hubby had agreed that she would move into her own apt. on the 24th (the date it becomes available) and that she would be filing for divorce pro se. In the meantime they live together, in seperate beds (has always been that way, his preference) and she gets maybe 4 hours out of 24 for sleep. He constantly harrangs her. Yelling and getting the kids up to say how mommy is destroying the family. Anyway, he has stipulated that until the divorce is final and even though she will have her own place that she is not to see me, or anyone else for that matter. The threat is that he can ruin my career by charging me with adultery to my employer. Even though it requires that sexual intercourse occured (deniable without proof) just being charged can result in me losing everything I have worked at for the past 16 years. So in her effort to "save" me she is complying with this demand. What do I do? I have told her that I don’t care about the consequences, that I love her and want her and whatever it takes I will do to have her. So now I have this forced silence and my heart aches so much. I can’t sleep, can’t eat (lost 17 pounds so far), cry at odd moments, and just feel so completely miserable. But I have to respect her wishes and keep my distance, it’s about the only thing left in her life that she can control and I fully understand the feeling of losing control of ones life. Any suggestions here? David – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Man, I think I know how she feels about her hubby. That is sad. My LTR was with a guy similar to what you describe. One night, when I was doing some homework for a class I was taking we heard police cars. No big deal right? The relationship was sour and had been. I was really there because his place was quiet. Well, someone knocked at the door and he answered it with a .38 in his hand. That was when I knew it was time to get away for good. And you know what else? I began dating my then ex’s roomate. In fact, that same roomate went on to be my husband. Yes, I am wanting a divorce. (Just goes to show that some rebound relationships can turn into long term pain. ) But I think I am familiar with your plight. Have faith. Get on with your divorce and her with hers. And as for her self esteem thing, well, I think I am familiar with that also. She will get there if you are patient with her. She can do it. Just be patient. My best wishes to her. Crazy

Response:

[snip] The folowing is some example of what kind of people commits an affair: A person who has no courage to open up on what he/she wants in a relationship and is very selfish he/she just thinks on whats good for her/him rather then thinking what he/she should do to make a better marriage.

I hear that. A person who thinks the other side is greener and who never thinks of the consequences

Go figure, missing in action conscience? A person who makes a decision based on what he/she feels instead of making a decision based on whats right and whats wrong.

Responsibilty? Noa… couldnt be. A person who never thinks of the reasons why she /he got married to this person or the memories of how they end up together including courtship and so on.

Hmmmm. learning from the past…. a pattern here? A person who has no energy to workthings out and takes things unbearable and rather walk away from a problem instead of facing what made the marriage like this.

Dont know about this one, havent experienced it yet. A person who thinks playing games will win attention and popularity. A person who has kept all her feelings all these years and decided its time to leave because no one knows how they feel.

Communication problem. A Person who has never told spouse that this is how I want to be treated or how I want you to show love.

See above. A person who never realize that learning to love is something we learn as we grow up and its something we need to realize that sometimes its not what we intended to how we treated our partners. this gives them an idea that they don’t love their partners anymore. Instead of reaching into their hearts and find that theres still alot of it left.

Knowing oneself. A person who either came from a broken family and is carrying on the trait. A person who has no plans for a better future for the family. A person who is confused with his pass and present feelings. A person who is just oversexed and constantly masturbates over pornography more than 3 times a week several times a day.

Dont know about these 4, but Ill buy it. Jaydeecee, this was really pretty sharp. Just two things pop into my head, while my wife is out having fun with her new man. 1- Alot of my replies werent attempts at being sarcastic, just my goofy way of pointing out, that to me, you are describing how human beings find ways to work AROUND the basic core values that describe friendship. 2- What about people that habitually go in on married women to bust the marriage up, and then dump them later. Yes, case in point is my wife. Now, I see some of these written all over my wife, but you know the one thing I havent shaken yet? What if I had tried harder? Someone else in this group that an affair could be the guy that spends too much time on his car (or any hobby). I did. Its called work. Go figure, I thought if I work hard to be a good provider, everything would be ok. I thought my wife would be able to tell me "Hey, I see a problem here, and I think we are drifting apart. Lets do something about it." She didnt. All her sisters are that way, and better yet, they are all extremely dedicated to their jobs. So in a manner of speaking, I got my just deserts. blip – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – End

Response:

Aw…wildman..I’ll still send ya a Christmas card! :) Daisy He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She: Well, you succeeded. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dave…do not concern yourself with the redemption of this group…some will never understand as their minds are too narrow, and others will simply jump on their bandwagon… Post what you need to post…read the replies you need to to get what you need…do so without any reservation as to how this group will perceive you…you are not here to please or otherwise satisfy this group…you are here to gain advice, insight, etc on how to please yourself and deal with your situations…and always post from your heart and soul…never try to pretty anything up…be yourself, be natural… That is the way I do it…probably wont get many Christmas cards from some of these people…but hey…who are they anyways? Wildman As a matter of fact the decision to divorce came AFTER the realization that I loved another. The fact that I have not felt "in love" with my wife for a number of years probably will have no bearing on my redemption in this group. We had settled into the comfortable if less than intimate routine of our marriage, and after I had become aware of her two affairs, with two guys, simultaneously, less than a year after marrying me, news which I didn’t get until 9 years after the fact, my feelings turned a bit towards ice. We have separated & gotten back, she has left me & come back. It was an inevitable outcome that we divorce, an event set to occur in about 90 days hence. After counseling etc.., and me meeting this "other woman", and me discovering how wonderful passion and romance was again, and me discovering that I did indeed have the capacity to feel love, I had to tell my wife that I was simply unable to continue with the charade of our marriage. Of course she has not wasted any time either in looking for another, posts adds on the net and responds to same. A tactic I find depressing but if that’s what she wants… So condemn me all, blast me for the sin of loving someone I am not married to. You can even lambaste me for being in love with a married woman for that is what she is. Ah, such crimes, such moral turpitude. Well okay then it is, and that being true, love is a bad thing. Because it just don’t always happen in the most convenient manner. David

Response:

My argument exactly. Many people in here have been hurt by cheating, affairs of the heart blah, blah, blah. And consequently a lot if not most are ready and willing to point and shoot at the first thing that comes along. Dont’ get me wrong. I am just as guilty. Besides, I have been in a dead end marriage just like you (it IS you that you are referring to?) and it is so difficult. I think I know some of what you are feeling. Emptiness and loneliness are powerful things. And then one day…. But did you tell your partner of your intentions to divorce before you found your soulmate? Did you have physical contact with that person while still married? Maybe that is going to be the defining statement for you. For others it will be less significant. Probably for most in here you are going to be thrown to the wolves, no matter what. The bottom line is and always shall be to do what is right. If you are a person of character who can stand by and own up to the decisions you have made then by all means, do what you have to do. It will be morally wrong to continue this behavior if you do not intend to divorce.

Response:

Well Tazz that is precisely what I am aiming at. I am getting the impression that that David is not merely carring on a love affair and it has turned physical. That is morally wrong, right now, if he is not separated from his wife. That is just my opinion. There is a difference in a LOVE AFFAIR and adultery. IMHO.

I agree. I think you can JUSTIFY a love affair if you are in a dead end marriage. Like you mentioned above. IF you intend on a divorce. I understand you can’t control the TIMING you meet your one and only. Unfortunately (for some) it may come while you are married to someone else

I agree. How cool of you Tazz!! Crazy

Response:

Thank you Steph for reconsidering your condemnation of my actions. It does help to get the full story before a person is convicted yes? My friend, lover, mistress, whatever you want to hang as a label has been in a six year marriage which started bad and went to worse. Hubby is a pot head and none too hygienic either. The three kids have been raised watching dad roll joints and sell little plastic baggies from the livingroom. The woman has finally seen that she does deserve so much more than this, and I have to take credit for this as it’s me she has met and fallen in love with. While she is very bright indeed, she suffers from low self-esteem. Or at least she did until last July which is when we began seeing each other. But regardless of the outcome of our relationship, whether or not she wishes to continue with me, my hope is that she sees herself as the gloriously talented and beautiful woman she is and never settles for less than the same David

Response:

Dave…do not concern yourself with the redemption of this group…some will never understand as their minds are too narrow, and others will simply jump on their bandwagon… Post what you need to post…read the replies you need to to get what you need…do so without any reservation as to how this group will perceive you…you are not here to please or otherwise satisfy this group…you are here to gain advice, insight, etc on how to please yourself and deal with your situations…and always post from your heart and soul…never try to pretty anything up…be yourself, be natural… That is the way I do it…probably wont get many Christmas cards from some of these people…but hey…who are they anyways? Wildman

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -As a matter of fact the decision to divorce came AFTER the realization that I loved another. The fact that I have not felt "in love" with my wife for a number of years probably will have no bearing on my redemption in this group. We had settled into the comfortable if less than intimate routine of our marriage, and after I had become aware of her two affairs, with two guys, simultaneously, less than a year after marrying me, news which I didn’t get until 9 years after the fact, my feelings turned a bit towards ice. We have separated & gotten back, she has left me & come back. It was an inevitable outcome that we divorce, an event set to occur in about 90 days hence. After counseling etc.., and me meeting this "other woman", and me discovering how wonderful passion and romance was again, and me discovering that I did indeed have the capacity to feel love, I had to tell my wife that I was simply unable to continue with the charade of our marriage. Of course she has not wasted any time either in looking for another, posts adds on the net and responds to same. A tactic I find depressing but if that’s what she wants… So condemn me all, blast me for the sin of loving someone I am not married to. You can even lambaste me for being in love with a married woman for that is what she is. Ah, such crimes, such moral turpitude. Well okay then it is, and that being true, love is a bad thing. Because it just don’t always happen in the most convenient manner. David

Response:

Sorry to hear this. But, I am glad to hear that you can now move-on. Your wife is a jerk. But, you are close to being a jerk too for getting involved with a married woman. That is indeed moral turpitude (unless she was in the process of a divorce and is just waiting for the final signatures, settlement, etc.). So many of us use the excuse of higher feelings such as "love" to justify clearly wrong behavior. It does seem to cheapen what love is really about…… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – As a matter of fact the decision to divorce came AFTER the realization that I loved another. The fact that I have not felt "in love" with my wife for a number of years probably will have no bearing on my redemption in this group. We had settled into the comfortable if less than intimate routine of our marriage, and after I had become aware of her two affairs, with two guys, simultaneously, less than a year after marrying me, news which I didn’t get until 9 years after the fact, my feelings turned a bit towards ice. We have separated & gotten back, she has left me & come back. It was an inevitable outcome that we divorce, an event set to occur in about 90 days hence. After counseling etc.., and me meeting this "other woman", and me discovering how wonderful passion and romance was again, and me discovering that I did indeed have the capacity to feel love, I had to tell my wife that I was simply unable to continue with the charade of our marriage. Of course she has not wasted any time either in looking for another, posts adds on the net and responds to same. A tactic I find depressing but if that’s what she wants… So condemn me all, blast me for the sin of loving someone I am not married to. You can even lambaste me for being in love with a married woman for that is what she is. Ah, such crimes, such moral turpitude. Well okay then it is, and that being true, love is a bad thing. Because it just don’t always happen in the most convenient manner. David

Response:

If you’re in a dead-end marriage, then specify that and divorce. Then have the love of your life. Simple as that. No excuse for cheating. PERIOD. Just divorce. If you’re in a dead-end marriage, that’s your fault. If that’s how you feel about your marriage, state your feelings, your intention to divorce, and file the paperwork together. None of this underhanded, behind-the-scenes, advantage taking nonsense. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – How about the people who have stayed in dead-end marriages only to one day meet the person on the planet who they are truly meant to be with? What of the lovesless couple who are married because it’s the easy thing to be, when one finds his or her true love? Not all of us are bad people. People have so-called affairs out of a sense of honesty and love. Not to hurt anyone. The hurt was always there. David

Response:

Well, see. That is something that is rarely considered these days. A pity for you and I am sorry. After counseling etc.., and me meeting this "other woman", and me discovering how wonderful passion and romance was again, and me discovering that I did indeed have the capacity to feel love, I had to tell my wife that I was simply unable to continue with the charade of our marriage. Of course she has not wasted any time either in looking for another, posts adds on the net and responds to same. A tactic I find depressing but if that’s what she wants… So condemn me all, blast me for the sin of loving someone I am not married to.

Can’t do that. Won’t even begin to go there. You can even lambaste me for being in love with a married woman for that is what she is.

Oh lord we had to go there didn’t we? Is her circumstance the same? I ask because I tell you now that the dogs are barking. And you are in for it. Ah, such crimes, such moral turpitude. Well okay then it is, and that being true, love is a bad thing.

No David. Love isn’t a bad thing. That is one thing here that you will not get persecuted for. At least not by me. It is the actions you take regarding such feeling. Be carefull. You are in very dangerous territory. The ice is thin all around you. Because it just don’t always happen in the most convenient manner. David

David. Love is like Babies. If everyone waited to have love and babies when it was convenient then the population would cease to increase and the world would die of loneliness. It is all a matter of perception. You say she is married too? Oh ugh. David, David, David. I wish I could find something to say here. Usually I would blast you right about here. I won’t. It’s more complicated than that, I see. Not typical and average by any means. You are both adults. Be careful. Be warned. Good luck. Crazy

Response:

But did you tell your partner of your intentions to divorce before you found your soulmate? Did you have physical contact with that person while still married? Maybe that is going to be the defining statement for you. For others it will be less significant. Probably for most in here you are going to be thrown to the wolves, no matter what. The bottom line is and always shall be to do what is right. If you are a person of character who can stand by and own up to the decisions you have made then by all means, do what you have to do. It will be morally wrong to continue this behavior if you do not intend to divorce.

You dont think its morally wrong NOW before you divorced? There is a difference in a LOVE AFFAIR and adultery. IMHO. I think you can JUSTIFY a love affair if you are in a dead end marriage. Like you mentioned above. IF you intend on a divorce. I understand you can’t control the TIMING you meet your one and only. Unfortunately (for some) it may come while you are married to someone else Tazz Reply to

Response:

The folowing is some example of what kind of people commits an affair: A person who has no courage to open up on what he/she wants in a relationship and is very selfish he/she just thinks on whats good for her/him rather then thinking what he/she should do to make a better marriage. A person who thinks the other side is greener and who never thinks of the consequences A person who makes a decision based on what he/she feels instead of making a decision based on whats right and whats wrong. A person who never thinks of the reasons why she /he got married to this person or the memories of how they end up together including courtship and so on. A person who has no energy to workthings out and takes things unbearable and rather walk away from a problem instead of facing what made the marriage like this. A person who thinks playing games will win attention and popularity. A person who has kept all her feelings all these years and decided its time to leave because no one knows how they feel. A Person who has never told spouse that this is how I want to be treated or how I want you to show love. A person who never realize that learning to love is something we learn as we grow up and its something we need to realize that sometimes its not what we intended to how we treated our partners. this gives them an idea that they don’t love their partners anymore. Instead of reaching into their hearts and find that theres still alot of it left. A person who either came from a broken family and is carrying on the trait. A person who has no plans for a better future for the family. A person who is confused with his pass and present feelings. A person who is just oversexed and constantly masturbates over pornography more than 3 times a week several times a day. End

Response:

As a matter of fact the decision to divorce came AFTER the realization that I loved another. The fact that I have not felt "in love" with my wife for a number of years probably will have no bearing on my redemption in this group. We had settled into the comfortable if less than intimate routine of our marriage, and after I had become aware of her two affairs, with two guys, simultaneously, less than a year after marrying me, news which I didn’t get until 9 years after the fact, my feelings turned a bit towards ice. We have separated & gotten back, she has left me & come back. It was an inevitable outcome that we divorce, an event set to occur in about 90 days hence. After counseling etc.., and me meeting this "other woman", and me discovering how wonderful passion and romance was again, and me discovering that I did indeed have the capacity to feel love, I had to tell my wife that I was simply unable to continue with the charade of our marriage. Of course she has not wasted any time either in looking for another, posts adds on the net and responds to same. A tactic I find depressing but if that’s what she wants… So condemn me all, blast me for the sin of loving someone I am not married to. You can even lambaste me for being in love with a married woman for that is what she is. Ah, such crimes, such moral turpitude. Well okay then it is, and that being true, love is a bad thing. Because it just don’t always happen in the most convenient manner. David

Response:

You have no clue or idea what you are talking about!!! I’m not trying to flame here.. But just explain what happens.. And what goes though your mind or maybe the lack of… Even people that commit affairs have feeling, And that is why the affair is comment in the first place! If you’ve done your research on why an affairs happen you’ll find that in most cases that one or both parterns are not holding up on there part of the relationship. In my case my wife totally ignored me and wanted nothing to do with me for almost a year when her older daughter moved in. At first I ignored the problem thinking that I must have done or said something wrong.. But when the problem didn’t go away, I started to talk to my wife. She would never open up on what is the problem or why she didn’t want anything to do with me… I tried just about everything I could think of over that time.. But after that I just lost the love in my heart… Feeling rejected, confused, hurt, unloved, and alone I turned to a local chat system… After awhile I found a woman that was about my age.. Not that I was looking for anyone.. Just wanted someone to talk to… Someone that would listen… After a while we met for lunch to see what we both look like.. We met again .. (and as they say one thing led to another) and the affair happen. Now, I’m not trying to justify what I did.. It was totally wrong of me for what I did…And I have regreted every second of it. It only made a bad problem into my worst nightmare! It totally destoried everything and everybody around me. And now after it was over dealing with the feeling of regret, self anger, self blame, hurt, alone, confused, depression was unbarable, Some tell me that I got what I deserved… Maybe they are right.. But the fact is .. I still am human and I still have feeling. Alot of them.. Everyone that I tried to turn to for help backed away.. Didn’t want anything to do with me.. including my church. All I heard from everyone was how could I even do what I did… I tried find a book written on affairs and how to deal with the aftermath from my point of view in the affiair… And after looking around.. There are almost no books written from that point of view.. On how do you fix all of the problems that you caused, how do you deal with the feeling that you have.. When no one else wants anything to do with you. So my question to you… What really happen?? Only you can answer that question… Who turned away?? Did you? or did both of you? Did either of you atemp to talk or fix problems before the affair? Have you tried to talk or fix the problems after the affair? Remember we are all human… We all have feelings!! I’m not saying that anyone is to blame… But both of your feeling are hurt right now… When I first talked to my wife after the affair, She was hurt deeply. She said, Of all people how could I do such a thing. Now she says that I was only human reacting to the problem with human feeling. We are both sorry for what has happen… Even though we are divorcing, We are now good friends. Anyway… This is just something to think about.. No hard feeling or anything.. If you want to email me.. Please feel free… Weston – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The folowing is some example of what kind of people commits an affair: A person who has no courage to open up on what he/she wants in a relationship and is very selfish he/she just thinks on whats good for her/him rather then thinking what he/she should do to make a better marriage. A person who thinks the other side is greener and who never thinks of the consequences A person who makes a decision based on what he/she feels instead of making a decision based on whats right and whats wrong. A person who never thinks of the reasons why she /he got married to this person or the memories of how they end up together including courtship and so on. A person who has no energy to workthings out and takes things unbearable and rather walk away from a problem instead of facing what made the marriage like this. A person who thinks playing games will win attention and popularity. A person who has kept all her feelings all these years and decided its time to leave because no one knows how they feel. A Person who has never told spouse that this is how I want to be treated or how I want you to show love. A person who never realize that learning to love is something we learn as we grow up and its something we need to realize that sometimes its not what we intended to how we treated our partners. this gives them an idea that they don’t love their partners anymore. Instead of reaching into their hearts and find that theres still alot of it left. A person who either came from a broken family and is carrying on the trait. A person who has no plans for a better future for the family. A person who is confused with his pass and present feelings. A person who is just oversexed and constantly masturbates over pornography more than 3 times a week several times a day. End

Response:

It could be all these things. It could be any one of them. It could be something totally different. What I am trying to say is that in the other thread, there was one message about how an affair is usually the result of specific needs not being met. I think that if you categorize people who have an affair (of any kind) into this list you have then you are assuming far too much about the nature of a human heart. How are you or anyone to know specifically what drives a person to these behaviors unless they tell you? That is if they themselves can even know? All the end results leave the betrayed with are usually confusion and anger. Usually this anger is justifiable. But now that issues are flying around as to what specifically is cheating or not, what is an affair or not, you cannot hope to stereotype *these people* . From what I have seen here and elsewhere, there are types doing it, from every walk and lifestyle. Crazy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The folowing is some example of what kind of people commits an affair: A person who has no courage to open up on what he/she wants in a relationship and is very selfish he/she just thinks on whats good for her/him rather then thinking what he/she should do to make a better marriage. A person who thinks the other side is greener and who never thinks of the consequences A person who makes a decision based on what he/she feels instead of making a decision based on whats right and whats wrong. A person who never thinks of the reasons why she /he got married to this person or the memories of how they end up together including courtship and so on. A person who has no energy to workthings out and takes things unbearable and rather walk away from a problem instead of facing what made the marriage like this. A person who thinks playing games will win attention and popularity. A person who has kept all her feelings all these years and decided its time to leave because no one knows how they feel. A Person who has never told spouse that this is how I want to be treated or how I want you to show love. A person who never realize that learning to love is something we learn as we grow up and its something we need to realize that sometimes its not what we intended to how we treated our partners. this gives them an idea that they don’t love their partners anymore. Instead of reaching into their hearts and find that theres still alot of it left. A person who either came from a broken family and is carrying on the trait. A person who has no plans for a better future for the family. A person who is confused with his pass and present feelings. A person who is just oversexed and constantly masturbates over pornography more than 3 times a week several times a day. End

Response:

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Lonely Loneliness

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