what to do
Question:
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but now I have a lot more to say I guess. I am 27 years old I have one bio daughter 2 and one sort of step daughter 10 (there father and I are not legally married) we’ve been together for 41/2 years. I call her step daughter and she calls me step mom. Well I’ve reached that point in my life where I need more fullfillness, I want another child! My bf-husband what ever you want to call it, absolutley refuses to let me have another, he says he just don’t feel right about it, he said I already have my two children, I don’t want to sound selffish but damnit it’s my life too! He has said some pretty hurtful things to me over the last few years that I just can’t shake out of my head, for starters, he wouldn’t even give our daughter his last name, he told me in the hospital the day she was born "give her your name so if you ever gt married her name will change too" the only way her name will change is if she is adopted! He told me a year later (still living together mind you) " I don’t love you"! Granted that has change now, he makes it a point to tell me, but those words still haunt the heart if you know what I mean! So, Im not sure what I want to do, he refuses to give me another child which I so desperately want, do I just deal with it and move on, or do I leave and try to full fill my life. I have all the duties of a house wife I stay home I don’t work, and yet Im still jsut a girlfriend. Im afraid to stay because I know I will always feel an empty space in my life! Im afraid to leave because my daughter loves her daddy and sister so much, I am afraid of what it would do to her! So do I stay and find another way to fill the empty space, or do I move on with my life with my wonderful daughter! What would some of you do if your husband or bf refused you another child? Thanks andrea
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -ANDREA wrote: > It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but now I have a lot more to say I > guess. > I am 27 years old I have one bio daughter 2 and one sort of step > daughter 10 (there father and I are not legally married) we’ve been > together for 41/2 years. I call her step daughter and she calls me step > mom. > Well I’ve reached that point in my life where I need more fullfillness, > I want another child! My bf-husband what ever you want to call it, > absolutley refuses to let me have another, he says he just don’t feel > right about it, he said I already have my two children, I don’t want to > sound selffish but damnit it’s my life too! He has said some pretty > hurtful things to me over the last few years that I just can’t shake out > of my head, for starters, he wouldn’t even give our daughter his last > name, he told me in the hospital the day she was born "give her your > name so if you ever gt married her name will change too" the only way > her name will change is if she is adopted! He told me a year later > (still living together mind you) " I don’t love you"! Granted that has > change now, he makes it a point to tell me, but those words still haunt > the heart if you know what I mean! > So, Im not sure what I want to do, he refuses to give me another child > which I so desperately want, do I just deal with it and move on, or do I > leave and try to full fill my life. I have all the duties of a house > wife I stay home I don’t work, and yet Im still jsut a girlfriend. > Im afraid to stay because I know I will always feel an empty space in my > life! Im afraid to leave because my daughter loves her daddy and sister > so much, I am afraid of what it would do to her! So do I stay and find > another way to fill the empty space, or do I move on with my life with > my wonderful daughter! > What would some of you do if your husband or bf refused you another > child? > Thanks > andrea
My first question to myself would be *why* do I want another child? Is it to fill an emptiness? Is it because I’m not happy and think that maybe another baby will make me happy? Is it because I want someone who will love me unconditionally? Once you’ve asked yourself these questions and answered them *honestly*, you’ll be more prepared to look further into what is going on in your life. — Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way – – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
Consider how the *child* will feel, tied to a parent that didn’t want him/her. My two cents: DO NOT get married before you resolve this, unless you are truly okay with not having another child. In my experience, people rarely change their minds about this and really mean it. As difficult as it might be, ending the relationship now would be a lot easier in the long run. Think about it: you could end up with an "ex from hell". — gail – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Geri and Brian wrote: > If you really want more children, for whatever reason, then it may be time to > move on to another relationship. I don’t intend this to be mean, but consider > how your DH would feel being tied for the next two decades to an unwanted > child.
Response:
We have discussed every aspect there is about having another child, even finances, we make over 60,000 a year, have a nice home low morgage, both of us have decent cars with low payments, and not alot of house hold bill, financially there is no reason why we can’t have another. And he still refuses, and I don’t understand why. Some one made the coment about siblings not being very close, some siblings don’t turn out to be close, but me and my siblings are very close and same with husband and he is the only son of 4! Every day when my SD leaves for school, I see the loneliness in my daughter, she has no one to play with but me, and sometimes I can’t play all day because I have a house to tend to, but I do try my best, sure when my daughter starts school she will have friends, but some friends come and go, siblings are there for ever when needed, or at least they should be. What if she comes to me when she is 10 or so and says " mommy why don’t I have a little brother or sister" what do I tell her, daddy didn’t want another! andrea
Response:
ANDREA wrote in message
<17087-3ACA8AF1-…@storefull-625.iap.bryant.webtv.net>… <<What if she comes to me when she is 10 or so and says " mommy why don’t I have a little brother or sister" what do I tell her, daddy didn’t want another! << If she asks, tell her exactly that!! If you want another and do that, its great, and I salute you. If you are doing it for your daughter, I would think hard about it, not saying its the wrong reason for you, but it would be for me.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -ANDREA wrote: > We have discussed every aspect there is about having another child, even > finances, > we make over 60,000 a year, have a nice home low morgage, both of us > have decent cars with low payments, and not alot of house hold bill, > financially there is no reason why we can’t have another. And he still > refuses, and I don’t understand why. > Some one made the coment about siblings not being very close, some > siblings don’t turn out to be close, but me and my siblings are very > close and same with husband and he is the only son of 4! > Every day when my SD leaves for school, I see the loneliness in my > daughter, she has no one to play with but me, and sometimes I can’t play > all day because I have a house to tend to, but I do try my best, sure > when my daughter starts school she will have friends, but some friends > come and go, siblings are there for ever when needed, or at least they > should be. What if she comes to me when she is 10 or so and says " > mommy why don’t I have a little brother or sister" what do I tell her, > daddy didn’t want another! > andrea
When we got married and our two youngest decided we needed to have a baby together, we just told them it wasn’t happenin’. They asked why once or twice, we explained to them a bit of our reasoning. They’ve been fine with it since. — Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way – – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
In article <17087-3ACA8AF1-…@storefull-625.iap.bryant.webtv.net>, ANDREA <KOOLMOM…@webtv.net> wrote: >should be. What if she comes to me when she is 10 or so and says " >mommy why don’t I have a little brother or sister" what do I tell her, >daddy didn’t want another!
If that’s the reason, why not? If she wants to know why he didn’t, let him explain. Wendy
Response:
It seems that you "know" the answer to your question. If SO doesn’t want anymore children, and you intend to live the rest of your life with him, then, no you shouldn’t plan on another child. Period. Your SO is telling you, bluntly & directly, that he wants no more children. If you love him, then you will respect his feelings about that. Now, if you cannot accept his terms, and you feel so strongly about your maternal *need*, then you need to plan to find someone else who shares your feelings about children, siblings, etc. I think that it’s only fair, however, to point out that it is "normal" for most women to have these waves of desire for children….they tend to come and go periodically as we and our children get older. Perhaps you should wait out your wave and see how strongly you feel about this issue on the downswing. — Didi Mother of 4, Step-mother of 1 "A dead thing can go with the stream, only a living thing can go against it" G.K. Chesterton icq# 104247065 "ANDREA" <KOOLMOM…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:17087-3AC93F5F-41@storefull-625.iap.bryant.webtv.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but now I have a lot more to say I > guess. > I am 27 years old I have one bio daughter 2 and one sort of step > daughter 10 (there father and I are not legally married) we’ve been > together for 41/2 years. I call her step daughter and she calls me step > mom. > Well I’ve reached that point in my life where I need more fullfillness, > I want another child! My bf-husband what ever you want to call it, > absolutley refuses to let me have another, he says he just don’t feel > right about it, he said I already have my two children, I don’t want to > sound selffish but damnit it’s my life too! He has said some pretty > hurtful things to me over the last few years that I just can’t shake out > of my head, for starters, he wouldn’t even give our daughter his last > name, he told me in the hospital the day she was born "give her your > name so if you ever gt married her name will change too" the only way > her name will change is if she is adopted! He told me a year later > (still living together mind you) " I don’t love you"! Granted that has > change now, he makes it a point to tell me, but those words still haunt > the heart if you know what I mean! > So, Im not sure what I want to do, he refuses to give me another child > which I so desperately want, do I just deal with it and move on, or do I > leave and try to full fill my life. I have all the duties of a house > wife I stay home I don’t work, and yet Im still jsut a girlfriend. > Im afraid to stay because I know I will always feel an empty space in my > life! Im afraid to leave because my daughter loves her daddy and sister > so much, I am afraid of what it would do to her! So do I stay and find > another way to fill the empty space, or do I move on with my life with > my wonderful daughter! > What would some of you do if your husband or bf refused you another > child? > Thanks > andrea
Response:
>If the other lady got pregnant to save a marriage that was never going >to happen in the first place, then sorry about her luck, I do however >feel for the child, but we do plan to be married soon,
That was what she thought, too. ~~~~~~~~~~ Geri ^ ^ > ’ ’ < "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."- Anonymous ~~~~~~~~~~
Response:
Brian just told me to add in his two cents worth about this: If your DH says he doesn’t want any more children, believe him. If you get pregnant anyway, and that is his mindset, plan on having him resent you (or worse) forever. You should probably consider how you will support and manage two children as a single parent, because it could be a distinctly possible outcome. If you really want more children, for whatever reason, then it may be time to move on to another relationship. I don’t intend this to be mean, but consider how your DH would feel being tied for the next two decades to an unwanted child. ~~~~~~~~~~ Geri ^ ^ > ’ ’ < "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."- Anonymous ~~~~~~~~~~
Response:
<<we do plan to be married soon, Im just trying to figure out what it is in life I want and need, and not only for myself but for my daughter as well. I am by far selfish, and wanting another child is not selfish, I don’t want it to save my marriage, I have given this alot of thought, and sometimes women are not satisfied with just one child. The only excuse he gives me is " I have my two"! Well, I would like to have two as well!>> I suggest that before you get married that you work out your differences. It is perfectly normal to want more than one child and to desire to have grandchildren one day. I have also had those kind of feelings. I have 5 bio-children and 3 SK’s. But, if your future husband is saying that he absolutely doesn’t want anymore kids, I would seriously look into the reason why, not just because he has "his two", I think it may be deeper than that. But that’s just my opinion. He may be afraid of the financial aspect of it or something else?? If you could talk to him or see if he would go to counseling with you, maybe you could work it out together. Best of luck to you! Beth
Response:
In a previous article, Pryttygir…@webtv.net (Just Me) said: <I suggest that before you get married that you work out your <differences. It is perfectly normal to want more than one child and to <desire to have grandchildren one day. I have also had those kind of <feelings. I have 5 bio-children and 3 SK’s. <But, if your future husband is saying that he absolutely doesn’t want <anymore kids, I would seriously look into the reason why, not just <because he has "his two", I think it may be deeper than that. But that’s <just my opinion. He may be afraid of the financial aspect of it or <something else?? If you could talk to him or see if he would go to <counseling with you, maybe you could work it out together. Best of luck <to you! It doesn’t have to be more than simply not wanting to go through it all again. I have two kids of my own, I loved them to death when they were babies and toddlers, and I never want to do it again. My DH loves his two girls to distraction too, and was *very* definite when we married that his two were the only two he intended to have. It’s not necessarily something that will yield to rational analysis, and it doens’t have to. People have the right to determine their own reproductive values, without having to justify them. The problem happens when two committed partners have very strong, opposed wants. Someone has to give and there is bound to be some resentment. To me, this is a deal breaker. This is an issue that is important enough to end a relationship over. THe OP may feel differently, but if her SO is adamant, she may have to decide between him and another child. She may not be able to have both. And he’s not being unfair in sticking to his guns; this is not a lightly made decision, either way. Vicki — Family and Divorce Mediation Resources http://xcski.com/~mediator/
Response:
There is more to wanting a child than just fullfillment, and if you would read the followng post I made you would see that. If I wanted a damn gold fish I would buy a damn gold fish, I have a cat! If the other lady got pregnant to save a marriage that was never going to happen in the first place, then sorry about her luck, I do however feel for the child, but we do plan to be married soon, Im just trying to figure out what it is in life I want and need, and not only for myself but for my daughter as well. I am by far selfish, and wanting another child is not selfish, I don’t want it to save my marriage, I have given this alot of thought, and sometimes women are not satisfied with just one child. The only excuse he gives me is " I have my two"! Well, I would like to have two as well!
Response:
You have the strangest friends… slw1963 <shhhha…@primary.net> wrote in message
news:h9oy6.2161$Ib.225116@news1.primary.net…
Response:
ROFL…she isnt a friend anymore….this is the same "friend" who, when I told her me and ex were divorced, and I was now with DH, her first questions was "So, when are you and ex getting back together?" – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -merrie wrote in message <9ad6cj$sa…@allhats.xcski.com>… >You have the strangest friends… >slw1963 <shhhha…@primary.net> wrote in message >news:h9oy6.2161$Ib.225116@news1.primary.net…
Response:
I don’t know if anyone here can actually help you with your questions. Only you have these answers. I’m sorry you are in this dilemma. It certainly is one of the toughest situations. Sometimes it helps to do projections – what if’s. I guess I’m a pessimist because I project the worst that can happen with any given choice and then think about whether or not I could live with it. Good luck Andrea, Merrie ANDREA <KOOLMOM…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:17087-3AC93F5F-41@storefull-625.iap.bryant.webtv.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but now I have a lot more to say I > guess. > I am 27 years old I have one bio daughter 2 and one sort of step > daughter 10 (there father and I are not legally married) we’ve been > together for 41/2 years. I call her step daughter and she calls me step > mom. > Well I’ve reached that point in my life where I need more fullfillness, > I want another child! My bf-husband what ever you want to call it, > absolutley refuses to let me have another, he says he just don’t feel > right about it, he said I already have my two children, I don’t want to > sound selffish but damnit it’s my life too!
Response:
>My first question to myself would be *why* do I want another child? Is >it to fill an emptiness? Is it because I’m not happy and think that >maybe another baby will make me happy? Is it because I want someone who >will love me unconditionally?
That is very good advice. IMO, it is extremely selfish to have a child just for personal fulfillment or to fill a void in your own life. Get a goldfish. To the OP, you are in the position that reminds me of my SD’s biomother when she met my husband. He didn’t love her, never did want to marry her and never wanted children with her. By the time he was able to extricate himself from the relationship, she was already pregnant. So he stayed in a loveless relationship, though he would mouth the words periodically to shut her up. At least with your DH, you have been honest regarding your desire to have a baby, though. But, in any case, my husband told BM at the time (and she also had two children) some similar things to what your DH has told you. (She was a working mom, but wanted to be a SAH mom.) My advice to you is to believe your DH when he says these things. The end result in my husband’s case was that BM got pregnant with SD, had the baby against my husband’s wishes, and ultimately my husband went ahead and left her anyway and married someone he wanted to be married to (me). The consequence is that we have SD, a kid with brain damage, who has all kinds of problems, who gets shuffled back and forth between two households every week, who has two parents who hate each other and is probably getting royally f***ed up in the process. Was it a blessing this child was born just because BM was feeling her biological clock ticking and wanted to reproduce? ~~~~~~~~~~ Geri ^ ^ > ’ ’ < "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."- Anonymous ~~~~~~~~~~
Response:
Andrea, It seems to me that you have alot more issues to deal with than having another child. At one time in my life, I felt like another child would make my relationship with 1st dh be a better one(at the time he and I only lived together). I was very wrong. I was looking for my fulfillment in another child, just like you are. But, honestly, you can’t make yourself happy just by having more children. I suggest that you see a counselor and get to the heart of the matter. It’s never easy to leave someone when you have a child with them(speaking from personal experience). But, you need to look at your entire situation(which a counselor can help you do) and see what is best for you to do. I hope that things get better for you. And feel free to email me anytime if you need to talk. Beth
Response:
I have asked myself all of these questions, and you know some ppl just prefer to have more than one child! Despite some of the bad things that has happend in our relationship we still love each other very much, and Im happy with my life and the way things are going, but I feel like having another child is the right thing to do! Me wanting another child just isn’t for me, I want my daughter to know the experience of have a sibbling bond, and I don’t want her to grow up alone, granted she has a 1/2 sister but there is 8 years difference between the two of them. Did you know that a lot of kids that grow up alone, decide as an adult not to have children. Aren’t most women supposed to look forward to being a grandmother after they have raised thier own children. I know I look forward to it, and Im only 27. What if my only child grows up and don’t want any children of her own, then what? What if something should happen and she can’t have kids of her own? Im not only looking at me but my daughter as well.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -ANDREA wrote: > I have asked myself all of these questions, and you know some ppl just > prefer to have more than one child! Despite some of the bad things that > has happend in our relationship we still love each other very much, and > Im happy with my life and the way things are going, but I feel like > having another child is the right thing to do! Me wanting another > child just isn’t for me, I want my daughter to know the experience of > have a sibbling bond, and I don’t want her to grow up alone, granted she > has a 1/2 sister but there is 8 years difference between the two of > them. Did you know that a lot of kids that grow up alone, decide as an > adult not to have children. Aren’t most women supposed to look forward > to being a grandmother after they have raised thier own children. I > know I look forward to it, and Im only 27. What if my only child grows > up and don’t want any children of her own, then what? What if something > should happen and she can’t have kids of her own? Im not only looking > at me but my daughter as well.
It’s fine to want more than one child. Heaven knows I wanted more than one. However, my first husband didn’t. And I’m very glad that I didn’t find myself a single mom to more than one child. It was hard enough with just the one. If your relationship is in trouble, now isn’t the time to have another child, IMO. Fix the relationship first. Even the best relationships have problems, but if those problems are such that the relationship is in trouble, is it fair to bring another child into the mix? I got lucky. My first husband and I split up, I spent a few years as a single mom, then I met the man who is perfect for me. He has three children from previous marriages, all of whom he had/has custody of (oldest is now in college). So now I’m mom to three children, my son and his two youngest, and on good terms with the child who is away at college. We won’t be having any more children. Four’s enough. But YS now has two siblings to play with and an older sibling to get to know when we’re not in seperate states. I’d advise that you work with what you’ve got, fix the problems you have, and *then* consider the possibility of having another child. But if *he* doesn’t want another child, it would be wrong of you to force another child on him. If you did so, he might resent the child because of your actions, *not* a good thing. — Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way – – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
I have one daughter who is 11. I never even really thought about having another, until one day, when BD was about 7, a "friend" of mine who is unable to have children, decided I was scum of the earth to be able to have kids and not give my BD a brother or sister, and how dare I do that to her, and how can I deprive her of siblings, and she is going to be alone forever and blah blah blah. She had me feeling so bad, I started thinking maybe I should have another child. But then it dawned on me…..A WOMAN DOES NOT HAVE A CHILD FOR THE BENEFIT OF ANYONE BUT HER AND HER MATE! Certainly not for the only child, and DEFINATELY not for the friend who is jealous! My BD will not be alone, she will have friends, hopefully a husband and kids of her own IF SHE WANTS THEM! Having a sibling does not necessarily mean they will be there for each other in the future! I have two sisters and while it’s nice to know they are there, we are not the best of friends. I also realized for myself, that if I didnt really want another child, and if I had one for her sake, who would I eventually resent more, the first or 2nd born??? Or the friend who "demanded" I have another? I also realized there was nothing wrong with having one and giving her my all. My opinions only…for what they are worth. Didn’t mean to yell but when I think about what my "friend" said to me, I still get mad. Sharon
Response:
Filed under: Loneliness
Leave a Comment
XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
TrackBack URL | RSS feed for comments on this post.