Lonely Loneliness

Will having a girlfriend make everything better?

Question:

cav <dreamofthedarks…@yahoo.com> wrote: > Yes, I’ve discoverd that having a girlfriend does in fact make a huge > differnce. And while not *everyhting* is better, is sure does seem to > help…  its like a whole level of stress gets removed (traded for > different kinds of stress) and it goes a long way towards building > self confindence, and gives a sort of moral support for other "shy" > situations.  Its like whatever else is crappy in your life, you’ve > always got your girlfriend.

And it seems like not having one is an additional pusishment.  IE, all these crappy things are happening to me and I don’t even have a girlfriend.  The fact is, having someone who we can relate to, who we feel cares for us on an emotional level, especially if they don’t HAVE TO (IE parents, friends, family, etc.) is an very positive thing to have in our lives (or so I presume it would be anyway).

Response:

After hearing some statistics in one of my classes, here’s a complete entry I wrote in my webjournal earlier this year: (actually the first 2-3 paragraphs are only relevant.. the rest I just thought others here might be able to relate to.) — Did you know that statistically, married men live longer than single men… but married women don’t live as long as single ones? Maybe you did, but there’s more… women may not benefit in that way from close relationships with men, but they DO live longer if they have close bonds with other women. damn, men do squat for your health. I guess that can be kind of amusing to know.  Women are like, healers. Boy, do I need one. Makes me feel kinda guilty though. I mean what place do I have, wanting to gain the company of a kind and beautiful female, when all I’m gonna do is suck the frickin’ life out of her? And I’m not joking here… I can seriously see that happening. I have like, nothing to offer. How selfish. Maybe it’s for the best that I not pursue anyone. Because of this, I didn’t feel like smiling at anyone today… just wanted to go about my business, and leave people alone. No hopes, no desires, no intentions, and no expectations from me. Don’t try, don’t hope. If people (whether female or male) wanna seal their fate by associating with me, then let them come on their own. — To mean and other women alike, Women are magic  Crazy as it sounds, this I do believe to at least some degree.  Well, even though it’s not really *magic*. For me also, having a girlfriend gave me a feeling of validity as a male of the species.  I’m sure it works both ways to varying degrees. But if a guy feels more like a man, he’ll be more inclined to act like one… where in most societies it seems being a "man" is NOT being shy. Of course there are girlfriends who will demasculate(?) their man, but we’re disregarding those ‘bad’ relationships for this discussion  :)

Response:

> And I think the primary point the book tries to make is that love-shy men > know all too well that, because love and companionship has been missing > for so long from their lives, the rest of their quality of life is > severely diminished.   > This is a point that I think has been missed very frequently on this > newsgroup and others.  Shy/lonely/love-deprived men (or women for that > matter) do not want a boy/girlfriend because they think it will solve > their problems OR because they think it will make them look less freakish > to the rest of society; they want a boy/girlfriend because they have a > genuine need for love and companionship, as all humans do.

Mike, I totally agree with you on this one.  I think there is a possibility that they might not "know all too well" that a large part of it a caring relationship that is needed, and hence we have a bunch of people looking for answers in other places(i.e. trying to get over shyness in public preformances, thinking it will help them overall).  And it is that genunine need for love/companionship, as you pointed out, that I have felt Gilmartin has picked up on beautifully in his book.  He’s willing to go out and say it, while many others in the professional field look beyond it. > > So maybe when I decided to go one step at a time and I ought to > > concentrate on developing my social life and friendships before worrying > > about getting a girlfriend, I was going about things in the wrong order. > Actually, I think you could go about looking for friendships and > relationships with equal amounts of effort.  I know people who have > gotten into relationships with or without a significant amount of > friends or social life.

I also agree that friends/companionships are important.  They provide that support that many socially isolated shys miss.  And it is important to go about them equally to get what you want.  This is also a point which Gilmartin drives home in his book, that ‘love-shy’s’ can’t get what they want and so dearly cherish due to shyness.  The whole idea the ‘Felt-Deprevation’ concept in Chapter 5 is a great look into the idea of the suffering caused by being prevented from something wanted so long that it preoccupies your mind and ultimately brings down everything else around you. Justin

Response:

ol…@wafflers.com (Ollie B) wrote in message <news:memo.20011019195151.61755I@tup.metronet.co.uk>… > On 19 Oct 2001 10:27:09 -0700, dreamofthedarks…@yahoo.com (cav) wrote: > > It does, in fact, "just happen".  The only thing you can do is go out > > and meet a lot of women. > I do meet a fair number of women, but nothing "just happens". The > impression I get from books and what people have told me about how they > got into relationships is that in the vast majority of cases the man has > to *make* something happen, and I’ve really no idea how to go about that, > and none of the books and shit seem to help because they never seem to > apply to the precise situations that I find myself in.

In almost any situation: lean forward, use a wide stance, smile a genuine smile, make eye contact, talk confidently and about something interesting to your audience (both of which aren’t easy) – and be physically attractive to her, which is the hardest part. If you want more specific advice, describe the situations in which you become involved.  We’re here to help.

Response:

Ollie B <ol…@wafflers.com> wrote in message

news:memo.20011019133311.61755F@tup.metronet.co.uk… > It’s a question that’s come up before, generally in the context of "why do > so many men in the group just whine about not being able to get a > girlfriend – do they think if they get a girlfriend everything will > suddenly be better?"

Better than thinking it’s impossible for anyone to be interested in you? Better than the pain of knowing there is no one out there for you? Better than being awkward, stupid and uncomfortable around all women because you’ve never been close to one? Better than feeling like a complete loser that no one cares about? Better than being embarassed because all your friends and family know what a loser you are because you can’t get (and have never had) a girlfriend? Better than never connecting with another human being in any meaningful way? Better than not being able to attain something that’s within the grasp of every other fuckwit and idiot one the planet except you? Better than hating yourself and everyone else for everything you’re missing out on? Better than being so tired of being alone that you want to curl up and die? Yeah, I guess that might be better… > So maybe when I decided to go one step at a time and I ought to > concentrate on developing my social life and friendships before worrying > about getting a girlfriend, I was going about things in the wrong order.

Maybe simultanious development would be best.  Realize that the more people you meet and the more socially acceptable you become, the better your chances of getting a girlfriend.  And don’t assume that every girl you talk to is going to be a potential girlfriend, this will put less pressure on you. > Trouble is, I really can’t – in spite of reading "all the books" (i.e., a > fairly hefty cross-section of them) – envisage how to go about getting a > girlfriend, unless it "just happens"

With most of my friends, it "just happened".  I kept waiting for it to "just happen" to me and it never did.  It only "just happens" to good looking people.  If you’re average or below, you’re gonna have to TRY to make it happen.

Response:

Some say you attract people similar to you – however this poses a problem as I don’t want to attract people that are similar to how I am now – i.e. unhappy miserable people

Response:

Oren Eilam <o…@post.tau.ac.il> wrote in news:3BD08977.F7CA7417@post.tau.ac.il: > 1womanscyberpersona wrote: >> Some say you attract people similar to you – however this poses a >> problem as I don’t want to attract people that are similar to how I am >> now – i.e. unhappy miserable people > minus * minus = plus!

But if you have two imaginary friends, that’s a negative?

Response:

Ollie, Just one quick note.  I don’t think Gilmartin is saying that a girlfriend will make EVERYTHING better, but I think he’s saying that a caring loving relationship  will help out alot.  It is important to note that Gilmartin says that it must be a GENUINE love relationship, not just getting  a girlfriend for the sake of it. Read the section in Chapter 1: Viewing Love as a Cureall, it talks alot about your question. Justin – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Ollie B wrote: > It’s a question that’s come up before, generally in the context of "why do > so many men in the group just whine about not being able to get a > girlfriend – do they think if they get a girlfriend everything will > suddenly be better?" – and I’ve usually thought, no, I’d like a girlfriend > but there are many other problems in my life and I realise that having a > girlfriend would not make it all better, I’d still have to work just as > hard on the other things. > But after reading the latest excerpts that Justin has put up on his site > from the Shyness & Love book, it looks as though research supports the > viewpoint that having a girlfriend *will*, in fact, make everything > better, inasmuch as it will improve one’s overall outlook on life, > increase one’s ability to get things done, and make one more socially > acceptable in general. > So maybe when I decided to go one step at a time and I ought to > concentrate on developing my social life and friendships before worrying > about getting a girlfriend, I was going about things in the wrong order. > Trouble is, I really can’t – in spite of reading "all the books" (i.e., a > fairly hefty cross-section of them) – envisage how to go about getting a > girlfriend, unless it "just happens", which would be nice but which (if > past experience is any guide) will happen once every 15 years at most, and > might not lead to anything lasting even then. Well, only 11 years to go to > find out if the next one works out, then. > Ollie

Response:

Depends. If you find the miracle girl who genuinely likes you for you and appreciates you and you can love each other… who knows. If you find some slut who thinks she’s doing you a favour by going out with you, and will basically use you till you’re just a husk of a man… well, no.

Response:

Can money buy happiness? No, but it helps. I’m married, but still shy..Not shy at all around my wife.. Still somewhat shy around attractive women (except my wife) and aggressive people that are out to try to humiliate you…(up to a point, then I just get pissed and tell ‘em to get fucked, unless there’s like five of them intent on provocation so they can kick my ass or something, then I’ll just walk away) Not very shy one-on-one or in structured social interactions but pretty shy in unstructured group social activities when there’s not a person there I know I can sort of latch on to to prevent from being alone and not talking to anyone even as everyone else is busy chatting.. But in all these things definitely less shy/ more confident that if I wasn’t married, knowing my wife will always be there (as long as I don’t fuck it up) definitely increases confidence, but it definitely doesn’t turn you into mr. outgoing

Response:

William Parker wrote: > Oren Eilam <o…@post.tau.ac.il> wrote in > news:3BD08977.F7CA7417@post.tau.ac.il: > > 1womanscyberpersona wrote: > >> Some say you attract people similar to you – however this poses a > >> problem as I don’t want to attract people that are similar to how I am > >> now – i.e. unhappy miserable people > > minus * minus = plus! > But if you have two imaginary friends, that’s a negative?

no, that’s 0*0=0, but is that your situation right now?

Response:

"Oren Eilam" <o…@post.tau.ac.il> wrote in message

news:3BD08977.F7CA7417@post.tau.ac.il… > 1womanscyberpersona wrote: > > Some say you attract people similar to you – however this poses a problem as > > I don’t want to attract people that are similar to how I am now – i.e. > > unhappy miserable people > minus * minus = plus!

true, but the equation that applies here is a sum not a product minus + minus = double minus

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Matt wrote: > "Oren Eilam" <o…@post.tau.ac.il> wrote in message > news:3BD08977.F7CA7417@post.tau.ac.il… > > 1womanscyberpersona wrote: > > > Some say you attract people similar to you – however this poses a > problem as > > > I don’t want to attract people that are similar to how I am now – i.e. > > > unhappy miserable people > > minus * minus = plus! > true, but the equation that applies here is a sum not a product > minus + minus = double minus

That’s a rather pessimistic view. I guess it depends on other conditions, which equation applies better. Do you have any idea what they are?

Response:

On Fri, 19 Oct 2001 19:51 +0100 (BST), ol…@wafflers.com (Ollie B) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->On Fri, 19 Oct 2001 15:32:55 GMT, mcollie…@earthlink.net () wrote: >> It CAN, but it doesn’t guarantee it.  Alot depends on the woman you’re >> with.  If she’s great and what you are looking for, then this theory >> is on track.  If not then you can feel worse like ‘I finally get what >> I wanted and I’m still not happy, what IS wrong with me?!?’. >Well obviously having a *bad* girlfriend isn’t likely to help… >Also I realised when I talk about making "everything" better, it might >sound like I mean, get a girlfriend and everything else in your life will >just fall right into place. I don’t expect there not to still be lots of >work to do, but judging from what that book says, as well as other replies >to this thread (and, now that I think about it, from what I’ve seen when >other people I know have got a good girlfriend after being single or in a >bad relationship for a while), it looks as though it is one of the major >things which will *contribute* towards things getting better, i.e., that >it will make most things, if not everything, better *to some extent*. >Anyway, I’ve lost count of the number of times people who know me have >said "you need a girlfriend." And there always seems to be a slight air of >smugness, like they’ve done me a great favour by identifying what I need >and letting me know, and an implied suggestion of "why don’t you get a >girlfriend?" like it’s my decision not to, and all I would need to do >would be to say "OK, I’ll get a girlfriend then," and one would magically >fall into my lap.

If you have low self-esteem, a girlfriend is obviously a big plus, but it’s no guarantee to be a magically pick-up.  If you DO get a girlfriend, my advice is to stay active with your friends as much as possible, and also meet HER friends, and plan activities with them as well.

Response:

From: "Estabaco" <estab…@aol.com> > Can money buy happiness? No, but it helps. > I’m married, but still shy..Not shy at all around my wife.. > Still somewhat shy around attractive women (except my wife) and aggressive > people that are out to try to humiliate you…(up to a point, then I just get > pissed and tell ‘em to get fucked, unless there’s like five of them intent on > provocation so they can kick my ass or something, then I’ll just walk away)

Heh. > Not very shy one-on-one or in structured social interactions but pretty shy in > unstructured group social activities when there’s not a person there I know I > can sort of latch on to to prevent from being alone and not talking to anyone > even as everyone else is busy chatting..

I used to feel pretty bad in such situations.  (I never described that well here).  Over the past year, I have much improved.  Now, as long as I feel welcome to participate, if I so desire, I do not feel bad. I suppose my improved approachability has given me more confidence that I will not be rejected.  Interestingly, my fear of being rejected seems silly now; after being welcome into some groups, I’ve come to realize (as I guess I did when I was in junior high/early high school and on the outskirts of a social group) that most conversations are stupid.  I would rather avoid them than have to give fake smiles and nods while struggling to exit them in a polite manner.  My own thoughts are far more interesting to me > But in all these things definitely less shy/ more confident that if I wasn’t > married, knowing my wife will always be there (as long as I don’t fuck it up) > definitely increases confidence, but it definitely doesn’t turn you into mr. > outgoing

God forbid marriage would turn introverts into extraverts

Response:

It’s a question that’s come up before, generally in the context of "why do so many men in the group just whine about not being able to get a girlfriend – do they think if they get a girlfriend everything will suddenly be better?" – and I’ve usually thought, no, I’d like a girlfriend but there are many other problems in my life and I realise that having a girlfriend would not make it all better, I’d still have to work just as hard on the other things. But after reading the latest excerpts that Justin has put up on his site from the Shyness & Love book, it looks as though research supports the viewpoint that having a girlfriend *will*, in fact, make everything better, inasmuch as it will improve one’s overall outlook on life, increase one’s ability to get things done, and make one more socially acceptable in general. So maybe when I decided to go one step at a time and I ought to concentrate on developing my social life and friendships before worrying about getting a girlfriend, I was going about things in the wrong order. Trouble is, I really can’t – in spite of reading "all the books" (i.e., a fairly hefty cross-section of them) – envisage how to go about getting a girlfriend, unless it "just happens", which would be nice but which (if past experience is any guide) will happen once every 15 years at most, and might not lead to anything lasting even then. Well, only 11 years to go to find out if the next one works out, then. Ollie

Response:

On Fri, 19 Oct 2001 13:33 +0100 (BST), ol…@wafflers.com (Ollie B) wrote: >It’s a question that’s come up before, generally in the context of "why do >so many men in the group just whine about not being able to get a >girlfriend – do they think if they get a girlfriend everything will >suddenly be better?" – and I’ve usually thought, no, I’d like a girlfriend >but there are many other problems in my life and I realise that having a >girlfriend would not make it all better, I’d still have to work just as >hard on the other things.

The answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went for a long time without dating anyone seriously, and all the while I told myself that if I found a girlfriend that everything would be ok.  Then I got a girlfriend and found out that this wasn’t the case.  You HAVE to be happy with yourself first, this is non-negotiable.   <But after reading the latest excerpts that Justin has put up on his site from the Shyness & Love book, it looks as though research supports the viewpoint that having a girlfriend *will*, in fact, make everything better, inasmuch as it will improve one’s overall outlook on life, increase one’s ability to get things done, and make one more socially acceptable in general.> It CAN, but it doesn’t guarantee it.  Alot depends on the woman you’re with.  If she’s great and what you are looking for, then this theory is on track.  If not then you can feel worse like ‘I finally get what I wanted and I’m still not happy, what IS wrong with me?!?’. Getting a girlfriend doesn’t automatically solve life’s problems. period.

Response:

ol…@wafflers.com (Ollie B) wrote in news:memo.20011019133311.61755F@tup.metronet.co.uk: > It’s a question that’s come up before, generally in the context of "why > do so many men in the group just whine about not being able to get a > girlfriend – do they think if they get a girlfriend everything will > suddenly be better?" – and I’ve usually thought, no, I’d like a > girlfriend but there are many other problems in my life and I realise > that having a girlfriend would not make it all better, I’d still have > to work just as hard on the other things.

It doesn’t solve every problem, but for me, it sure solved many of the most annoying ones:)  Those being the constant self doubt, and feelings of intense loneliness and frustration that I had become so accustomed to.  Of course, when I had a girlfriend, sometimes I wished I was actually a little less complacent, so I guess I can’t be satisfied:) But I really like the attitude that seems to be implied by parts of that book.  I shouldn’t have to think "I can get a girlfriend if I change this and this and this."  (Say, get more friends, become more outgoing, become more conventionally attractive, make more money, whatever)  I think I am a fine person right now, and there’s *always* more things about me that could be improved, so I think that sort of attitude just leads me to thinking more and more like I’m never really worthy. William

Response:

ol…@wafflers.com (Ollie B) wrote in message <news:memo.20011019133311.61755F@tup.metronet.co.uk>… > It’s a question that’s come up before, generally in the context of "why do > so many men in the group just whine about not being able to get a > girlfriend – do they think if they get a girlfriend everything will > suddenly be better?" – and I’ve usually thought, no, I’d like a girlfriend > but there are many other problems in my life and I realise that having a > girlfriend would not make it all better, I’d still have to work just as > hard on the other things.

Yes, I’ve discoverd that having a girlfriend does in fact make a huge differnce. And while not *everyhting* is better, is sure does seem to help…  its like a whole level of stress gets removed (traded for different kinds of stress) and it goes a long way towards building self confindence, and gives a sort of moral support for other "shy" situations.  Its like whatever else is crappy in your life, you’ve always got your girlfriend. > So maybe when I decided to go one step at a time and I ought to > concentrate on developing my social life and friendships before worrying > about getting a girlfriend, I was going about things in the wrong order.

Well, I wouldn’t worry about the order…  work on both at the same time. > Trouble is, I really can’t – in spite of reading "all the books" (i.e., a > fairly hefty cross-section of them) – envisage how to go about getting a > girlfriend, unless it "just happens", which would be nice but which (if > past experience is any guide) will happen once every 15 years at most, and > might not lead to anything lasting even then. Well, only 11 years to go to > find out if the next one works out, then.

It does, in fact, "just happen".  The only thing you can do is go out and meet a lot of women. cav

Response:

ol…@wafflers.com (Ollie B) wrote in message <news:memo.20011019133311.61755F@tup.metronet.co.uk>… > It’s a question that’s come up before, generally in the context of "why do > so many men in the group just whine about not being able to get a > girlfriend – do they think if they get a girlfriend everything will > suddenly be better?" – and I’ve usually thought, no, I’d like a girlfriend > but there are many other problems in my life and I realise that having a > girlfriend would not make it all better, I’d still have to work just as > hard on the other things. > But after reading the latest excerpts that Justin has put up on his site > from the Shyness & Love book, it looks as though research supports the > viewpoint that having a girlfriend *will*, in fact, make everything > better, inasmuch as it will improve one’s overall outlook on life, > increase one’s ability to get things done, and make one more socially > acceptable in general.

I think what you said in your first paragraph is valid. And I think the primary point the book tries to make is that love-shy men know all too well that, because love and companionship has been missing for so long from their lives, the rest of their quality of life is severely diminished.   This is a point that I think has been missed very frequently on this newsgroup and others.  Shy/lonely/love-deprived men (or women for that matter) do not want a boy/girlfriend because they think it will solve their problems OR because they think it will make them look less freakish to the rest of society; they want a boy/girlfriend because they have a genuine need for love and companionship, as all humans do. I’ve gotten defensive when people have suggested to me in the past that a girlfriend wasn’t going to solve all my problems.  I never thought it would.  I knew there was a HUGE hole in my life that SEVERELY affected my well-being, and that that hole was caused by a lack of companionship. And when I did finally get it for the first time, the result was exactly what I’d expected: the rest of my quality of life improved dramatically. Sure, I still had problems, but my well-being was soaring. > So maybe when I decided to go one step at a time and I ought to > concentrate on developing my social life and friendships before worrying > about getting a girlfriend, I was going about things in the wrong order.

Actually, I think you could go about looking for friendships and relationships with equal amounts of effort.  I know people who have gotten into relationships with or without a significant amount of friends or social life. > Trouble is, I really can’t – in spite of reading "all the books" (i.e., a > fairly hefty cross-section of them) – envisage how to go about getting a > girlfriend, unless it "just happens", which would be nice but which (if > past experience is any guide) will happen once every 15 years at most, and > might not lead to anything lasting even then. Well, only 11 years to go to > find out if the next one works out, then.

This kind of thinking will definitely prevent you from finding a girlfriend. It doesn’t "just happen", as I’ve learned, or it "just happens" so infrequently that you’re going to be doing an awful lot of waiting around. The only way I’m going to get a new girlfriend is to find her and ask her out.  Currently working on this…

Response:

On 19 Oct 2001 10:37:57 -0700, polep…@yahoo.com (Justin Urban) wrote: > Just one quick note.  I don’t think Gilmartin is saying that a > girlfriend will make EVERYTHING better, but I think he’s saying that a > caring loving relationship  will help out alot.

Yep, that’s what I meant. I think I covered this point, and the following one as well (i.e., a bad relationship won’t help), in my reply to mcollier. > It is important to note that Gilmartin says that it must be a GENUINE > love relationship, not just getting a girlfriend for the sake of it.

I think that was part of the problem of my one previous relationship, it was the first time any woman had ever shown any romantic interest in me and although I was fairly superficially attracted to her I think I was *more* attracted to the fact that here was the chance at last to be in a relationship. But we pretty soon ran out of things to talk about (at least, things that we were both interested in). I’ve had another look at that chapter, I hope you don’t mind if I quote some of the bits that are very relevant to this point: "On the basis of the evidence thus far cited, it should be clear that meaningful female companionship and love IS ITSELF A POWERFUL CAUSAL AGENT.  It is, in a word, a kind of medicine even for healthy men, much less for disordered ones!  The conclusion seems inescapable that many of the personal problems from which love-shy men suffer are due at least in part to the leading of isolated, loveless lives." and: "At the outset I would insist that it is inconceivable that involvement in a meaningful love relationship with a woman would not benefit a love-shy man, even to the point of ridding him of a significant portion of his many problems.  As the data presented in this book will make clear, almost all of a love-shy man’s problems are a direct result of love-shyness.  LOVE IS A CAUSE AS WELL AS A CONSEQUENCE.  Down through human history there has nearly always been a woman behind virtually every successful man.  Indeed, this is so true that it has become a popular cliche." and: "Is having someone to love a cure-all? Obviously not! Indeed, nothing can ever be viewed as a panacea for all life’s problems.  However, for the love-shy I would suggest that the obtaining of someone to love comes closer than anything else ever could to representing a potential near-panacea." Remember, this is not a shy man whining that his life is crap because he can’t get a girlfriend and that if he could everything would be great. This is a guy with a PhD in education, sociology, and psychology, with a large amount of research to back up his view that "for the love-shy [...] the obtaining of someone to love comes closer than anything else ever could to representing a potential near-panacea." I’d forgotten about that chapter, because it was one of the ones posted earlier, but it seems to make the point even more clearly than the ones I read just before starting this thread. Ollie

Response:

On 19 Oct 2001 10:27:09 -0700, dreamofthedarks…@yahoo.com (cav) wrote: > It does, in fact, "just happen".  The only thing you can do is go out > and meet a lot of women.

I do meet a fair number of women, but nothing "just happens". The impression I get from books and what people have told me about how they got into relationships is that in the vast majority of cases the man has to *make* something happen, and I’ve really no idea how to go about that, and none of the books and shit seem to help because they never seem to apply to the precise situations that I find myself in. Ollie

Response:

Ollie, Just one quick note.  I don’t think Gilmartin is saying that a girlfriend will make EVERYTHING better, but I think he’s saying that a caring loving relationship  will help out alot.  It is important to note that Gilmartin says that it must be a GENUINE love relationship, not just getting  a girlfriend for the sake of it. Read the section in Chapter 1: Viewing Love as a Cureall, it talks alot about your question. Justin

Response:

On Fri, 19 Oct 2001 15:32:55 GMT, mcollie…@earthlink.net () wrote: > It CAN, but it doesn’t guarantee it.  Alot depends on the woman you’re > with.  If she’s great and what you are looking for, then this theory > is on track.  If not then you can feel worse like ‘I finally get what > I wanted and I’m still not happy, what IS wrong with me?!?’.

Well obviously having a *bad* girlfriend isn’t likely to help… Also I realised when I talk about making "everything" better, it might sound like I mean, get a girlfriend and everything else in your life will just fall right into place. I don’t expect there not to still be lots of work to do, but judging from what that book says, as well as other replies to this thread (and, now that I think about it, from what I’ve seen when other people I know have got a good girlfriend after being single or in a bad relationship for a while), it looks as though it is one of the major things which will *contribute* towards things getting better, i.e., that it will make most things, if not everything, better *to some extent*. Anyway, I’ve lost count of the number of times people who know me have said "you need a girlfriend." And there always seems to be a slight air of smugness, like they’ve done me a great favour by identifying what I need and letting me know, and an implied suggestion of "why don’t you get a girlfriend?" like it’s my decision not to, and all I would need to do would be to say "OK, I’ll get a girlfriend then," and one would magically fall into my lap. Ollie

Response:

Filed under: Loneliness

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