Can't seem to get it
Question:
Tom wrote in message <#9VDSwAu#GA.296@cpmsnbbsa03>… >I know what you mean Tilt, I can’t imagine ever being able to really trust >someone again completely. I guess I could see myself in love, but it will >be much more reserved, less caring, but I am thinking that is not a bad >thing. If I cover my own butt and keep myself prepared for the worst then >maybe if something like this happens again it won’t be so devastating, but >thats what I told myself what I’d do when I first met her and time has a way >of making your convictions melt away. >If you cover your butt too much and keep being prepared for the worst you
can ruin a new relationship, believe me. Just don’t ask me how to prevent it. Nanny
Response:
Tilt writes>… >I find myself wondering if you are able to trust people now. I am >getting better about such, I hope. I had similar stuff happen to me >and I’ve been alone over two years now and I don’t expect I’ll ever >have a serious relationship ever again. I don’t know if I want to. >Tilt t…@vol.com
This is darn difficult Tilt. What is trusting another person. To my opinion it’s giving away something of me and just see what the other does with it. If all is treated nicely, I can give some more. In the long run, I am able to come to a conclusion "I trust that person", because of the way my words were treated. Than, on a certain moment, I could be confronted with the same words, used in a different sentence. Was this on purpose? Or was I misunderstood in the first place? Was I clear enough when I spoke? We all change. After seven years every cell in our body is replaced. Different taste for music, for food and drinks, even different taste for places to go. So what I believe in today, might be untrue for me after seven or more years. I don’t know the answers. Trust is a big word, like love is. Do I trust myself? I believe somewhere in this question is the answer for yours. But I don’t know. Am I trust worthy? I thought I was, but have proven towards myself I’m not. Could I expect somebody to trust me? You know, to my opinion, we *have* to trust the other, until proven not to be trusted. That’s why it’s such a problem. If the other person is worth while, to my senses, I give her/him my trust. Have to, I think. But if I’m right…? Frans
Response:
Tom, Jae is right about all this, listen to her. Welcome here, when I came here I felt the same as you, and being here has helped me a lot. Nanny – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -LadyJae wrote in message <3766C14A.DE853…@ccms.net>… >Posted and Mailed >Tom….I’m sorry you’re going through this. From what you’ve said here, it >seems to me that you helped her to "grow"…..to value herself and to have the >confidence and opportunity to find friends. She must have done a lot of growing >in a short time with your help. > There’s a couple of things here, Tom….one….when one person does a lot of >growing and their partner doesn’t grow right along with them, the partner often >gets left behind…in more ways than one. > The other point is that when someone is helping you, you are grateful to >them and feeling good because they are caring of you, and sometimes loving them >for it. But, it’s not the kind of love shared by "mates", even though one might >think it is at the time. > When the person that was helped grows enough, they can see that….so, this >woman might truly have loved you, but not in the way she thought or you need to >be loved. This most likely left her confused at first when she began to realize >that and then just drawing away from you because she didn’t know how to explain >it all to herself, let alone to you. > I think it’s a good idea that you’re going to see a therapist to help you >with this loss, Tom. I figure, right now, you’re sort of feeling used and >abused and that’s not a good way to be feeling. > While you’re working through this, I hope that you’ll stay here with us. We >have many wonderful and caring people in this group and most likely they’ll have >different opinions than mine and even some advice for you. Be welcome here, >Tom……Jae >Tom wrote: >> I think I have really hit the bottom of loneliness… I’ve been in a >> relationship for the last four years which now that I look back was damaging >> in alot of ways, but now that it is over I am left with nothing. I dated >> someone who was themselves very lonely, she had very few friends and the few >> that she had went away to school and just about forgot about her. I became >> her sole friend and the more time I spent with her the more she became my >> sole friend. I never have had many friends, alot of aquatinces, but not >> close friends. We primarily spent all our time together, we didn’t have any >> friends that we could go out with together. She became really dependent on >> me, but at the time I didn’t feel dependent on her. I encouraged her to go >> to college, to overcome her fears, helped her study.. She had a horrible >> tragedy in her family and I stood by her, I got her to see a therapist so >> she could work things out. I helped her move out of her parents house >> finally so she could live at school and live with roommates and on her own, >> something I felt was important if we were to move in together in the future. >> Then after valentines day this year she stopped seeing me, I noticed >> it more and more throughout January. Her and her roommates went out all the >> time, something she never did, they became really good friends which I >> thought was great because she never looked so sure of herself. She would >> not see me anymore but constantly tell me how much she loved me, then the >> phone calls stopped after awhile. I got horribly depressed about this, I >> didn’t know what to do, I would call her and ask to see her. She would tell >> me that she loved me but she could not see me, and why couldn’t I understand >> this. This went on and on, I cried way to much, it was like sometimes I >> could see her wanting to get close to me, then she would just hang up. I >> still don’t know what happened, 4 years and I have no idea what hit me. Its >> all over, the person I had hoped to marry, spent almost every day with has >> left me without saying anything. I guess she found someone else, I guess it >> is my fault for getting her to move out. >> It wasn’t like everything was perfect all the time, we had our problems, we >> fought at times. We had threatened to break up a few times in the past when >> things got rough, but we both believed in working things out. She always >> told me that she would never give up on our relationship, when at times I >> felt it might have been a good thing. but together we both felt that we >> could work anything out. And that is the hard thing, when she left me, we >> weren’t fighting, we weren’t in the middle of working things out. We were >> just us, she was at school and I was working and we went out on weekends and >> talked everyday on the phone. Then BAM! no more. >> I got a new job, a promotion, a new place and no one to share things with, I >> have been in this state of decay barely functioning… I am so alone that >> at times I don’t know how I live. I drink alot more now so I can go to >> sleep without crying, I run and work out so my body hurts all the time so I >> don’t think about her. I went back to church and prayed hoping that if God >> still cared he would help me feel better (or bring her back, but I know that >> is selfish). It is really bad because I have no one to talk to about this, >> I have tried my parents but the standard response is "I thought she was bad >> for you anyway".. The very few friends I have I am not close enough with to >> get as emotional as I do when I think about it.. I just had to get this off >> my chest, if I don’t I think my heart will explode. I am going to call a >> therapist tomorrow and arrange an appointment, I don’t know what to do, >> sooner or later something has got to give.. >> This will be the third long term relationship I have had where she leaves me >> with no explanation other than "I love you", both other ex’s have gotten in >> touch with me and apologized, one asked me to marry her 3 years later out of >> the blue. If she ever comes back to me and says she made a mistake I think I >> will shoot myself in the face. Nothing hurts more after ages of suffering >> than the futility of "I shouldn’t have done that". Why? Why me? I really >> don’t want to be in my shoes anymore, everyday it is a challenge to stay >> sane and non suicidal. >> Thanks for listening whoever read this, thank you >> Tom >> thand…@hotmail.com >– > "Real Friends are those who……. > When you’ve made a fool of yourself…… > Don’t think you’ve done a permanent job." > Erwin T. Randall
Response:
I know what you mean Tilt, I can’t imagine ever being able to really trust someone again completely. I guess I could see myself in love, but it will be much more reserved, less caring, but I am thinking that is not a bad thing. If I cover my own butt and keep myself prepared for the worst then maybe if something like this happens again it won’t be so devastating, but thats what I told myself what I’d do when I first met her and time has a way of making your convictions melt away.
Response:
Your welcome….It doesn’t sound stupid….I am glad I can be of help here…Take care, like so many have said to me, my mailbox is always open… Hugs Lin – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Tom wrote: > I want to thank you for your replies, when I first hit the button to post > this I was like "Oh my god, I can’t believe I did that". But From hearing > what you have to say all of a sudden it makes more sense, makes it a little > more bearable. I don’t feel as desperate as I have in a long time tonight. > You have both made me very welcome, and I don’t know how to say it other > than Thank you. I know this sounds stupid but I don’t feel as alone as I > did this afternoon just knowing that someone can relate and be caring to > someone they never met. Thank you again. > Tom
Response:
I find myself wondering if you are able to trust people now. I am getting better about such, I hope. I had similar stuff happen to me and I’ve been alone over two years now and I don’t expect I’ll ever have a serious relationship ever again. I don’t know if I want to. Tilt t…@vol.com
Response:
I want to thank you for your replies, when I first hit the button to post this I was like "Oh my god, I can’t believe I did that". But From hearing what you have to say all of a sudden it makes more sense, makes it a little more bearable. I don’t feel as desperate as I have in a long time tonight. You have both made me very welcome, and I don’t know how to say it other than Thank you. I know this sounds stupid but I don’t feel as alone as I did this afternoon just knowing that someone can relate and be caring to someone they never met. Thank you again. Tom
Response:
Tom wrote: > I want to thank you for your replies, when I first hit the button to post > this I was like "Oh my god, I can’t believe I did that". But From hearing > what you have to say all of a sudden it makes more sense, makes it a little > more bearable. I don’t feel as desperate as I have in a long time tonight. > You have both made me very welcome, and I don’t know how to say it other > than Thank you. I know this sounds stupid but I don’t feel as alone as I > did this afternoon just knowing that someone can relate and be caring to > someone they never met. Thank you again. > Tom
<smiling> It doesn’t sound stupid at all, Tom. That’s how this group makes a whole lot of us feel. You’re most welcome. Jae — "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day……. Teach him to use the Net……… And he won’t bother you for weeks."
Response:
Oh Tom I am really sorry for you. I know it is not much comfort, I do know how you feel. You work so hard to make a person feel better about herself and then when she does it turns out she doesn’t need you anymore. as little comfort as it may seem to you now, you helped her to be a better person. Love is such a strange thing. it takes us to places we don’t want to be, leaves ut with feelings we don’t want to feel.makes us do things we don’t want to do….At least that is what you are going through. I can’t take the pain away, I can only reach out and tell you you are not alone. many of us here have had these feelings. We know how you feel. Feel free to share your feelings, there are many here that can help you better than I can. Hugs Lin – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Tom wrote: > I think I have really hit the bottom of loneliness… I’ve been in a > relationship for the last four years which now that I look back was damaging > in alot of ways, but now that it is over I am left with nothing. I dated > someone who was themselves very lonely, she had very few friends and the few > that she had went away to school and just about forgot about her. I became > her sole friend and the more time I spent with her the more she became my > sole friend. I never have had many friends, alot of aquatinces, but not > close friends. We primarily spent all our time together, we didn’t have any > friends that we could go out with together. She became really dependent on > me, but at the time I didn’t feel dependent on her. I encouraged her to go > to college, to overcome her fears, helped her study.. She had a horrible > tragedy in her family and I stood by her, I got her to see a therapist so > she could work things out. I helped her move out of her parents house > finally so she could live at school and live with roommates and on her own, > something I felt was important if we were to move in together in the future. > Then after valentines day this year she stopped seeing me, I noticed > it more and more throughout January. Her and her roommates went out all the > time, something she never did, they became really good friends which I > thought was great because she never looked so sure of herself. She would > not see me anymore but constantly tell me how much she loved me, then the > phone calls stopped after awhile. I got horribly depressed about this, I > didn’t know what to do, I would call her and ask to see her. She would tell > me that she loved me but she could not see me, and why couldn’t I understand > this. This went on and on, I cried way to much, it was like sometimes I > could see her wanting to get close to me, then she would just hang up. I > still don’t know what happened, 4 years and I have no idea what hit me. Its > all over, the person I had hoped to marry, spent almost every day with has > left me without saying anything. I guess she found someone else, I guess it > is my fault for getting her to move out. > It wasn’t like everything was perfect all the time, we had our problems, we > fought at times. We had threatened to break up a few times in the past when > things got rough, but we both believed in working things out. She always > told me that she would never give up on our relationship, when at times I > felt it might have been a good thing. but together we both felt that we > could work anything out. And that is the hard thing, when she left me, we > weren’t fighting, we weren’t in the middle of working things out. We were > just us, she was at school and I was working and we went out on weekends and > talked everyday on the phone. Then BAM! no more. > I got a new job, a promotion, a new place and no one to share things with, I > have been in this state of decay barely functioning… I am so alone that > at times I don’t know how I live. I drink alot more now so I can go to > sleep without crying, I run and work out so my body hurts all the time so I > don’t think about her. I went back to church and prayed hoping that if God > still cared he would help me feel better (or bring her back, but I know that > is selfish). It is really bad because I have no one to talk to about this, > I have tried my parents but the standard response is "I thought she was bad > for you anyway".. The very few friends I have I am not close enough with to > get as emotional as I do when I think about it.. I just had to get this off > my chest, if I don’t I think my heart will explode. I am going to call a > therapist tomorrow and arrange an appointment, I don’t know what to do, > sooner or later something has got to give.. > This will be the third long term relationship I have had where she leaves me > with no explanation other than "I love you", both other ex’s have gotten in > touch with me and apologized, one asked me to marry her 3 years later out of > the blue. If she ever comes back to me and says she made a mistake I think I > will shoot myself in the face. Nothing hurts more after ages of suffering > than the futility of "I shouldn’t have done that". Why? Why me? I really > don’t want to be in my shoes anymore, everyday it is a challenge to stay > sane and non suicidal. > Thanks for listening whoever read this, thank you > Tom > thand…@hotmail.com
Response:
Posted and Mailed Tom….I’m sorry you’re going through this. From what you’ve said here, it seems to me that you helped her to "grow"…..to value herself and to have the confidence and opportunity to find friends. She must have done a lot of growing in a short time with your help. There’s a couple of things here, Tom….one….when one person does a lot of growing and their partner doesn’t grow right along with them, the partner often gets left behind…in more ways than one. The other point is that when someone is helping you, you are grateful to them and feeling good because they are caring of you, and sometimes loving them for it. But, it’s not the kind of love shared by "mates", even though one might think it is at the time. When the person that was helped grows enough, they can see that….so, this woman might truly have loved you, but not in the way she thought or you need to be loved. This most likely left her confused at first when she began to realize that and then just drawing away from you because she didn’t know how to explain it all to herself, let alone to you. I think it’s a good idea that you’re going to see a therapist to help you with this loss, Tom. I figure, right now, you’re sort of feeling used and abused and that’s not a good way to be feeling. While you’re working through this, I hope that you’ll stay here with us. We have many wonderful and caring people in this group and most likely they’ll have different opinions than mine and even some advice for you. Be welcome here, Tom……Jae – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Tom wrote: > I think I have really hit the bottom of loneliness… I’ve been in a > relationship for the last four years which now that I look back was damaging > in alot of ways, but now that it is over I am left with nothing. I dated > someone who was themselves very lonely, she had very few friends and the few > that she had went away to school and just about forgot about her. I became > her sole friend and the more time I spent with her the more she became my > sole friend. I never have had many friends, alot of aquatinces, but not > close friends. We primarily spent all our time together, we didn’t have any > friends that we could go out with together. She became really dependent on > me, but at the time I didn’t feel dependent on her. I encouraged her to go > to college, to overcome her fears, helped her study.. She had a horrible > tragedy in her family and I stood by her, I got her to see a therapist so > she could work things out. I helped her move out of her parents house > finally so she could live at school and live with roommates and on her own, > something I felt was important if we were to move in together in the future. > Then after valentines day this year she stopped seeing me, I noticed > it more and more throughout January. Her and her roommates went out all the > time, something she never did, they became really good friends which I > thought was great because she never looked so sure of herself. She would > not see me anymore but constantly tell me how much she loved me, then the > phone calls stopped after awhile. I got horribly depressed about this, I > didn’t know what to do, I would call her and ask to see her. She would tell > me that she loved me but she could not see me, and why couldn’t I understand > this. This went on and on, I cried way to much, it was like sometimes I > could see her wanting to get close to me, then she would just hang up. I > still don’t know what happened, 4 years and I have no idea what hit me. Its > all over, the person I had hoped to marry, spent almost every day with has > left me without saying anything. I guess she found someone else, I guess it > is my fault for getting her to move out. > It wasn’t like everything was perfect all the time, we had our problems, we > fought at times. We had threatened to break up a few times in the past when > things got rough, but we both believed in working things out. She always > told me that she would never give up on our relationship, when at times I > felt it might have been a good thing. but together we both felt that we > could work anything out. And that is the hard thing, when she left me, we > weren’t fighting, we weren’t in the middle of working things out. We were > just us, she was at school and I was working and we went out on weekends and > talked everyday on the phone. Then BAM! no more. > I got a new job, a promotion, a new place and no one to share things with, I > have been in this state of decay barely functioning… I am so alone that > at times I don’t know how I live. I drink alot more now so I can go to > sleep without crying, I run and work out so my body hurts all the time so I > don’t think about her. I went back to church and prayed hoping that if God > still cared he would help me feel better (or bring her back, but I know that > is selfish). It is really bad because I have no one to talk to about this, > I have tried my parents but the standard response is "I thought she was bad > for you anyway".. The very few friends I have I am not close enough with to > get as emotional as I do when I think about it.. I just had to get this off > my chest, if I don’t I think my heart will explode. I am going to call a > therapist tomorrow and arrange an appointment, I don’t know what to do, > sooner or later something has got to give.. > This will be the third long term relationship I have had where she leaves me > with no explanation other than "I love you", both other ex’s have gotten in > touch with me and apologized, one asked me to marry her 3 years later out of > the blue. If she ever comes back to me and says she made a mistake I think I > will shoot myself in the face. Nothing hurts more after ages of suffering > than the futility of "I shouldn’t have done that". Why? Why me? I really > don’t want to be in my shoes anymore, everyday it is a challenge to stay > sane and non suicidal. > Thanks for listening whoever read this, thank you > Tom > thand…@hotmail.com
– "Real Friends are those who……. When you’ve made a fool of yourself…… Don’t think you’ve done a permanent job." Erwin T. Randall
Response:
I think I have really hit the bottom of loneliness… I’ve been in a relationship for the last four years which now that I look back was damaging in alot of ways, but now that it is over I am left with nothing. I dated someone who was themselves very lonely, she had very few friends and the few that she had went away to school and just about forgot about her. I became her sole friend and the more time I spent with her the more she became my sole friend. I never have had many friends, alot of aquatinces, but not close friends. We primarily spent all our time together, we didn’t have any friends that we could go out with together. She became really dependent on me, but at the time I didn’t feel dependent on her. I encouraged her to go to college, to overcome her fears, helped her study.. She had a horrible tragedy in her family and I stood by her, I got her to see a therapist so she could work things out. I helped her move out of her parents house finally so she could live at school and live with roommates and on her own, something I felt was important if we were to move in together in the future. Then after valentines day this year she stopped seeing me, I noticed it more and more throughout January. Her and her roommates went out all the time, something she never did, they became really good friends which I thought was great because she never looked so sure of herself. She would not see me anymore but constantly tell me how much she loved me, then the phone calls stopped after awhile. I got horribly depressed about this, I didn’t know what to do, I would call her and ask to see her. She would tell me that she loved me but she could not see me, and why couldn’t I understand this. This went on and on, I cried way to much, it was like sometimes I could see her wanting to get close to me, then she would just hang up. I still don’t know what happened, 4 years and I have no idea what hit me. Its all over, the person I had hoped to marry, spent almost every day with has left me without saying anything. I guess she found someone else, I guess it is my fault for getting her to move out. It wasn’t like everything was perfect all the time, we had our problems, we fought at times. We had threatened to break up a few times in the past when things got rough, but we both believed in working things out. She always told me that she would never give up on our relationship, when at times I felt it might have been a good thing. but together we both felt that we could work anything out. And that is the hard thing, when she left me, we weren’t fighting, we weren’t in the middle of working things out. We were just us, she was at school and I was working and we went out on weekends and talked everyday on the phone. Then BAM! no more. I got a new job, a promotion, a new place and no one to share things with, I have been in this state of decay barely functioning… I am so alone that at times I don’t know how I live. I drink alot more now so I can go to sleep without crying, I run and work out so my body hurts all the time so I don’t think about her. I went back to church and prayed hoping that if God still cared he would help me feel better (or bring her back, but I know that is selfish). It is really bad because I have no one to talk to about this, I have tried my parents but the standard response is "I thought she was bad for you anyway".. The very few friends I have I am not close enough with to get as emotional as I do when I think about it.. I just had to get this off my chest, if I don’t I think my heart will explode. I am going to call a therapist tomorrow and arrange an appointment, I don’t know what to do, sooner or later something has got to give.. This will be the third long term relationship I have had where she leaves me with no explanation other than "I love you", both other ex’s have gotten in touch with me and apologized, one asked me to marry her 3 years later out of the blue. If she ever comes back to me and says she made a mistake I think I will shoot myself in the face. Nothing hurts more after ages of suffering than the futility of "I shouldn’t have done that". Why? Why me? I really don’t want to be in my shoes anymore, everyday it is a challenge to stay sane and non suicidal. Thanks for listening whoever read this, thank you Tom thand…@hotmail.com
Response:
Filed under: Overcome loneliness
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