Lonely Loneliness

Desperately need help… possible Aspergers?

Question:

I know there is something wrong with me, but I’m not sure what, it seems to be a mechanical problem with my mind, and I’ve always been this way since very young.  Maybe I am simply overly sensitive, or maybe there is some other problem.  I’ve never been formally diagnosed but sometimes I wonder if I have Aspergers Syndrome or some other neurological disorder since I can’t seem to change my cognitive and behavior patterns.   I seem to fit some of the patterns except that I am quite emotional, although most times being unable to relate or connect with other people so that I give the appearance of being aloof or distant. I am female, and I have always been shy and withdrawn, moreso than most people it seems, and what’s more, I seem to have always been trapped in my "own little world", as if my mind is turned in on itself.  I guess the world seemed so overwhelming most of the time I preferred to escape into the inner world of my imagination.  When I was a child I was always playing games with imaginary characters I made up, even when I was among other children, which caused them to tease and torment me all through school.  My parents and teachers never did anything about this.  They used to complain that I didn’t interact enough in groups situations but it seems that I wasn’t that interested or didn’t have the social skills necessary.  In fact I didn’t have much interest at all in the world of humans. I had no heroes and anything having to do with the world of humans just didn’t interest me all that much, except for whatever boy I had a crush on at the time.  Animals interested me more than people and in fact I used to pretend I was an animal when I was a child.  I also had serial obsessions to the point that people found my company annoying because all I would talk about was that interest. My one saving grace was that I knew how to draw, and I could probably could have been described as a gifted child. I used to say that I was an artist and that would make people think that I was into making art, but it wasn’t about making art, it was just about knowing how to draw because I couldn’t interact very well, socially.  Most of it was about making characters who did and said things that I couldn’t do in real life.  In fact I’m not artsy at all;  my house is plain and boring with no pictures on the wall; I have no fashion sense and don’t know how to decorate. People used to praise me for my talent, and for a long time I thought I was special because of it, but now it doesn’t make me feel proud or great any more.  Now it makes me feel ashamed because it only reminds me of my deficiencies.  I need to make my living doing this but it is so painful for me to do now. I’m not "about" anything.  I’m just this big void or vacuum; no depth of character and nothing to offer anyone.  The only thing I ever seemed to be "about"  was primitive feelings that I felt at the time (for example, feeling rebellious at the world when I was a teenager). I keep thinking, "why am I not more daring in style?  why don’t I find interest in other people or their activities? why am I not more sociable?"  I would try to make myself do these things but it was always forced.  My cat has more personality than I do.  I always hoped that when I grew older I would become a "somebody" and have the confidence to be comfortable with myself but I realize that whatever confidence I used to have was youthful cockiness and that most of my life has been spent simply trying to conform to the expectations of society, and trying to find the shelter of love and acceptance.  Yet at the same time I find the company of people overwhelming, and I am still trapped inside my head and quite lacking in social skills. When I was younger I dreamed of becoming a famous cartoonist because it was something my peer group would think was really cool.  I was most creative during my younger days when I was feeling more passionate about life, but now I’m almost 40 and I feel I’ve outgrown things like that, but now it feels like I lost the only joy and refuge I had in this world, too.  Not to mention the only identity I had.  By now most of my peers are settled with families, but I just don’t have the personality to deal with the demands of others (or at least children, but I wouldn’t know of many men who would think I would make a good spouse, either, unless I met some nurturing type who understood my problems).  I’m scared of getting older because of the way society views women over 40.  It also feels as if I lost the freedom and independence I used to enjoy. I feel so lonely and cheated in this life, and all I do is sleep because it feels like my life is over with. I feel so strange and alienated in this world these days.  I don’t even have that "inner world of imagination" I used to have, that I could retreat into when the world was so overwhelming.  I would gladly welcome death because I feel that I have no interests and nothing of value to offer any more; nothing to look forward to.  Not to mention ashamed and insufficient. I’ve been in counseling for awhile yet I can’t seem to become "untrapped" outside of my head; I guess my only hope would be antidepressants to make me feel better, to least make me feel good about myself and the work I’m capable of doing.  Unfortunately the ones I’ve tried so far didn’t work on me the way they were supposed to work on "normal" people…either they made me feel worse or didn’t help enough.  I feel like I’ve "thrown myself away" and am just going downhill fast.

Response:

First of all, welcome and just to touch lightly on a few points for now…(I’m getting ready to go somewhere) 1) I think your emotions do not rule out autism. I’m quite emotional but most NT would say I’m not (or that I am too much) depending. 2) I think you seem to have Asperger’s Syndrome but I couldn’t diagnose it. But your aversion to others and vice versa is a fairly good indicator. Also, art and music (as well as math and computer) are common. AS is a form of autism. You also could have High Function Autism or HFA. Artwork requires a lot of focus. 3) I would really like to see your artwork. I was drawing rather lifelike animals at a very young age. ie: horses and birds and elephants.  (ie: 6-8 yrs old) Later I stopped but I always wanted to do cartoon myself. I might yet do it…..I have a creative side that needs pressure release. I’m also curious about hypersensitivity to certain textures or sounds or light that you might have.

Response:

Welcome to the world of Asperger’s Syndrome, Ann – and to ASA. Counselling often only serves to make the ASer feel more alienated than before. Anti-depressants are of scant benefit or relevance. Save your money on counselling and get an AS diagnosis (dx). Have you lurked here ? I lurked for a while – well, I read a few posts and realised almost straight away that I was Aspergic. What catharsis ! I felt I’d come home. Many Aspergics are dx’ed late in life or never – particularly if they are atypically Aspergic (and atypicality is typical of AS). You will find much of help here – and still more to delight your sense of "My God, how me is that ?". Revel in your AS and celebrate the new you. You will find the acceptance you desire right here. Welcome home. Knompy

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I know there is something wrong with me, but I’m not sure what, it seems to be a mechanical problem with my mind, and I’ve always been this way since very young.  Maybe I am simply overly sensitive, or maybe there is some other problem.  I’ve never been formally diagnosed but sometimes I wonder if I have Aspergers Syndrome or some other neurological disorder since I can’t seem to change my cognitive and behavior patterns.   I seem to fit some of the patterns except that I am quite emotional, although most times being unable to relate or connect with other people so that I give the appearance of being aloof or distant. I am female, and I have always been shy and withdrawn, moreso than most people it seems, and what’s more, I seem to have always been trapped in my "own little world", as if my mind is turned in on itself.  I guess the world seemed so overwhelming most of the time I preferred to escape into the inner world of my imagination.  When I was a child I was always playing games with imaginary characters I made up, even when I was among other children, which caused them to tease and torment me all through school.  My parents and teachers never did anything about this.  They used to complain that I didn’t interact enough in groups situations but it seems that I wasn’t that interested or didn’t have the social skills necessary.  In fact I didn’t have much interest at all in the world of humans. I had no heroes and anything having to do with the world of humans just didn’t interest me all that much, except for whatever boy I had a crush on at the time.  Animals interested me more than people and in fact I used to pretend I was an animal when I was a child.  I also had serial obsessions to the point that people found my company annoying because all I would talk about was that interest. My one saving grace was that I knew how to draw, and I could probably could have been described as a gifted child. I used to say that I was an artist and that would make people think that I was into making art, but it wasn’t about making art, it was just about knowing how to draw because I couldn’t interact very well, socially.  Most of it was about making characters who did and said things that I couldn’t do in real life.  In fact I’m not artsy at all;  my house is plain and boring with no pictures on the wall; I have no fashion sense and don’t know how to decorate. People used to praise me for my talent, and for a long time I thought I was special because of it, but now it doesn’t make me feel proud or great any more.  Now it makes me feel ashamed because it only reminds me of my deficiencies.  I need to make my living doing this but it is so painful for me to do now. I’m not "about" anything.  I’m just this big void or vacuum; no depth of character and nothing to offer anyone.  The only thing I ever seemed to be "about"  was primitive feelings that I felt at the time (for example, feeling rebellious at the world when I was a teenager). I keep thinking, "why am I not more daring in style?  why don’t I find interest in other people or their activities? why am I not more sociable?"  I would try to make myself do these things but it was always forced.  My cat has more personality than I do.  I always hoped that when I grew older I would become a "somebody" and have the confidence to be comfortable with myself but I realize that whatever confidence I used to have was youthful cockiness and that most of my life has been spent simply trying to conform to the expectations of society, and trying to find the shelter of love and acceptance.  Yet at the same time I find the company of people overwhelming, and I am still trapped inside my head and quite lacking in social skills. When I was younger I dreamed of becoming a famous cartoonist because it was something my peer group would think was really cool.  I was most creative during my younger days when I was feeling more passionate about life, but now I’m almost 40 and I feel I’ve outgrown things like that, but now it feels like I lost the only joy and refuge I had in this world, too.  Not to mention the only identity I had.  By now most of my peers are settled with families, but I just don’t have the personality to deal with the demands of others (or at least children, but I wouldn’t know of many men who would think I would make a good spouse, either, unless I met some nurturing type who understood my problems).  I’m scared of getting older because of the way society views women over 40.  It also feels as if I lost the freedom and independence I used to enjoy. I feel so lonely and cheated in this life, and all I do is sleep because it feels like my life is over with. I feel so strange and alienated in this world these days.  I don’t even have that "inner world of imagination" I used to have, that I could retreat into when the world was so overwhelming.  I would gladly welcome death because I feel that I have no interests and nothing of value to offer any more; nothing to look forward to.  Not to mention ashamed and insufficient. I’ve been in counseling for awhile yet I can’t seem to become "untrapped" outside of my head; I guess my only hope would be antidepressants to make me feel better, to least make me feel good about myself and the work I’m capable of doing.  Unfortunately the ones I’ve tried so far didn’t work on me the way they were supposed to work on "normal" people…either they made me feel worse or didn’t help enough.  I feel like I’ve "thrown myself away" and am just going downhill fast.

Response:

http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/hawk/pictures/

Nice work!  I actually like number 1 the best, for some reason, maybe because it’s really etherial, and where there isn’t nearly as firmly concrete an idea of what a dragon should be.

Response:

electrons and etched in their motions the following immortal words:  My one saving grace was that I knew how to draw, and I could probably  could have been described as a gifted child.

I have some of my art online at http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/hawk/pictures/ I can only draw dragons.

Response:

Welcome Ann (to alt.support.autism, anyway – I don’t subscribe to the other groups you’ve posted to). I know there is something wrong with me, but I’m not sure what, it seems to be a mechanical problem with my mind, and I’ve always been this way since very young.

There’s nothing *wrong* with you – you just experience life differently. *Don’t* put yourself down.  You may have problems coping with things, but that doesn’t mean you’re some sort of freak. It’s not always a pleasant experience – I’ve been there (going through it at the moment, actually) but just hang in there. In the case of the A.S.A newsgroup, you’re going to meet a lot of very helpful and supportive people, whatever any problems you feel you have.  You are *not* alone in your feelings or experiences – if you have any worries or just want to have a damn good moan then feel free.   The whole point of these newsgroups is to support each other. You’re welcome here. Not to say that we don’t argue about things occasionally though Ian (somewhat undiagnosed autistic, father of a child with autism) — Ian Sharrock.  Permission to send unsolicited commercial e-mail to this host is explicitly *withdrawn*

Response:

(cut a couple of newsgroups) I feel so lonely and cheated in this life, and all I do is sleep because it feels like my life is over with. I feel so strange and alienated in this world these days.  I don’t even have that "inner world of imagination" I used to have, that I could retreat into when the world was so overwhelming.

First of all, it’s quite possible that you do have Asperger’s, at least you’ve matched some of the criteria and the overall pattern of your life seems to fit.  But a professional opinion would be better than mine. Second, you’re going through what some people have called "the dark night of the soul", something that can happen to middle-aged people when they realize the things they thought they were, or might do, may not come to anything.  I’ve been going through this for awhile myself, and still struggle with doing the things I used to do and enjoy such as writing and music.  It doesn’t help matters that I have a lot of real world things I have to do. I don’t have as deep an inner world as I used to, either, but I look on that as a sign of growth.  It’s possible that you are adjusting to things better than you think you are, that you are being left with a "blank slate", so other things may be written that will be more important.  For some reason, I’m thinking of the Celtic myth, where a man went to live in Avalon with one of the Sidhe and returned under the warning that if he touched earth, he would wither and show his age.  Perhaps as the self of the imagination returns to the real world something similar happens.   Contrary to popular belief people do change, but the changes aren’t always obvious when they’re going on and it can be hard to say what changes are happening. My only other advice is to do what you love and love what you do as much as possible.  That’s a lot harder than it sounds. By all means, hang around asa, as you do sound as if you belong here.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Welcome Ann (to alt.support.autism, anyway – I don’t subscribe to the other groups you’ve posted to). I know there is something wrong with me, but I’m not sure what, it seems to be a mechanical problem with my mind, and I’ve always been this way since very young. There’s nothing *wrong* with you – you just experience life differently. *Don’t* put yourself down.  You may have problems coping with things, but that doesn’t mean you’re some sort of freak. It’s not always a pleasant experience – I’ve been there (going through it at the moment, actually) but just hang in there. In the case of the A.S.A newsgroup, you’re going to meet a lot of very helpful and supportive people, whatever any problems you feel you have.  You are *not* alone in your feelings or experiences – if you have any worries or just want to have a damn good moan then feel free.   The whole point of these newsgroups is to support each other. You’re welcome here. Not to say that we don’t argue about things occasionally though Ian (somewhat undiagnosed autistic, father of a child with autism)

Autism=Parasites? Maybe people that worship the devil (e.g) causes the reaction defined as autism and other "mental deseases"? This means that devil worshippers and other parasites must be found and kept away from other living or dead beings. Every life that is gifted by God is a target for those who worship the devil. — Terje Henriksen Kirkenes

Response:

the following communication from alien lifeform "Terje Henriksen" Autism=Parasites? Maybe people that worship the devil (e.g) causes the reaction defined as autism and other "mental deseases"? This means that devil worshippers and other parasites must be found and kept away from other living or dead beings. Every life that is gifted by God is a target for those who worship the devil.

ROTFLMAO!! These trolls get more ridiculous all the time!! — Catriona (18, AS) Remove NOSPAM from address to e-mail me

Response:

the following communication from alien lifeform "Terje Henriksen" Autism=Parasites? Maybe people that worship the devil (e.g) causes the reaction defined as autism and other "mental deseases"? This means that devil worshippers and other parasites must be found and kept away from other living or dead beings. Every life that is gifted by God is a target for those who worship the devil. ROTFLMAO!! These trolls get more ridiculous all the time!!

You will get more help for your socalled mental deseases when you believe this. It’s psychiatry and psychology that are ridiculous. — Terje Henriksen Kirkenes

Response:

Autism=Parasites? Maybe people that worship the devil (e.g) causes the reaction defined as autism and other "mental deseases"? Oh dear. Do not feed the troll.  Especially one that doesn’t know how to use the spell checker. This means that devil worshippers and other parasites must be found and kept away from other living or dead beings. Do di doo di doo di doo di  <insert outer limits theme tune here. I know we can seem a bit strange to the NTs at times…  but this person obviously is dyslexic.

Not at all; only foreign. He should be a Santa worshiper  Hello Father Christmas

One is only allowed to worship God himself. — Terje Henriksen Kirkenes

Response:

Autism=Parasites? Maybe people that worship the devil (e.g) causes the reaction defined as autism and other "mental deseases"?

Oh dear. Do not feed the troll.  Especially one that doesn’t know how to use the spell checker. This means that devil worshippers and other parasites must be found and kept away from other living or dead beings.

Do di doo di doo di doo di  <insert outer limits theme tune here. I know we can seem a bit strange to the NTs at times…  but this person obviously is dyslexic.  He should be a Santa worshiper  Hello Father Christmas Ian — Ian Sharrock.  Permission to send unsolicited commercial e-mail to this host is explicitly *withdrawn*

Response:

Actually, I myself find the whole concept of "God" and "religion" to be ridiculous. I am an atheist, always have been one, always will be one. Then you should find psychology and psychiatry ridiculous too. They are only religions. They doesn’t take into consideration the most important piece of life, the spirit.

Psychology and psychiatry are not religions; they have a valid scientific basis. Which is more than I can say for religion.

Response:

Every life that is gifted by God is a target for those who worship the devil. ROTFLMAO!! These trolls get more ridiculous all the time!! You will get more help for your socalled mental deseases when you believe this. It’s psychiatry and psychology that are ridiculous. Actually, I myself find the whole concept of "God" and "religion" to be ridiculous. I am an atheist, always have been one, always will be one.

Then you should find psychology and psychiatry ridiculous too. They are only religions. They doesn’t take into consideration the most important piece of life, the spirit. — Terje Henriksen Kirkenes

Response:

typed: You will get more help for your socalled mental deseases when you believe this. It’s psychiatry and psychology that are ridiculous. you’ve got to be joking.

No. — Terje Henriksen Kirkenes

Response:

typed: You will get more help for your socalled mental deseases when you believe this. It’s psychiatry and psychology that are ridiculous. you’ve got to be joking. —- —–BEGIN PERL GEEK CODE BLOCK—–     P+++++++c–*P6 ?R ++M+++O++MA+E PU BD++C++D++S++X WP MO PP n+CO?PO-o+G+A-OLC+OLCC+OLJ+OLP–OLR–OL CO–OLS–OLL–OLA–Ee Ev-Eon+Eot!Eob Eoa!uL+++++uB!uS!uH!uo!w—m!osA!osBE! ——END PERL GEEK CODE BLOCK—— elizabeth at psy dox dot com

Response:

Every life that is gifted by God is a target for those who worship the devil. ROTFLMAO!! These trolls get more ridiculous all the time!! You will get more help for your socalled mental deseases when you believe this. It’s psychiatry and psychology that are ridiculous.

Actually, I myself find the whole concept of "God" and "religion" to be ridiculous. I am an atheist, always have been one, always will be one.

Response:

Anyways, so much rambling … what can I say.  Your post struck a chord, I suppose.  Well, good luck with what happens, and please let us know.

Yeah, that post struck a chord with me as well.  I’m pretty sure I don’t have Aspergers in any clinical sense, but I can relate to a lot of it on some level.  (E.g. when I was very young, I had this pretty elaborate fantasy world made up where I was the hero, and where other people were pretty much excluded.) Anyway, Steve, I really enjoy reading your posts, and it sounds like you’re doing great!  There is nothing I admire more than people who are willing to try and make a rational and realistic attempt to follow up on some of their idealistic passions, instead of being constrained by other people’s ideas of what they should be.

Response:

Hi Ann, Your post is very articulate and well-expressed, I can relate with some of your experiences, especially in early elementary school.  In terms of labels, though, such as Aspergers, I’d be careful in accepting them too soon.  My advice is to go to your doctor or a health professional, someone you can *trust*, and ask for their opinion. I had similar fears in the past that I may have had this condition, however they turned out not to be true.  My parents were, especially in earlier school, very worried about me, given some of my behavior patterns were like yours.  Especially can relate to creating a reality in my imagination in order to deal with a world that was too overwheleming.  But then again, Elaine Aron talks about this issue in depth in her book, "The Highly Sensitive Person", and pretty much argues that this is a normal tendency, but only a problem if it is out of control. Anyways, my one ’saving grace’, I suppose, was that I had a social side and was able to make friends easily, even during my difficult times in school.  I was able to overcome a lot of the shyness and find creative solutions to become more social and also express my weirdness in more appropriate (and humorous!!!) ways. Ironcially, however, I still can’t figure this one out.  I returned back home in Canada after doing a short 6 week teaching stint in Tianjin, China … actually this was a transition time between teaching jobs where I would later return (not knowingly at the time) to China, this time in Shanghai where I currently am.  When I returned home, I experienced some nasty, and I mean brutal, reverse culture shock, which was much more intense than any cultural adaption on the way over.  During this shocker period, a lot of personal problems intensified and were a lot worse than I had experienced before. For example, I recall spending hours just lying on the couch alone, feeling depressed and dreading the inevitable job hunt that lay ahead.  I also recall intense feelings of loneliness and feeling like an outsider.  I recall lots of low self-esteem and feeling sad that I had gone from being practically treated like a celebrity to a nobody in the span of two weeks!  One day I just got on the bike and rode to nowhere in particular, recalling spending a whole day just lying on the beach!  But I was pretty bored on the bike, as riding on the streets of my hometown was a lonely joke compared to the challenges of an urban city in China. My parents saw these struggles and changes and my mom actually, brought out some Aspergers stuff and mentioned that she thought I might have this syndrome.  Of course, they didn’t immediately consider the changes I had done in the past few years to become more social and build up a professional skill base … making significant tackles in both the relationship and career paths.  Yet again, they were not interested in my summer trip very much and how it changed me so much, save for a couple of pictures over supper, and the inevitable, "Now what?  You’ve graduated, you’ve taught, now it’s time to buckle down for a career" speeach. Anyways.  Actually turns out the Asperger stuff was off the mark, as I later explained to my parents.  The social difficulties I had in school and later challenges had more to do with over-sensitivity to stimulation and also holding a farily unique, shall we say, value system and world view. Turns out the recent decision I made killed a ton of birds with one stone, and I’m very happy it has progressed as it has.  I’m now teaching English in Shanghai, and making money for doing something that I was volunteering last summer.  The good thing about this, is that at the language school I’m at I have less ‘celebrity status’ than when I was teaching a great bunch of idealistic university students in Tianjin … this is immensely great because I don’t let this get to my head.  When students treated me like a celebrity (I’m not kidding, they asked for autographs and everything!!!) I took it too seriously, then felt a huge whallop upon returning to life in Canada.  But students value the teaching enough to at least treat me to singing every now and then.  Also, they are shelling out big bucks for learning English, so of course their expecations are more than students last summer who practically got a free ride.  This is great, because it keeps me on my toes, and I have to work my ass off to prepare effective lessons and continue improving my teaching skills. Also, the money is enough to live comfortable on and save.  Parents see this as a positive step.  It is a career starter, as the company I work for purposely employs teachers who are interested in starting a teaching career.  So I can use the experience to then pursue further directions, such as getting a TEFL certificate, teaching at an international school, teaching in other countries, such as South Korea (like, duh, where the money is!) or going back to school to get my Masters in Education (probably TESOL). The professional feedback and evaluations from students and supervisors has been impressive, much more than I would have expected, and I am beginning to develop more confidence in myself as a teacher, as earlier I had huge doubts that I wouldn’t be able to pull this off.  Especially, Asperger comments from my parents didn’t help the self-esteem. Finally, although this is a career-starter, it’s not as competitive or rigorous as doing something related to my field (I’m a meterology grad, for crying out loud!) which is what I was dreading ever since early 2000.  So I enjoy lots of free time and relaxation, which tackles that. It’s almost the perfect solution to the graduation crisis, that which was an immense problem last year.  Christ, now my still-in-school younger brother and sister want to do the same thing I’m doing! However I am in no means out of the woods yet.  The girlfriend issue, or lack of one, is beginning to creep in again, and now that I’ve more or less tackled the job issue, I am feeling lonely for lack of an intimate relationship.  I have done some dating here, but this cross-cultural thing is a lot tougher than I had imagined.  So I’m a little pressed for ideas.  I witnessed my friend from the U.S. get involved with a girl from Wuhan (Central China), and they fell in love very quickly.  I took an airplane to meet them just 3 weeks ago, and she is very nice, but I get the sinking feeling she fell in love with his U.S. passport more than himself.   So naturally, I don’t want a repeat of that with myself, maybe I’m being overly wary. Anyways, so much rambling … what can I say.  Your post struck a chord, I suppose.  Well, good luck with what happens, and please let us know. Steve

Response:

Filed under: Overcome loneliness

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