Have no friends
Question:
I have no friends (well, maybe a couple, but I hardly ever see them). I’m smart, well educated, attractive, etc, but whenever I meet anyone I’d really like to befriend this massive inferiority complex sets in and I don’t even try to approach them because I’m convinced they’ll find me completely devoid of whatever it is I like so much in them (intelligence, sense of humor, whatever). It’s harder with other women than with men, because at least with men I can get an "in" by flirting. I try to figure out what it is that I do wrong. Bad listener? Too selfish? I often truly enjoy being alone, but over and over again I see people around me forming friendships while I don’t form any. It’s been this way pretty much my whole life. Is anyone in the same boat? Has anyone overcome this problem?
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I often truly enjoy being alone, but over and over again I see people around me forming friendships while I don’t form any
mmm. sure. i’m very slow to build friendships. sometimes i get in a who gives a rat’s ass mood, and just be myself, good or bad, but mostly i need to simmer a while before any friendship can boil. and for me (guy) it’s a little easier to form them with women rather than men. they’re just more interesting/flaky/silly/serious, and usually more honest. one friend of mine actually thought i was gay for the first month i knew her because i actually listened to her when she talked. now if that ain’t odd. she also told me i wiggle my butt when i walk, which i deny, and i wasn’t aware gay men were wiggle factories to begin with. maybe Stuck can help me out here. what do you say, Stuck? are you a wiggle factory? just curious… blue
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says… I have no friends (well, maybe a couple, but I hardly ever see them).
[snipped rest of post] Been there, done that, also pretty much my whole life. At least it often feels that way, especially during holiday season when I compare my 10 Christmas cards with my mother’s over 100. I’m a woman, and I have always related better to men. My two best friends in the world right now are men. There’s an element of flirtation in those relationships. With other women, I tend to be extremely serious, I’m not sure why; maybe it’s just that I despise polite chitchat and I don’t have any respect for a woman’s traditional position in society – that of mere wife and mother – even though that’s exactly what I am. (So who says I have to respect myself?) Some of my relationships with other women (and men) have failed because of my neediness. I need to know I’ll be included for the parties, the fun times,and I get very defensive and hurt when I’m not. This has lost me most of my close friends in this town. My one friend who lives around here (one of the 2 best friends I already mentioned) is the same way; I understand him, because he acts just like me, not that this is necessarily good. So, yes, I’m in the same boat. I’ve partially overcome this problem by lowering my overly high standards for what I will consider a friend (they were impossible to meet) and by learning when to keep my mouth shut. But I still have periods of extreme loneliness. Bluebird
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Well I suppose I’m in a similar boat but mine has a little hole in the bottom and I’m getting tired of bailing water. I have friends but only God knows why. I push people away and push hard. Making connections (especially if you are suffering/living/existing with depression) is truly difficult if not impossible. For me, trusting people is hard and I hate getting burned. I too enjoy my "space" and appreciate being alone at times but being lonely is the worst hollowest nothingness. I’ve gained some of my closest friends through risking….not an easy thing to do. Befriending someone especially when you don’t "feel" like it with the possibility of being rejected isn’t something that I enjoy doing. Sorry for my babbling….Friendship is work, but well worth it. Take Care, H.E. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have no friends (well, maybe a couple, but I hardly ever see them). I’m smart, well educated, attractive, etc, but whenever I meet anyone I’d really like to befriend this massive inferiority complex sets in and I don’t even try to approach them because I’m convinced they’ll find me completely devoid of whatever it is I like so much in them (intelligence, sense of humor, whatever). It’s harder with other women than with men, because at least with men I can get an "in" by flirting. I try to figure out what it is that I do wrong. Bad listener? Too selfish? I often truly enjoy being alone, but over and over again I see people around me forming friendships while I don’t form any. It’s been this way pretty much my whole life. Is anyone in the same boat? Has anyone overcome this problem?
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writes:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -whatever). It’s harder with other women than with men, because at least with men I can get an "in" by flirting. I try to figure out what it is that I do wrong. Bad listener? Too selfish? I often truly enjoy being alone, but over and over again I see people around me forming friendships while I don’t form any. It’s been this way pretty much my whole life. Is anyone in the same boat? Has anyone overcome this problem? I know exactly what you mean about the difference between relating to men and relating to women (modulo the presumed sex difference between us). With women, I can pass off the basic impulse toward human contact under the aegis of flirtation, but with men…? Shit, they might get the idea that I liked them, that I wanted to be friends with them, maybe even (GOD!) that I needed them in some strange, sick, vaguely human way. And that just paralyzes me.
I’m lousy at making and keeping friends too. But I find it easy to make male aquaintance. Being a straight male, all you’ve really have to talk about is the usual bullshit, your job, his job, sports, current events, cars, beer and women. I have no pressure of having to impress any of them either. With women, depending on the type, I feel like I gotta walk on egg- shells, watch what comes outta my mouth, worry about whether she took what I said the wrong way and all kinds of possible mis- understandings. Women want me to pick up on subtle cues, If I miss’em (happens a lot) they get pissed at me. One day they’ll be sweet and the next day a complete iceberg.
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especially during holiday season when I compare my 10 Christmas cards with my mother’s over 100. are all 100 of those people really friends, or are some of them acquaintences?
A lot of them are friends and family, but there are a few business acquaintances. [snip] why; maybe it’s just that I despise polite chitchat and I don’t have any respect for a woman’s traditional position in society – that of mere wife and mother – even though that’s exactly what I am. (So who says I have to respect myself?) you’re a wife and mother, but that’s not all you are. as for the rest, i can relate. a woman i knew a long time ago told me that a lot of the ‘feminine’ stuff was missing from my personality. so i have real trouble carrying on a conversation with the average woman. luckily, all the women on asd are *above* average 
…but seriously, i’m able to talk to other women here in a way i just can’t manage in so-called RL.
That’s true for me, too. This is where I do my best talking and thinking. Some of my relationships with other women (and men) have failed because of my neediness. I need to know I’ll be included for the parties, the fun times,and I get very defensive and hurt when I’m not. This has lost me most of my close friends in this town. are you so very needy, or are the friends you’ve lost threatened by even a low level of need?
Thanks for that perspective. It’d be nice if it were true. [snip] John D. McDonald, one of my all-time favorite writers, had the best definition i ever heard: a friend is someone to whom you can say any damn-fool thing that comes into your head, and vice versa. a friend is someone you can be ‘real’ with. he also said that you could know someone for five minutes and find a friend, and know someone for 20 years and have only an acquaintence… there are a lot of marriages between acquaintences.
Take mine, for example. Please. I hope that we’ll be better friends when we’re finally living apart, too. (my husband and i are much better friends living apart than we were ever able to be when we lived together.) try not to beat up on yourself, ok? melissa, the do-as-i-say-not-as-i-do kid
I’m trying, and doing better most of the time. Thanks for your insight, melissa. ((((((((((melissa)))))))))) Bluebird
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I know what you are going thru. I moved to a new city and found myself without friends and still have very few. Then, after suffering from major depression, I decided that I wasn’t going to let that get in my way of me being happy. Friends are great, but in the end family is what counts. Do you have family nearby? Try to build up your relationships with them and I bet you will find happiness will come your way. Henry My book links:. Depression Book Store http://members.aol.com/healthbook/depression/ The HealthBook Store http://members.aol.com/healthbook/ – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have no friends (well, maybe a couple, but I hardly ever see them). I’m smart, well educated, attractive, etc, but whenever I meet anyone I’d really like to befriend this massive inferiority complex sets in and I don’t even try to approach them because I’m convinced they’ll find me completely devoid of whatever it is I like so much in them (intelligence, sense of humor, whatever). It’s harder with other women than with men, because at least with men I can get an "in" by flirting. I try to figure out what it is that I do wrong. Bad listener? Too selfish? I often truly enjoy being alone, but over and over again I see people around me forming friendships while I don’t form any. It’s been this way pretty much my whole life. Is anyone in the same boat? Has anyone overcome this problem?
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It requires to much energy to have friends and maintain a relationship with them. Rick(the other one) — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
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YES IT DOES. How do normal people do it?
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Repost for Salt of the Earth (ScoTT of the SenaTe), whose server has been down: Bluebird: melissa: try not to beat up on yourself, ok? melissa, the do-as-i-say-not-as-i-do kid I’m trying, and doing better most of the time. Thanks for your insight, melissa. ((((((((((melissa)))))))))) Bluebird
[too much snipping - see previous post] Why can we see EACH OTHER as being better than Normies, but we see OURSELVES as far below average? Cuz we get frustrated when we try to help people and they don’t listen and go off and royally screw up their lives while we sit agonizing that we could have prevented it? –(Speaking in GENERAL, not about specific cases)<– ScoTT of the SenaTe is NOT affiliated with any Government Agency unless evidence proves to the contrary. THE CUBE – http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/5326/ CHEAP AND CHEEZY WEB PAGE – http://www.borg.com/~ssenate/
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I have no friends (well, maybe a couple, but I hardly ever see them). I’m smart, well educated, attractive, etc, but whenever I meet anyone I’d really like to befriend this massive inferiority complex sets in and I don’t even try to approach them because I’m convinced they’ll find me completely devoid of whatever it is I like so much in them (intelligence, sense of humor, whatever). It’s harder with other women than with men, because at least with men I can get an "in" by flirting. I try to figure out what it is that I do wrong. Bad listener? Too selfish? I often truly enjoy being alone, but over and over again I see people around me forming friendships while I don’t form any. It’s been this way pretty much my whole life. Is anyone in the same boat? Has anyone overcome this problem?
same problem here, nz. i can’t for the life of me imagaine why anyone would want to be my friend. been this way for a few years. i used to be able to make friends and was considered to be an interesting person. i still do a lot of the things i did then and have many of the same interests so i guess i would still be interesting — it’s just that *I* don’t think i am. hopefully, i will make some progress in this with my therapist. if anyone has any wisdom to share, i’d love to hear it thanks, all christine – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
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You’re so right, Henry. I’ve gotten a lot closer to my family lately. I was living with my boyfriend, who had a wonderful, close family which I desperately wanted to become part of (truth is, I liked his family a lot more than I liked him). Since we’ve broken up, I’ve tried to create that same environment in my own family. It’s not something one achieves overnight, but trying to get closer to them and make gatherings fun has really made a difference.
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: YES IT DOES. How do normal people do it? I’d like to know how normies can just sit there and do the bills and not get all panicky and flustered when they see themselves sinking financially. That’s why I’m surrendering my car in a voluntary repo, giving it to the Grim Repo Man. (The Grim Repo Man is the cousin of the Grim Reaper.) The Grim Repo Man has a crowbar and the keys, not that sickle. — CAUTION: Email Spam Killer in use. Leave this line in your reply! 152680 "Sometimes the best psychiatrist is a flaky cardiologist" 2125733 bytes of spam mail deleted. http://www.wwa.com/~nospam/
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Filed under: Overcome loneliness
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