Lonely Loneliness

Trying to avoid being totally alone (Robert's log, Mar.30 to Apr.08)

Question:

Sun, 11 Apr 1999 00:39:03     alt.support.shyness           Thread   10 of   18 Lines 36       Re: Trying to avoid being totally alone (RobeRespno   6 of   6 RDra…@ix.netcom.com                           Ron Drake at Jawara Productions > > > If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet? — Cynthia Heimel > I made an intentionally bad joke about your tendency to threaten > suicide. I did it by quoting a writer named Cynthia Heimel. > Now, I know that makes me an asshole, but I can deal with it.

Oh, is that what was going on? Well, the actual statment would be that I can’t go on living much longer without you (not YOU, Ron, I mean somebody nice like Janet or Erin or Yakima or Marilyn Taylor or Trudy, or even somebody bright and interesting like Marilyn Vos Savant or Gloria Steinham), so unless something changes pretty quick you won’t have me to kick around much longer. In that case, your quote doesn’t apply. > At least I don’t try to manipulate people into feeling sorry > for me.

I hate advertising, to find a girlfriend, or to find employment (income), or to find friends or companions or even somebody to care about me. I wish somebody liked me and cared about me enough that they check how I am a couple times a week and offer me sorry-feelings or love or affection or companionship or whatever I need, and accept my offers of giving them whatever kinds of friendship they need, without me having to beg and plead. But life isn’t that way, for me anyway, so-far. Not one person likes me enough to care whether I’m even alive much less happy. In the past 3.5 years I’ve received only one (1) personal phone call, which was Trudy calling me three minutes before I was supposed to call her to confirm a date for that evening. Trudy is also the only person in an awful long time (or ever) to come to my aid in a social emergency. Yet I doubt she’ll ever call me to see whether I’m alive or how I’m doing, she just doesn’t have that mucn interest in me, and nobody else does either, not even Yakima or Brandon. As for the recent chrnology of suicide thoughts: I was planning to end it all sooner than today already, if nothing nice happened before then, but some nice things did happen: (1) Meeting MarieBeth who seemed to like me, (2) Meeting Katherine & Jennifer who seem to like me a lot, (3) Meeting Trudy who shared with me my only date in the past 3.5 years, (4) Getting nice feedback about my being nearly as attractive as Brad Pitt and much more attractive than Jackie Chan, (5) Meeting Erin!! As a result, my suicide decision has been delayed, but I really don’t want to suffer my birthday all alone (*) the entire day, for the third year in a row, and if I have to be alone that day I’ll just give up, bye. * (Not having any friends or friendly companions around me. Police and hospital staff etc. don’t count as anybody around me for the purpose of making my life birthday living.)

Response:

In article <923745673.009…@news.remarQ.com>, r…@shell.netmagic.net – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -(Robert Maas) wrote: > Sat, 10 Apr 1999 02:39:10     alt.support.shyness           Thread   40 of   48 > Lines 2        Re: Trying to avoid being totally alone (RobeRespno   3 of   3 > RDra…@ix.netcom.com                           Ron Drake at Jawara Productions > > If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet? — Cynthia Heimel > How about she can’t be HAPPY without you, then the joke doesn’t work, > she is probably quite lonely and uhnappy at the moment. > Ron, why are you posting here? You’re definitely NOT shy! > Are you spying on me to learn about my new charisma? > Note that the last time I was at a ba.singles boink was Feb.14, > which was only 2 days after I started getting over my shyness, > before the process was complete, but you may have noticed I was already > conversing nicely with the guy at my end of the table. You oughta see me now! > I can converse with groups, instead of just one person, now!

I made an intentionally bad joke about your tendency to threaten suicide. I did it by quoting a writer named Cynthia Heimel. Now, I know that makes me an asshole, but I can deal with it. At least I don’t try to manipulate people into feeling sorry for me. And you’re still personna non grata in real life…no matter how conversant you are with the group gestalt. Get help, Robert. Listen to your counselors. Stick to your medication.

Response:

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet? — Cynthia Heimel

Response:

Sat, 10 Apr 1999 02:39:10     alt.support.shyness           Thread   40 of   48 Lines 2        Re: Trying to avoid being totally alone (RobeRespno   3 of   3 RDra…@ix.netcom.com                           Ron Drake at Jawara Productions > If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet? — Cynthia Heimel

How about she can’t be HAPPY without you, then the joke doesn’t work, she is probably quite lonely and uhnappy at the moment. Ron, why are you posting here? You’re definitely NOT shy! Are you spying on me to learn about my new charisma? Note that the last time I was at a ba.singles boink was Feb.14, which was only 2 days after I started getting over my shyness, before the process was complete, but you may have noticed I was already conversing nicely with the guy at my end of the table. You oughta see me now! I can converse with groups, instead of just one person, now!

Response:

Robert Maas <r…@shell.netmagic.net> wrote in message

news:923745673.009.64@news.remarQ.com… > Sat, 10 Apr 1999 02:39:10     alt.support.shyness           Thread   40 of 48 > Lines 2        Re: Trying to avoid being totally alone (RobeRespno   3 of 3 > RDra…@ix.netcom.com                           Ron Drake at Jawara Productions > > If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet? — Cynthia Heimel > How about she can’t be HAPPY without you, then the joke doesn’t work, > she is probably quite lonely and uhnappy at the moment.

It seems to me that it’s her life, not yours.  If she chooses not to want to meet you, isn’t that up to her?  Not you?

Response:

Robert Maas <r…@shell.netmagic.net> wrote in message

news:7ejb3n$ab8$7@remarQ.com… > After Janet fired me up to overcome several aspects of my shyness > Feb.12-17, and I’ve learned how enjoyable it is to socialize with > people for the first time in my life Feb.21, more than ever I can’t

Isn’t it a great feeling when you realise that?  I remember it was for me. > stand being totally alone, totally isolated from social contact. In the

That’s the only problem, suddenly you think "hey, I love people" and then "but I have so few friends…". > absense of any friend I can trust to see me a few days in the future, I > need some social contact virtually every day to avoid the pain of > loneliness (social deprivation). However by Apr.04 (see below) the > spirit of Janet had mostly expired and I was sinking back into > hopelessness, where I no longer feel like spending several hours per > day looking for people to say ‘hi’ to on the chance that I might find > somebody to chat with for a few minutes, so instead of trying to meet > people I just retreat into A.P.D. again.

Never give up.  Don’t ever focus all your hopes on one person either. That’s always a mistake … having a big group of casual friends is much more important than having one special friend. > General plans: > – Thursdays: Nothing in day, maybe Sierra Singles folk dance evenings. > – Fridays: Hanging around Santa Clara University to find students and > instructors etc. to say ‘hi’ to between 10AM and 230PM appointments, > then maybe Stanford folk dance evenings.

I could be wrong here, but it seems to me that your basic approach is wrong. Just saying "hi" to random people isn’t really good enough.  What exactly do you do?  Are you working, studying… what?  Is there no other way you can meet new people other than saying "hi" to random people?

Response:

Fri, 09 Apr 1999 10:06:16     alt.support.shyness           Thread   57 of   64 Lines 39       Re: Trying to avoid being totally alone (RobeRespno   1 of   1 duzzyf…@x-stream.co.uk                Duzzy Feck at Customer of Planet Online > > After Janet fired me up to overcome several aspects of my shyness > > Feb.12-17, and I’ve learned how enjoyable it is to socialize with > > people for the first time in my life Feb.21, > Isn’t it a great feeling when you realise that?  I remember it was for me.

Yes. This week I’ve even started going to the socialization gatherings after folk dance, at BoardWalk last night, and at Harry’s Hofbrau tonight. At each, I socialized great! Jill was quite impressed by me Thursday, and Laurie was quite impressed by me tonight. > > more than ever I can’t stand being totally alone, > > totally isolated from social contact. > That’s the only problem, suddenly you think "hey, I love people" and then > "but I have so few friends…".

Yes, except I have not a single friend in the world, never did, except maybe Janet for a week or so in February. I don’t even have any regular friendly acquaintances except the ladies who work at Lucky on Maude, and maybe Trudy now (saw&hugged her third time tonight, at folk dance & Harry’s). <<Never give up.>> Why not? I’m on the verge of giving up now. Why shouldn’t I? <<Don’t ever focus all your hopes on one person either. That’s always a mistake … having a big group of casual friends is much more important than having one special friend.>> Yes, that’s the point I was making, where in the distant past I set my hopes on one person at a time, but now I "play the field" until such time as I have a special relationship with one person, which is probably never going to happen the way things have been going. My goal is to have a bunch of casual friends, but at present I have none at all (or maybe one if Trudy can be counted yet). <<Just saying "hi" to random people isn’t really good enough. … Is there no other way you can meet new people other than saying "hi" to random people?>> That’s the only way I know to have chances with hundreds of new people so that I can chat with a small fraction so that maybe somewhere in those hundreds I might accumulate a few casual relationships of which eventually a few might possibly become casual friends. Do you have any alternative methods to propose to me?

Response:

After Janet fired me up to overcome several aspects of my shyness Feb.12-17, and I’ve learned how enjoyable it is to socialize with people for the first time in my life Feb.21, more than ever I can’t stand being totally alone, totally isolated from social contact. In the absense of any friend I can trust to see me a few days in the future, I need some social contact virtually every day to avoid the pain of loneliness (social deprivation). However by Apr.04 (see below) the spirit of Janet had mostly expired and I was sinking back into hopelessness, where I no longer feel like spending several hours per day looking for people to say ‘hi’ to on the chance that I might find somebody to chat with for a few minutes, so instead of trying to meet people I just retreat into A.P.D. again. 1999.Mar.30: Tried calling everyone I knew, had 20-30 minute chat with Marty, mostly about music, but she can’t see me this week because it’s parent-teacher conference week with her youngest child. Looked for Heather Thompson but couldn’t find her. Tried to find somebody at Safeway to say ‘hi’ to, but zilch. 1999.Mar.31: Tried calling everyone I knew, but nobody accessible. Totally lonely day. 1999.Apr.01: Tried calling everyone I knew, but nobody accessible. Out of desperation I tried Sierra Singles folk dancing in evening: Met two semi-attractive women ‘Nancy’ & ‘Betsy’, former seemed friendly until the last 20 minutes when she went in the back corner with Barbara and spent the rest of the dance time isolated from everyone else including me, at which point I met the latter, who said she’d like to listen to music with me and gave me ‘her’ phone number (which I later discovered was bogus). 1999.Apr.02: After 10 AM meeting in Campbell I drove to SCU to say ‘hi’ to women, but it was a holiday so the campus was nearly deserted, but still I found a few to say ‘hi’ to (all gave friendly ‘hi’ & smile back), and sat with an artist ‘Jamie’ for about a half hour before I had to leave for 1:30 PM meeting in San Jose. After that meeting I went to Hillview library to continue reading Cosmopolitan, but didn’t meet anyone, then drove back to MV to see what women would show up for Tall Club but zilch, then home to call ‘Betsy’ from last night, only to discover the phone number was bogus. Then out of desperation I drove to Stanford folk dancing in MV where a woman kept looking at me and smiling at me and trying to say ‘hi’ to me across several seats so I finally leaned over and said ‘hi’ to her and got her name ‘Trudy’, and later I found that she liked the kinds of music I like and would like to listen to music with me sometime, but will be busy the next several days, exchange phone numbers (her number verified correct later). She had hugged several other guys prior to that, usually when they first arrive, apparently because they knew each other a long time, but I didn’t feel comfortable asking for a hug since I had just met her, so after we had been chatting a while and touching hands etc., I asked if I could give her a little kiss on her cheek, her choice whether to accept or refuse, and she thought about it a while then said something like "no, I’m being shy", then smiled and added "but thanks for the thought" with a real sweet voice and look. At the very end as we were standing outside ready to part, she moved toward me like she was ready for a good-night hug, so we then hugged. 1999.Apr.03: After 1PM meeting, I drove to Hillview library and finished the last of the Cosmopolitan magazines, but didn’t meet anyone there. After dropping by Lucky on Maude for milk etc. (*), at home I started worrying about Trudy, because she might not be well enough to drive to SF for the folk dance party, so I randomly called her, and she was home, because she got a horrible hassle regarding work, and by the time she got home she was tired and depressed and it was too late anyway to get to SF in time, so we had a hour-and-half phone call during which we decided we’d definitely get together sometime soon for sharing music, then she picked Wednesday evening as the most likely date, then changed the thinking about maybe Wednesday to a tentatative date, then to an almost definite date (definite unless there’s an emergency at work that day or she has to go out of town on business that day/evening). She gave me her address and instructions for getting there, and time will be just after she gets home at 8PM. * (P.S. At Lucky, the checker asked if I had met Janet yet, and I said no, and she asked where Janet lives, and I told her, and the checker said she lives near King & Tully herself, but never met Janet.) 1999.Apr.04: No social contact the whole day. 1999.Apr.05: Noonish today or tomorrow was supposed to be the first time I could get together with Marty for music sharing, but when I called shortly after noon I got their answering machine, then when I called about 12:40 Marty was briefly home but this week is parent teacher conference week for her oldest child (she had forgotten), so child gets home right after lunch, so she’s unavailable all week again, and she was just about to go to a doctor’s appointment so can’t even talk longer on phone now. 1999.Apr.06: ISP finally came back online, so I could start catching up with newsgroups etc. All files since Feb.15 destroyed, including all e-mail from Janet and Brandon except Janet’s first test message to me. No RL social contact the whole day. 1999.Apr.07: 3 appointments during day, but no RL social contact until evening when I had the music-listening date with Trudy, including one hug (my 8th in 3.5 years) at the very end. 1999.Apr.08: No RL social contact so-far or expected, except if I go to Sierra Singles folk dance tonight. General plans: – Thursdays: Nothing in day, maybe Sierra Singles folk dance evenings. – Fridays: Hanging around Santa Clara University to find students and instructors etc. to say ‘hi’ to between 10AM and 230PM appointments, then maybe Stanford folk dance evenings. – Sa,Su,Mo,Tu,We: No RL social contact whatsoever except when I need to go to Lucky on Maude to buy milk etc. (The ladies who work there got really turned onto me the night I drove there all excited about Janet and composing post-shy song lyrics, such as "I’ve looked at shy from both sides now", etc., and they are still extra friendly to me when I go there). I don’t even eat at Jack in the Box now that that commercial (where Jack breaks into a guys house and beats him up) is on TV. (RL = Real Life, i.e. face to face instead of over the net.)

Response:

Filed under: Overcome loneliness

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