Lonely Loneliness

life of shyness

Question:

I’ve got to be one of the loneliest people in the world.  I’ve always been shy  and overcoming that seems nearly impossible.  The worst part of is, I really enjoy being around other people, but the fact of the matter whenever i’m around people I tend to feel uncomfortable and I can’t find the right words to say.  I’m always afraid that people are examining me under a microscope and if I say the wrong thing they will be offended.  The only way I can really have what I consider to be a worthwhile conversation is if I have a couple drinks  (no I’m not an alcoholic).  Shyness is such a little word that covers a big problem.  I’m not just shy but I have low self esteem, and a lack of social skills.  The overwhelming feeling of loneliness makes me unhappy and feeling unhappy makes it very difficult to express the friendliness that I wish to project toward others.  After all who wants to be around someone who frowns all the time.  People at work are always saying how quiet I am, and although they don’t mean any offense by there words, its kind of disturbing.   I’ve heard it over and over though out my life and I hate it.  I wish there was some way that I could change.  some way that I can feel more confident, more outgoing and just happier, but honestly I don’t know  where to start.  How do I make myself come across as happy, confident and friendly when that’s not the way I feel.  If anyone has any suggestions as to what I should do, I would love to hear them.

Response:

Nathan Williams wrote:

———————— The overwhelming feeling of loneliness makes me unhappy and feeling unhappy makes it very difficult to express the friendliness that I wish to project toward others.  After all who wants to be around someone who frowns all the time.   <snip>  I wish there was some way that I could change.  some way that I can feel more confident, more outgoing and just happier, but honestly I don’t know  where to start.  How do I make myself come across as happy, confident and friendly when that’s not the way I feel.  If anyone has any suggestions as to what I should do, I would love to hear them. ———————————– Hello Nathan, Well, there’s no one big thing you can do that will solve all your problems. Fortunately there are many, many little things you can work on to improve your social skills.  You do not necessarily have to feel happy and confident to come accross that way, you just have to learn how to fake it.    You already know that one of your problems is your constant frowning, I also used to do this a lot and if I don’t watch it I still wear a scowl on my face sometimes. Fortunately this problem is easy enough to correct, just make a conscious decision to smile more often, and whenever you catch yourself frowning force yourself to smile.  Smiling, even if forced, will put your mind into a better mood. That is just one small thing you can do, there are countless others such as working on your eye contact, body posture, conversation skills, etc.  You can get information on how to do any of these by doing a deja news search on thsi newsgroup or by posting a question on a specific problem you’re having. Anyway, Good Luck, Marlow

Response:

In article <7iqqve$4m4…@newssvr01-int.news.prodigy.com>, "NATHAN  E WILLIAMS" <NATHANWILLI…@prodigy.net> wrote: >  I wish there was some way that I could change.  some way that I > can feel more confident, more outgoing and just happier, but honestly I > don’t know  where to start.  How do I make myself come across as happy, > confident and friendly when that’s not the way I feel.  If anyone has any > suggestions as to what I should do, I would love to hear them.

One method is to watch someone whose social style you admire and emulate him/her.  Behave as if you were him or her.  I found this helpful in my freshman year, when I had a very aggressive woman as my roommate.  Back then I was too shy to call businesses to find out information, or to call professors/TAs when I had a question.   I watched the way she did it and tried it myself, and found that it works.  Right now I use my extroverted SO, or my Dad to learn how to make small talk.  It’s getting better–I can occasionally ask questions now, something I wouldn’t have done two years ago. -yakima

Response:

Nathan,     What makes you shy? A big nose? see a plastic surgeon. low IQ? get educated. attack the underlying source of the shyness! If all else fails, just find people shyer than you and ridicule them, it will certainly boost your confidence to the ceiling. There is always someone shyer. I hope this helps. Good Luck! Show no mercy!

Response:

>If all else fails, just find people shyer than >you and ridicule them, it will certainly boost >your confidence to the ceiling. There is >always someone shyer. I hope this helps. >Good Luck! Show no mercy!

Hm, I think you just alienated yourself from 99.9% of the newsgroup. People like you are the reason many of us are shy in the first place. Ridiculing others is pointless, you can’t gain a good friend that way and the only social skills you learn are destructive. Please, if you are not going to ask for help or be helpful, go away. I really hate to use my kill file. wakefi…@hotmail.com

Response:

wakefield wrote:

———————- >If all else fails, just find people shyer than >you and ridicule them, it will certainly boost >your confidence to the ceiling. There is >always someone shyer. I hope this helps. >Good Luck! Show no mercy!

Hm, I think you just alienated yourself from 99.9% of the newsgroup. People like you are the reason many of us are shy in the first place. Ridiculing others is pointless, you can’t gain a good friend that way and the only social skills you learn are destructive. Please, if you are not going to ask for help or be helpful, go away. I really hate to use my kill file. —————————— Um, I’m pretty sure he was joking.  Shy people often tend to take jokes the wrong way though……just something to keep in mind. Marlow

Response:

Try meditation and all the New Age stuff. May be a Drama circle? Singing? It’s in you. Seriously. It’s inside, it’s not something you learn, it’s something you discover. Confidence is you, you are confidence. The rest is mere skills. Most people are so used to them they don’t notice it. You think about it too much and it becomes hard almost impossible. How do you talk? God, there’re so many words, so many meanings. How do you walk? Every muscle moves on its own and it’s got to be so coordinated. How do you breathe? Imagine you forget about it just for one second – you’re gonna die. I think one problem with this group might be that blind is leading the blind. Don’t think it’s hard, don’t think it’s complicated but grow. Feel the growth inside until you get Big like an Indian from Flying Over the Cockoos Nest.

Response:

Tue, 01 Jun 1999 23:29:50     alt.support.shyness           Thread   66 of   78 Lines 18                    Re: life of shyness             Respno   4 of   6 wakefi…@hotmail.com                                      wakefield at chaotic > >If all else fails, just find people shyer than > >you and ridicule them, it will certainly boost > >your confidence to the ceiling. There is > >always someone shyer. I hope this helps. > >Good Luck! Show no mercy! > Hm, I think you just alienated yourself from 99.9% of the newsgroup.

I agree. I’m among that 99.9% fed up with his crap. I didn’t mind his desperate pleas for a woman for sex. At least that was an invitation for a mutually pleasurable relationship, even if farfetched. But this about ridiculing the more-shy is really bad. Wed, 02 Jun 1999 13:52:22     alt.support.shyness           Thread   66 of   78 Lines 15                    Re: life of shyness             Respno   6 of   6 and…@freeukNOSPAM.com                                                  andrei <<I think one problem with this group might be that blind is leading the blind.>> One thing about a support group is that everyone has similar problems. Some of us find ways to overcome those problems before others, then we share those methods with the others. Shyness is a multitude of inhibitions, making the process more complicated than any single disability, but the basic principle applies to each individual kind of shyness. For example, regarding the inhibition against approaching strangers and speaking to them first, without an invitation from them, I have personally (TTJ) developed a method for gingerly getting started overcoming that inhibition and proceeding to nearly completely overcome it. Regarding comfort chatting with strangers, that comes as a side effect of approaching strangers using my method. We who have discovered or developed a partial cure for one aspect of shyness are not blind regarding that aspect, we are enlightened, and we can then enlighten others.

Response:

>Um, I’m pretty sure he was joking.  Shy people often tend to take jokes the >wrong way though……just something to keep in mind.

His other posts suggest that he is in fact serious. Well, there’s another for the killfile.

Response:

Giff13291 schrieb in Nachricht <19990601194959.01857.00002…@ng-ck1.aol.com>… >    What makes you shy? A big nose? see >a plastic surgeon.

Reminding me of something concerning the American sense of beauty.  So many comics made fun of Paula Jones’s nose she finally had it surgically removed. Did YOU find her ugly?  I didn’t.  OK, they had those unflattering images of her freezeframed in mid-astonishment, but I guess you could find uncool images of everyone somewhere within a few minutes video footage. I’m not venturing or asking for any opinion on whether what she went in public for was in any way justified or not.  What I found amazing was all those jerks on TV accusing Clinton of bad taste while badly insulting her about her LOOKS, of all things. Searching for bad things to say about her calling her ugly wouldn’t have occurred to me in a million years.  Now, I’m really not that interested in her case.  Rather that instance got me wondering about what you guys over there find beautiful.  Curiouser and curiouser!  So was that opinion only Jay Leno’s and Arsenio Hall’s or was it yours as well? —

Filed under: Overcoming Loneliness

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